Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think a little bit of aluminum deodorant is OK over the short-haul. We here have so many things going on that it's hard to be perfect on all fronts. I hear what @Bobo is saying and I have personally stopped using deodorant for the most part. No wonder my wife won't sleep me! :D But, I still take a PPI to control my acid reflux and I know these things are BAD. I've tried stopping, but I can't control the burning otherwise. Sometimes we have to choose our poison, if only for a time, until we get other things sorted out.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @Bobo for your concern. Indeed you should never just trust such studies, especially if they concern chemical industry. Our @#$% European Union now just decided to keep allowing the use of certain really harmful pesticides. They have been shown to be hormone disrupting, especially for children by peef reviewed journals, but the lobbyists with their own internal reports have been able to convince the European Commission otherwise. By the way, they are the same chemicals that are in our plastics and even shopping or parking receipts (never put those in your mouth!). As @Saville said, there is so much detrimental stuff around. I have a bit of experience with assessing such studies and I dare take the risk with the aluminum. But thanks anyway! And for sure I will now think of you everytime I put it under my armpits. No thanks for that :confused::D.

    Today whole day with the babies and my mother. Not feeling very masculin now, but nonetheless a very rewarding day. Realize that I have done a great job in the last years to let go of the past.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    LOL :D
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Just got an email from my boss about something I requested. Something I should reasonably get, especially after waiting for an answer for such long time. Not going to get it, he says. Feel super pissed off. So angry. Feel like quitting, but that would just be self-pity, passive agressive behaviour. Been there, done that. Too often. I will show the @#$%^ that they cant go around me. I will be an ass and get what I want. At least I will not back down that easily.:mad::mad::mad:
  5. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member


    Yup--- I try to stay informed though. Sometimes its really scary how it seems that the bottom line of dollars overrides every thing even health. I for one admit that I dont really pay attention to the drug pushers, I mean doctors! Things that seem to be sensible are not doctors tell you. Admittedly, they dont like me when I tell them its my body, you tell me and I will make the decision.
    You might check into that. I believe acid reflux is caused by not enough stomach acid not too much that the medical complex tells you. Hey, you're not a doctor, oh sorry Mr. Rockefeller! LOL! I use peppermint oil in water like 5 drops when I get it, I don't usually but ----Each of us has his or her own beliefs but as long as the her beliefs include opening legs for me that's ok! :D:D
    Last edited: May 9, 2019
    Gil79 likes this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Despite quite OK sleep I feel like a wreck, both physically and mentally. Black and white difference with Tuesday. I feel down and angry and with no energy at all. It may be the work situation (handling that really well today though), but realize that both my really 'up' (almost manic) moment last tuesday and this shit feeling must be partly part of the reboot. My brain is changing its physiology, giving high ups and low downs.

    Realizing that if you want something you have to @#$% fight for it. If you back dowm to easily people will not do anything for you. You have to be a pain im the ass and show you dont give up tjat easily. People generally don't give a shit about you and are merely concerned with their own struggles. You have to let the world know what you want and that you will do anything for it. There is no other way.

    Now I am more 'out there' I realize how often I collide with people. It is a part of life, because we all want something and that leads to conflict. In this world you should get used to it. The other way to to stay anxious at home, which was my second nature and this is what I will change!
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Another challenging but satisfying day. Getting more comfortable with difficult people and breaking free of their opinions is definitely a necessity for me to be able to overcome my addiction.

    Dead tired. Kids sleeping, Gil out.... zzzzzzz
  8. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, this is important, we must stand up for ourselves. But, we have to let ourselves know what we want. This distinction is important for me. This way I know I feel confident talking with others, because in my heart I know it's good. :)

    Hope you had a great sleep!
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  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Tried to look up the YBOP website, but found it hard to find by google. Only found anti-YBOP and anti-Gary Wilson sites and articles. When I finally found it I also found an article about the anti-YBOP campaigns which seem to be coming from porn industry. This is terrible. It is expectable, but still shocking to me and so ethically wrong.
    Got to go, later more...

    So, continuing....

    The reason I looked up YBOP is that I wanted to read stuff on flatline. Think I had flatline the last 2 weeks or so. But last night I woke up twice (for feeding the babys) with almost no space in bed because of the huge piece of wood that was there. Felt like touching it a bit, but fortunately the loud crying made it shrink quite fast :D. Ok, so 1) the brain is changing, and 2) I can expect some turmoil from now on. I am ready to fight!

    I like this. Will give this thought. I guess you mean that too often we are being lead by what others want or by our instant gratification monster.....

