Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Gil, you're an inspiration. Thank you.
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    The hazards of summer are here. It's truly best to look away, but it's difficult sometimes with our starved minds. As long as we try our best and don't let accidents lead to anything, I think it's all good, though.
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Its not much effort to do right things in good days, when everything goes very smoothly. The true fighter's spirit is needed in those days when many things seem to hindrance us or try to divert our resolve for clean life. You set the example in here by surviving so skillfully of one of those more difficult days. Keep up the good work! :cool:
    Gil79 likes this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Tonight I was bringing my 3yo son to bed. Talking with him what he liked about the day. I realized that he is really becoming a little person and with his own struggles. The things he likes and dislikes, the happines, anger, shynes, etc. that he feels. He already has his own struggles with us as parents, at daycare, etc. I felt like I wish I could just be able to give him a life without all that. But that is just not possible. It's life.

    It all gave me a heavy feeling on my chest and memories came up of a particular fight I had with my mother when I was teenager. How I felt so frustrated with her being dominant over me and how small I felt. Probably I fapped that frustration away later that night. If only my present me could have been there for my past me. Then memories came up of terrible things I did in my later teens, like destroying properties of others and shoplifting. How could I have done those things. I was not me. Not who I was before that and not who I am now.

    So much more literally on my chest. Stuff that keeps coming up lately. Stuff I need to vent. But my arn hurts of typing (and holding babies...... and not from fapping!!! ;))

    Thanks so much guys. You're all great people! Will reply later....
  5. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Been there, done that... I stole countless bikes in my late teens. It became normal after a while because a friend of mine showed me how to do it without any tools. It's so easy... When I was partying late at night and the trams weren't riding anymore, I just stole a bike and rode my drunk ass home. And because bikes were abundant to me, I didn't even care to lock them in front of my house. In consequence, 'my' bikes got stolen all the time, too. Jokingly, I told everyone it's the circle of bikes (referring to the lion king's circle of life :rolleyes:) thinking I was smart as a whip and funny as fuck. If I was a pokemon, I would have evolved from a world-class arsehole :D... In my defence, I have to admit though, that I only stole bikes that weren't expensive or had a children's seat or so. The older, the better. I deserved to be punched in the face... numerous times... But if my life was a RPG, I would be a charismatic gadder focussed on lock picking and evasion :D. I can't wrap my head around it but I have never been caught. Neither by a fist nor by the cops and I had to turn tail and run plenty of times, haha. Blessed be my poor soul that I don't live in the US. I probably would have been shot more than a decade ago. :D

    Hope that makes you feel a bit better :).
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Are you Dean Moriarity from On the Road ? :D Oh wait no he was stealing cars left and right lol ...
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  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the book recommendation ;). I never heard of that one and it sounds great!
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Was discussing with my wife that maybe she'll be with the kids with her family for a week or so. I would stay home because of work. All of a sudden I felt a rush going through my body, realizing what this would mean: an opportunity to act out. I even thought of how intense the feeling would be after abstaining such time......

    Alarm, alarm. Have to stay focused here. Last year had a similar situation which I handled just fine. I have to have faith in myself. As long as I don't fantasize about what I can do those days, I will be fine when the time comes. I take it day by day. This day I have under control. It is manageable.

    Had a good day today. Decided to go socializing in the canteen. Had some great laughs. Stupid nerdy humor, but haven't laughed so much in months. Really nice.

    Thanks @Pete McVries for lightening this up. When we can laugh about it, we can let it go. I am ready to let go of my past.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    A tough situation indeed, but you got the plan - just follow it and you'll be fine. Maybe it seems alluring, but remember that the thought is far sweeter than the actual thing.
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Crazy days this weekend. Baby's both a difficult time. So little sleep and everything so intense. Hardly time to go to the toilet. Wife and I both exhausted. Hope things get better soon. My dream right now is to sleep a whole night, sleep in, watch a couple of movies or series, eat good food, and ...eh...sleep more......

