Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Day 5 :cool:

    Yeah had to reset the counter. Triggers: stress, anger, anxiety. But feeling well now. Actually all in all I am still doing well. Have to be aware of my needs and the importance of good sleep and time for self (mindfulness).

    Not much else to report.....
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Good to be aware of the triggers. Glad you didn't get stuck in P-world and that you're moving forward once again.
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Day 5 :cool:

    Not much to report. Kids going back to school tomorrow. Anticipating on how much space that will give me and my wife to relieve tension, get some work done and . . . be a bit more intimate. Also spring is around the corner, which is making things a bit lighter again. Still got some background anxiety going on. But I think that is normal and I'll just accept it. No urges.
    Saville likes this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Day 6 :cool:

    Kids in school, sun is shining. Getting some work done!
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Day 8 :cool:

    Had sex with mrs Gil last night. Was not really in to it, but turned out really nice. Positive effect on our interaction. Note to self: keep having sex regularly. 10 times better than porn and positive effects.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Very true! Even when real sex isn't mind-blowing, it's still infinitely better than PMO. No contest.
    Gil79 and realness like this.
  7. realness

    realness Active Member

    Great stuff man! We had a does of early spring in our area, feeling the same hope and lift from that warm weather. Glad you are enjoying the change with the kids in school and that you're proactively engaging with your wife as well as the other tools of recovery.
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not doing so well lately. Had family over last weekend for the birthday of my youngest son and daughter. Eventhough I looked forward to seeing my mother, sister, and my nephews, I also looked up to it. And in the same way it was nice that they were here, it also made me feel very negative. With them around, I guess I am reminded of things I don't want to remember. We fall into dynamics and roles that I don't want anymore. And I feel guilty of having broken with my father, eventhough I hate him so much. This was even strengthened when my mother suggested that I talk to him, because he 'is family afterall'. This even brought up a lot of anger towards my mother. I have PMOed several times this week and I feel really down. It doesn't help that I am really negative of job and housing possibilities in the nearby future and that my son doesn't seem to get comfortable in school. I need to find my strength and personal power back. Today is day 2 without PMO.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  9. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Je kunt het! Niet opgeven!

    Pas goed op jezelf.
    Gil79 likes this.
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hey man,

    Those all sound like really massive challenges. This habit is hard to kick even at the best of times. There’s an old Buddhist proverb I like
    “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family”

    Please don’t think I am trying to make light of your struggle. It is a very difficult mountain to climb. I think I have mentioned it before, but do consider getting some professional help if that option is available to you.

    I recently talked to a phone councilor about my experiences last year with having a child. It was really helpful to air out how I was feeling and get some emotional stuff I was sitting on out of my system.

    Also I really don’t subscribe to the notion that you need to accept someone into your life just because they are family. Another proverb I like is that: “you can love the tiger, just from a distance.”

    As a fully grown adult, you are free to allow whoever you see as being healthy and precious into your life. You build your own family, and it sounds like you are doing a great job. Just being here and trying to get away from this unhealthy habit speaks volumes about you as a man.

    Good luck my brother. If you ever need to chat. Just reach out.


    Pete McVries likes this.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night in bed my wife asked me how I was doing. I told her about how the family visit had affected me. She told me that she can always see that effect in me and asked a bit further. I explained how now as a father I can see so clearly what I have missed myself and while I was explaining her I bursted out in tears. I couldn't stop crying and continued to do so for minutes. It felt so good to cry like this and let it all out. Also to share it with my wife. She told me that she is worried in general for my well-being sometimes. She can see the sorrow and anger in me. This morning I kept crying and crying while I was trying to work behind my laptop. I decided to contact a psychologist and did so. They will call me back to make an appointment. Let's see . . .

    Thanks so much for your support @NewStart19 and @Professor Chaos.

    Flawless Dutch newstart!! :)

    PC, thanks for reminding me to see someone about it. I am a bit scared but it is the best investment I can do in myself and with that in my family. I really like those proverbs and will keep them in mind. It is heartwarming that your willing to chat and maybe I will make use of that.
  12. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Sounds like you have a good partner. You’re a lucky guy.

    I hope your cry proved cathartic. Best of luck with the appointment.

    Hou je taai!
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    This is what real strength looks like. This is what real courage and real healing looks like. Really proud of you. It takes a massive amount of guts to do this. I could tell from the tone of your writing something was wrong. You are usually optimistic and upbeat and it seemed like you’d fallen into a pit of despair. I can totally relate.

    How lucky are we as men to have wives that love us. That see us as we are and can be there for us. That’s part of the multi-dimensional aspect of women that is so lost in hyper-sexualisation. There is so much more they offer us than a release of sexual tension of what the French call ‘The little death’.

    Please keep us updated and stick with it. The heroes journey always starts by going into the ‘underworld’ so you can return with new knowledge and new experience.

    With much pride.

