Where to start

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Martin43, Aug 28, 2019.

  1. Martin43

    Martin43 New Member

    Firstly, i would like to say how glad i am to find this forum, and how relieved (if thats the right word) i am to find others going through the same as myself. I have been in a relationship with the love of my life for almost 12 years, over the last 12 months or so, the sexual side of things have been rather strained, things all came to a head last week, when my partner asked me outright "why dont you get excited when i touch you", it was the worst question i had ever been asked, and i knew the answer immediately, it wasnt that i dont find her attractive, or because she doesnt excite me, its because i use porn and masturbation far more than i would dare to admit. In my life i have overcome addictions to drugs and alcohol, but the support for those was widespread and readily available, i have taken the first step with overcoming any addiction, which is to admit there is a problem, but have no idea where to go next, the one thing i know is, i must do all i can to save my relationship. How do i get back to being intimate with my partner? I have made the decision that porn and masturbation are out of my life completely, but what other steps can i take? Do i abstain completely? Is it ok for my partner to pleasure me, and me her? I have read some of the stories on the forum but feel that, getting my story out there and in writing will not only get me the help i need, but would also be one more step to recovery.
  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hello Martin43,
    Welcome to the board, the nearest thing that I feel we have to an introduction is "my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post" by a long timer called The Underdog. Do not try to tackle it all in one go. Have a session on it then browse some other threads posting when you feel driven and post to your own keeping us updated with your progress before tackling some more of The Underdog's wisdom. We are here to help each other grow and you will get the gospel without the sweetener, I have felt sore when this has happened to me, the truth needs to be told.
    Personally I would encourage you to endeavour to get a decent clean spell under your belt. Some men are content to let their partners initiate sex but do not initiate themselves during this reboot time. This is your new operating system not an identikit new life so work it because your are worth it.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
    Boxer17 likes this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome and thanks for sharing.

    That must have been confronting when your partner asked that. You made the right decision to come here and quit.

    I think you'll have to find what works for you. Some guys go for a long period of abstinence to reboot, but if you can replace PM with healthy intercourse with your partner right away I would definitely try that first.

    It may get tough, but don't give up. Stick to the board and share your difficulties. That really helps. Good luck!
  4. Martin43

    Martin43 New Member

    Thought i would give a quick update, its almost a week since i last viewed, and i must say its been easier than i could have hoped, thanks in part to all the help and advice i have found on this forum. However, the relationship side of things have not been so smooth, and intimacy is non existent, i have been finding the urge to pleasure myself almost unbarable, i know i must resist because i know if i start with that then porn will return. I am wondering though, is it porn i am hooked on or masturbating? This is by far the hardest "habit" to break, when i gave up drugs i cut contact with the people in my life associated with them, with alcohol i forced myself to not buy any, even to the poi t of not going anywhere near the alcohol section of shops. But with porn and more so masturbation, its right there to hand (no pun intended). Im sure with time it will get better, and i am starting to realise whatever relationship issues arise, i need to quit, for myself. Im thankfull to know im not the only one going through it, and although its tough, people can and do beat the demons and regain the life they deserve.
  5. Martin43

    Martin43 New Member

    Well, after all the hours of reading, in all honesty, its all i have done apart form argue and cry, I have realised that whilst i can fix me, i believe i have irreparably damage my relationship with my soul mate. I cannot go on without her, whats the point, with her not in my life, its pointless. I will say thank you to all the advice and inspiration on this forum, unfortunately it wasnt able to save the pain and heartache that i see being my future. This will most likely be my last update, as any issues i now have cannot be fixed here.
  6. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Has your partner said goodbye?
  7. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Stay dont leave ! If you leave where do you go ? The "addict" is smiling he's about to win ! Fuck him ! Right ?
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Stay for support, advice and a listening ear (reading eye) from fellows with similar issues....
    Boxer17 likes this.
  9. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    If you have lost your lover my heart breaks for you ,sir. If you are wanting to overcome this then do it for yourself if nothing else. Then you will be more whole for what life has going forward.
    Mad Dog likes this.
  10. Alexei

    Alexei New Member

    Breaking free from this addiction is the most important step to save all of your relationships ... I dare to say that's almost impossible to have a healthy relationship while being an addicted.

    I'm just learning english, so i don't have many words, but i want you to know that's someone in the other side of the world supporting you.
    Boxer17 likes this.

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