Why is this happening to me?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Deleted User, Jul 7, 2021.

  1. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    It's very hard to write this, but...well...at least I'll try. I'm 21, overweight, ugly, no job, never had a girlfriend or sex. All my sexual and private life consisted of using porn every day. I was too afraid of rejection so I didn't make any step towards a girl even when she will give me hints. Yeah, I'm a stupid as fuck, but now...I don't really care to be honest.

    I feel so damn lonely for about 4 years, everybody that I know started their road in life, they have girlfriends even wives, good jobs, study at good colleges and they are very happy. When I look at myself, I'm just a failure of a man.

    I had and have a big problem with pornography for about 9 years. Every day I used in these 9 years and that slowly killed my brain and personality. Slowly, especially in the last 16 months, my tastes in porn became so damn ugly that I started to watch trans and even gay porn. I knew this is it, I hit the rock bottom of this shitty life. I considered myself straight all my life and now look at me. Binging on these types of porn.

    I started to question my sexuality at this point, I thought I'm bisexual even though I never been attracted to a guy or had sex with in real life and I never will because porn was enough to make me uncomfortable. My depression and anxiety became so worse that I started to look for advice online on some ,,bisexuals subreddits or forums''. The majority said that I'm repressing my ,,true self'' and I need to accept my feelings or fantasies...yeah. And like a stupid idiot I listened to them and tried to accept the fact that I might be a bisexual. I didn't like the idea and I didn't feel like one, but in that moment of despair I thought this will end my suffering. It ended in a very ,,good'' way.

    After 5 weeks I attempted suicide by hanging myself because I didn't know who I am anymore, but after 30 seconds the rope broke. After that, I stood on the floor for about an hour looking up and thinking how in hell I ended up like this. I had dreams, goals...and everything now is ruined. I cry like a little kid every day, alone, when no one is home. I'm sorry for my mother, she sacrificed so much for me and my little brother. I hope, at least, that my brother will become something good in this life.

    Yeah, I have this questioning in my head for months, it doesn't stop and can't stand it anymore. I hate every one of those people online who give advices to emotionally unstable people. But fuck it, why should I care now...I feel like my end is near and this time I know it's not gonna broke.

    What did I do to deserve this? Who did I hurt in this life? Why...just why? When I was 14 I thought that at this age of 21/25 I would have a girlfriend, a job and I'll be happy. Now, hah, I don't even know who am I.

    The only time I am at peace is when I sleep...I hope death is like that. An eternal dream.
  2. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    Hi Robert,

    Things are better than you think. Why? Because there are countless other guys in the same situation that don't realize what damage porn is causing them and what they're missing out on. Yeah, those realizations hurt, but it hurts even more when you don't know about it and can't do anything about it. If you get a cancer diagnosis, are you worse off than someone else who has cancer but doesn't know it? Well, you'll be more depressed, sure, but I don't know about worse.

    The job market sucks. It royally sucks. And, many people want to blame the victims when they see the job market sucks. That always pisses me off. I can't give advice on this, but the most important thing is that blaming yourself and carrying shame is dumb.

    You can quit porn. It won't happen first try. Or second. Or third, or fourth. But, you can. 21 is young enough that you'll be able to rewire and recover in ways that you couldn't if you'd waited longer. How many of those guys that you're envying with families or at college will keep their own porn addictions and self-destruct years later because they didn't figure this out as early as you did? Trust me, the people who seem like they have it all together in their early 20s often turn out not to, and the ones who seem like they have nothing together turn out to have great lives.

    Can't help you on being ugly. But, guys are ugly to other guys and especially to ourselves, and presentation means a lot. Chances are good you have way more to work with than you think. Overweight? Fixable. And, fixable in a way that you can feel great. There are plenty of bad fixes and only a few good ones, but there are fixes. You don't fix it by hating yourself or your body. You fix it by loving yourself and taking care of your body. It is like loving your car by getting an oil change and stopping by the car wash. Plus, studies show that resistance training (i.e. weight lifting) can be as beneficial as prescribed anti-depressants.

