... When you're really ready, you'll know it...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TriGuy60, Sep 5, 2017.

  1. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Wake up: Not looking at porn today... Today... Tomorrow? Who knows. I can only control the moment - the day...

    Beating an addiction is hard... Fucking hard... The desire to watch porn and pmo can be overwhelming. The beast tells us how much better we'll feel. All our stresses of life will pass. And for a brief moment, they do... Then after how do we feel? Like shit... That's how I feel anyway... Pretty sure I'm not alone... Tired, lethargic, remorse!

    There's a new life waiting for me. One free of the addiction of porn... I'll get there... One day at a time...

    Fuck porn...
     
    Saville and Gil79 like this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Good move to give that voice a name. The AV devil. It must definitely help to become more aware of where the urges come from....
     
    Saville likes this.
  3. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    It absolutely does... https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm

    And be sure to read the links (view the vid)
    Recovery and Relapse Prevention Strategies...

    When I quit drinking, I visited this site often. I recommended it often... If we view porn as a true addiction, then much of what's in here must apply... If you've been clear of pmo for months, then all of a sudden you're back to the porn and really had no intention of doing so, this article explains why you did... We prep for our relapses and don't even know it... 2 years is how long we must truly be vigilant... 2 years!!!

    But I wont concern myself with the 2 years... Today is all I got. And today, porn will not win.

    Fuck porn...
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    This makes it manageable. The present moment is all you can control.
     
  5. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Well, I crossed the week threshold... Big woop:rolleyes: I try not to live in the past, but I can't help think about @Bobo 's upcoming 2yr celebration... We joined this forum around the same time, but I failed to apply myself fully to giving up pmo... Now I face the cascade of emotions that will be coming as my brain rids itself of the porn drug... But, one day at a time is how you get to 2yrs... And another one is about done for the triguy... Congrats Bobo...

    Fuck porn...
     
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Thank you! You have the strength you will do it !
     
  7. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    It took me months before I could call myself an alcoholic. To accept the term. An alcoholic was the guy in the gutter... But eventually I came to accept that's what I was... Am...Sober going 6 years now. But I'm also an addict... I know if I took just one drink, it would light-up the reward center like a xmas tree... Lots of alcoholics fall into believing they can moderate because it's so fucking hard to stop (well, stay stopped - stopping is actually pretty fucking easy)... And I bet many do. For a short time... There are even moderation websites to 'teach' you how to moderate... Fucking teach!... Moderation with an addict is plain bull-shit... The easiest way to beat it is just stop. Moderation requires way too much planning... When. How much. blah blah blah... It's a constant struggle to moderate... Much easier to just become a non-drinker... But I'm still an alcoholic... An addict... I'm just not a practicing oneo_O

    I haven't really come across a definition for a 'porn-addict'... Someone who's reward center has been fucked-up by pixels... Lot's of shit about 'mental-disorders'. Really? I personally don't wish to identify with a mental disorder:rolleyes:... But I'm going to step out on a limb here and say, once you're a porn-addict, you're probably one for life... Like moderation in drinking, I don't think there can be moderation in pmo... Best way is probably to just end the fight. So that's what I'm setting out to do... It will be interesting to see how the AV speaks to me. The emotions I will feel... Anger, fatigue, elation and sometimes just that feeling of a void... That's the brain of an addict going through withdrawals. I have an addictive personality... Drink, pot if I have it, exercise (it's tough for me not to work out everyday)... And pmo...

    So I don't fret the labels... I just need to stop viewing porn... And after I've beating down the beast for a few months, hopefully I'll get into a cruise mode. Stop missing the fix less and less... But of this I'm sure - if I seek out porn, my brain will light-up like a xmas tree... Then it's back to day one... Fuck day one's...

    Fuck porn...
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2019
    Saville likes this.
  8. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Busting through another day without porn being part of it... Went for a swim this morning and did a set of intervals to work on my speed. I'm as slow as fuck in the water... Was able to maintain a pace under 2 min per 100... Average for the swim was 1:52... Nice for the old triguy... Nice I have no desire for porn... Too tired, at the moment, with not much desire for anything but a nap. But I already took one of those:rolleyes:... I work a part time gig here on the 'old-folks' reservation, and will be heading off in a couple hours for that... Hopefully the predicted t-storms come rolling through. I find it very peaceful when they do...

    Fuck porn...
     
