Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well done man ! Following in your trail lol.

    Way to go getting back into working out. It sounds great that you are paying attention to warm up smartly before and also to do yoga/stretching afterwards.

    I'm slowly getting into yoga a bit myself. Got a book on it and so far I'm practicing one yoga warm up routine.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    :D OK, going to check on you now. Maybe we can go through the 90-day mark together!

    I am doing the sun salute and a vertical twist (don't know its name) every day. It feels quite complete like this.
     
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  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Just watched porn and edged to it. Was not even thinking about it, but when everybody left the house . . . . .opportunity. I realized how I would feel after and orgasm and then I stopped. Did some crunches and drank a lot of water. Urges are gone now. I will do some breathing exercises now. I should spend my valuable time alone in a more satisfying way than obsessing over pussy and tits.
     
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  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    As you may have noticed on my own journal lately, I can fully relate to wanting to do one thing and doing the exact opposite course of action.

    Well done on stopping the session though and taking steps to decrease the urge. When we're having trouble finding our footing I think it's wise to try to see the positive, little as it may seem, and build there. It's kind of what I'm trying to do right now as well, though it's challenging.

    I liked your idea of trying to reach 90 days together :)

    Keep going man !
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    After my previous post I did my breathing exercises and yoga. I felt awesome and victorious for turning things around. I went outside to pick up the kids. Happy. Last night I woke up and decided it was a good idea to take my phone, watch porn and finish what I started . . . .:(

    This morning I woke up with brainfog and regret. My first thought was 'this is going to be a really shitty day'. But I decided right there that it doesn't have to be like that. Went for a walk outside with my youngest son, had breakfast and just did a really nice workout with yoga. Feeling really good now. Grandparents took the kids for a walk, so now a bit of time to write here.

    @Thelongwayhome27 it can really be challenging to find, create and/ or expand the positive indeed, especially when we feel we're spiraling down, but as long as we keep putting effort, we're spiraling up again before we know it. We must keep turning things around and build momentum in the right direction. Although our addiction can be overwhelming and claiming, there is so much more going on in our lives. Porn is only part of it all. And hey, clearly I have reset my counter to be able to still reach the 90 day mark with you together ;).
     
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  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is so important! You did good!
     
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  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know that feeling. Sometimes despite our best efforts we do slip back in where from we want to get out. It's just the nature of this beast it seems. But if we don't beat ourselves up (hard not to), keep trying and building on the right attitude, we do get out at some point and start getting back to better quality of recovery (as we have done on many occasions). So the way you switched things around, in the morning, despite the lethargic brain fog shows where you want to go. And that's great. I think beating this thing is so much about finding the right attitude and then maintaining it.

    I'm with you on that path as well ! Day 2 here so we can keep building !

    Hooray (lol :cool:)

    Also it's still a positive that you did stop despite finishing the deed many hours later. You could have easily finished the deed the first time around and then had another PMO later on.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2021
    Gil79 likes this.
  8. RuinedMyLife

    RuinedMyLife New Member

    I woke up today excited to see my counter hit 1 to start my countdown. I'm ready and motivated to get this thing in the double digits. If I can do that, then heck yea, pat on my back. I've been PM for about 90 days before and that is my record. Now I'm ready to reach that goal and surpass it. I don't have anything to add here, I read all the posts and it's like reading my own issues and then the responses are there for me to follow for advice. This place will be great
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Lunch with 2 glasses of wine --> Everybody left the house --> working alone --> thoughts of opportunity to PMO --> increased heart rate --> some peeking --> closing website --> coming here --> leaving the house now . . . !
     
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Stay strong Gil !
     
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  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I managed to get out of the house, but later at night I did actively fantasize. I don't know where the urges come from lately. My stress levels are really reducing the last couple of weeks and I feel more human than I have felt in a long time. I am sleeping quite well, eating healthy, working-out. I think that I am actually just craving for real intimacy and sex, because it is so difficult to find the time and energy for that. Also last time my wife and I had sex, it was all just a bit uncomfortable. She was not really in to it, but still let me have it. That doesn't really work for me and makes maybe makes me hesitant to initiate again. It may be called a nice guy trait, but what it comes down to is that I find it difficult to accept and communicate that I have needs, especially sexually. Porn, fantasy and masturbation is than a way to easy safe haven to get my needs met. But ofcourse it is just settling for less and worse.
     
