Where It Starts

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by JD1981, Jul 17, 2019.

  1. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Day 17.... Great day at work. Only had a one awkward moment but I don’t think this is going to mess with me too much. My department is making a calendar and the photographer came by to get a shot of my buddy on the fire truck. After he took the shot he stuck around to chat telling us about different girls he photoed and how hot they were. Then he said he photoed a playboy model before she was with playboy and I didn’t recognize the name sooooo he immediately pulled up a pic on his phone to show me. So I did see porn but I’m not really counting it he did it on his phone and forced it on me. I thought it a little weird that he showed me this but I’m good guys I didn’t get any cravings after seeing it. It’s funny that a guy I don’t know would tell me all these things about girls he took pics of and how hot they are. Maybe it’s just when guys are among guys we try to validate ourselves to fit in and be one of the guys instead of being ourselves. I’m totally guilty of this. Depending on who I am hanging with is what personality your getting. Like a chameleon I change to my surroundings. It would be a hell of a lot easier if I was just myself and I feel I’m slowly finding out who that is. The crazy thing is I’m trying to figure out who that is. Being in an addiction I’ve lost my sense of self. It’s like meeting a new person. Here’s to another guys keep moving forward.
     
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  2. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Hey JD I just got around to reading some of your journal. Thanks by the way for posting on mine. I am very inspired by your story and relate a lot to it. First of all, I have exactly the same feelings when I piss the day away looking at porn. Since I started to have problems with porn at work, when I am relapsing, I often do absolutely nothing for the whole day. I leave work feeling awful and tired. Second, hearing that you just found this forum from searching on reddit makes me extremely happy. I don't remember quite how I started on this journey. I think I was watching porn for like 15-20 years every day. Eventually since I had PIED I decided I would try to take a break. I made it about 100 days and started to get the idea that I don't want to masturbate or watch porn ever again --- I want a real sexual relationship with my wife. After this I relapsed quite badly and searched around for tools. I had done this in the past (many years ago, I remember around 2003) and there was nothing. But somehow I found the Gary Wilson TED talk and the nofap forums. I got a lot of support from other people and ended up being able to go for over a year without porn and masturbation. That was a few years ago and after many relapses I transitioned to these forums (which I like much more), and these days typically go about 3-6 weeks before relapsing. Anyway one of the things I wanted to say is that reading your post brought me back to my initial searching days and made me very inspired. Another thing I wanted to mention is that over time I have slowly incorporated more and more tools to try to fight the addiction. Although I have been doing worse in terms of streaks lately, I still think that these tools have made my program better (progress is not always measured strictly in terms of the day count). Other people have mentioned some tools, but I'll list some here (maybe many of them have already been mentioned): mark queppet (universal man) videos on youtube, porn free radio podcast, noah church videos on youtube. These things are usually the most inspiring for me. I would highly recommend to binge listen to the porn free radio podcast. It is incredibly helpful in terms of techniques and also deeper understanding of emotions under the problem. Also there are a couple of great threads on this site, notably the big thread by underdog (look in the porn addiction category and sort by number of views). Last, I have recently started going to an SAA group and I have had mixed feelings about it. However, although I am not completely on board with the philosophy, there is a lot of personal connection (you actually see people face-to-face and talk about the addiction), and I think this is extremely positive. Overall my feeling is that porn addiction comes out of isolation and that the main thing to do to combat it is to come out of yourself and connect to others. This is why Matt of porn free radio (and I guess I) highly recommend any kind of group.

    Sorry for all the free association above! I just started writing and got carried away. I do not mean any of this in a preaching way, but mainly to organize my thoughts (to help myself) and to encourage you for making a great decision to get help and connect with others. I hope to see you around here for a long time.
     