    You can do this. I think you agree too, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. I'm 38 and I'm still messing around on the job market, talking about porn addiction and trying to improve my physique. No effing way that 21 is too late.

    You didn't do anything to deserve this. Sometimes life just sucks. We're being fed all kinds of lies about how great porn is and by the time we're old enough to figure out otherwise we're already hooked. The best eff you that you can give to the powers that made you feel this way is to escape, and maybe do something afterward for other young people so they never have to feel that way.
  3. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy Member

    It's definitely never too late for your life to change/to change your life.
    I have heard talking to people can be helpful, I think there are hotlines that anyone is welcome to call and talk about mental health/suicide judgement-free.
    Dropped a few links to resources below if any seem useful, no pressure or anything (from googling about).

    (has tips depending on your life situation and links to some hotlines, 7 seems like can be called anytime)

    (has a text hotline + more niche numbers)

    Best of luck and nothing but best wishes
    Deleted User likes this.
  4. Sebs

    Sebs Member

    Rob, im adict ti gay porn...im 40 and im starting now...only i can say is you can fight and go on...love yourself..how: change food, more excercise, go to church...yes find God, take a bath every day and use nice cothes...you have my friendship and the best thing....you are so young!!!! So go on...im married and got kids, so lets go for it!
    Deleted User likes this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey Robert,

    you are still very young. Younger than most of the guys on this forum when they found out about their porn addiction. Start small. If you're overweight, start working on that. Start doing some strength training. It doesn't have to be something big. Like I said, start small. If you can't do a pushup, do one on your knees. If you can't do that, go to the wall. Start small and keep improving. You're not in a hurry, you're only 21. If you're overweight and not in good form you can still go for a walk outside everyday. Working on a part of yourself and seeing small improvements will give you some sense of accomplishment and more confidence. Forget about girls for now. Try not to worry about it. Start working on yourself and see what happens along the way.

    Don't envy your acquaintances who are married in their early 20s. More than half of them will be divorced again in 10 years. Some with children they will almost never be allowed to see. Sounds harsh, but it's probably the reality. You might have the chance to meet a grown woman someday. No teenagers who have to hold their face into their smartphone camera twenty times a day. And don't envy them that they study at "good colleges". What is a "good college" anyway? You can learn stuff on your own. Most things you don't learn at school, at colleges and universitys anyway. You don't learn anything and have a buttload of debt when you're done. Is there anything you want to learn? Anything you're interested in. Learn something about it on the internet and/or buy some books.

    I wish you all the best. Keep your chin up!
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks for answering! Well, I'm in college too, but it's not like I will be in debt or something like in the USA. I pay my ,,faculty taxes'' in 3 stages every year. The thing is I don't like the college where I'm now, but I don't really care now. I had another plan after I graduate, but now...it broke into pieces. The worse thing is this questioning that I have for months. Before I wasn't in a good mood either, I had a mild case of depression, but you know, overall I was kind of happy with my life. Now, I don't even know who I am. It's like I woke up in another life. I hate the fact that I watched those types of porn and I got in this situation. I hate the fact that I might be bisexual, because it destroyed that little piece of confidence that I had in me. The only thing that I feel when I look at a guy now is fear and anxiety and before, like 5 months ago, I didn't even care. Huh, guess I will never recover from this state.
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks for replying! Well, I got into worse types of porn which are way too worse to mention here, but I always ignored what was on my screen until this questioning rose in my head. I'm not a very religious person, but in this moment anything will help. I hate when people online just say: ,,Accept it, that's who you really are.'' Like it's so easy and your life will go on. I made the worst mistake from my entire life watching those types of porn and now...huh...I think that all my life has been a big lie.
  8. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks for replying! Yeah, I know I can turn my life around if I put some work into it, but this questioning took my last bit of confidence in myself. I cannot live as a bisexual or gay or anything like that. I liked girls all my life and now...now I don't know if that's true and I lived a lie. I tried to accept it, but it's just...it feels so wrong. I was on weight loss ,,journey'' for about 5 months. I lost about 30 pounds, but when this questioning, anxiety and depression hit me...I gave up on everything. I put more weight than I lost and I gave up on myself.
  9. Sebs

