Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Gil79, NewStart19 and Pete McVries like this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It has been quite a while since my last post. I PMOed twice in between, but now another 10 days clean. I am doing well. The PMO sessions were short and didn't really affect me that much. Don't mean to say that that was OK, but in general I have really risen above the shame, guilt and regret and have not let down on my growth and goals. We're in another lockdown again here (as almost eveywhere) and that is another challenge to life/work balance. I am staying as active as possible: taking the kids outside twice a day, despite the wet, windy and cold weather. I am doing work-outs on a daily basis, running once a week and taking a 5 minute cold shower daily. All of this keeps me in real good spirits and it is essential that I continue doing so. Porn is hardly on my mind, but I am not satisfied with my current sexual situation. It is still difficult to find time for intimacy and sex with my wife. It is also a matter of being patient, but that is quite tough.

    Thanks @Professor Chaos! Does you wife ever ask you about an update on the porn front? I hope things are going well for you as a father. You had a difficult start I remember you wrote, with quite a while in the hospital, right? For me becoming a father has been a life-changing event. It is my most important and most satisfying task.

    Thanks @NewStart19! Wow, that is beautiful and I should and want to read it often. Is this from the book you recommended me before (the daily meditations one)?
     
  3. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    I love hearing from you @Gil79! Even when you don't have the best of news, but especially when you have nice updates like this last post. Seize the day!

    That's right. It's from this book right here. The daily format is great because it doesn't take much time to look at, but it gives you something to consider every day, and some of the topics can be applied to other aspects of your life and not just addictions. Occasionally, there are parts that don't really apply to me: for example, I am not religious, so the occasional references to a higher power don't mean much to me; there may be other examples in it that don't really work for you specifically, but the great thing is that there are 364 other pages that cover something different, so there's always something to look forward to and potentially learn from. It's part of my morning routine, so I give it a quick read before tackling the day, but if you had the time and are willing, there are questions at the bottom of each page that you can answer and use to help guide you to further reflect. I definitely recommend it.

    Happy Holidays. Enjoy the time with your family!
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2020
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hi Gil,

    I think we operate on a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. I tried being really open with her to begin with, but every relapse ripped her apart. For the health of our marriage it’s my cross to bear.

    being a dad is amazing. My little one is doing really well.
    Good luck with the Christmas period.

    PC
     
  5. ananoman

    ananoman Active Member

    dropping in for some encouragement. I too have noticed feeling tired post orgasm, in fact, since I began to really hone in on things in 2012 and stopped PMO, I can say for sure that if I have sex with my wife and orgasm more than once or twice a month, then I will feel fatigued/tired the day after. Sometimes it even lasts for several days.
     
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not that much to share I guess. I am doing quite well. Sleeping really good lately and working out regularly. I feel healthy. Family stuff (father, mother, sister) is difficult, but things are changing and that is good. I guess that my family has to accept this kind of change for what it is.

    I think I am in what you would call a midlife crisis. Not really a crisis that affects me in a negative way, but I am thinking a lot about how my life could/ would have been different if I had taken certain (different) choices at earlier age. Actually my wife and I have been discussing the idea to move to Southern Europe, closer to my wife's family. It is a big step. A huge step. But it would be a really good step for us as a family. My wife would be happier, we would have a stronger social 'safety net', we would live in a beautiful mountaineous and sunny region. I feel excitement and a big 'yes' when I think about it. On the other hand there are also thoughts of insecurity (can I find a nice job, can I live in that culture, how does this make my sister and nephews feel).

    And to stay 'on-topic': FPMO is really at low intensity, but not 'zero'. Feeling content with it for now, but still want to purge it from my system completely in the long run.

    Ah yeah, and ofcourse a happy new year to everyone on this board! Let's keep working on ourselves with a lot of self-love!
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2021
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's a huge decision, but sometimes I think we need to take the risk. I believe that we often stick to the old and secure when it would most likely feel better to leave that behind. For me, I haven't been able to make this decision yet. I hope I can, but as an addict there's a lot stopping me.
     
  8. Hi brother. First, keep up the momentum! Second, I too seem to have fallen into the "what if" trap. Actually, it's a game I've played in my head my entire adult life. For me recently since trying to give up PMO, it was my college girlfriend. Without going into all the details, since July I have been thinking about her a lot. Our relationship ended in 94 after 3 years and I have since been married for 23 years (so clearly very stale memories but they seem so fresh in my mind). I've analyzed it every which way to be point of it being unhealthy (e.g. what if I hadn't ended it, would I have been happier, etc.). Ultimately, I think it's my brain saying "you want this pain to stop, just PMO".

    Perhaps the following will help you and others:

    From my journal back in late July: I fully realize I had to go through everything I've gone through in life to get to where I am today. And I love who I am today. I also realize that humans (re: Daniel Kahneman) are excellent at thinking about what might have been from the positive outcome side but terrible when trying to imagine how/if things might have turned out worse.