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  3. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Starting day 19!!!! I had a great Friday Saturday. We just purchased a new camper and took it ten minutes down the road to a campground for a dry run. I thought it was a silly idea but I had such a good time and there was so much we didn’t have and we made several trips back to the house for things we didn’t think about. One thing I didn’t forget was plenty off beer. The first night I wasn’t in the mood to drink but the second evening we had my wife’s parents over for dinner and I drank a good bit. Then we went down to the camp ground pool and had a good time swimming. To my surprise there were two good looking moms sunning on the pool deck. My father in law was quick to point them out. It’s funny because he thought he was whispering but he was so loud. Waking up this morning I feel a little foggy and I’m having cravings for porn. I’m seeing a correlation here. Drinking alcohol is a total wrecking ball. Although in the moment it makes me feel good after I’m done it brings me down. I had this same feeling after the cruise. Hot women in bikinis and alcohol equals weakened will power. It’s kind of embarrassing that I’m 38 and I’m just figuring this out. Next time I’m being social and there is a chance of seeing other hot women I won’t drink and put it to the test. Any way I’m happy to say that although I’m having cravings, I’m still loving the effects of not having viewed porn for 18 days. I am really bonding with my family and I feel like they want to be around me and I want to be around them. My confidence is getting stronger and it’s these feelings that will keep me moving towards more days without porn. Best wishes to everyone thanks for the support.
     
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  4. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    This struck me as really funny!, "Psst, [booming voice] check out those ladies!"

    The one (in real life) friend that I have spoken to about porn noticed something similar about alcohol. He said that after he has a few drinks his attitude towards porn use changes to basically, "F it, might as well use".

    Regarding seeing attractive women in real life I will sometimes get this "missing out" feeling. When I'm using porn I get used to seeing any woman I want naked and "being sexual" with them or at least "observing their sexuality". Once I'm away from porn for a while, I think women in general seem to look better and I sometimes regret that I did not have more sexual partners before marriage. I'm curious about your alcohol connection theory. Perhaps this "missing out" feeling is heighten after drinking.
    Thanks for sharing. Your enthusiasm and positivity is motivating.
     
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  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    JD1981, I read your journal to this point. It's very thought-out with all the observations you are having about how no-porn is helping your life. I value that, thank you! Also, your serious effort in refraining from porn is helping give me the motivation to do the same. I'm glad I found your journal.

    Are you going to tell your wife about quitting internet porn? I have no idea how that will work, I'm just asking hypothetically. Do you want filtering on your devices, or to sort out your motivations, or your emotions? You're going to disconnect from porn forever, if that is your plan, have you negotiated that with yourself? I'm listing all these things because it looks like they're what I need, and I think you might need them soon. Or you might not. You might be completely different from me.
     
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  6. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Starting day 20!!! A small milestone, another ten days. I just read quitprofoo’s post in this thread and to answer your question, am I going to tell my wife about internet porn. Before finding this forum I thought so hard about this knowing that if I just told someone it would make this process a little easier. But about ten or so years ago I realized I had an addiction and told my wife about it and she was crushed and took it very personal. She thought that because I look at porn I don’t love her, she thought she is not as pretty as the girls on the internet and she thought I’d be happier without her. I explained to her that this is where I go when life gets stressful and that although I viewed porn I most certainly loved her and didn’t want to leave. So I asked her to help me quit and she was the worst accountability partner. Neither of us knew anything about addiction and didn’t do any research about the subject. Every time I would relapse we would have an argument and the arguments would stress me out and I would seek comfort in porn. I feel like relapses are a part of the process. Although it’s sucks to relapse you learn something about yourself and you become that much stronger for the next try. So anyway, I decided to start lying to her and I became really good about erasing history or searching in private mode. She thought I beat it and things got gradually better between her and I but I continued down the same path. So I think if I told her about me trying quit now it would only make things worse. So knowing that it is a good idea to tell someone I thought hard about who and during that time I found this forum. Although I don’t know any of you personally I find it comforting knowing that you guys understand what I’m dealing with and avenues that I could go for help. It feels really good to get this out and I feel like I am accountable to this community. I’m very thankful for having found this forum and an outlet for my feelings. As far as disconnecting from porn forever I’m not sure but I know that I am addicted to it and it’s messing things up for me so for now yes I’m quitting forever I can’t afford to manage my use I’m too weak and I’ll let it consume me. I envy people who can have a casual cigarette or drink one drink or watch just a little porn. I have to smoke the whole pack, drink every beer or watch porn all day everyday. Anyway here’s to another good day and wish everyone well in their journey.
     
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  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    This is something I have been 'struggling' with too. I have always found honesty in a relationship very important and besides that I could really use the support of my girlfriend. However, I did not take into account that I'm not the only imperfect person in our relationship. Besides, our relationship itself is not perfect either. My girlfriend had her own problems and while she did try to support me I know she found it rather tough. At first I found that really hard too and it actually made me view our relationship in a negative way. Like you I started to lie about my porn viewing or rather I started closing up about that to her. I found that hard too. I'd so much rather be open to her, but that wouldn't have been good to either of us. These days I'm like: ofcourse I would have liked the support of the person that's most important to me, but I accept that that's not really an option. Like me, she has her own problems. To me porn and her are really nothing alike. There isn't any tension between them to me because they are two completely different things. But even though that's clear to me, I can't help it that she sometimes sees that in a different way. That sucks big time, but it is how it is.
     