    Sebs Member

    But now is a new day, if you are mot happy with this bi or gay orientation so you are not gay!!! Say ot to you and go out from that, its not easy but is your brain that lwarns all that becouse of porn...so dont give up, look at yourwelf in a mirror and say to your self who decide to be...repeat it all days in the morning...and belive that! Strnght for you!
    Deleted User likes this.
  10. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    Sebs makes a good point.

    I think we on this board take certain things as self evident at some point and forget to mention it. I've seen lots of guys come in struggling with bi-, tranny or gay porn. None were actually gay. As a rule of thumb, if you have to ask, you probably aren't. On the other side, I've never known someone who was gay who needed porn to figure it out. In fact, I imagine that if I suggested it to any of the gay guys I've known that they figured it out with porn, they'd probably laugh pretty dang hard.

    That isn't to say it doesn't feel very real. I'm sure it does. If the bi/gay stuff gets the heart pumping and the brain chemicals flowing it is very hard to simply say it isn't "real", but to us who have been on the boards for a while, we can confidently say that it isn't who you are. Think about it: you don't want to be bi or gay because you like women and you don't want to not like women. That isn't how gay people think!

    Have you been in weight loss/gain cycles much? If you have, training to build muscle could be a really good idea. When you lose weight you lose proportional amounts of fat and muscle (I've heard 50/50, but personally doubt that), and when you gain weight back it is mostly fat. That is how a lot of people get stuck with binge diets and ultimately can't lose weight anymore - very little lean body mass means a very low metabolism. Getting your lean body mass up might mean that you don't to watch the scale drop as fast, but you'll look better, feel better and your changes will be more permanent.
    Deleted User likes this.
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    The fact is...this all mess started all at once, in 1 or 2 days. It wasn't something that I known for years, since I was a teenage boy, no, porn made me think like this. I read a lot of articles and coming out stories with gay and bi people and 80% or more of them knew from a young age that they have an attraction to the same gender. I didn't.

    I even got in some groups and subreddits with bisexuals and with all respect and I don't want to insult someone, but from what I've seen there...those people are kind of weird and everything I've read there seemed cringe for me. But yeah, in that moment I didn't even care and took some advices from them which turned out to be worse for my mental health. Before this I didn't even care when I saw a guy, even if he was good looking the 2 things that I will feel in that moment were: I want to look like him and I bet that he has a lot of women ,,at his feet''.

    Imagine that last summer I've watched a lot of clips with workouts, diets etc. with ripped guys in it and I didn't felt an attraction towards them and now I feel fear and anxiety. The only thing that I thought in that moment was: I want a body like that or Can I get a body like that? That was it.

    And about weight gain/loss. I have a pretty good muscle mass even though most of the extra weight is fat (25kg I'll say). I will start tomorrow to work out again and I hope to lose at least 22 kg till Christmas. Maybe in this period of time I'll get better but this anxiety and depression is what keeps me in one place and gives me suicidal thoughts. If I could escape this, I know I'll get back to my old self where at least I had a little bit of confidence.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2021
    DoneAtLast likes this.
  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks! It is not only that I'm not happy with it, it's like a lie in my head, like something forced. It's not natural and I'm afraid that if I try to accept it again to see if I feel better, this time I know I will end my life for sure. I didn't do anything with a man in reality and I don't want to. It feels very wrong when I think of having a relationship with a guy in reality. But all those people from the LGBTQ community sat that this will make me happy. It didn't make me happy at all when I tried first time and I'll not try the second time.
    DoneAtLast likes this.
  13. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    It is mind blowing, isn't it? I mean, for every one of you who figures out "oh yeah, I'm feeling this way because I watched too much porn" there's probably a dozen who never figure that out. I think of that great line from the Simpsons when they're digging a hole and get stuck, so Chief Wiggum says "no no no... dig UP stupid!" After a while you'll get a bit of a radar and read stuff and say to yourself "this dude has watched a lot of porn" as you recognize certain things. I have a thread "The deep rabbit holes..." about a weird screenshot I saw of a guy obsessed with menstruation. That was an extreme example, but I see stuff all the friggin' time. A month ago or so I saw an artist who exclusively did furry diaper portraits. They were these cringey overly cutesy pictures of furry animals in diapers. Where did that fetish start?

