Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey Gil, if you read this: I hope everything is all right with you.
     
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hey guys,

    Yesterday I decided to have a look at the good old YBR again. After some time away from here it felt like coming home and reuniting with family members. So good to read your inspiring stories and see how everybody keeps working on the best version of themselves.

    I am doing quite well. Things have been difficult (and still are) in the sense of balancing work, family, finances, personal health, etc., but I am content with myself and my life.

    However . . . . lately my acting-out-frequency has really increased. F(M) a couple of times a week and P(M)(O) once a week or so, on average. I think it is stress related. I have long days travelling and working and then when the kids are in bed in the evening and I finally have some time for myself (and I should just go for a walk or meditate) I turn to squeezing some dopamine into my brain by sexual fantasies, porn and/or polishing the bishop.

    I really need to het back on track, reduce this behaviour and really take out the stinger of my addiction. In December this year is my ten year anniversary on this board . . . Never expected it would take so long.

    @-Luke- sorry for the late reply. Thanks for your message. I hope you're doing well!
     
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Got through the weekend clean, but with a lot of post-PMO grumpiness. Last night in bed I couldn't sleep, playing out conversations I will have to have at work this week, and felt like hitting the dopamine button with some nice fantasies, but I also realized that I really have to start making an effort again in staying clean. I want to be free of this behaviour, that is sexual fantasies, porn and masturbation. AND I want and need to rekindle the sex and intimacy with my wife again and that is just not possible when I keep doing that stuff.
     
    nuclpow and Saville like this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The PMO stuff that happens "once a week or so" is habitual. It's just enough to keep us stuck, but not so much that we really hate ourselves. For myself I find it's a lack of imagination. By that I mean I don't see an exciting future as life has become predictable and kind of boring. Rekindling things with your wife sounds like a perfect solution. Rekindling things with yourself can also do wonders. There is lots of good going on in your life!
     
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  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night in bed I stayed away from sexual fantasies again. I realize how much this is an active effort right now and thus how much this has indeed become habitual (I either fall asleep exhausted or lay awake a little and start fantasizing). I know I must stay away from fantasies to be able to stay away from porn.

    Thanks @Saville, happy your still around here on the board!
     
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    If I don't act out tonight I am 1 week clean of fantasies, porn and masturbation. I wonder why I was not able to do this anymore for such a long time. It is a matter of mindset. All the conditions in my life are perfect to leave this behaviour behind me for good.
     
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You've shown before you've got great strength. It's great to see you back on track!
     
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey @Gil79 did you ever explain what the name of your thread means? It's self-explanatory to a point but I'd love to hear your take on it. Please elaborate if and when you get a gap to do so. Thanks in advance.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for asking RG. Porn is obviously where I stumble(d), but also the things that are/were associated to my porn (+fantasy+masturbation) use: diffulties in the interaction with others, difficulties with intimacy, low self esteem, social anxiety, feeling not good enough, isolation and anger towards others, often resulting in conflict. In the last 10 years or so, I have been working on my issues and I think I have made great progress. Especially the way I feel about myself and others has exponentially changed and now I am at a point where I can feel good about myself in relation to others and really enjoy meeting other people. The key here for me was to actively become interested in others. That helps in taking away the fear and anger of others and understand myself better as well. That is my treasure. And yeah, removing porn from my life is another treasure by itself
     
    A New Man, Saville and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thank you @Gil79 , I love that
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yesterday I told my boss that I will be leaving the company. I just started working there in May this year, but it is not exactly what I was looking for and I found a better fitting job in the meantime. It made me feel terrible and I feel very guilty. Especially because it is a small company and the people are so sympathetic, also my boss. They were even offering me to talk about possibilities to make me stay. I should see this as pure business (cause they would let me go if I would't function well despite being nice), but it feels very personal. As if I am breaking up with a girlfriend who doesn't want to let me go. Writing this down I wonder what I an talking about now. I am a man of 43 years old and I have worked there for barely 2 months. Well, anyway, last night I felt bad about it and got strong urges to watch P or at least fantasize a bit. I didn't, and stayed in the real world eventhough it was unpleasant. I have to keep leaning into the unpleasantness when it arises, because that is what I feel at that moment and therefore the most important thing going on in my life.
     