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  8. Quanta

    Quanta Member

    I'm reading Wayne's book. He believes that the man has to be the rock in the relationship. That that's the nature of things. Women need to feel protected and cared for. They need to feel you are in control of your life, and setting the direction. Otherwise, she can't be in her natural feminine. When they have to support you, it forces them to bring out their masculine side, and they will lose respect for you. Of course, I have no idea what I'm actually talking about, since I've never actually had a girlfriend. But this is something that also worries me.. if having a good relationship means that I'll have to hide some of my past mistakes from her.
     
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  9. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Im not sure who Wayne is but I like what he says and can agree with what you read. But I don’t think you have to hide past mistakes to have a good relationship. Everyone makes them, no one is perfect. I’m sure i will tell my wife and kids one day when the time is right. When will that be???? Hmmmm????? I think when I can honestly say that I have beaten this addiction. When I can look back and say wow what the hell happened back there. Like now I can think back to how nice it was to mow down cigarettes and how although I still crave them from time to time I know without a doubt I won’t smoke again. I no longer will let this habit control me. In a way I feel that once we all get the upper hand on our porn addiction we will be a totally different person. Stronger, more interesting, more dimensional.
     
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  10. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Everyday we get to bed pmo free is a victory... A relapse may be part of the process, but it needn't be one... I think you'll find that most addiction professionals actually believe each time you relapse, it makes it even harder to stop the next time... You want to learn something about yourself? Beat that addictive voice fucker into submission next time he tells you how much you need porn to feel a little better. When he's pulling at you so hard you feel like your brain is going to explode! Yep, then you learn you are in control... You are getting a fantastic foundation built for beating your addiction so don't even think about the 'next try'... How about this is it. This is your time... Day ones suck. Period...
     
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  11. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member


    Starting day 21!!! Count it as another victory indeed!!! I’m finding myself procrastinating less and I’m loving it. I haven’t seen a dent in all the maintenance that needs doing around the house but I’m totally maintaining. Oh, dishes need done... boom! Floors need to swept and mopped... boom! Garage needs tidying... boom! Clean up after myself... boom! I don’t see these things as a downer anymore but just things that need to get done. I’m also noticing a change in my social encounters. I took my daughter to dance class last night and sat with the other parents in the waiting room and instead of hiding in my phone and only conversing when I had to I actually contributed to the conversation. I know my cravings aren’t over but yes day ones do suck and I’m prepared to fight thanks to all of you here at this forum. Thank you!!!! Time to put our heads down let’s get another victory!!!
     
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  12. Quanta

    Quanta Member

    First name is Corey. Check out his book, I found it useful yet still stuck in putting it into practice. I think it could help you with your relationship, viewing it from a different angle, having another approach. Not sure why you'd need porn when you have a wife. Is she's not into sex? Maybe the book will help there.

    I think we're talking about different kinds of shame here. You being a porn addict behind your wife's back, I don't find that to be such a "dark" secret. It's an addiction and all... one can rationalize that. I would not tell her though. What could be gained from that? You'd only make her feel bad. As the man, that's your pill to swallow. Just drop it and never look back. Read the book and work on your relationship and sex life. The book basically says, that when you are the man, she'll want to have all kinds of fantastic sex with you.
     
  13. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Great work on 3 weeks brother!!
     
