Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think it really is that we're used to fapping those thoughts and feelings away. Now we don't do that so the feelings hang around. Now we have to observe, accept and analyse them. (P)MO-ing just once or twice really relieves a lot of tension and makes me feel better and more relaxed. But the tension will come back and then with all the negative consequences of acting out.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    You're so right. Thanks for mentioning!
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yeah, definitely. I remember when I started at university that I felt that everyone was looking at me, able to see I didnt belong there. I don't feel it so extreme anymore, but still feel an outsider and looking for acceptance and validation. Really want to change that now.

    Thanks a lot man!
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I can't see my counter on my smartphone, but believe it is 2 weeks.

    This morning I brought my son a bit later to daycare. I passed a young mother who was just leaving and all of a sudden she turned around and asked if I was not working today. I found it a bit strange, but didnt really pay attention to it. Later in the car all of a sudden I thought that maybe she asked it to check whether I was up for something, i.e. bang her. No idea. Probably thay was just my sleep, sex and porn deprived brain, but it led to flash fantasies the whole day. Shit, urges alive and kicking. Have to bring the focus back and build new pathways. Fantasies lead to nowhere.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    MOed to fantasy yesterday at night. Dont really feel bad about it, but not the way to go. Slap myself in the face and continue abstaining and ..... eh.... changing diapers.... thats my life now and thats ok. Generally happy. Grateful.
    Saville likes this.
  6. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Try the landscape mode, your counter will appear ;)
    Hope you're doing well mate, I'll take time to read your inputs, I'm 6 months late :D
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Another FMO. Slept better and feel a bit more rested though. Feeling positive.

    Thanks! If I had known that before, I am sure I would have been at day 300 right now ;):p
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've been PMO free going on three years. However, I have still allowed myself, at times, to FMO. One FMO leads to another and so it goes. Eventually, if we don't put a cap on it, it leads back to PMO. Not that long ago I FMO'd every day for three days and suddenly PMO seemed like something I might like to do. Why? Because, eventually FMO is not enough to excite me and it takes too long to cum.

    Remember: neurons that fire together, wire together. FMO may help us sleep better at times, but it is also slowly destroying us, stroke by stroke. Our happiness depends on our neuroplastic brains rewiring to positive stimuli.

    I'm glad you are feeling well, Gilgamesh, but FMO is a false god. I'm writing this to myself as much as you.
    MissingSelfCompassion and Gil79 like this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sleep is getting better, but still only little and coping less well with it. The latter maybe because I also MOed twice?

    Thanks @Saville. You're so right. For me the intensity of FMO after abstaining a while does not differ that much from PMO. All the same sedatives.

    Actually I didnt even need it to sleep. If I would have turned to my side I would have fallen asleep. I think I really just wanted to drug myself.

    The reason I seem to take it so lightly (which I do not) is that I decided for myself to not be beat down by my bad choices anymore. Regret, shame and guilt keep you away from growing. Have had enough of that in tje past. Not going down that spiral anymore.
    Thelongwayhome27 and Saville like this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's very true. There are many ways to recovery. :)
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I'll always remember this post I read on some journal on here a few years ago by a person who was gradually able to get on better and better recovery efforts, and looking back on his earlier journal entries he was always relapsing, he was a complete chronic relapser before. And in that post he said "ironically the less I was hard on myself when relapsing the more I started getting on better and better recovery efforts (streaks)". I was inspired by that because I was always very hard on myself and super dramatic when I was relapsing at first. I've had times when I literally cried in my shower after I relapsed. Lol.

    It seems to me that being overly harsh on oneself when relapsing is just another part of the addiction cycle. So I thought maybe if I can't stop myself relapsing I can start working on breaking the cycle "down there" by forgiving myself when I falter. This attitude seemed to bring back a healthier and calmer kind of motivation to recover.
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2019
    MissingSelfCompassion and Gil79 like this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yeah... I've used MO to fall asleep again but there's no need. I think it's just to make my brain shut up for a while. Instead it would be better to learn to ignore it.
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    You're totally right. Shame and regrets will only make you feel worse. We, as addicts, love to beat ourselves down, so that we don't want to heal.
    As long as you continue your wonderful journey you're winning against this addiction and you do improve yourself and your life, whatever be your relapses. We're human beings with our weaknesses and strengths. We fall, but we get up.
    Gil79 likes this.
  14. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    The loop. If I'm not talking about it with my psychiatrist, I'm bringing it up in my group. I use my recovery as a way beat myself up. "You didn't abstain today, you're a loser." "You know that thinking you're a loser is part of your pattern and your depression, yet you still do ti. You're a loser." This has made recovery so very hard for me. However, it's not 24/7. Each moment brings me a chance to course correct. Even dwelling on these past events as I type this is not being present. Right now, right here, reading this, is all you have to do in this moment. "Spiraling" as you refer to it, @Gilgamesh (me too), happens outside the present moment. Keep on trucking, friend. You are inspiring!
    A New Man, Gil79 and Saville like this.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks so much for posting in my journal @Saville @Eternity @Thelongwayhome27 @Outsider. @MissingSelfCompassion. What a great community is this. Sorry, no time really to reply, but following your updates daily.

