Where It Starts

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by JD1981, Jul 17, 2019.

  1. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    I'm a 38 yo male, married with two children and I'm tired of living a double life. One that is a great father and husband, the other where I'm a porn addicted loner. I started viewing porn as a teen and was able to be in control of it but gradually through the years it has spiraled out of control. If my wife and kids leave the house I'm on the computer within five minutes. It consumes me! When they return home and ask how my day was I have nothing to tell them, and sadly- aside from not having anything to show for my day while in the throws of my addiction- I don't give a crap. It's not until after I'm done that I get severe guilties. I feel guilty that I'm doing this behind the back of my wife. I feel guilty that I'm essentially pissing my life away. I feel guilty that I'm putting my kids in jeopardy of watching their parents fight and possibly get a divorce. I feel guilty that I'm not contributing as much as I can to help my household run smooth and stress free. The list goes on and on!! I've noticed to that my social skills are not as good as they once were. Maybe because I'm trying to seem normal by hiding my other self. I feel like a total fake. I have tried numerous times to quit and the longest I've lasted was like 29 or so days and in that time I felt great but the weirdest thing is I almost felt guilty for feeling so good??? How weird is that? Then I had a difficult day and found myself alone and right back to the comforts of porn I went.
    I recently was on reddit viewing porn and in the search bar I typed porn addiction and came to find this forum and I'm very excited to give this a go. I really want to change my life and feel that the ripple affect would be great for my wife and kids. And hell it would be great for me. I've read some of the threads and it feels good knowing I'm not alone. In an effort to quit I've done various things that seem to help like work out regularly, meditate, started a jiu jitsu class, writing in a journal. Although all of these are positive things that I'm sure help I continue to slide back into old habits. I really want to quit I know how bad this habit is for me. So what the difference between those other times I quit and now? I have no clue but I hope that typing down my thoughts and reading other peoples thoughts, faults and successes in this forum will some how help motivate me and keep me strong. I'm embarrassed of what I've become and want to change things. Thank you to whoever I need to thank for this forum and I'm excited to follow this path.
     
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  2. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Okay I just made a to-do list. This is nothing new I’m sure but if I can keep my mind busy I won’t fall in the trap and as a bonus I’ll get the things that need doing done. Cheers!!!!
     
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  3. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Hey man welcome to the site. I just wanted to say that I really relate to what you wrote above. When I'm alone, especially when it is unexpected, it's like a switch is flipped and whatever I had planned on doing takes a back seat to PMO. There have been times when I have literally spent hours looking at porn and then I have to run around working as quickly as possible to try to have something to show for the day.

    One strategy that has worked for me somewhat in the past is to join (as often as possible) whatever my family is doing that is causing them to leave (even if it's just going to the mall or something [which I do not particularly like doing]). This has the double benefit of spending more time with the family and preventing being alone in the house.
     
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  4. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Welcome! Educate yourself. Go watch Gary Wilson's TED TALK, read articles on YBOP, read The Porn Myth (from the informations of your short OP, I think you'll benefit immensly from this book and it will be an eye-opener for you!) and check out Noah Church & Gabe Deem on Youtube. They will probably answer most of your questions that you might have. Help others on their journey and you will be helped as well! One good turn deserves another. Maybe even consider going to a self help group like SAA or SLAA.

    Take care!
     
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  5. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Thank you Pete and Trueself for your reply. I just watched a few church and seen YouTube videos both channels are going to be very really helpful. I also watched Gary Wilson’s TED talk and it to was super insightful. I’ve never looked into porn addiction as much as I recently have and it blows my mind that I’m not alone. So many studies and so many resources, and by watching just these few videos I’ve realized that I have more issues than just binge watching porn. I think I’m beginning to experience porn induced erectile disfunction and random semen leakage. I was just chalking this up to getting older and I was discouraged but through recovery I can maybe recover what I used to have. Wilson talked about having a hunter gatherer mind when was talking about binging and I fall right into that. When alone for a day I could click through porn for easily six hours. This is really embarrassing. While I was mowing the yard I multiplied these numbers. I generally have four days where I’m off of work and find myself alone. 4X6 is 24 so 24 hours a week stuck on porn. So I’ve been living a six day week for at least ten years. 52 x 24 is 1248 hours a year and 1248 X 10 is 12,480 hours in ten years which is 12480/ 365 days in a year is 520 days in the last ten years spent viewing porn. Holy crap I geeked out a little but that’s a full year plus of internet porn. Well enough of that here to the start of day two. Thanks again:)
     
