Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    What about changing job? Looks very stressful so I ask the question..
    Is the job itself stressful and the company you work for?
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I have been thinking about that, but I am afraid that I would have that with any job that I would like or care about. It sounds like a contradiction, I know. On the one hand I need the challenge, but on the other hand I feel not at place.

    Last year I did a lot of field work at sea. On the ship there's a completely different culture than at the office, and I noticed I felt more comfortable with the people and was not sweating. At the same time the work there got boring to me after a while.

    I must find a way to deal with it. Get comfortable with people around me. Get comfortable with my tasks. It is all in my head. It is all what I believe about myself, thinking that I am not worth it, that I am an imposter, that I am not part of the community.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are definitely worth it, but in some ways we are all imposters. We have not allowed our inner selves to emerge and shine. This takes work. We must figure out what's important for us and not be afraid to live that. Slowly, incrementally, we begin to find ourselves on firmer ground.
    Gil79, TheScriabin and Mad Dog like this.
  4. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    To add to what @Saville is saying, maybe this is a life-long process. There's an immediacy within me to make change. I've identified that I feel like an imposter and than I have no worth. The solution is to find worth. Ideally, once I have found that things will get better for me, right? Hmm. Maybe it's not black and white like that. Maybe I need to adjust my thinking to "I want to feel as if I have worth some of the time."

    I don't know about you, but I think this is where my current struggle is. Like, I can observe this low self-worth in me. Ouch. It hurts to be with. So, I'm not going to touch it. I'm going on a quest to find my worth. That will fix me. After reading that, maybe I need to spend more time with the emotion and let it be.
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yes, exactly this. During eg holidays or I find it so easy to know what I want and need, but then being back in daily life things get so complicated so quickly again..... shedding of the habit of fantasy and PM will help me stay in reality and help me live my life to my values.
    Saville likes this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Actually last night in bed I really felt a miserable feeling in between my chest and belly. Was thinking: where dies that come from? What thought initiated that feeling? But it was just there, surfacing from the deep. It was a feeling assiciated to worthlessness. I just accepted it for what it was. I was sleepy enough to fall asleep anyway. No need to self-medicate. Next time I will accept it again.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yesterday so much anger and frustration with the lack of sleep and crying babies. Felt I was going to explode. Today same conditions but feeling good. Maybe reboot related.

    Feel that the dopamin tap is a bit more open. Tiny urges to fantasize. Not giving in. It is a fight I cant win. The pleasure of abstaining is a lot larger and long-lived than the pleasure of acting out.
    Lowdo and Outsider. like this.
  8. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    I'm glad today is slightly better - this is a tough hike some days!
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    So true. Here is a quote from Will Smith on discipline:
    "I think the word discipline has kind of gotten a bad name. We think about it in terms of punishment. I’m not talking about discipline in that way. I’m talking about discipline in the sense that you forgot immediate pleasure in exchange for long-term self-respect.”
    Nothing to add ;)
    Gil79 likes this.
  10. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    You can win. You already have. Listen man, some men with 2 new colic babies go bananas! Cant deal and throw the whole thing on the wife. You dont do that --- the tiny urges to fantasy are or may be because you are so sleep deprived. If not you will deal with it, you are a lot stronger than you think.
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Spot on. I'm in a much better place, yet not free of the addiction. Is it my fault for not trying hard enough, or is it simply the nature of the addiction? Unless I completely enter eremite mode, triggers will be there, everywhere. That may be the biggest reason why so many of us still struggle after all these years. Still, hope remains.
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    23 days without porn, fantasy, masturbation or orgasm. I think this is the first time I am doing this without having sex with my wife. It may be easier so far due to less chaser effect.

    Relly succesful in not using fantasy or ogling. Keeping that door closed, because I know where it leads.

    Told my landlord today a bit angry that I was fed up with something. She promised to arrange it. Felt a bit guilty afterwards and felt like apologizing. Realize theres nothing to feel guilty about. It is the nice guy syndrom that doesnt want this discomfort. Decided to accept these feelings and patted myself on the back for standing up for myself. No PMO definitely helps me to stand up for myself, keep my back straight and not take shit from people.