    Doing fine here. Being busy at home and work leaves only little time to worry or be insecure about stuff. Feel intense hate towards my father though. Maybe afraid to see myself in him, maybe just because as a father now I can see more clearly what he has done by being absent. Want to give room for that anger. I want to heal this. As Raskalnikov (who unfortunately left the board) said so beautifully: my wounds are open.
  16. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Intense hate doesn't sound fine. I'm glad you're working on giving it space, though. It's something I must practice more. I get concerned that I'm bottling it up, rather than letting it be, because that was my pattern before. Perhaps if I could stay sober for longer the fog would lift and I'd be a better judge. Of course, I'm only human, so I should probably let go of this idea that I will always be able to let my emotions be.

    My issues are mostly with my mother. I see myself in her lots and I realize that's some stuff to work through. So, I am familiar to your situation. I don't have your answers or mine. But, I'm here. With you in spirit and mind.
    Saville and Gil79 like this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks MSC.

    I think that that is it: I am giving it space. It has always been there, but mostly projected it on others and other things. I am accepting it and breathing towards it.

    I also had issues with my mother. She was dominant and hyper (man hating) feministic. Worked quite succesfully on that already and have a good relationship with her now. She has also changed. I have to get this anger towards my father out. He will not change. I just have to figure out what to do: still seeing him for my children, what to do when he gets sick or needs help otherwise (he has no one else), etc. Continuing as we have been doing before is not good for me. That would not be fair to me.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    One week in again! It is nothing, I know. Especially regarding the fact that I am here since 2012. On the other hand, my relationship with (P)MO completely changed. I was strongly under its spell and affected me in daily life and relationships. Now its influence is only minor. (P)MOing feels more like drinking a bit too much and having a light hangover. I suck it up and do what I have to do.

    But, I know that I am not living to my full potential and that my (P)MO habit is the most important causal factor. Besides, as long as I keep the flame burning, there's chance I will fall into even more risky and damaging behaviour like cheating/prostitutes. I have to take this seriously.

    Why are some rebooters here succesful and others (like me and more than 90% on this board) caught in endless cycles of relapse? It feels to me that is has to do with maturity. I have to mature. I have to get rid of that feeling that I can do things that dont go with my values whem no one knows about it, or under special conditions. E.g. it is late at night, I am stressed, I am alone, just once doesn't harm, etc.

    I have what it takes, I have the willpower, the conditions are optimal, there's so much love in my life right now, I can do this.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  19. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Yes you can! Love or no love from another but love from you to you!
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  20. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Remember also, we're individuals. My nose doesn't look like yours, or anyone else's on this forum. Our brain chemistry is just as different. So is our personal histories. From the few exchanges here, I think you're pretty mature. I don't think maturity is solely the issue for every gambler, drinker, or drug user. Stress is a big one for most of us addicts. I'm only reaching out, and trying to offer alternatives because of my own experience. Thoughts like you just expressed feel so familiar-- "I should, I must, I have to." It's very similar to the male BS were fed as boys, "Man Up!"

    The stories you've shared in your journal about your family, kids, and dealing with you parents make me think you're pretty damn mature. I am sure I uttered, "Wow, look at everything he's got going on and he can also abstain? What's my problem?" Well, there I go beating myself up. So that's one issue for me. Next, let me look at maturity for myself. Yeah, maybe I haven't grown up. Actually, I was just thinking about this the other day and started writing about it for my mental health blog, and forgot about it. My idea was that there's no such thing as "adulting." You don't wake up one day knowing how to buy a house or pay the bills. It all comes with experience. By perceiving tasks like that as difficult, and something I'm not good at, or labeling it "adulting," I'm keeping myself in that immature status in my head.

    @Bobo 's advice is spot on and so much more concise than mine. I can certainly use it too.
    Gil79 and Saville like this.

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