Where you stumble, there lies your treasure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I am a father of 3 now :). The twins were born last week on Wednesday. Actually I had been watching porn in the evening, right before my wife called me because her water broke. That was a bit confronting. Didn't act out since then. No time, no need. Being busy and severe sleep deprivation feel like a good brain-rebalancing method....

    I feel tired, but good. Happy. I feel a lot of love. I want to be porn free.

    Thanks so much @Saville and @forlorn. Both so right.... healthy stress management is indeed the key. Being away from work no for parental leave shows me what a big trigger workstress is for me....... also noticed this last Christmas holidays......
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

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  3. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

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  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That is good news, I hope this gives you motivation to quit for good.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Congrats! And good luck to you and your family.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  6. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Congrats Gil! Hang in there mate. Sleep does exist! Other people are getting it right now, but you'll get some again, hopefully soon.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Day 11

    Had some erotic dreams last night. In one of them I went to a hooker. I was drinking beer with someone and all of a sudden I realized I was close to a red light area. I stopped listening to what the other was saying, felt like a warm blanket felt over me, excused myself and went roaming the red light area. Felt like a warm blanket fell over me. It was all very realistic and exactly how it could happen. In a similar way with porn. All of a sudden the realisation I can do it and how nice it would feel. A feeling of freedom, the absence of thoughts and worry, feeling in control, feeling accepted.

    How to stay ahead of such situations? Firstly to have my values very clear! My values should stop the initial thoughts within milliseconds. It should become part of my nature.

    I want to stop objectifying women. I have a daughter now.

    Thanks @Saville, @Libertad, @Eternity, @Luke and @A New Man!

    @A New Man, that is really hopeful! :D. Btw, I really liked your recent post about not objectifying women. You're definitely an example for me.

    A New Man and Saville like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yesterday I got an email from a student who wanted to do an internship with me. My first thought was whether she'd be hot. Today I was just thinking about our plans to move to another village. One of my first thoughts were about the potential hot neighbours. This is how my mind works at the moment and how the minds of many men work. It is funny and sad at the same time. I can not do anything about the thoughts coming up, but I have a say in what I want to do with those thoughts. I should ignore them. It is very tempting to start fantasizing, but it is not correct and leads to nowhere but increasing acting out activities (fantasy/ masturbation/ porn/ etc.).
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    :D:rolleyes: How do you think I met my present gf?! That is totally normal dude. An Email was sent out to all the musicians in my workplace about whether we wanted to help a female student who was doing her thesis on music and dance and who wanted to interview some musicians. I instantly replied! I would have been less inclined to offer my assistance had it been an enquiry from a male student. Penis does the thinking, but sometimes penis creates positive opportunities, and it is also a question of priorities at the time. I feel in a stronger place and would happily accept to help all students now but at the time I just wanted to meet a girl!
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Day 12

    still sleeping only few hours a night, but somehow my body seems to adapt. Feel calm, enjoy the new situation and have enough energy to do things fully.

    I feel good about myself about the 12 days 'no arousal'. A bit afraid of the urges that might come, but I am at a good place and been there before.

    Thanks @TheScriabin, I guess You're right. It is normal that the penis does the thinking. At least the initial thoughts. However, regarding my age compared to the students' and the fact that I am married, and the fact that I am a 'sexual arousal' addict, makes it all better to change this natural response to one that better fits my values.
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  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree. While it's normal for men to notice women, for people like us we must endeavor to switch the narrative. Seeing women as people can only serve to enlighten us further.

    Sometimes we don't need much sleep. Sounds like you're on a good path!
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Hi Gilgamesh, I just wanted to drop by and just leave a genuine thank you. I didn't know you had a 'new' journal in the 40s section. You are a good person and commented on my journal back when I had gone through a really tough time. I didn't forget that. Wishing you all the best! :) Oh and congrats on the twins, you must be so happy!
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2019
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  13. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    @Gilgamesh Keep going mate. Congratulations, enjoy the new little ones but don't forget to take care of yourself as well.
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  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    2 weeks clean.... well, semi-clean actially. Last night I had some sexual fantasies. I could have chosen not to do so, but I did.

    Have to pull the handbrake now. Can't go that path.

    @Saville: nicely put 'seeing women as people' instead of objects. I should have a big red button which sets off alarm bells. Every time I objectify I should smash it really hard, instead of secretly retreat in my fantasy world.

    @Pete McVries: good to hear from you! And thanks for the feedback. Clearly, with similar issues, it was very helpful for me too to discuss these matters. Thank you for sharing.

    Thanks @Lowdo, and I will remember to take care of myself.
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  15. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    That is so true. It's that first few seconds of decision time that can make all the difference
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  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This is what it all comes down to; there's always a choice. I know that it's not always as simple as an on/off switch, but I think that you have the determination to make the right choice.
    Libertad likes this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sitting here with my laptop open. Alone. Very strong urges to act out. I would love to just type those words in the browser, bring my hand down into my pants, and sedate myself with those nice brain chemicals. Not doing so feels like a very cold reality. A reality in which I am sleep deprived and full of anger towards my dad. I know I won't act out now, because I KNOW FOR SURE that I need to take any rest that I can take and that this issue does not exist anymore in the morning. If I do act out, this issue will still exist in the morning.

    Feel like I need to order my thoughts on the shit with my dad. I am so angry with him. Something snapped a few months back. All of a sudden I saw the truth that I have nothing to gain from my relationship with him and that I am not true to myself for continuing the way we used to go the last couple of years. He's 120 kg of victim. Unable to take responsibility for himself. Now with the twins being born he wants to see them. I don't want him here. I feel guilty about it. My sister sais that it would be so great if he could see them. I don't know what to do. Maybe I am overreacting and being selfish. Maybe I should call him, but I don't want to call him. I just want him gone.
  18. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey @Gilgamesh - just thought I'd post since I'm online too. I know that feeling of basically wanting to give in. If you're still online I'd suggest shutting the laptop and finding anything you can to distract yourself. P seems to offer such a powerful lure and yet it never delivers - just leaves us feeling empty and shameful.

    I don't know what to add about your Dad - I haven't read the full back story. Sometimes boundaries are right - sometimes we need to protect ourselves and our families. But whether you reconcile or not, you need to takes steps to reduce the stress on yourself. Take care, hope you get some rest.
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  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There's nothing wrong with saying you and your wife are having a baby-moon, that you are taking a couple of weeks to just spend time together and with the babies. These two weeks will give you space to think if you want your dad around at all. :)
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  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Managed to close down the laptop and go to bed. Gave in to some fantasies though later. I thank my yesterday self for thinking of today self :). Today no large urges. Still feel a lot of anger towards my dad. Not sure why it all comes out now, but I thjnk it has to do with the fact that I now have the age that he had when he started to be absent, unavailable and alcoholic.

    @Lowdo, thanks for your support. I do have to find a way to reduce stress. I can get so easily agitated. Actually, it is mire that I keep gradually building up stress during the day/days until I reach an unbearable amount of it. Need to blow of steam more regularly.

    @Saville, thanks. This is what I told my sister as well, that for now I keep him away until thkngs aee stable again. For now I wilk try to let future Gil deal with it.
    Lowdo likes this.

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