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I spoke again to my boss and later to the rest of my colleagues. Everybody was very understanding. I feel at peace with the situation now. A bit emotional even. Not sure why. Maybe because I leave on good terms and that this is part of a transition to a new phase in my life. In general it feels like the larger wheels of my life are in motion. The twins are moving into the toddler phase, the new job with more financial possibilities (house, savings, etc), my general maturity and social development and having largely shed-off my childhood traumas. shall we say I leave my FPM addictions behind me now as well? I think it is the perfect time to do so
     
    mailboxsam and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm a loyal person, so quitting or leaving has always made me feel bad. Like I've betrayed. There's always going to be guilt, and I'll always wonder if it truly was the right decision. That said, we shouldn't stay in situations that we don't like.
     
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  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yea, I have a lot of similar self-judgmental thoughts when I try to write down my honest feelings about situations. Sometimes I block out my true thoughts or feelings because of this, I ignore them. Honestly, in this situation to me it just looks as if you're a good and caring person. Yeah, being all ''cold, rational and business'' about things is helpful (pragmatic) in the world we live in, but in truth it would be nice if everyone would be less cold and business about things. Maybe you're just a sensitive person, and that's a great quality, though can of course also be a source of a lot of challenges in life.

    Yea dwelling in reality, especially when it's unpleasant, is the best thing we can do for ourselves. Sometimes it's very difficult to do, if not impossible, but we must do it as much as we can and therefore it's important to constantly remember this principle. To lean into the unpleasantness of life.
     
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  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I need to share something quite relevant. I had a very stressful weekend and had flash-fantasies coming up all the time. Sundaynight I kind of decided (it seemed rational, but clearly it wasn't) to have a shower and masturbate. I did so without fantasy. barely half an hour later I was on the couch andy wife came to me and started kissing me. it was clear she was in the mood for sex. It was too long ago for us and I didn't want to say no. I also liked the intimacy (of which we have a lack lately), but I was also afraid I couldn't get any action going in the nether regions because of the MO. It took a while, but it all started working and we had great sex. These 10 minutes restored an imbalance that had lasted for weeks or months and I realized how cold and meaningless masturbation is compared to intimate sex with my wife and how important sex is for my health and the relationship with my wife.

    I am not good in abstaining from a sexual outlet and the most succesful longer streaks I had were the once in which I actively worked on the sex life with my wife. It has been like that in the last 10 years and there's no reason to think I could or should do things different now.

    I am not resetting my counter because the net result is a big win
     
  16. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    That's awesome Gil! I'm so happy that this good experience brought you joy and happiness. You are not who you used to be, so deep into PMO and unhealthiness. This experience caught you in a season of better health and is now a cool chapter in your life of recovery!
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I just had a period with lots of (intentional) sexual fantasies. a response to stress and poor sleep I think. Fantasies feel the same to me as porn use. They lead to brain fog and lack of motivation. I need to find a healthy outlet. The problem is that I make long days and cycle long distances to and from work, so when the day is over I am physicallly and mentally exhausted and I just want to either watch TV or sleep.
     
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Bad PMO and alcohol binge last night.
     
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Happens for sure. Kudos for being accountable about it here. You had a good run and it's not all deleted that's for sure, you can pick it back up. It's not easy, stress really does catch up to us sometimes. The whole thing is a work in progress.

    Just advancing an uninformed guess here, but maybe you had a legit and very human need for a sexual release or for intimacy ?
     
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  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I heard a quote the other day: "sin is the addiction to being less than ourselves." If we take out "sin" and replace it with "P" I think that sums things up pretty well. It is terrifying to be so responsible for not only our own happiness and well-being, but that of our families. Sometimes we try and hold it all together by flying under the radar of our amazing selves.

    I believe in you!
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2022

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