Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Have always been dealing with anger. Strangely enough I only recognized/acknowledged this a few years back. Fapping was a way to deal with it. Depression was a result of it for a very long time. Still working on finding to deal with it, although doing way better. It inceases with the lack of sleep, but also with work stress and my general nice guy (not sufficiently assertive) behaviour. The current situation makes it worse, but is a blessing too. It is the perfect situation to learn. Last night I was really a zen master. Just 2 hours of broken sleep. The twins feeding every 2 hours still and the oldest awake for a large part of tje nigjt as well. The key is to have no expectations at all. As in life, I guess. This morning I told my wife we have 3 beautiful children. She agreed, but said that they don't sleep well. Yet, I said. She agreed. I kissed her and there was love and a feeling we're doing this together.
     
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  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    She was not even unreasonable. But you're right about that. I am learning to accept things from her and from myself. I have the feeling that my wife and I are growing together.

    :)Yes
     
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  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    The highest hill in the Netherlands is 300 meters high and on the other side of the country, so no climbs to get rid of anger. But enough wind here:D. Yesterday I did 3 cycles of push-ups. Felt great afterwards with my rubbery arms.
     
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I would rather climb a mountain pass than ride into the wind. I've done some cycle-touring and when the wind blows against your panniers it can be so frustrating. Now that makes me angry! lol
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Headwind can be a good substitute for climbs for training, but as @Saville says I'd also take climbs over wind. You always know when a climb is coming, but the wind can be very unpredictable and even dangerous. I've been moved a meter or more sideways, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Had there been heavy traffic, it could have ended really badly. Anyway, all kind of exercise helps as you've noticed, even though it makes you think "never again" quite often.
     
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  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    One week since last FMO. As a reward, life gave me sleep :rolleyes:. Yesterday at work I was worthless, a wreck. I cancelled a meeting and went home early to have a nap for one hour. Felt so good. Last night we only had to wake up once! 2 rounds of 3h sleep! The abundance! I feel great.
     
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  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Worked on a project at work today which I avoided working on for a long time. Long story short: it makes me feel bad about myself because I can't separate well who I am from what I do. When the result of my work are minor, I feel like I am a bad person who has done something really wrong.

    Decided to get the thing over with in the next few weeks/ months, despite feeling bad about it. I should be aware of these feelings. I would not be surprised if my stress comes from the same underlying issue. And yes, that is stress that I carry around and typically only slowly reduces in the weekend, to increase again on Mondays. And yes, it is a very important trigger to fantasize, watch porn and masturbate....:oops:
     
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  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Good call right there with the awareness. I'm trying to do the same thing with my sources of stress right now.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This seems like quite a weight on your shoulders, so it should be a good idea to get it done.
     
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  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Feel that the inner addict is starting to get uncomfortable. Slowly starting to get hungry again. Here and there some flash fantasies or urges to ogle. I am keeping him starved. It helps to imagine the 'building new pathways' analogy.

    Feeling good. Sleeping reasonable now. Notice that my self-image improves, as always after abstaining for a while. I see myself more handsome and manly.

    I was very nervous about this in the weeks before they were born. But you just turn into daddy-mode and it just comes naturally. Totally worth it:)

    Stress is so complicated. It feels like 'I should just breathe and take it easy', but there is so much emotion behind it. Actually still considering to try hypnosis for workstress.....
     
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  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Anything that helps us break out of fight or flight mode is good. I've been looking at how I react to things in my life and I see a lot of wariness in myself. It's good to be wary, but then we must let it go once we realize everything is good. For example: I was walking down the street yesterday and I notice a car speeding toward me. Naturally, I was wary, because her driving seemed to indicate she wasn't paying attention. But, once she was safely passed me I still felt keyed up. I couldn't let go of the feeling of "being on-guard." I found that interesting. I may need some outside help, myself, in order to overcome this, but for now I'm just trying to be aware of it.

    And, isn't it true that when we PMO we are always on-guard lest someone catch us? We use PMO to soothe, but then it also puts us in that state of fight or flight.
     
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  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    My inner addict was super hungry last week. I'm surprised I didn't act out on Friday. Now, I had a good and productive day yesterday (Saturday) and he's calmed down. It's hard to remember this but I think one of the best answers we can give him is to remember that it will pass. If we manage to stay busy and bypass those days when the inner addict is hungry he will calm down, even without the relapse he's asking for. It's also a very good sign that our recovery is going off path, like a warning sign. So there is something we are becoming complacent about when the inner addict gets super hungry.