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  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I PMOed again last night. I feel embarrassed to write it down. Not much to say about it for now, just being accountable (also to myself). I just started writing in my private journal: my life story and my feelings about it. The main feeling with this (and what I have just been writing down) is that I have to accept myself as I am: my past, my sorrow, my mourning, my anger, my agression, my stupid choices, my good choices, my feelings of inferiority, my guilt, my egoism, my loneliness, my addiction, etc.
     
  13. realness

    realness Active Member

    Glad you wrote it down and shared Gil. There are new morning mercies every day. I hope you are enjoying those today and if not, they are waiting for you tomorrow.
     
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    1 day clean, hooray. Had a really good work-out this morning. Rest of the day so far busy and frustrating. Will do some breathing exercises later. Bit of inner-struggle going on. Part of me whining and wishing things would be better. The other part telling him to shut up, suck it up and be patient. Maybe that other part should be a little bit more kind . . . . I guess the breathing exercises will help...... sigh.
     
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  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    2 days clean, hooray! Feeling a lot better. Went for a long walk and the playground with the kids and afterwards I did a really good work-out. Really happy with the work-out scheme I have now. I feel so much stronger and in balance. Also my back-aches and knots in my muscles are almost gone. I can also see that I am more muscular already and 5 kg above my regular weight.

    Been writing some more yesterday. Going through my past and writing down the stuff that comes up in my mind. It is painful and embarrassing and that means that it is good and necessary. I am bringing up memories that I forgot about for a long time. I also had that last year during my 4 month streak. Back then I thought it was the absence of PMO that brought up the memories, but probably that also had to do with my explorations of the past. I am going to continue with this. I really want to bring all my emotions to the surface, make them see the light and give them a place. I need to find and know myself now.
     
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    3 days clean, hooray! I have started (again) the recoverynation workshop. It is well explained there why a long streak without real recovery mostly leads to falling back into old habits. My goal is to do two lessons a week.

    Had some urges yesterday and this morning. Difficult to deal with. Not because the urges were strong, but because my boundary to NOT act out is currently so low. A kind of 'why not' attitude. I am going to use the RN workshop to further strengthen and develop my internal motivation and to develop a recovery plan.
     
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  17. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Good call at having another go with the RN workshop. You've inspired me to try it again too. Some of the exercises can be tough going, but there are so many valuable insights written on those pages. The lesson on values is pure gold.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    4 days clean, hooray! Celebrated with 50 burpees. Awesome exercise.

    Right at pesson 1 I already stumbled upon a hurdle. At first the question to be 100% committed. The second question for complete honesty..... it is going to be tough. Last time I got quite far with the workshop but quit when I was recommended to open up about my addiction towards my partner. That feels like a no-go to me. Does this mean I am not 100% honest and committed? I don't know .. . .
     
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No, this means you are smart and caring. No partner wants to have themselves compared to porn stars. It diminishes them and they forever after will have that in their mind. Every time you have sex they will wonder what you're thinking. Loving a bottle is one thing, but loving watching people have sex is quite another. Also, why should our partner have to bear the load of our guilt, our shame? They shouldn't! We have to step up and claim our manhood. We live in a culture we people think we have to reveal everything about ourselves, every thought that passes through our mind. I've thought about punching my wife in the face before, but that doesn't mean I should tell the world about it. I'll bet she's though of ramming a knife through my chest. lol The journey, the healing, is personal. We don't understand who we are, so why should a partner, who also struggles with knowing themselves, have to try and understand us?
     
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  20. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Personally, I opted to confess to my partner that I have a problem with porn. I spared her the finer details of course. I felt I had to offer some kind of explanation as to why there's no sexual intimacy in our marriage. She was pretty understanding. But your situation is different. And as Saville points out, it's a personal journey, so only you know what's right for you. Just because you don't follow the workshop to the letter, it doesn't mean your efforts are insincere. Don't let this hold you back from completing the other lessons.
     
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