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  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey JD, welcome to the forum.

    So you crave porn every time your wife and kids leave the house. That's the trigger. For me it was the same way when I was 12/13 years and I didn't have my own computer. Every time my parents left the house and I was alone at home I rushed to the computer and downloaded some porn. Even nowadays (twenty years later) I sometimes feel triggered when I visit my parents and they leave the house for five minutes. That shows how deep these "hooks" are in our brains.

    It's kind of an automatic cycle. Trigger (Your wife and your kids leave the house) -> Craving -> Porn.

    You have to break the cycle. Could you just leave the house too and do something else? Go for a run/ a walk, go to the gym, go shopping, whatever. But you need to break the cycle so that it's not automatic anymore. That's not easy. In a situation like that you feel like you're on autopilot and that you have no choice.

    Wish you only the best!
     
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  7. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    So yes my wife leaving the house is a trigger but without a doubt the strongest trigger is a social gathering I guess you’d say. That is anytime I’m in a group of people whether it be family, friends or people I just met and I’m am forced to be social. It’s funny because to know me you’d think that I’m very social and Ive had people say that they wish they could be as social as me. It’s true I really do thrive in conversation I listen well speak well and feel that I’m very witty. But all of this is on the outside. On the inside I’m screaming, it’s a total front and after an event, dinner party or what ever the occasion I feel like I go into depression and the only way to make me feel better is PMO. So as soon as I find myself alone I go into the cycle of depression, PMO, feeling better and the immediate guilt. Guilt for having broke my no PMO streak. Guilt for going behind my wife’s back. Guilt for wasting the day. In actuality I feel worse and generally I say screw it I’ve broke the streak might as well keep doing what I know is hurting me. What a mess! Well today my wife has scheduled a boat trip with friends and family. So today I am going to put on my social hat and have a good time but this time will be different because, I know what’s coming. Today I’m going to push through any feelings of depression and know that there is a good life waiting for me once I leave this habit behind. So this is my battle cry I know I’m not alone thanks guys. Good luck to all of you today.
     
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  8. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    You might benefit tremendously in the social department by abstaining from PMO. A lot of rebooters, including myself, have reported noticeable improvements when it comes to being social and decreased social anxiety.
     
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  9. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Well starting day 4 brain not rebalanced quite yet but reading everyone’s threads help motivate me To keep moving towards a quiet mind. Our boat outing was great yesterday I had a few cravings but was able to push through prolly because it would have been weird to look at porn in front of a crowd. Any way typically today is when those anxiety feelings hit and my wife is leaving this morning for a few hours which would be a perfect time to curb such feelings with porn. My plan is to make a to do list and stick to it. I’m sure it will be tempting but the goal of the rebalanced brain and a better me should keep me on track. I usually make my entries on here early because no one is awake but today my wife and kids woke up and so I’m hiding out making an entry. Why in the world would I want to continue something I’m so embarrassed by. CRAZY!! Well I’m not embarrassed by recovery! Thanks for any thoughts coming my my and good luck to you all and keep fighting!!!
     
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  10. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    That's the spirit! Also try to decrease your shame about being addicted to porn. It doesn't necessarily meant that you are a pervert. It doesn't mean that you look down and women and so on and so forth. Porn ist just addicting as hell. A super-natural stimulus accessible from everywhere. You are not so different from a person who ate themself to obesity if that makes you feel better.
     