  14. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Working on week four, I’m 22 days in(starting 22). This morning was a doozy. My wife started back to work this week she is a teacher so she’s been off for the summer. So we’ve got into a routine where I work out in the morning and she keeps the kid-o’s busy and then I take the afternoon if she should need to do anything. Now she is back to work and the routine is broken... ahhhh! Come to find out this is another trigger for me. When things don’t go the way they “should” I want to run and hide. Like an ostrich putting my head in the ground. Dad I’m hungry.. Dad he’s annoying me.. stress alert!!! I’m such a robot. Any slight adjustment in protocol will send me into a frenzy. Obviously 22 days ago this would have been harder and I would have already submitted to the pressure. Not today this is the new me. Me 2.0. I’m not going to let this sink my ship. Beginnings are always hard so it’s time to make a new routine. Maybe my new routine should be to not have one??? There has to be somewhat of a routine it’s what keeps things smooth. Someone told me that their therapist told them to not have expectations because when your expecting your day, a situation or a person to act a certain way or go the way you want it and it doesn’t, it’s crushing. So no expectations is that the answer?? Who knows? What ever the answer I know I’m being tested and I know that I’m stronger than my cravings and they will pass. I guess too being outside my comfort zone is good. This is where life is happening out here in the trenches and although it’s hard at times it’s a hell of a lot more interesting out here. I choose to stay the course even though it’s harder. Thanks guys good luck today, I’m going in!!!
     
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  15. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Routines are ok... Maybe just a little more flexibility... A little more, I'm just going to 'go with the flow'... Emotions run all over the place when we're in 'withdrawal' mode... Choose your battles. A little change in routine ain't one of them...

    As long as you get your workout in sometime... Exercise is key for me in my battle:cool:
     
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  16. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Would it be feasible to work out really early in the morning before your kids/wife get up? That's what I do and it works well. It definitely helps that I'm a "morning person".
     
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  17. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Day 23 and another day away from routine but today is not as stressful. Thanks for the good ideas I most definitely need to choose my battles and no porn is the one I’m putting my max effort into. This is the one that will benefit my life most. It’s interesting to me how yesterday I was stressed about my change in routine but this morning nothing has changed and I’m more capable of dealing with it. What a difference a day makes. Switching gears a little I’ve noticed lately that I’m starting to prepare myself for upcoming things a little more. Nothing ground breaking but just setting myself up. If I’m low on gas and I’m out I’ll get it and not wait until I’m due to be somewhere but, I have to stop at the gas station first. I’ve got jiu jitsu tonight but, I have down time now might as well pack my bag so I’ll be less stressed getting ready. There are other things too that are even smaller but help out none the less. Who is this guy I’m becoming. I’m really liking it. Life is a lot easier than I was making it. Thanks to all. I hope everyone can overcome any obstacles the day brings. Peace:)
     
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  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I noticed no porn makes it a lot easier for me to keep up on and slightly get ahead on life too. When I earnestly reboot and refrain from porn and fantasy MO my life gets better and I am easier and more polite with people, and much more capable of getting on top of things and taking on life. I'm using it to motivate myself now. I know that if I MO to fantasy or porn I will have consequences relatively quickly to make my life worse and more miserable, especially messing up any opportunities for romantic relationships I have. Thanks for posting to your journal, you are reminding me that I am on the right track!
     
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  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I have a similar problem of fear with routine and not holding it. I can see how routine is a positive thing in getting my life to a better place. But I can also become a bit too OCD about it, or overly fearful that if I don't hold it perfectly then it's all gonna go out of control. It's hard to find that balance of doing the healthy routines, but yet in a relaxed and self trusting way.
     
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  20. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Starting day 24....I got a little arrogant this morning guys! I was trying to decide on what work out to do today and I thought that I haven't done snatches lately-mind out of the gutter im talking about the olympic lift-so I'll do something with that lift in it. Then I thought back to my instagram days, those were the days. I followed this girl that did a really cool snatch complex work out and couldn't remember how it went and thought well I'll just log in and find the work out. In the beginning of my instagram days i used it primarily for jiu jitsu moves and cool workouts. As time went on my brain found a way to only search for things that brought me deeper into the porn rabbit hole. One of the many times I tried to quit porn I deleted the instagram app on my phone never went back to it because I would search out hot girls and so would start the spiral. Back to today, I thought i'm 23 days clean I can log in to instagram find this work out and log off without trouble. WRONG!!!!! Come to find out i'm not totally rebalanced. It didn't take long to find her profile and I started to scroll through looking for the post of the work out I wanted to do but I couldn't ignore a few bikini shots. I was however able to realize what was going on and logged out. PHEWWWW!!!! That was a good slap in the face. Although things are going good in the rehab department, I'm not there yet... I have to remember that it took me 20 something years to get where I'm at it's going to take more than 20 days to fix. I will say I've learned a lot about myself in these past 24 days, paying more attention to how I react to certain situations. Here's to another day hope everyone has the strength to make another day!! GET AFTER IT!
     
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