  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I have to wait for 4 weeks for my first appointment with the psychologist. I guess they're busy . . . and also I specifically asked for a male psychologist. They seem quite rare, didn't know that. My previous psychologist was a woman. Those sessions were really helpful, but I feel that now it is better to have a man to talk to.

    Today I am feeling a lot lighter, so yes @NewStart19, I guess it was cathartic. Yesterday and today I have been crying as well. Everything just feels to be at the surface and that is not a bad thing. My wounds seem open and now they can heal properly. A very interesting analogy is currently happening as I am going to the physiotherapist for my knee injury. He massages the knee ligament very hard with his knuckles. It hurts quite a bit, but he says that it speeds up the healing process: activating the irritated part, so that it can heal properly. Today I have been running and it felt quite good, so fingers crossed that it goes well.

    Yeah, I guess it is important to show my 'shadow-side'. Or better accept my shadow-side. The road of least resistance is to just not post here, not open up to my wife and hide the feelings from myself by watching TV and porn. I really have to cross a barrier to talk about (negative) emotions, but it is so necessary and relieving. It really is like opening the curtains and windows in a dark and dusty room.

    Thanks guys!
    Professor Chaos and NewStart19 like this.
  15. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    My man! Taking care of both your body and mind. That's the ticket.

    I've noticed your avatar is of a cute little bird. Are you a fan of bird-watching? If so, I thought I might share with you that this book just arrived in the mail today. I hope to make use of it during my weekly outdoor expeditions. It's relatively compact which is nice. Anyway, if you have any pointers for a bird-watching newbie, please let me know.

    I think I've burnt through all my Dutch phrases, so I'll just end it with the usual.

    Take care
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    At the school of my oldest so, a mother of a class mate, I find very attractive. Our eyes always cross and we smile to each other. Already for a long time this has let to sexual fantasies and last night and this morning in the car to school again. This always leads to this sequence: bit of fantasizing about her, more explicit and longer fantasy sessions, fantasy with masturbation, watching porn, PMO. This sequence happens over a couple of days. At the same time my wife and I only have sex sporadically. This behaviour just sucks all the intimacy from my relationship.


    Well, I got a bit bored with previous my avatar and when I decided to change it I saw a blackbird outside. I saw a parallel between his and my life as I was so busy with the baby's. This blackbird had 3! nests that year and was searching for food from early morning until late evening and chasing away all intruders from the garden.

    I live in a bird-watch heaven, close to the dunes, close to the beach and close to a large intertidal mud-flat area that attracts many migratory birds. Many bird-watchers would be jealous. I do enjoy birds, but I am not really actively looking for them. I am thinking of buying a good pair of binoculars though.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  17. realness

    realness Active Member

    I can so relate to your experience of the attractive mom that you pass by as part of your daily routine. I have the same situation, the mom of my boy's school mate. The leggings/yoga pants definitely don't help either! She actually struck up a conversation with me recently and it helped some to find out her name, we both mentioned our spouses, the boys common interests, etc. It helped to push me from sneaking long looks at her and objectifying her towards seeing her as a person worthy of my better intentions. Unfortunately my lesser intentions are always present and my first instincts are to let my eyes go to town, but this one step of interaction helps me get some traction now when I see her.

    I always appreciate you sharing your story Gil. I could smell the salty ocean air and hear the seagulls while reading your post. All the way from the Rocky Mountains in the US!
  18. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    The origin story of your avatar is far more interesting than what I had in mind ; )

    Be careful with that type of fantasizing though. I've been out of a relationship for a while, but from past experience, it can snowball and bring you to territory you will wish you never visited.

    If you are feeling some overwhelming urges or withdrawals, try taking a drive or walk along the coastline sometime. Maybe you could take advantage of the nearby natural scenery to build some type of hobby that you can rely on to get you out of the house, away from the computer, and out of your head when you feel in danger of a relapse.

    Take care
    Gil79 and Professor Chaos like this.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yesterday after writing my post about sexual fantasies and low intimacy between me and Mrs. Gil79, I went downstairs and started kissing my wife. I noticed that she was in the mood as well and as the kids were in school we had the whole house to ourselves. One thing let to another and we had great sex, and in bed for a change! It was really good. Normally we're both so tired in the evening, but this was just great. We took the time for it en just enjoyed. The whole day (and today still) we were very flirty and touchy. Nice. Last night and now, quite some chaser effect though and fantasies are coming back.

    Thanks so much for sharing your experience @realness! It is good to hear that I am not the only one. Man, I can imagine that those yoga pants are not helping. I remember to have slapped myself in my face once to get out of that mental state. It only helped for a while, haha. I guess it is also a matter of discipline. I also like your way of de-objectifying. I will try that.

    You're absolutely right @NewStart19, it is dangerous territory and I should be careful. I am outside a lot, always taking the kids to the garden or the dunes. My dangerous moments are when I am in the house and got nowhere to go (doing chores, in bed, etc.). But your advice is still good and I should be more inventive and find ways to stop myself from doing so. Thanks!
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's wonderful, Gil! These experiences really deepen our connection with ourselves.
    Gil79 likes this.

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