    I laughed out loud at this! You nailed it. I started watching a bunch of fitness stuff on Youtube around Christmas coming at this as a total newbie. It is amazing... I think fewer than 5% of them put on a *$^# shirt to record a video. After a few videos I kept saying to myself "can I just find out how to keep my shoulder popping when doing a lateral raise without seeing a million man nips?" Some who are good at putting on shirts will also make sure they have plenty of B role of them posing or doing bench presses to sneak in as they're talking. Also, I'm finding out now that many are on steroids, even if they keep talking about how natural they are (the ones who admit they take steroids are the ones who know the difference, the algorithm just introduced me to those guys). I saw one meme on how guys will get ripped thinking the women will flock to them, but it ends up just being other guys coming up to him "bro, how'd you get those rock hard delts? What's your macro split?"... men like looking at bodies, I guess. Straight men are more likely to be staring at the body builder magazines than women. Maybe that's why all the dudes with YouTube channels need to show off all the time.

    If you want something that isn't as gross, check out Mind Pump. They leave their shirts on, their advice tends to be very practical (they aren't celebrity trainers or diet book peddlers, they're personal trainers), and you can get it as a podcast as well as videos. I haven't been taking any one source as gospel, but they seem to be the safest ones to follow.
    Deleted User and -Luke- like this.
  14. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    You have come to the right forum. So many stories have accumulated here over the years, from people who have watched all sorts of porn genres. And it went away after they stopped watching porn for some time (It takes longer than a weekend however). My porn use never really escalated into really extreme stuff, some picture of a woman in a bikini was enough for me most of the time. But I still saw some things that I would never want to try with a woman in real life. So I agree with you that the whole "Just accept that it is your true self" is mostly bullshit. Not for everybody, but most of the time. I remember that some years ago I found a thread here that was something like "What was you lowest point?" Some of the stories in there gave me nightmares. I doubt the stuff people wrote about was "their true self".

    So I guess the only way for you to find out is to stop watching porn (waaaaaaaaay easier said than done, I know) and see what happens. Do you have a filter installed or something?
    Deleted User likes this.
  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks for replying! No and I don't need one. Lately, I started to feel discussed by porn in general because of this I'm in this situation. Now I need to go outside many times per day because sometimes because of anxiety I can breathe or I feel like the all world is against me. I have rage attacks so suddenly for a few months because I'm so frustrated with myself. It sucks so much and there are moments when I feel good, not because I start to understand my situation better, no, it's because I think if this thing with sexuality gets worse I know that at least I can kill myself. Yeah...I hope I can better in the next 2 months or so. I can't even go out with my friends because I'm scared that I will feel attracted to some, even though I this many years I didn't. It's just that fear and anxiety which blacks out my brain.
  16. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Yeah, I watched a lot of fitness YouTubers over some months and most of them say a lot of bs. Even though there are 4/5 big steps you must follow religiously if you want to lose weight. With muscle gain is much harder to understand and find a way that matches and works good with your body.