    And yes, sleeping better and better. Thanks! :)
    Last edited: May 12, 2019
    Saville likes this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I haven't visited YBOP since 2013, but I remember that even back then, the majority was clearly anti. It doesn't surprise me that things haven't changed, or turned even worse. The P industry involves too much money and can easily shut us down. It reminds me of how the UCI probably turned a blind eye to doping in cycling because of how much money circulated in the 90s and Armstrong days. But even if we may not be heard, we know that we're doing the right thing.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not looking forward to work today. With everything I do I will think of my long term goals. Not going to be bothered with trivial stuff and trivial people.....
    Thelongwayhome27 and Saville like this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Feeling a bit like learning to cycle without sidewheels. I can do it, but it feels scary. On the one hand I feel very confident and I connect so well with people now, but on the other hand I fear what may come. My progress lies really in the 'learning to feel comfortable with being uncomfortable'. So many things make me feel uncomfortable: the situation with my father, tension at work with people, general work stress, looking for a new house this year, unresolved emotions, son having bad day at daycare, etc. The thing is that these things are a normal part of life. There is always tension. I just have to get comfortable with it. I am not fapping these things away now. They are all there at the same time. Learning to get used to it. Rambling, rambling, not sure where I am going.

    Also feeling good, energized, and that despite the still broken nights. Good connection with my wife. We are really an efficient couple kids-and-household-wise and even find time for a bit of kissing and cuddling. My god, I sound like niceguy, but it is not that. I feel very manly and our interaction/attraction is awesome. Very interesting. Anti-perspirant is awesome. Not only the shame of sweaty armpits is gone, but I am also less cold and dehydrated at work and have more energy after work.

    Ok should stop now o_O:D
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Great day. Very good interaction with people. I was not worried about my impression or what people thought of me. No anxiety, self-consciousness or distraction. I was sharp, really listened to people, and responded naturally. All very positive.

    In a similar way as @Outsider. just mentioned in his journal, porn is now just no issue. Just living.

    Also I feel I am getting visual and emotional flashbacks of the past lately. Just accepting this and letting it go when it is ready to go feels like healing. I feel like I am growing.

    Reminding what an old professor of mine once said: keep your back straight, don't back down, even if everyone disagrees with you. I feel like that right now somehow. Even though everything goes really well, there's a lot of little things that can shake me off my feet. I have the strenght and have to keep finding the strength to keep my back straight.
  15. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Congrats on your accomplishments. Well done. Very Inspirational.
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  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Woke up with wood last night. I was dreaming, but not sexually. Then this morning again with wood. Not sure if I had been dreaming at all. Crying babies are a good remedie :D

    Feel that more urges will come and have to be careful with there strong pull. Fantasies and ogling are no option! If I start going that road I will get my ass kicked by the addict inside. Also avoid stress and no drop of alcohol.

    Thanks @Libertad!
    titan_transcendence and Saville like this.
  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well done man, what you wrote on your post yesterday reminds me of feelings I had on my last streak. I love those days when the opinion of others simply isn't as important to us as usual, love that kind of freedom. Yet it's a controlled freedom, we are still guided by our values, but we're no longer as much in bondage to what whomever may think of us. I also like what you write about having emotional flashbacks, especially this part reminds me of when I'm on a streak. Love those feelings and they really do feel like actual "healing". There is something mystical about them almost.

    Careful not to get too over confident though, it's sure tougher days may come again. And as you mention definitely don't allow yourself to fantasize more then necessary because things are going well. I know I have a tendency to allow myself to indulge more and more (subtly at first) in dangerous fantasizing when things go well. And as many of us know on here, that starts a landslide that's harder to control. Keep on rocking man !
    Saville likes this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Today my superpowers were all gone. Difficulties communicating. Stepped out of my comfortzone twice though by actively socializing at work. Whereas we choose to live with a suboptimally working brain when we PMO, our brain is all over the place with huge peaks and valleys during reboot.

    Was walking with the babies this afternoon. It was nice weather and passing a garden I saw a girl/womam laying there in her bikini. My god, can't she see I am trying to reboot here:mad:! I looked the other way as adviced by my brothers in arms. It was tough, but I managed. Right then it felt like missing out, but later no regrets. It is all fantasy.

    Thanks @Thelongwayhome27! I appreciate your comment on not getting too confident. It is what you wrote before in your journal and important to recognize as a risk. I think posting here daily is a good way to stay ahead of such feelings.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Slept 5 hours and after that another 2! Awesome. Things are getting better. In the upcoming weeks I want to see if I can gradually start doing a bit of exercise again.

    Will take things easy though, cause the most important thing for now is to do my brain exercises, i.e. keep dopamine through sexual stimulation low.

    Due to situation with babies and all no sex with my wife. But feels good. First time really rebooting without any stimulation.
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  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Love your mind-set these days, Gilgamesh.
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