Where It Starts

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by JD1981, Jul 17, 2019.

  1. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Great work pulling back. I also find it inspiring to think that we are undoing a lot of damage and it will take time.
     
  2. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    25 days porn free! Feels really good. 25 days ago I wouldn’t have thought it possible. Thanks so much. I’m at work today and I’m working with guys I don’t normally work with at a different station so there was a bit of awkwardness just trying to fit into their routine. Once upon a time The awkwardness would have been enough to send me over the edge. Not today!!!! I’m excited to add another day. Peace
     
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  3. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Starting day 26... Today my wife told me that she started her cycle and I know this is weird to talk about but tell me what you think. I’ve noticed in the past that when she starts I would ramp up my porn viewing. This doesn’t mean Im going to end my 26 day streak and go indulge but I most definitely feel a change in my mood maybe I can somehow sense it and it changes my chemistry. I don’t know? I think it happens to animals right? Like when a female dog is in heat make dogs smell it and go f-big nuts trying to get a piece of that action and deer go through a rut when female deer are cycling and disregard everything to try to get some action. I guess we are animals, right? Some of us are better at controlling these hormonal changes than others. I’m by no means trying to blame my addiction on my wife, ultimately I am responsible for my actions. Just a thought. Anyway here’s to another day I’m glad I’m part of this community, thanks.
     
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Maybe it's just plain Pavlov's dog conditioning. In the past you acted out when she started her cycle, so you feel triggered now. Good news is that you're aware of it. That's the first and maybe most important step to not act out this time.

    Well done on being porn free for 25+ days!
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  5. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Day 27... Getting cravings out of the gate. My wife and kids just left home for their first day of school. I’m excited for them but nervous as hell for me. For the last few years my modus operandi is to help them get ready for school and walk them out. When they leave I walk back in and open the computer and begin scrolling through porn. It was so automatic, like a robot. So today I walked them out and walked back in and logged on to the forum. It’s amazing that the whole summer I didn’t do this because they were home and we were together. So for 60 plus days I didn’t do that but here it is day one back and the urge to want to jump back into old habits is so strong. I have been pumping myself up this last week saying that when they go back to work and school I would really be able to get chores and home maintenance completed but now I’m going crazy. I’ve heard people say that that a plan is good until you get hit in the mouth. Well I’m most certainly being hit in the mouth right now. I hope I don’t annoy anyone but I will probably be checking a lot today. It’s time to step in the ring and fight back. Gloves off here we go thanks for the support and I hope everyone wins their fight today. Ding ding!!!!
     
  6. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I think the 'being hit in the mouth'-part is mainly the result of false expectations. There seems to be the idea that the longer you stay away from porn the better you get at dealing with porn. That might be the case if day in, day out your circumstances are exactly the same, but that's not what life is, isn't it? Things constantly change and so do the cues for watching porn. We all have our cues for watching porn. Being home alone is one of the main cues for a whole lot of us (others include being hungover and being stressed). I have the same thing. When I'm working: I'm fine. When I'm at home with my girlfriend: I'm fine. When I'm out with friends: I'm fine. When I'm running in the park: I'm fine. When I'm home alone: yeah, that when things get tricky. Just because you're able to stay away from porn when your home is full of people, doesn't mean it's just as easy when you're all alone. But doesn't that make sense?

    When people say something like 'After 90 days you will be healed', I don't think they are being realistic or honest. By that I don't mean to say that you can't make a huge difference in such an amount of time, because you can. However, there will be moments when for whatever reason you will be a lot more prone to PMO than you were the day before. That's not because you didn't make progress, but because you stumbled on a aspect of your reboot where you haven't had enough possibilities to make as much progress. That's frustrating, but you if you are aware of this you might also see it as a healthy challenge. I have made great progress since my last slip months ago, but these days I kind of welcome the days like you are going through right now. That's when I can make further progress. To me, the real battle is on the days when I am challenged, not on the days when I am simply enjoying my life and I don't have any need to fight. It's one of the main reasons why a counter doesn't really say that much to me.

    Be aware of what your biggest cues are, keep your guard up when you notice them and you're less likely to be hit in the mouth like that;)
     
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  7. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Yeah I thought that after 26 days porn free it ought to be a lot easier. Holy cow the day counter gives a false sense of security. This is insane, it feels like my first week all over again. I’m definitely outside of my comfort zone.