    So true. Thanks for reminding me. It is all about fantasy. As long as I live in the here and now, things should be fine...
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Slept better again last night. Babies just fed again now at 6AM and sleeping again. Could sleep another hour I guess before getting ready, but decided to have a coffee and a bit of YBR. The board is really my medicine at the moment. I don't have time to go running or to the gym or anything and at least here I have something of my own. I should cut my time on my phone down though. Now all the time with a baby in one hand and my phone in the other. I hope things are getting better soon, cause I really feel the exhaustion and frustration accumulating.

    Not much to update on the addiction. Had a sex dream the other night and wood every now and then, but nothing really unmanageable. Avoiding touching, fantasies and ogling.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Somehow I got my energy back. It is crazy. I was energetic, happy and smiling whole day. The negative feelings and lack of energy last weekend must have been reboot related. Will go with the flow....

    Scratch what I wrote the other day about dreaming to sleep and watch movies. I am already living my dream with my beautiful wife and children. Lack of sleep and hard work is totally worth it.
    A New Man and Outsider. like this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Slept 5h and then another 3h! This feels so good. Another great day of rebooting ahead! I wish you all the same!
    cjm and Saville like this.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Felt happy today. A bit high almost. My mood shows strange cycles lately which shows that something is happening inside that grey mass inside my head.

    I have to realize that this is about quitting porn, but maybe even more so about quitting fantasy and masturbation. My sexual escapism started like that and my streaks have also ended like that. Just a bit of fantasy can't harm right? Just a bit of touching is not MO, right. For me that doesn't work. My goal is to have satisfying sex with my wife, no more, no less. The sex has always been good and getting better. It has been a while now because of the babies, and when it is time again she'll know it has been a while :p:D.

    Reading in a lot of journals that people have problems with alcohol as well or how the alcohol partially leads to relapse. Both porn and alcohol are so destructive. I see alcohol more and more as poison. Haven't been drinking for months and that has only been good to me. Together with rebooting, I am way more social and way less anxious than alcohol has ever been able to provide for me.
  15. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Yes, you have apparently put your foot foward and are seeing things more clearly. Rock on bro!
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm glad that I never tried alcohol, smoking, or drugs as a teenager. Considering how addicted I got to PMO, it could have ended really badly. Maybe drinking could help with my anxiety, but it's a risk I'm not willing to take.
    Bezoechow and Gil79 like this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Exhausted, angry, frustrated. Also a thought came to mind how comforting it would be to watch porn. Addict brain has a tantrum because he doesn't get what he want. Well, he has to learn that life can be like that. A lot of time we're in discomfort and we'll just have to sit it out. Hopefully I can sleep a bit now. Really need it. No fantasy, no touching. Good night!

    Thanks @Bobo!

    @Eternity, indeed not worth it. It works just temporarily and never the way you'd wish....
    A New Man and Saville like this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Again finishing the day angry and frustrated. Also a lot of self-pity.

    Nonrtheless had some beautiful moments today with wife and kids. Going to think about the things I am grateful for before I fall asleep ... which won't take long..
    Thelongwayhome27 and Living like this.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    So, we planned that we will go to the family of my wife in June. I will stay a week cause have to get back to work and my wife and kids will stay a week longer.

    I notice how my mind tries to start exploring 'possibilities', if you know what I mean. They are no real sexual famtasies yet, but more an imagination of what I can do: visit the red light district, smoke pot, drink alcohol and watch porn. I was able withstand those urges quite well todau, but in the (recent) past I would really plan these things. It is the suspense towards it. It would always lead to (P)MO.....

    When the urge today came to plan a trip to the red light district after I will get back here by plane, I imagined myself taking the train home instead. I have to keep doing that and really stay away from those thoughts and fantasies. It is a fight I can't win, so I better not start it.

    The week at home alone I can really enjoy it in a healthy way: lots of sleeping, getting a lot done for work, gardening, going for walks, watching movies, etc. Some quality me-time.

    @Living, thanks man. I appraciate it. It is tough, and I feel that I am really growing on so many levels. It gives me a lot of confidence that I can do this. It makes me stronger and also makes the relationship with my wife stronger. Last night I slept quite well and today I could handle stuff so much better. There is hope :)
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This, really, is what makes this so difficult. We conjure up scenarios and if it goes too far, essentially plan out the relapse. Fridays are definitely been my great escape plan; the entire working week leading up to that moment. I really need something to do on Friday nights...
    Gil79 likes this.

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