    Thanks so much @Lowdo, @Outsider., @Bobo and @Eternity for your feedback. Really appreciate it!
  13. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    LOL @ this

    We are battling a powerful opponent here. By denying ourselves the familiar dopamine rush we are effectively dealing with a chemical withdrawal. But the end result will be so worth it, keep going.
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is important! I had a similar experience the other day with my neighbor, also a woman. It's a long story, but I put her in place in a calm, but firm manner, and she went back to her house with her nose up in the air. I felt badly afterwards. I thought that perhaps I could have been gentler in my approach...this was the nice guy talking. She had accused me of something that was patently untrue and I'm feeling bad?

    It takes time getting used to being a normal human. We're allowed to stand up for ourselves. We don't have to make abusive people feel better so that everyone is happy.

    You did well!
    titan_transcendence and Gil79 like this.
  15. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi, Gilgamesh! You seem to be doing great. :cool:
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I had a great day yesterday. One of those days which I only have when abstaining for relativelt longer periods. Despite the lack off sleep my mind was sharp and I had a natural big smile on my face the whole day. Like sometimes it is so hard to smile, yesterday it was hard not to smile. This had an enourmous effect on the interaction with people. Only bringing my son to daycare I had had ready 3 really nice conversations with other parents. Then at work this continued througout the day. I had to speak to many people and get a lot done. My smile and attitude made everything go so smoothly. I can only describe it as 'lust for life'. My interaction with some women felt very sexual. But not focused on my or their sexual body parts, but just the exchange of energy itself. I felt in in my chest instead of my crotch. A beutiful light energy. Although thinkinh of it, now I feel it in my crotch...... uhm.... should be aware for urges today.......

    Thanks @Lowdo!

    @Saville: nice to hear how you dealt with that situation. It is a matter of practice I guess and the more we do it the more natural it gets. We have to think before we act upon or natural tendencys to please and back down.

    @titan_transcendence: it makes me very happy to see you posting more frequently and in my journal :). Thanks man!
    Outsider. and Lowdo like this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I wrote a couple of times about my sweating problem. Work stress/ anxiety makes me sweat under my armpits. Have to change my shirt multiple times a workday. But now I have tried an aluminum-based spray against perspiration. It works so well! Have been dry for 3 days. I feel awesome and confident. It even feels like I am calmer and less stressed.

    Felt some tiny urges coming from very deep down. Someone offered me a glass of wine today. For a millisecond I thought: if I take wine, I have an excuse to F- or PMO. This is how this shit works. Gil not stupid, Gil say no to alcohol!
    A New Man and Outsider. like this.
  18. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member


    Maybe you want to look at what aluminum does to you . Try arm and hammer baking soda with no aluminum Not trying to scare anyone but aluminum is spelled " cancer!"
    Pete McVries likes this.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Well, that possible effect was the reason why I didnt use it before. But I really looked into it and there is just no study that shows such effect and the studies that have been done show that the aluminum doesnt enter your body (above background concentrations). Aluminum led to cancer in mouse cells when it was injected in very high concentrations.

    Fear sells. Could it be that this roomer has been spread by the companies that sell cosmetics without aluminum?

    It does dry out the skin a bit, so won't use it all the time, but it is a blessing for me.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  20. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Ok, look at WHO PAYED FOR THE STUDIES ! In many cases the folks doing the studies have a vested interest in the studies and they need to be positive for them. Like the American beef council saying beef is ok for you. The reports that beef is loaded with pesticides is scientific nonsense. Fear sells? Well ok it does! Like the cigarette companies scientists swearing before Congress that cigs are not bad for you that it's all a profit motive and that the negative reports are just done to create fear in the public. What do you think just fear mongering by the studies being done? If you choose to use aluminum deodorants thats your decision to make.

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