    As hard as this is I will make it through the day and I hope by doing I will make gains. I don’t see how I couldn’t. You’re right this is a real battle. I feel like I’m in the trenches. I know I’m not alone keep pushing!!
     
  8. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Made it through day 27... That was a tough one. It felt so good when I picked up my kids, they kept my mind occupied with how their day went and making them snacks. It became way easier once this brain of mine could focus on something else. It’s crazy that the thing that helped me, used to be a trigger for me. Looking back at those rough seven hours I did manage to complete a ton around the house. I finally have something to show for my day and it felt good to show my wife when she got home. Today will be a bit easier I’m at work but, I’ll have another one of these days tomorrow and can’t wait to see if it will be any easier. It’s nuts to think that I’m managing my day to day picking the kids up from school, bringing the kids to their extra curricular stuff, hanging out with my wife and fighting an inner battle all at the same time. When I pass people in the store or talk to acquaintances I wonder what kind of secret battle are they fighting if any. Thinking this makes me a little more patient with people. I don’t want to be the reason they relapse. Anyway I’m going on a rabbit trail. Here’s to another day of fighting our demons, we can’t let them win. Get after it.
     
  9. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Starting day 29... My wife and kids will be at work and school today leaving me alone at home. Just me and my crazy f-ing brain. I wish it were as easy as just plugging my brain into a machine and hitting a few buttons to erase that porn addition program. I plan on staying busy again in my yard, I pulled so many weeds the last time I was alone. It really is looking good and it feels good to show my wife at the end of the day. It is like a kid showing their parents what they did in school. Although it sucks trying to pass those moments when the cravings hit, I try to remember how nice it’s been to be able to have a conversation with people when I’m out and about and feel confident doing so, this includes women. How nice it’s been to interact with my family without getting angry for no reason. Can’t wait for the day when I can look back and say WTF I’m glad I beat that! For now it’s time to put my head down and fight. Cheers fellas, here’s to another day!
     
  10. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    While it's true we must be much more vigilant in the first few months, trust the roller-coaster of emotions eventually smooths out... Just no porn today. Hey, that's no big deal, is it?... Eventually you'll look back at 6 months, then a year, and wonder where that time went... Seemed so fast... Yep. Those 'day-at-a-times' add up fast. It just doesn't seem like it at first... You're already at a month! congrats
     
    JD1981 likes this.
  11. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Thanks dude I really appreciate it. Haha yeah no big deal. It is funny I think of the first week and think about how hard it was but, it’s in the past, todays battle is harder only because it’s present. It’s happening now and I’m in the moment. I just heard a country song I like but I sang along reading the lyrics on my phone pretty deep song. Dirks Bentley burning man, I can totally relate to it and if I’m reading these lyrics I’m not on porn so that’s good too. Thanks again!
     
  12. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Starting day 30... Day by day I’m making it, the cravings are still the same but I feel like I’m able to push through a little easier. Yesterday I found some really cool black nursery pots I’ve been needing for some trees I’m wanting to transplant. Yep, I was driving by a dumpster and there they were smiling at me. After I rescued them from the trash I got to thinking that if I would have been at home behind my computer on a binge I never would have found those and I would have never finished that project. How many opportunities have I missed sitting behind that computer??? It hurts to think about it so I’ll stop looking back but, no more missed opportunities! Life is happening out there and I want to be a part of it. It will give me depth and make me a better conversationalist. I can’t imagine anyone being interested in black nursery pots but it beats answering “nothing” when asked what I did this week. So here’s to keeping myself open for future opportunities. Not sure if anyone heard my battle but I just did one! Good day to everyone and keep moving forward!
     
  13. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    Wow JD 30 days, that's fantastic. You seem like a really upbeat guy to me. The next time you have a difficult encounter, be it from urges, mood or whatever, please remember this comment. I'll try to do the same with the goodwill you sent me in my topic the next time I am feeling down in the dumps from this addiction.

