It's very hard to write this, but...well...at least I'll try. I'm 21, overweight, ugly, no job, never had a girlfriend or sex. All my sexual and private life consisted of using porn every day. I was too afraid of rejection so I didn't make any step towards a girl even when she will give me hints. Yeah, I'm a stupid as fuck, but now...I don't really care to be honest. I feel so damn lonely for about 4 years, everybody that I know started their road in life, they have girlfriends even wives, good jobs, study at good colleges and they are very happy. When I look at myself, I'm just a failure of a man. I had and have a big problem with pornography for about 9 years. Every day I used in these 9 years and that slowly killed my brain and personality. Slowly, especially in the last 16 months, my tastes in porn became so damn ugly that I started to watch trans and even gay porn. I knew this is it, I hit the rock bottom of this shitty life. I considered myself straight all my life and now look at me. Binging on these types of porn. I started to question my sexuality at this point, I thought I'm bisexual even though I never been attracted to a guy or had sex with in real life and I never will because porn was enough to make me uncomfortable. My depression and anxiety became so worse that I started to look for advice online on some ,,bisexuals subreddits or forums''. The majority said that I'm repressing my ,,true self'' and I need to accept my feelings or fantasies...yeah. And like a stupid idiot I listened to them and tried to accept the fact that I might be a bisexual. I didn't like the idea and I didn't feel like one, but in that moment of despair I thought this will end my suffering. It ended in a very ,,good'' way. After 5 weeks I attempted suicide by hanging myself because I didn't know who I am anymore, but after 30 seconds the rope broke. After that, I stood on the floor for about an hour looking up and thinking how in hell I ended up like this. I had dreams, goals...and everything now is ruined. I cry like a little kid every day, alone, when no one is home. I'm sorry for my mother, she sacrificed so much for me and my little brother. I hope, at least, that my brother will become something good in this life. Yeah, I have this questioning in my head for months, it doesn't stop and can't stand it anymore. I hate every one of those people online who give advices to emotionally unstable people. But fuck it, why should I care now...I feel like my end is near and this time I know it's not gonna broke. What did I do to deserve this? Who did I hurt in this life? Why...just why? When I was 14 I thought that at this age of 21/25 I would have a girlfriend, a job and I'll be happy. Now, hah, I don't even know who am I. The only time I am at peace is when I sleep...I hope death is like that. An eternal dream.