Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Great work mate! Keep it up. Accountability it critical to recovery.

    PC
     
    Gil79 and NewStart19 like this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last Tuesday I entered a porn site to cancel a subscription. Bad idea, should have done that on day 0! I clicked on a porn clip and clicked through it for about 30s. Then I closed it off, but the images I saw stuck with me for the rest of the day. I installed filtering in my covenant eyes account and contacted my AP. It got me through the day, but I was thinking of (and trying to) bypass the filtering a couple of times. In the end of the day (actually when the urges had already gone) I MOed without fantasy. It is scary how sudden and intense urges can become. I felt really safe to cancel my subscription, otherwise I wouldn't have done it. Well, I think that the damage was really small and that it was something I had to get through. I wouldn't have been able to get thorugh without my AP and filtering though. That's for sure. Yesterday and today I feel good again.
     
  3. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    You pointed out the difference between accidentally being exposed to triggering material and actively exposing oneself to triggering material really well. In my mind, the latter is the damaging one, not only because you are doing it deliberately but because all of the inner processes that are connected with the addiction are activated. Sitting in a cinema and watching a triggering sex scene in an otherwise sex unrelated movie is not problematic. Rewatching the scene at home, looking for more lewd media of that actress is. Once it's on, it's on.

    Good to hear, you could recover without doing any further damage. The stress and exhaustion the fight against the looming relapse induces is crazy as you have to fight in loops over and over again in such a small time frame.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2021
  4. realness

    realness Active Member

    What's the latest Gil?
     
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for asking @realness! I am quite OK. Life is a bit stresful lately. I find it very difficult to handle things (work, wife, kids, family issues, personal health and time for myself), but I also know that that is all temporary and that with covid more under control (hopefully) and kids getting a bit less dependent every day, things will turn to normal with more time for myself (and work on myself). Also I have seen my psychologist twice now. We're mostly going to focus on the issues with my family (father mother). Porn-wise things are also going better than the last couple of months. I have not watched porn since a couple of weeks. Only once I checked some borderline and separately from that I MOed twice. I have daily contact with my accountability partner and we're both using Covenant Eyes, being able to check eachothers web activity. This has saved me from watching porn 4 times already. Its a pity that it is necessary, but hey it works and thats what counts for now. Hope you're doing well @realness and others here ofcourse!
     
  6. realness

    realness Active Member

    Right there with you brother! My wife has dived into some time consuming charitable endeavors. They've taken up two weekends lately with prep work bleeding into other evenings. I feel like a single dad sometimes. The resentment bubbles up too, and I have to flag it and tackle those thoughts and do something productive instead. Like talk to my wife about our priorities, time management and expectations for each other. Hasn't been easy, highs and lows, etc, but slowly learning that choosing to escape and PMO has a price, and I've paid dearly over the years, and making other choices pays dividends, maybe slowly and small at first, but wise choices pay out instead of costing me my sanity and mental health!

    So happy to hear you're doing well in other ways. Yeah, Covenant Eyes works well for me when random opportunities arise that could easily lead to a binge.

    I thought of you this morning when I saw the troublesome tights/leggings/yoga pants mom at school dropoff. Today's pants were ummmm..... I guess the only goal is to cover the skin. She may as well not have worn pants! It was kind of comical and I didn't get into a lust spiral. I'm in a healthy place right now so i was able to chuckle and move on.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    That is so good to hear, realness
     
    Gil79 and realness like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hey guys, I thought I have a look around here at YBR. It feels good to read updates and see people recovering or at least persevering. Two great inspiring success stories by @Pete McVries and @Saville are the living proof that it is possible to overcome this addiction, but also that we have to work hard for it.

    I think that in general I am doing well. I am happy with my life. But there is also a lot of stress and I am still using fantasy, porn and masturbation to deal with that too much. I just had a continuous cycle of acting out once every few days or so. I have to deal better with stress. The problem is that now it is a cycle: stress leads to porn --> porn leads to stress.

    My inactivity here at the board doesn't mean that I have not been doing any effort to stay clean. I am actively working on my recovery with my accountability partner and will continue to do so. Also I am talking with a psychologist, mainly to deal with my anger towards my father and my social anxiety in general. I am really hopeful for the future, but also I am sometimes hoping too much for a better future. What the 2 success stories made me see today, is that I have to make things better today. I guess that my thoughts are too often "now things are stressful and I should not be too hard for myself, but things will get better/ easier and then I will automatically be OK". That is quite a lie and I should stay aware of that.

    Thanks for reading. I will try to come here a bit more often and stay updated with your progress!
     
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Good to see you again Gil! I thought of you last week.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great so see you, missed you man! Always a lot of great insights.

    Hang in there! Keep fighting the good fight. All the best.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Welcome back!
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Glad you're still here Gil79 !
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep on posting, bro'! :)
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for your replies, guys. And thanks for still being here. I feel very welcome :)

    Autumn has kind of started in my country. I love the beginning of this season. It is s if you can feel the change in the air and it inspires me to change myself to. I really need this. I need to keep moving forward and transform into a more healthy and calm version of myself.
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I love the changing of any season. They are outward manifestations of what our hearts yearn for.
     
    Gil79 and Deleted User like this.
  16. badger

    badger Active Member

    we change daily. i am not the same person i was yesterday-physiologically,emotionally, spiritually. unless i am doing PMO, then i am the same filthy, emotionally and mentally deranged individual. my choice. do i want to grow or stay in the same self-imposed hell. actually i won't even stay there, i will keep sliding deeper and lower until i commit suicide like many others have because porn dug it's ugly talons in them. my choice. today do i feed the good wolf or the bad wolf.
     
    Gil79 and Old Tom Bombadil like this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    2 weeks clean

    I have thew feeling I am slowly getting into the right mindset again. I really need to stay disciplined now. Disciplined to keep doing my tasks, be true to myself and avoid behavior that is bad for me. I don't need to hide. I need to keep my back straight.

    Wow, that is a really nice way to put it!

    That is so true, but why is it so difficult to see that 'in the moment'?
     
  18. badger

    badger Active Member

    for me, that is where goals come in. while i am taking one step at a time on the trail i need to look up at the mountain top every so often to confirm where i am going.
     
    Professor Chaos and Gil79 like this.
  19. realness

    realness Active Member

    Great to hear updates from you Gil. Have you started talking with a counselor yet? I think that would be a great idea to address some deep roots of your struggles, your relationship with your father. Much like you, I have a lot going on with young kids, a marriage, and also I need to talk to a counselor about my relationship with my mother and her passing away this spring.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yes, I agree. We have to actively keep focusing on these goals. We have to visualize them and create them first in our minds so that they can materialize in real life.

    Yes, actually I am almost at the end of the sessions with my counselor already. We talked about the situation with my father and my resulting anger and social anxiety. It would be good to continue, but there's only 8 sessions covered by the insurance. It was very helpful so far though. I really feel that I understand my feelings better, as if I have untied a knot. I think I can really move forward by myself again as well.
    Yes, family life is rewarding, but also very challenging. It is important that we don't loose ourselves in it and that we make sure that our own needs are also met. Working on ourselves (complicated emotions and addiction) is a good investment of our time. It is difficult to arrange sometimes, but in the long run the family as a whole will benefit from it.
     

Share This Page