    Take care
     
  14. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Waking up ready to face day 31... @NewStart19 thank you for the compliment. I do consider myself upbeat for the most part but just like everyone I can get down in the dumps too. Especially when I was viewing porn. I would get to feeling like everyone was against me and no matter what I did to fix things or make life better life would just snatch the rug out from under me. I know now though that, that way of thinking is just BS. No one is going to give a good life to me. I’m not a king, I have no birthright. If I want a piece of the good life I need to put in the work and go after it. So now that’s what I’m doing I’m trying to repair what a 15 year porn addiction has created. Outside looking in my house doesn’t look terrible we keep it clean but as far as maintenance it took a back seat to the addiction. I was thinking yesterday that the whole time I was viewing porn, it was my priority, and anything that pulled me away from it was secondary, keeping me from clicking clicking away at porn. So of course there were things that pulled me away like family functions, car breaking down, kids’ sports, etc.... So when I was pulled away I would just half ass everything and try like hell to get back to porn. Which leads me to now trying to repair everything cars, yard, relationships, the list goes on and on. It’s nice to work on these things and know that I can take my time and be patient repairing them so that it’s done right. I can already start to see some positive change and like my addiction it will start to snow ball. So with that it’s time to go to work repairing life. Heres to another day! Get after it!
     
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  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Congrats on getting to 30! That is a huge achievement. I think you are right about entitlement. With porn it is easy to think that we deserve it. But at no other point in history could you scroll through thousands of women in a few minutes. In order to get a woman you would have to work hard. Now it takes zero work. (Although you don't actually get a woman but just a fantasy.) I think it really makes this sense of entitlement larger.
     
    JD1981 likes this.
  16. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    Yea, keep at it JD. I really want to see you repair and build upon all those things you mentioned, especially your relationship with your wife and kids. I'm not saying this in an envious manner, but I think it's great you have a family of your own. I wish I had one.

    Take care
     
  17. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Starting day 32- I broke my toe two nights ago in jiu jitsu so I wasn’t as mobile yesterday and found myself sitting on the couch a lot. Recipe for disaster: not staying busy; sitting on the couch; and my thoughts. I had a few cravings but was able to get through. Breaking my toe has me a little nervous: my foot is swollen, and it’s hard to walk so I’m not sure I’ll be able to make jiu jitsu next week. I have made a lot of gains and I hope to continue that momentum I fear that not going next week will result in losing my powers. It feels good to write this out because I can see how ridiculous it sounds, not to mention it is still a week away. I do this a lot I worry over things that are so far in the future and that I have no control over. Anyway I’ll keep nursing it. I was thinking too if it still hurts I could go and work from my back. This is a part of my game that is week and there will be little to no pressure on my toe? I hope. Most important thing though is to not get into my own head and get depressed about the situation. Getting depressed is a dark and ugly road I don’t wish to travel. I prefer the more scenic route staying positive. Have a great week end everyone and stay strong!
     
  18. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I was doing a lot of weightlifting in the past year but in March I herniated a disk and have been out since then. It makes me very frustrated because I gained so much before that. Now I am back almost to zero and it’s not clear when I can start again.
     
    JD1981 likes this.
  19. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    JD1981

    Keep exuding that positivity! I need to learn from your example.
     
    JD1981 likes this.
  20. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Starting day 34... Had a good weekend with my family, a little crazy but I made it through. Saturday night we went to a birthday dinner and I drank too much and got a little obnoxious so my wife says. I totally believe her this isn’t the first time this has happened. She had to fill in all the details of the night for me. Lots of shots!!!! No good. I don’t turn into an asshole I’m just loud and repeat a lot of stuff. She said that I was giving my 21 year old nephew terrible life advice. I think I was trying to feel young again, trying to be cool and accepted by a younger person. Oh and my wife wasn’t there for the first two hours, she took my daughter to a dance try out. So maybe her not being there tripped me up. My wife said my nephew ate it up so, mission accomplished but, now that I have a clear head I don’t agree with anything I said. WTF!!! I tried to call him yesterday but he didn’t text back and his voice mailbox is full. When I get ahold of him I plan on apologizing and telling him not to listen to any of my advice. I hate this next day feeling. I’ve said this numerous times in the past but I think I’m going to not drink as much next time. It seems to always put me in a bad spot. Even though this happened I still spent a lot of quality time with my family. So that salvaged the weekend.

    Thx @Merton for turning me on to the underdog thread. Very long thread but it is an awesome read. Not done yet but should finish it today. So far I really relate to the emotions part. I viewed porn to hide from uncomfortable situations or to find comfort when I get down. I totally need to find a different way to deal with those moments. When they arise now I just grit my teeth and hope they pass quickly hoping the more it happens it will get easier. I’m about half way through the thread and I’m at work today so I should be able to finish it. I hope everyone has a great week. Thank you.
     
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