    Then I found this just last week: Don't stay inside your head for too long. Don't dwell on any negative feeling for a prolonged period of time. Experience it, feel it fully, and then move on. Stay PRESENT focused whenever possible. Do not obsess over the past. - https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/35tc2z/9_for_90_9_rules_that_helped_me_reach_90_days/
     
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    This morning in the shower I was thinking/ realizing that my relationship with porn is actually not that bad at the moment. I mean, it is not problematic. It has been very problematic, but now I am at a point that if I wouldn't have had those problems before, I would probably be just OK with that behavior.

    On the other hand, I know that it is just useless and countereffective to have these kinds of thoughts. Porn usage always leads to more and/ or worse. Porn is not for me and I have to stay aware of that.

    I have to stay in my 'no porn' mindset and the only way to do that is to write a short post here every day in the form of ' daily health monitoring'. Will start in the next post.

    Thanks @Eternity and @chickendinner22!

    @Eternity: are you thinking of moving as well?

    @chickendinner22: I totally agree with you that everything in the past has made me how I am and that I had to go through all of that. I am content in that sense. It is just the 'wondering how things could have been' and I think it is maybe even something positive as I feel that it helps me to find out who I am and which choices to take right now (midlife). Adding to your way of seeing things I'd like to add this sentence that I read in 'psychocybernetics' to create a 'nostalgia for the future'
     
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  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Daily Health Monitoring

    Things that take my energy (low score is good)

    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 0/10
    Approval seeking: 4/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 6/10
    Non sexual fantasies: 3/10
    Phone use & TV: 2/10
    Tendency to hide: 2/10
    Anger: 6/10

    Things that yield energy (high score is good)
    Assertiveness: 6/10
    Time for self: 2/10
    Healthy food: 5/10
    Exercise: 7/10
    Intimacy wife: 3/10
    Interaction with men: 3/10
    Mindfulness: 6/10
    Reading/ music: 8/10
    Positive attitude towards others: 4/10

    Cold shower: no
    Breathing exercise: yes

    Grateful for: being a dad of 3 beautiful human beings

    What I need most right now: Stay calm and mindful. Take a step back and breath when any anger arises.
     
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  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    No, but I want a new job in what could possibly be a completely different field. It would also mean leaving safety and comfort for something unknown. It's probably good for me to challenge myself, but I'm afraid to. There are also certain cycling ideas that would be a massive risk.
     
  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Do it! I have lived and worked in a number of countries all over the world. Best thing I ever did. Yes there is fear moving to a new place, but it is also a time for extraordinarily growth and discovery.

    All adventures carry risk. The hero’s journey starts when he (or she) leaves the metaphorical village. When we return we bring with us new knowledge and new wisdom. Everyone benefits.

    Hope the new year is treating you well. Be careful of the message that P isn’t harmful. At some point you decided P was harmful to you. I use the analogy of alcohol. Some people can drink and it’s not an issue for them, and for some drinking is the most destruct thing they could do. I find myself in the former with regards to P. It’s about my relationship with it and how it harms me. When I start a ‘it’s not that bad’ or ‘it’s perfectly natural’ I know that’s a red flag. Hope that helps.

    PC.

     
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  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I had a bad day yesterday. Very tired and grumpy. Today way better . . . sometimes it is just like that . . .

    Yeah, I know what you mean. On the one hand we have to challenge ourselves, but on the other hand we must also know ourselves well and not overdo things. I hope you can figure out what works for you in this case. In my situation when I listen to my heart, I feel happy about the thought of moving, like a new beautiful adventure. I guess I should just not listen to my thoughts in this case. They can be all over the place . . . . . sigh.

    Thanks PC for the motivation, both for the moving abroad step and the porn recovery. Somehow this thing of moving feels as if it fits well. As finding a right piece of the puzzle. Interesting.

    Daily Health Monitoring

    Things that take my energy (low score is good)

    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 3/10
    Approval seeking: 3/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 7/10
    Non sexual fantasies: 3/10
    Phone use & TV: 4/10
    Tendency to hide: 2/10
    Anger: 6/10

    Things that yield energy (high score is good)
    Assertiveness: 7/10
    Time for self: 5/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Exercise: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 3/10
    Interaction with men: 3/10
    Mindfulness: 6/10
    Reading/ music: 4/10
    Positive attitude towards others: 5/10

    Cold shower: no
    Breathing exercise: no

    Grateful for: my good health and the knowledge to live healthy

    What I need most right now: Love myself
     
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Daily Health Monitoring

    Things that take my energy (low score is good)

    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 7/10
    Approval seeking: 1/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 4/10
    Non sexual fantasies: 3/10
    Phone use & TV: 6/10
    Tendency to hide: 2/10
    Anger: 7/10

    Things that yield energy (high score is good)
    Assertiveness: 7/10
    Time for self: 5/10
    Healthy food: 5/10
    Exercise: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 3/10
    Interaction with men: 3/10
    Mindfulness: 7/10
    Reading/ music: 4/10
    Positive attitude towards others: 5/10

    Cold shower: no
    Breathing exercise: no

    Grateful for: a beautiful sunny morning

    What I need most right now: avoid chatter in my head, stay mindful and breath
     
  15. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    I've noticed you've given Anger some semi-high values in your last few entries. Any idea what is behind that? Is it because of withdrawal-induced mood swings?
     