    So basically when hit with a strong urges phase, a possible course of action would be a combo of sheer gritty resistance during the attack while understanding the underlying sources of the urges spike and effectively addressing those in order to correct the path. That way we can keep going forward without a relapse.

    I've tried hypnosis and guided meditation for social anxiety. It did help somewhat so I think it's worth a try for anyone. Meditating almost daily helps me a lot I think though. I still get stressed hard but I have the feeling things would be worst if I didn't meditate at all.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2019
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Day 10

    My wife and I dont have so many friends. Some really good ones, but all living far away. On Saturday we had a couple over to come see the babies. Was really nice. Will probably see them more often

    Yesterday I was playing outside with my 3yo son. Realizing that he is getting the age to play more with other kids. He goes to daycare, but we don't really have friends with kids of his age. I was thinking that I should get out of my comfortzone and try harder to make friends who have kids his age. Then this morning out of the blue I started chatting with a guy from daycare who has his daughter going there. It just came naturally. Had a great chat and for sure someone to become friends with. Can you believe it? Life is magic.

    Having a lot of good energy despite little sleep (although better), working again and lot of baby/kid handling. Wife and I are a great team. An oiled machine.

    Was walking through the halway at work today. I was going to say hi to someone else, but that person looked away. My initial thought and feeling was that I had done something wrong. This is so common in me. Low self esteem I guess. Deinitely causal factor of feeling stressed, uncomfortable at work and exhausted afterwards. Going to break myself free of that old shit. Awareness and overdose of self love is the key. No mercy!

    Thanks @Saville and @Thelongwayhome27

    Definitely. Maybe this is even contributing to the thrill. The other day I actually realized that my porn and fantasy taste is all about secrecy.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2019
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for reminding me. Today still flash fantasies. Very well able to correct myself, but they keep coming. Reminding what you said about willpower, I have been extra kind and easy on myself with otger things: coffee and snacks :D

    I meditated quite regularly for a while, but hard to find time lately. As tgey say: the less time you have, the more you need it. Short sessions are worth trying
     
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  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can relate to this for sure. I know how it can sting. Truth is, though, this probably happens to literally everyone. When we are vulnerable we take it more personal then necessary. When I'm feeling stable, if this happens, I can literally smile about it and shrug it off quick.

    And I totally agree with you on the self love (self compassion) part. It's so important to start there when it comes to self esteem (I think).
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Had a very sharp mind today and good interaction at work, which I'd like to think it is due to abstaining. In the end a bit agitated, but that could have been the coffee.....:confused:

    Thanks @Thelongwayhome27. In my case it also really depends on my mood, and I guess that it is in most of us as being a social animal. There are always these underlying feelings, but now somehow I was really aware of it. In general I feel that I am too much affected by the (possible) opinion of others. Getting better at it, but still a long way to go.....

    Well put @Living! Thanks.
     
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  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I have the same problem. Overly dependent on what other people think of me. It's deeply rooted. I like how you say that right now you seem to be more aware of your response. I also feel that when I'm actively trying to improve myself (such as staying off the P) I take a step back and, although the uncomfortable feelings are here, I am more of an observer of them. It's like being a bit more lucid rather then unconsciously going through these things. And with this awareness, maybe there is a better chance to work on things. It does seem to take time to address them so patience seems to be an essential element.
     
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  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @A New Man has written beautifully about this in his journal.
     
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  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Exhausted. Going to sleep. Hopefully for a couple of hours. Happy that I am not fapping. That would make me feel awful.

    Thanks a lot guys, will reply to your posts later.
     
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  20. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I empathize with this and feel it's tied to something else you mention, the fear of what other are (possibly) thinking about me. Basically it comes down to the ol' chestnut, "I'm not good enough." I've been trying to focus on some guided meditations of forgiveness and loving-kindness as a self prescribed experiment. I spend time blogging about mental health, giving advice that I'm really trying to give myself, but I keep finding that fear of not being enough influencing my actions. Yesterday, I tried again to look at the neural pathways in my head rationally. Hey, giving advice to myself and others means there's some neurons making some connections. They're the size of atoms, but it is happening. The pathway that tells me I'm not enough, is the size of a hockey puck in my head. So, there's more work to be done, but progress is evident when I write about observing myself, right?

    Life is stressful. Nobody is perfect. You are doing some great work, @Gilgamesh
     

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