    As for those forums, groups and subreddits...man, I don't even know what to say. If I would post a question there about this, all of them will say that I'm bisexual 100%, they don't even doubt this to a certain extent. And many of them say if you have anxiety, depression and even suicidal thoughts it's because you are in denial or have internalized homophobia and other things like that. They don't really care that some people are very emotionally unstable, like me, and some stupid advice will cause more anxiety and depression. But yeah, we are on internet, they don't really care.
  17. Sebs

    Sebs Member

    Man i went to saa.org, theee are meetings where you can go, i went today and is very nice talking with other by zoom...alone imposible so i hope you take this, saatalk.info, go there!
    Deleted User likes this.
  18. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks! I'll try it, in this moment anything will help.
  19. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Hey man, I really don't know what I can say and how helpful you’ll find it, but it's kinda similar to what I went through on my first run at this. Hopefully, if I share my experience and what I learned from it, you can take something from it.

    I ended up questioning my Sexual Orientation quite a lot. I ended up going in OCD-like thought loops where I doubted, then forgot the fact that I was even doubting, then doubted again. It was really overwhelming. I can't say I ever directly attempted suicide, but I definitely thought it'd be nicer to just sleep and feel nothing than to feel what I was going through at the time.
    But, I was wrong! Life is always worth living man. Please speak to someone about your suicidal thoughts bro.

    For me, it may sound far fetched, but what made these thoughts and feelings much more manageable was as simple as fresh air, exercise, goals and patience. It really fucking sucked at first, but I just kept on doing it and within maybe a couple weeks things were improving, and they kept on improving to the point where that period of my life felt like a bad dream even though it must've been only a few months back (at that time).

    But also, the biggest thing that helped me but that you might not want to hear is that you have to surrender to not knowing yet. This type of paranoia that you have around your sexuality will be fuelled by you constantly obsessing and overanalysing over every thought that you consider 'suspect'. I had times where due to a flatline (and probably depression) I had literally no attraction to girls, but every time I saw a guy I started over analysing any feeling that I had, over and over.
    Yet all of my paranoia/HOCD almost instantly vanished as I started laughing off those thought loops and saying 'I guess we'll see.' I accepted the possibility of me being sexually attracted to men and, paradoxically, my anxiety and worries about it vanished. It was like a weight was lifted off my whole body. I even stopped really thinking about it.

    That worrying period probably lasted about 3 or so weeks (felt MUCH longer) and my attraction to girls came back with intensity, but there are still some men that I find sexually attractive, and I'm okay with that. It's probably 90/10 women to men split- at the moment, at least. It varies, and I'm okay with that. I guess you could say that I'm bisexual, but I don't really care about labels. I'm not the guy to wear Bisexual flag t-shirts and stuff lol. There is no one way a bisexual person acts/feels, it's simply an arbitrary label we put on people. I think most people have someone of the same sex that they're somewhat attracted to, but just don't admit it anyway.

    Honestly, with anything in your life that you're worried about, face it head-on and see how it shrinks and withers away. It's not really that big of a deal.
    You know you better than anyone else, true, but at the same time, there's a lot that you don't know yet, that you have to be open to figuring out over this process.
    There'll be a time where you can look back and see all of this in retrospect, but for now, just say 'I guess we'll see.' and carry on. This process was the hardest thing I'd ever done and I found out a lot about how I deal with stress, how sleep (or lack thereof) affects me, diet, self-talk etc.

    I hope you understand what I'm saying and that I mean well bro.
    Keep checking in with us, I'm sure we'd all love to see your story become the success story it's destined to be.

    You got this bro,

    Sebs and Deleted User like this.
  20. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks for replying! I try this mindset even now but I'm afraid of the outcome. The thing is when I forgot about it, even for a few minutes or hours in some periods, I feel normal again. I feel good about myself and I'm overall happy, but it's like my brain starts to remind me of this questioning again and again, and everything starts again. It's like a loop. But yeah, in the end...I'll see what outcome I will get.
    ZuKagasio1 likes this.

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