    Saville likes this.
  9. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    I'm still going through 'brain-fog-mornings'. (not even my usual coffee fix is working!)... Not sure if it's the lack of sleep, or a withdrawal symptom. Oh well, guess time will tell... On the flip side though, I'm much more alert in the evenings... When I first started my PT job, if I closed at night, I would be falling asleep on the 3 mile drive home. I seem to have adapted to that now, and have much more energy - more alert... Not even changing to the stronger 'old-man' specs for the drive... Maybe I'm becoming a 'night-owl' rather than an 'early-bird'... I'm making it to 10pm with no problem:rolleyes:

    A little pull yesterday that I got through ok... Had on some flannel pants that I put on when I get up. They usually stay on until I get dressed at some point in the day... Well, I wear them sans underwear so the 'frank-n-beans' hang freely. (sorry I just watched 'Something about Mary':p) Anyway, While channel surfing a bit, I stopped on this movie where soon a couple were doing the nasty... Fuck me. Amazing how quickly the blood will flow to the groin area... Changed to something else fairly quickly but it was still a trigger... Took a bit of effort to refocus, but I did... I could have just as easily continued to watch, get a bit more aroused, and have had a 'fuck-it' moment... Told myself to go ahead and pmo, as I was going to do it sooner or later anyway... I told the beast to go fuck itself. Lying fuckin' bastard!:mad: I will beat you into oblivion bitch!

    5 minutes later I was fine... Yep, sometimes it's just making it through the next few minutes...

    Fuck porn...
     
  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know my wife loves recipies on Pinterest. Keeps trying to find the perfect dish!
     
  11. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Oh man. At least yours can cook! Shit, mine has trouble boiling water let alone read directions... I do all the cooking, and most of the cleaning now. I only work PT to get out of the house...

    If people ask me what I do, I tell them I'm a trophy-husband... Most think I'm kidding. I'm not... I get my sex life back to 'normal', (like having one:rolleyes:) and I'll be really living up to my job description...

    BTW... Fuck porn...
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You will. Without PMO in your life you will reach out for the real thing and it will satisfy you again and again. Yep, P can fuck itself in the mouth and choke to death! :D
     
  13. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Is that classified as a fantasy:rolleyes:

    But, with that in mind, what is a fantasy... I mean, if I were going to mo, what would entail a fantasy that's just a deadly as going full on pmo?... I don't have any desire to mo, but have read a couple of times on threads about the risk of fantasy... Could it be fantasizing about sex with my ex-wife, or anyone else I've had sex with... Or is it more 'out of the box' shit(back to abusing that poor donkey)... I get that if you're going to mo, it's probably best to focus on the sensation, rather than a scenario. (fantasy)... Hey! Maybe I just answered my own question:cool:...

    All's quite on the pmo front (great movie title)... Yesterday had a couple of challenging times, but not too serious. BUT - they were challenging enough to set me off in the past. Not this time though... I'm going to watch porn fuck itself and choke to death:D

    Fuck porn...
     
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Only if you're thinking of your sister. :eek::oops:o_O

    It's best not to MO, imo. I've fallen too many times with MO and it's always set me back. When I MO I have trouble cumming inside the wife. When I don't touch myself it's splooge city inside her vajayjay.
     
  15. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Well... I'll just put that in my 'spank-bank' and use it as a fantasy killer. :eek: Thanks dude... And what if she's a step-sister:rolleyes:

    Just put my 'race' wheels from my tri bike onto the rodie. Will use my road bike for next months race and need to get a couple rides on it just to freshen up some handling skills... It's only 6am and already 80 and kinda humid out... Very short window of opportunity before it's blasting! Oh- and 80 is kinda cool for this time of year... Don't be under the impression that AZ is a 'dry-heat'. Not during the monsoon season...

    Fuck porn...
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2019
    Saville likes this.
  16. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with Saville here. Mo combined with fantasy is imo deadly. Its even worse than P. If you dont use P then you are going to use fantasy. Orgasms are made to fill women with cum, period!
     
  17. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Wash-Rinse-Repeat... The cycle of repeated 'day one'...

    I went about a year after 'discovering' I had a porn addiction before I started posting in '17... A year I knew I had a problem and needed to quit. (and I would for 2-3 days)... I would read some journals on this site, and RN... Watch the nofap vids on YouTube... Pretty much asked the google machine to provide as much info on porn addiction as it could find... Eventually started my journal and went a full 13 days or so before I slipped:rolleyes:... Fuck... Came back after a little over another year passing and lasted about four days before the 'fuck-it' moment!... Fuck... Day one's suck! Wash-Rinse-Repeat...