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  11. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Here it is day 5, I’m building some good will power. While my wife and daughter were out yesterday I fought off some strong urges and it feels great thinking about it now. The to do list helped but at times I found myself just laying on the couch staring at the ceiling until the urge passed. Today we’re leaving for a cruise so the next few days will be filled with social settings and limited internet so it should be easy to stay away from porn. So too, I’m thinking I’ll be missing in action a little as far as this journal goes and I think this has been the biggest help for me. I’ve never been on a cruise before so I’m not sure how it will be. I can’t thank everyone enough for sharing their journeys and for the support you’ve given. This is without a doubt the one thing I’ve never tried and I’ve been missing. Good luck to all and here’s to another day clean!
     
  12. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    I’m home from the cruise and it was great but for a guy trying to rebalance it was overload. Kinda like having an AA meeting in a bar. Bikinis everywhere and is it me or are bikinis more revealing these days. I was able to make it through but found myself lost in bad thoughts. It’s day 11 with no porn and I’m feeling the strongest urges now. This is exactly how it feels before I have a relapse. The plan is to read some threads in hope that this will keep me straight. Thanks.
     
  13. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Starting day 12 and these cravings are insane but so far I’m able to stay away. I was walking my dog this morning thinking about how my addiction has evolved. I’m sure like a lot it started when I was young 10 or 12 I’m not real sure but I know I didn’t crave it like now. I had a girlfriend in high school and we moved into an apartment and we didn’t own a computer but I had a few magazines that I hid in various places. Funny they were all soft core playboys and when she found them we fought a little she was gone. So then I didn’t have to hide them anymore but I wasn’t out of control at this point. I would only look at them maybe once a month. Mainly when she wasn’t in the mood and I was drunk and horny. Then I met my wife and we married and 17 years has gone by in a blink. So in that time I went from soft core magazines to hardcore/webcams on high speed internet and I’m scared for what’s next. It’s like along the way whatever I was watching Wouldn’t arouse me so I would click on something new and start down that road and soon that didn’t do it and I would go down another road. That’s one effed up snow ball. Where I’m at now is what is frightening to me. I love the webcams because they’re real people and real time. So when this starts to get old and not working I feel like the real thing is the next best thing. I love my wife and my kids and don’t want to disrupt what we have because I truly am happy but when I see hot girls out in public I think oh I should flirt and see where it goes. I’m smart enough to know though that where it goes is straight in the gutter, Everything we’ve worked for and love would be crushed. But even though i know this I still think that if a window of opportunity opens and I’m weak I’ll do it. Ahhhhhhhhhh! So crazy I wish this rebalancing would hurry up. I listened to warren buffet say in a speech that You don’t feel the chains of habit until they’re too heavy to remove. Well I definitely feel them and I hope I have the strength to get them off. Here’s to day 12 I know it’s hard for us all. Stay strong!!!!
     
  14. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Hi JD... It's kinda slow in the 'old-folks' thread so I decided to step down and see what's up with you youngsters:rolleyes:... Good on you for realizing you have a problem. An addiction... Get it under control now or I guarantee it will just get worse... Trust me, pied is a mind-fuck... If your not familiar with the term paws, check out this link. https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm Even if your familiar with the term, check it out... Although it is about drugs, just substitute porn, and bingo! Great explanation of stages we go through, and some relapse prevention techniques...

    Keep posting and writing out your feelings. It helps...
     
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  15. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Starting day 13 and feeling good. Having porn urges already but I’m finding my will power is a little stronger. You know I smoked for 9 ish years and I still get cravings so I’m wondering if I’ll always crave it but just will be able to avoid it. Time will tell. I guess we are animals so having a sexual craving is natural it’s just not natural to satisfy with the computer. I’m finding extra time throughout my day where I used to spend it viewing porn now I’m working around to house. It’s a little overwhelming to see that I have so many things that need to be done but, Rome wasn’t built in a day, right??? Thanks for support good luck to everyone today.
     
