Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    As adults, meaning persons of a certain age, we must allow that our parents were/are flawed. They are products of a fucked up society and family life. They had few tools. They didn't know how to be a functional couple and didn't understand how to just love their kids. They did the best with what they had. It would be wonderful if our parents had been introspective and desired change, like those of us on this board, but that is so rare. My folks are dead now, but I learned to love my mom even though I did not like how she behaved. As a person who was deeply hooked on P and sex I understand now how hard it is to break the bonds that bind.

    The absolutely wonderful thing is you have the opportunity to break the generational curse with your children. As an aware parent you will create enlightened kids, which will be a huge boon to society. :) The past is over. No, your dad will not change and it is not necessary that he changes. Your journey is one without him.

    Yes, you do. We all do! What does that mean? It means following our own journey. Sounds like a cliche and it is. But, cliches exists because there is an element of truth to them. What does following our journey mean? For us, on this forum, it means giving up PMO and MO. It means realizing that recovery is an "active" process. We must do things that are affirmative. What does that mean? It means, to me, taking care of the little jobs around the house. That's where I started. The piece of trim that I never finished. The bit of painting that I left for another day. The windows that are unwashed, etc. It is the little things that weigh us down, that rob us of our energy. We don't have to pick the right thing, we just have to pick one thing and do it. The wife may say "why are you doing that when this needs done?" What I say is "good point, honey, I'll probably do that next. Thanks for pointing it out." I may, or may not, do what she complained about. I don't care what she wants done, because it is never about her; just like it's never about our parents. This, to me, is growing up. I'm in charge of me.

    This is my take on it. You're asking all the right questions, Gil.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks so much @MissingSelfCompassion and @Saville.

    Exhausted. Only little sleep, but managing well at home and work. Managing my emotions really well. Staying calm, which gives me a lot of confidence. This feels like an aspect of maturity as well.

    No fantasies or ogling. It's a fight I can't win.
    Saville and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  3. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Why not? If you retrain the brain you can. Do you control the brain or does it control you ? Perhaps a serious question to ponder?
    Gil79 and Libertad like this.
  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    My mother seems similar to yours. Jesse Lee Petersen has a few good Videos on Youtube about this. In conclusion he says something like: We as sons of weak fathers and strong mothers take often the Feelings of our mothers over. We start to feel like our mothers. Full of Anger towards our fathers. In reality we would never hate or feel Angry towards our fathers if it was not because of the Feelings of our mothers. A Boy would not feel resentments against his Father in cases like the following: The mother tells the son, your Father is working to much, he should be here for your foodball game or for the dinner, why cant he be here on time, again your Father is late, your Father never thinks that we wanted to go to the park or Things like that. A Boy loves his Father, but ofhen if the mother is Angry and the Father weak, takes over the emotions and Feelings of his mother.
    I learned and can see it clearly now, that my Father is and was very weak. They are both still alive and when I visit them it is so clear now. In my case my Father is very compasionate and emotional and my mother is Cold and dominant.
    As Saville said, they did the best they could, but that doesnt mean that we should not see or recognize the truth.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    After almost 2 weeks of no FPM or O, I woke up with an erection and very horney. Tried to 'breath up' the sexual energy while squeezing my PC muscles. Dont know if it worked, but calmed down and erection went away.

    Sleeping still only minimally. Both babies have colics. Wife and I both overexhausted. Feel like a wreck. Hope things get better soon.

    Guys, sorry for nit posting/ responding. I appreciate it so much, but cant find the time. Will make it up later!
    Saville likes this.
  6. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate and agree with that.
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I have once read someone calling this the internal parent or internal judge. We should not listen. We make our own values now. Maybe that is part of maturity as well: shedding off our past and stop listening to our internal parents.....
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I have the feeling I could act more maturily towards my father. That would be talking to him and show him where my line is, ie tell him the conditions of our relationship. I will leave it for later. I dont think I love him. Atm only feel anger and guilt towards him.

    Been thinking a lot about maturity. One important aspect for me (what I find mature in a person) is integrity. I love this definition (quote): Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching
    Saville likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Fantasy and ogling is for me really opening the gate to acting out (PMO or worse). Or actually I think it is acting out. Enjoying the presence of a beautiful women, even her sexual energy, is different than the fixation on body parts which ogling and fantasy for me is.