  16. Keep up the good works.
     
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    So, my DAILY health monitoring didn't work out. Last week I decided to spend some of my time on my 'art of living' breathing exercises. Really good decision. I am much more relaxed this week. It's a day/night difference. Last year they helped me to get a 4 month streak going. I just have to do them. It's a half hour each day, but totally worth it. Note to self: this has priority!

    Also reduced my coffee intake to only 2 small cups a day. Also great stress reduction and I feel 'hydrated'.

    Otherwise things are OK, but challenging. I feel bad for my kids that they can't go to school and daycare yet. I take them outside every day, but their world is also very small right now. I hope that things will get better soon on that front.

    Thanks @NewStart19 and @chickendinner22! My anger is mainly general stress I think and maybe some old emotions (family stuff) surfacing (but that surfacing also due to stress).
     
  18. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Hey Gil,

    Still fighting the fight, I see. At least I think in the meantime, after having been in this game for so long we know that it's an issue we have to live with, like with so many other things in life.
    Someone said a long time ago, addiction cannot be solved only managed, and I realize the truth of that more and more.

    One thing I realized lately - do you remember when you're really young you think that something's not "worth your money"? I mean, for instance, a video game or something like that. Instead of that what we actually should have been saying is "worth my time". as the time is obviously much more valuable than whatever little amount of money we put into it. At that time we usually just don't realize just how valuable that time is, we don't have the experience in order to value it enough.

    For the addiction, I believe it's the same game at a different level. Maybe someone would think "It's not worth my time". But actually what we're paying with when acting out, the price is not the time we put in, but our health.

    Since I experienced these health issues at some point, which fortunately after a long time I was able to solve to a large extent, I realize just how valuable health is. I think no one actually realizes this until they lose it.

    So every time I am about to act out, I just try to remind myself: The price you're paying is your health. Your brain health, your body's balance, all of it.

    The pull of the addiction can be very strong at times, so it's of course not a solution in itself either. But it's a newly acquired way of thinking about it, and one that might be helpful, so I thought I'd share it with you, let me know what you think.

    Hope you're doing ok, wishing you well.
     
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Just PMOed. Why? Don't know. How do I feel about it? Bit of regret. Otherwise OK. I haven't really acted out that much (once in the 2 weeks or so a quick PMO), but also not very motivated not to do so. Also this time it doesn't lead to a 'I want to stop doing this!' mentality. Don't know if that is good or bad.

    All in all I am really fine. Last 2 months have been tough with the lockdown, but now we have a bit of help with the kids, I am sleeping way better and my work-outs are really awesome lately. I am kind of living by the day and going with the flow. I think that when the kids will go to school again and I have some more time to think and reflect, I will be better able to think and plan further ahead.

    Good to hear from you @trapped7! That is an interesting point of view. We're indeed paying with our health. That is the other side of the stick we're picking up. Also we're paying with experiences, because when we PMO, and especially when we get into the PMO cycle, we're missing out on so many other things. it's a pity that you and I have been struggling with PMO for such a long time already and for now it might be a thing we have to accept and live with, but in the meantime we must not let our health and experiences been taken away by it and do anything we can to keep those important aspects of our lives optimal. But, eventhough we have to accept that we are struggling still at the moment, I am convinced that we are able to leave the addiction behind us. I am convinced that the addiction is important to us as if a message us of what is important in our unique lives. It might be a handle that gives us direction. I really see it like that. It is our unique mission to do something with it. Maybe even something we should value. Does that sound weird? I hope to hear more from you man. Via my journal or PM. Keep going my friend!
     
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Almost 1 day porn-free. If you can't enjoy the little things in life . . . . :)

    Just did an awesome work-out. I had a good scheme going for a while, but was suffering from injuries all the time. The problem is that I never really take enough time for a good warming-up and I build up too fast. Another problem is that my arms and back are suffering a lot already of picking up the kids so much. So, a while ago I ordered elastic bands and now I am training very specifically on certain muscles I usually don't train (normally crunches, pull-ups, push-ups, etc.), especially in my upper back, lower abdominals and upper legs. Feels really good and I am doing good warming-ups and yoga as cooling down. Have been doing yoga daily already for months now. Also found a good way to massage the knots in my back muscles by using a tennisball and rubbing it against the wall. It might sound really ridiculous, but it helps enormously. But the best would be to get massages from my wife, the same holds for more intimacy in general. Also the best remedy against porn addiction . . . . .
     

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