  16. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Just finished a work out and while doing it I thought of another flaw that my addiction causes and that is speaking to the opposite sex. Every time I get around a female I get weird it’s like I don’t know how to talk to them, especially if they’re hot. All I think about is sex?? At my job we have no female employees so this doesn’t help but yeah I’m excited to actually be more confident in the presence of a strange woman. Wow typing this out and reading it really makes me feel like a total wacko!
     
  17. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    I tried to stay pretty busy yesterday to keep my mind away from any triggering thoughts or feelings and I won the day. I’m on to day 14. I did notice however as soon as I would take a breather these triggering thoughts would creep in and it would take about 10 to 20 minutes to escape them but I managed to escape them. I noticed too that when I have down time and sneaking feelings I immediately pick up my phone and in the past I would just go to a favorite site and start the ride but to curb this for now I logged on to this site and read a few journals and got on with my day. I wish there was a counter on how many times I viewed this site cause it’s crazy but it worked so f it. I am starting to feel a little more lift in energy level during the day and less lazy. For instance I noticed that I needed to hang laundry and instead of walking past the pile a dozen or so times and not doing it and leaving it for my wife, I stopped and hung them up and kept moving. It was nice and my wife noticed that I did it. There were a few other things that also are small but a step towards a new me. I’m excited for what’s to come. Cheers and thanks to all.
     
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  18. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Home alone my wife and kids just left so it’s time to get busy but before I do just a little something I noticed. My relationship with my family doesn’t seem as stressful and we seem to be friendlier. Before leaving my daughter ran up and gave me a hug and not me trying to get a hug. I’ve heard my wife and kids say more than I’d like to admit that dad’s just cranky or why are you always mean. Well it’s because they were keeping me from my addiction???? Who knows just feels good to think I’m rebalancing my relationship with my family. Now I have to get out of this house. Peace!!
     
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  19. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Starting day 15 I made it another day thanks for all the support. It really helps me to get my thoughts out and get feedback and encouragement. I would not be at 15 if not for the help of this community. I went to my jiu jitsu class last night and found myself being more social it felt really nice but weird because it was so easy. Before when socializing it felt forced and I was terrified but yesterday wasn’t bad I even got up and greeted class mates as they came in. Another bonus was I talked to a lady that goes in to watch her son. She is mega attractive but I didn’t have any creepy thoughts or get stutters or act weird. We talked about summer trips her and her boyfriend went on and how her job was going. It was really cool. Another breakthrough I’m excited about was I had sex with my wife last night and I remained present I didn’t think about the hot mom I talked to or porn images. It was really nice. I’m still a little premature well a lot premature but that will come in time I hope. Thanks again and good luck to all of us today.
     
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  20. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Day 16 sitting here at work. I was nervous about today because I work with all guys and all we do is talk about she’s hot id like to do whatever to her blah blah blah. Just not good stuff while your trying to rebalance. Also I’ve not been very confident in myself around coworkers. Just totally fake and at times so fake I feel that they can read right through me. I’m very happy to report that I’m having a great day. I feel very confident in who I am and no feelings of being uncomfortable. There hasn’t been too much talk about sexual things but I feel so good today that I think I’d be able to change the subject or just leave the room. Its only day 16 and I feel this good I can’t wait to see what changes a month of no porn can make. I still am having cravings but I’m feeling strong enough to get through them. I have to remind myself that it’s okay to feel this good I deserve it. I tend to get the guilties for feeling so good but I keep saying to myself and it is so cliche but you do only live once so why not feel good. I’ve wasted so much time in this silly addiction and i don’t want to waste anymore. I hope everyone is doing good today we all have demons and sometimes it’s easy to slay them and other times it’s not but if today your fighting those demons hang on tomorrow is a new day and in a second, minute or an hour from now it’s a new moment. Keep fighting!!!
     

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