Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Daily Health Monitoring

    Things that take my energy (low score is good)

    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 7/10
    Approval seeking: 1/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 4/10
    Non sexual fantasies: 3/10
    Phone use & TV: 6/10
    Tendency to hide: 2/10
    Anger: 7/10

    Things that yield energy (high score is good)
    Assertiveness: 7/10
    Time for self: 5/10
    Healthy food: 5/10
    Exercise: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 3/10
    Interaction with men: 3/10
    Mindfulness: 7/10
    Reading/ music: 4/10
    Positive attitude towards others: 5/10

    Cold shower: no
    Breathing exercise: no

    Grateful for: a beautiful sunny morning

    What I need most right now: avoid chatter in my head, stay mindful and breath
     
  2. Keep up the good works.
     
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    So, my DAILY health monitoring didn't work out. Last week I decided to spend some of my time on my 'art of living' breathing exercises. Really good decision. I am much more relaxed this week. It's a day/night difference. Last year they helped me to get a 4 month streak going. I just have to do them. It's a half hour each day, but totally worth it. Note to self: this has priority!

    Also reduced my coffee intake to only 2 small cups a day. Also great stress reduction and I feel 'hydrated'.

    Otherwise things are OK, but challenging. I feel bad for my kids that they can't go to school and daycare yet. I take them outside every day, but their world is also very small right now. I hope that things will get better soon on that front.

    Thanks @NewStart19 and @chickendinner22! My anger is mainly general stress I think and maybe some old emotions (family stuff) surfacing (but that surfacing also due to stress).
     
  4. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Hey Gil,

    Still fighting the fight, I see. At least I think in the meantime, after having been in this game for so long we know that it's an issue we have to live with, like with so many other things in life.
    Someone said a long time ago, addiction cannot be solved only managed, and I realize the truth of that more and more.

    One thing I realized lately - do you remember when you're really young you think that something's not "worth your money"? I mean, for instance, a video game or something like that. Instead of that what we actually should have been saying is "worth my time". as the time is obviously much more valuable than whatever little amount of money we put into it. At that time we usually just don't realize just how valuable that time is, we don't have the experience in order to value it enough.

    For the addiction, I believe it's the same game at a different level. Maybe someone would think "It's not worth my time". But actually what we're paying with when acting out, the price is not the time we put in, but our health.

    Since I experienced these health issues at some point, which fortunately after a long time I was able to solve to a large extent, I realize just how valuable health is. I think no one actually realizes this until they lose it.

    So every time I am about to act out, I just try to remind myself: The price you're paying is your health. Your brain health, your body's balance, all of it.

    The pull of the addiction can be very strong at times, so it's of course not a solution in itself either. But it's a newly acquired way of thinking about it, and one that might be helpful, so I thought I'd share it with you, let me know what you think.

    Hope you're doing ok, wishing you well.
     
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Just PMOed. Why? Don't know. How do I feel about it? Bit of regret. Otherwise OK. I haven't really acted out that much (once in the 2 weeks or so a quick PMO), but also not very motivated not to do so. Also this time it doesn't lead to a 'I want to stop doing this!' mentality. Don't know if that is good or bad.

    All in all I am really fine. Last 2 months have been tough with the lockdown, but now we have a bit of help with the kids, I am sleeping way better and my work-outs are really awesome lately. I am kind of living by the day and going with the flow. I think that when the kids will go to school again and I have some more time to think and reflect, I will be better able to think and plan further ahead.

    Good to hear from you @trapped7! That is an interesting point of view. We're indeed paying with our health. That is the other side of the stick we're picking up. Also we're paying with experiences, because when we PMO, and especially when we get into the PMO cycle, we're missing out on so many other things. it's a pity that you and I have been struggling with PMO for such a long time already and for now it might be a thing we have to accept and live with, but in the meantime we must not let our health and experiences been taken away by it and do anything we can to keep those important aspects of our lives optimal. But, eventhough we have to accept that we are struggling still at the moment, I am convinced that we are able to leave the addiction behind us. I am convinced that the addiction is important to us as if a message us of what is important in our unique lives. It might be a handle that gives us direction. I really see it like that. It is our unique mission to do something with it. Maybe even something we should value. Does that sound weird? I hope to hear more from you man. Via my journal or PM. Keep going my friend!
     
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Almost 1 day porn-free. If you can't enjoy the little things in life . . . . :)

    Just did an awesome work-out. I had a good scheme going for a while, but was suffering from injuries all the time. The problem is that I never really take enough time for a good warming-up and I build up too fast. Another problem is that my arms and back are suffering a lot already of picking up the kids so much. So, a while ago I ordered elastic bands and now I am training very specifically on certain muscles I usually don't train (normally crunches, pull-ups, push-ups, etc.), especially in my upper back, lower abdominals and upper legs. Feels really good and I am doing good warming-ups and yoga as cooling down. Have been doing yoga daily already for months now. Also found a good way to massage the knots in my back muscles by using a tennisball and rubbing it against the wall. It might sound really ridiculous, but it helps enormously. But the best would be to get massages from my wife, the same holds for more intimacy in general. Also the best remedy against porn addiction . . . . .
     
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well done man ! Following in your trail lol.