    This is a tough fight this porn/pmo shit. No doubt about it... The pleasure-reward system is fantastic...

    Addicts are pretty good at lying to ourselves... And to others... Pure and simple, if we're constantly going 3-4 days 'clean' then slip-up... We ain't trying... Or, we're just not ready. Haven't accepted... Nope. we're just telling ourselves we are, but really all we're doing is making it harder to really quit. The brain is an awesome computer... It knows if you stop you probably will kick-up again if it wants you too... All it has to do is throw you some withdrawal symptoms and make you cry until you give in... The brain will always win the little battles. Because we don't want to fight it... We don't recognize it as a healing process... We don't accept that each time you win the 'little-battles', the brain loses some of it's power over us... But it takes time...

    I know 2 weeks ain't shit in the long run... Look at how many people make it to a year or so, then for 'some reason'... 'fall off the wagon'... Well, that little computer sitting above our shoulders is just waiting us out. Letting us plan our relapse...

    I'm fairly confident the 'pink-cloud' is coming... That's the period where everything is going along hoki-doki, then bam! The brain decides to throw us some shit... Next thing you know, back we go to pmo city for a little comfort...

    So right now I'm angry... This what I do. I write it out... And I'm angry about serial-slippers because I don't want to be one... I've done enough of that shit myself... First with drink and now pmo... FUCK!!!

    And before you get your panties all bunched up, as stated, I had a number of day-one's during my absence's... And I might have another one... But not fucking today!!!

    I accept the concept of paws... I truly believe in it... I've been posting with addicts way too long to not recognize it... https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm

    But I ain't going to be on this forum and posting about how hard this quit is 2-3 years from now... 'Hoping' this is the time I truly 'stick-it'... Nope. I accept that porn is adding absolutely no value in my life so it's time to remove the cancer... So if life throws me some shit today -- I'm going to make a shit sandwich and swallow it whole... Yep, sometimes the 'white-knuckling' is required... Sometimes you gotta pull up the big girl panties... Because the only other option might be another 'day-one'...

    Fuck day-one.

    Fuck porn...

    BTW. I hope El Paso has a speedy recovery... The fucking gun culture in the U.S. is insane... I'm sorry if you continue to support him, and I actually hoped he would adapt to the role and be a leader for us all, but he's proved to be just as inept at governing this great country as he was at running his businesses... But that's what you get when you elect a clown reality tv star to the highest position in the free world... We got change alright. Change back to the 'white supremacy' mentality of the 50's-60s... Fuck I thought those days were gone...:(
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2019
    NCBob likes this.
  18. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Hope and try have no place in my vocabulary when it comes to quitting this pmo addiction... Hope and try are all your addictive voice needs to hear... It's the crack that will be filled without a fight... You lose all your control when you 'hope you stick-it'... When you always 'never quit quitting'... Today I'm not going to look at porn... I'm not going to try to not look. Porn will just not win today. Tomorrow? Who knows. At this moment I don't care about tomorrow. That's way down the road... Hell, if I want to look at porn tomorrow, pmo tomorrow, have donkey sex tomorrow, or even after 6 years, if I want to have a drink - I at this moment give myself permission to do so... But that's tomorrow.

    So today that donkey can relax:rolleyes:... Today that's the choice I make... And if I'm tested at some point today, which undoubtedly can/will happen seemingly 'out-of-the-blue' I will just refocus on something else... Even if it's pacing back and forth until the craving subsides... (they always do)

    And when I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to tell myself the same thing...

    Fuck porn...
     
    Saville likes this.
  19. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Not much happening... No interest in looking at porn, so that's a win... Not much of a libido so that probably has something to do with it:rolleyes:. (is a 'flatline' actually just a withdrawal symptom)(opinions not required:cool:) So, any-hoo I'm just goin' with the flow and taking it as it comes.

    It's a great day to be alive, so why fuck it up with porn... Wife is going to take her trophy husband out shopping, So that will be fun... For her:p

    Fuck porn...
     
    Merton likes this.
  20. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    This place is sooooo slow... Guess that's my rant for today...

    Fuck porn...
     
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