    In the sexual extacy book I like the yin yang explanation. Of how the male fire should boil the female water instead of being extinguished by it and that the female/yin/water us so much stronger. That is how I came to 'the fight I can't win'. With ogling and fantasy I go directly to being extinguished. Abstaining from that makes my fire stronger.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks, will check out Peterson. Actually my whole life I have felt sorry for my dad. Seeing him as a poor victim. That was what he communicated to the outside world. Even felt/feel guilt. But only recently my eyes are open. I could see him for what he really is. Still a poor guy, but also someone who never took resposibility and demands things from others (me) that he has never given himself. I have never really known him that well, so I have filled in the blanks. Now I see I did a poor job in that.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Good observation. It is largely about conditions. Still I guess we are also really well able to create the right conditions ourselves.
    Living likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep on truckin'! :)
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not much to report. Feeling tired. Looking forward to sleep.

    Wife and I are a good team. I love her. In between the hectic moments of the day I can see her beauty. Wouldnt have felt this way if I was (P)MOing these days......
    Outsider. likes this.
  14. LetsReclaimLife

    LetsReclaimLife New Member

    relapse means what .. PMO or MO ? .. but good thing is you are still trying and not giving up ....
  15. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Ok define relapse!
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    @LetsReclaimLife and @Bobo, it is personal for everyone what relapse is. For me it has to do with intensity. PMO obviously is relapse to me, but a very intense session of fantasy MO as well. Atm resetting counter with PM or O.

    But anyway, since I started in 2012 I keptl falling back to P. Most people who come here do. I have only seen a handful of people coming by which were able to quit porn. Others are either still on their way or left the board.

    I am sure that everyone who comes by and everyone who (like me) is still around) has improved their life to a certain extent, but nonetheless still struggling
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Feeling a bit unstable. Not really aroused or with strong urges, but notice that light urges to ogle or fantasize pop up every now and then. Felt really attracted to my female office mate today (not bad on itself, but must not let it lead to fantasies) and had to be quite tough with myself not to ogle a girl in the street (this did give me a great rush of energy and confidence though).

    Feeling more masculin and confident, like always when abstaining. Still in need of sleep. A lot of sleep. Yesterday I almost had an accident for not seeing a car with priority. Sleep deprivation is dangerous. Have to take care.

    Need to fix my workstress. On just 4 hours I had to change my sweater twice due to excessive sweating. Really wet. So fed up with it.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're dealing bro'! Good job!
    Gil79 likes this.
  19. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Sleep is so important. The meds that messed me up had a side effect of letting me sleep. All my life I've been somewhat an insomniac. Unfortunately, the meds made me careless. I could have lopped a finger off while cutting vegetables and not noticed. Personally, I think I need to try to get on the regular workout schedule, AGAIN. That would probably help me alleviate stress and sleep. @Gilgamesh have you ever tried any guided sleep meditations? Maybe not for you because you have the kids and you don't want headphones on in bed. I've been meaning to give that a go. I don't know what your job is, but I got advice from an old boss that stuck with me. "Nobody dies in marketing." I still try to remind myself of that today. It's dangerous for someone like me to do the "What's the worst possible thing that could happen" game, but it works.

    I'm not trying to get you to slack off, haha. When I do the "worst thing" out loud, or on paper, I see how I'm stressing myself out. "If I don't answer this email right away, they'll think I'm incompetent, my boss will find out when they lose the client, I'll be fired. They'll black ball me and I'll never work again. I'll lose the house. My parents will find out I'm a loser. The wife will leave me. I'll be forced to live on the streets and get hit by a bus." It's a bad example, but going all the way through it helps me relax a bit because 80% of that is never going to happen realistically. Getting it out of my head and in the open relieves the stress. Sorry, I don't want to doctor you, just help because I'm thinking of you.
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Many people gave me a big smile today. Dont know if it was my positive attitude or my wild haircut of rushing in the morning. The babies let us sleep a bit longer last night. Wife and I both on a very good mood. Also when I came back from work we had a lot of fun. As I noticed many times before: abstaining makes the interaction with my wife better, more polar, more playful.

    Yesterday at work I had a meeting and had to discuss PMO, which here stand for something medical. It was really really awkward to say the word PMO out loud in a group of people. It felt like exposing myself, eventhough it was something completely different, lol :D

    Thanks so much @MissingSelfCompassion. I find it hard to pinpoint why I am so stressed. I like the phrase "nobody dies in marketing". My work does indeed feel like an unsafe place. I think it is a combination of social anxiety and fail anxiety. I can't reason with these fears. I am exposing myself, i.e. not staying in my comfort zone, but it just doesn't really seem to get better.
    A New Man and Saville like this.

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