    Way to go getting back into working out. It sounds great that you are paying attention to warm up smartly before and also to do yoga/stretching afterwards.

    I'm slowly getting into yoga a bit myself. Got a book on it and so far I'm practicing one yoga warm up routine.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    :D OK, going to check on you now. Maybe we can go through the 90-day mark together!

    I am doing the sun salute and a vertical twist (don't know its name) every day. It feels quite complete like this.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Just watched porn and edged to it. Was not even thinking about it, but when everybody left the house . . . . .opportunity. I realized how I would feel after and orgasm and then I stopped. Did some crunches and drank a lot of water. Urges are gone now. I will do some breathing exercises now. I should spend my valuable time alone in a more satisfying way than obsessing over pussy and tits.
     
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    As you may have noticed on my own journal lately, I can fully relate to wanting to do one thing and doing the exact opposite course of action.

    Well done on stopping the session though and taking steps to decrease the urge. When we're having trouble finding our footing I think it's wise to try to see the positive, little as it may seem, and build there. It's kind of what I'm trying to do right now as well, though it's challenging.

    I liked your idea of trying to reach 90 days together :)

    Keep going man !
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    After my previous post I did my breathing exercises and yoga. I felt awesome and victorious for turning things around. I went outside to pick up the kids. Happy. Last night I woke up and decided it was a good idea to take my phone, watch porn and finish what I started . . . .:(

    This morning I woke up with brainfog and regret. My first thought was 'this is going to be a really shitty day'. But I decided right there that it doesn't have to be like that. Went for a walk outside with my youngest son, had breakfast and just did a really nice workout with yoga. Feeling really good now. Grandparents took the kids for a walk, so now a bit of time to write here.

    @Thelongwayhome27 it can really be challenging to find, create and/ or expand the positive indeed, especially when we feel we're spiraling down, but as long as we keep putting effort, we're spiraling up again before we know it. We must keep turning things around and build momentum in the right direction. Although our addiction can be overwhelming and claiming, there is so much more going on in our lives. Porn is only part of it all. And hey, clearly I have reset my counter to be able to still reach the 90 day mark with you together ;).
     
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  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is so important! You did good!
     
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  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know that feeling. Sometimes despite our best efforts we do slip back in where from we want to get out. It's just the nature of this beast it seems. But if we don't beat ourselves up (hard not to), keep trying and building on the right attitude, we do get out at some point and start getting back to better quality of recovery (as we have done on many occasions). So the way you switched things around, in the morning, despite the lethargic brain fog shows where you want to go. And that's great. I think beating this thing is so much about finding the right attitude and then maintaining it.

    I'm with you on that path as well ! Day 2 here so we can keep building !

    Hooray (lol :cool:)

    Also it's still a positive that you did stop despite finishing the deed many hours later. You could have easily finished the deed the first time around and then had another PMO later on.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2021
    Gil79 likes this.
  14. RuinedMyLife

    RuinedMyLife New Member

    I woke up today excited to see my counter hit 1 to start my countdown. I'm ready and motivated to get this thing in the double digits. If I can do that, then heck yea, pat on my back. I've been PM for about 90 days before and that is my record. Now I'm ready to reach that goal and surpass it. I don't have anything to add here, I read all the posts and it's like reading my own issues and then the responses are there for me to follow for advice. This place will be great
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Lunch with 2 glasses of wine --> Everybody left the house --> working alone --> thoughts of opportunity to PMO --> increased heart rate --> some peeking --> closing website --> coming here --> leaving the house now . . . !
     
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Stay strong Gil !
     
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  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I managed to get out of the house, but later at night I did actively fantasize. I don't know where the urges come from lately. My stress levels are really reducing the last couple of weeks and I feel more human than I have felt in a long time. I am sleeping quite well, eating healthy, working-out. I think that I am actually just craving for real intimacy and sex, because it is so difficult to find the time and energy for that. Also last time my wife and I had sex, it was all just a bit uncomfortable. She was not really in to it, but still let me have it. That doesn't really work for me and makes maybe makes me hesitant to initiate again. It may be called a nice guy trait, but what it comes down to is that I find it difficult to accept and communicate that I have needs, especially sexually. Porn, fantasy and masturbation is than a way to easy safe haven to get my needs met. But ofcourse it is just settling for less and worse.
     
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  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I PMOed again last night. I feel embarrassed to write it down. Not much to say about it for now, just being accountable (also to myself). I just started writing in my private journal: my life story and my feelings about it. The main feeling with this (and what I have just been writing down) is that I have to accept myself as I am: my past, my sorrow, my mourning, my anger, my agression, my stupid choices, my good choices, my feelings of inferiority, my guilt, my egoism, my loneliness, my addiction, etc.
     
  19. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Glad you wrote it down and shared Gil. There are new morning mercies every day. I hope you are enjoying those today and if not, they are waiting for you tomorrow.
     
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    1 day clean, hooray. Had a really good work-out this morning. Rest of the day so far busy and frustrating. Will do some breathing exercises later. Bit of inner-struggle going on. Part of me whining and wishing things would be better. The other part telling him to shut up, suck it up and be patient. Maybe that other part should be a little bit more kind . . . . I guess the breathing exercises will help...... sigh.
     
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