... When you're really ready, you'll know it...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TriGuy60, Sep 5, 2017.

  1. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    Guess this is my final journal post… I suppose I’m only doing it for the closure. Hopefully it provides that. It’s kinda sad that @Amanda won’t be starting a 3rd year celebration thread for me next month. Thanks for the first 2 Amanda…

    Almost every day for the past 3 years, except when on vacation, or away from the house, I’ve logged into the cue to check what was going on. I’ve even been doing it the last couple of months as activity dwindled down to nothing...I completed the biggest event of my life last month, and didn’t even bother to journal it… But after close to 50 races since 2008, I finally consider myself a triathlete. The completion of a 2.4 mile swim/112 mile bike/26.2 mile run, changes you… I’ll be 60 in 5 months. Into my prime I go. An Ironman…

    I won’t be joining my fellow cuesters on the other social media sites that have been opened. I wish you all well. But a couple months back I learned of another demon in my life. Porn… I’ve joked many times about porn. With most guys, it’s a non-issue. We like it. And most of us started liking it at a fairly early age… But since the advent of high-speed internet, the way we view it has radically changed…

    My public service announcement:
    If you have a habit of looking at online porn, and your sex life is not where you’d like it to be, (men and women) check out yourbrainonporn.com…

    So that’s it… According to the counter, my 3-4 followers have provided 1145 responses and 18,491 views of my journal. There’s a rant in there someplace… But thanks for the support about covers it… If you’re still fighting the battle, keep it up. Never quit quitting. (Holy fuck. I can’t believe I just wrote that!) However, when you’re really ready, you’ll know it… Then Tommy’s way works…

    Wake up. Tell yourself you are not drinking today. TODAY! Fuck tomorrow. TODAY! Just make it through today. Do WHATEVER it takes to get to bed sober… Wake up and do it again.

    WHATEVER
    Man the fuck up.
    Pull up your big girl panties.
    Suck it up princess

    You’re welcome,
    Tommy

    ==========================================================================

    This the last entry to my journal from a site that helped save my life... Well, helped me in the direction I needed to go anyway.

    I put it up as an introduction. The post was done on December 16th, 2016... Two months earlier I 'discovered' PMO had severely fucked me up... And I didn't even know it... At least alcohol was kind enough to let me know that if I didn't stop it would eventually kill me... PMO? - Hospitalization with a raw dick?

    Bottom line: It's taken me almost a year to 'accept' that I need to quit MOin' to P...

    I'm starting a Journal of my journey with beating PMO now. And it's going to start with just the porn aspect right now... Later? I'm open...

    I chose YBR because I can already feel a kinship with a few who post in the 40+... An attitude. A resolve... I have an attitude. A resolve...

    What I've observed over past (almost year), is that quitting porn seems to me to be very much like quitting alcohol... Porn may be just much more of a battle for me... But I shall slay it also.
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2017
    Boxer17 likes this.
  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Welcome Triguy
    You are correct in your assessment of this forum. I am often amazed at the insight the men in this group bring to the table in this battle taking place both outside and inside ourselves
    So many around us aren't aware of the damage done to ourselves and society in general by this scourge

    You are a welcome addition to this forum
     
  3. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    Thanks for the welcome Boxer. Just caught up with you in your J. Keep up the good fight...

    I could probably just visit the vast majority of J's here and cut-and-paste my background with porn... And with ED... And with being in a sexless marriage... blah blah blah. Yep, that's where I'm at. But what finally lead me to 'discover' porn had been such a bane in my life? Not going to get into the details, but it was DE... I thought I was seizing an opportunity to prove my manhood, and instead had the most frustrating night of my life, and it crushed me.

    It was during the search for an answer that I first came upon the term PIED. WTF!!! That's me! I could lay out a timeline of my onset of ED with the upgrades of my internet speed and consumption... DE was the final straw. I didn't mind taking the ED drugs, (not that I needed to very often) but too not orgasm? That's just fucked up...

    So I won't look at porn today... Tomorrow? I'll worry about that when it comes around... Now is all I can control. Fuck porn. FUCK YOU PORN...

    Time to go get braces tightened... Yep. 60 and getting my teeth straightened. You're never "too old for that"... Whatever it is...
    :cool:
     
  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Yes that is true. No sense borrowing trouble from tomorrow
    Braces: good on you for continuing to improve yourself
     
    TriGuy60 likes this.
  5. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi TriGuy,

    Glad to read your journal and get a sense of your determined attitude. As you know this is a fight... you seem to have the fighters spirit!

    Be well and peace.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  6. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    When I stopped drinking and was posting with the other drunks, I came upon this long term poster who just couldn't 'stick a quit'... Page after page. Year after year, of wash-rinse-repeat... When I finally reached the end I was exhausted... I then told him that he should just 'man the fuck-up and quit"... Oppps... Talk about starting up a shit storm. Of course some agreed with me, but many others were just as ready to (IMHO) enable him to continue down the same path... 'poor baby' 'You'll get it next time' 'never quit quitting'... wash-rinse-repeat...

    But I had been in that cycle myself. Decades of my own wash-rinse-repeat... Until one morning I woke up and said fuck-it. I'm done... I accepted that drinking was adding no value in my life. I then set forth to do whatever was necessary to quit... That meant I woke up every day and said to myself, 'today I choose not to drink'... I posted everyday and read the journals of many others... I went on an emotional roller coaster that really didn't level out until after a year or so...

    Kinda knowing what to expect really helped... The term PAWS was used often, but wasn't clearly defined. I was intrigued to learn more...

    My searching lead to this site https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm

    Just substitute Porn, PMO, donkey-sex, for alcohol/drugs and bingo!!! An addiction is a fucking addiction... Is porn really an addiction? I'm going to say there's a great deal of grey area... But life has a lot of grey area... For me? It's adding absolutely no value in my life...

    BTW... If you make it to the site above, make sure to at least watch the short vid on relapse prevention the 3rd page or so... You might just find out why you 'pulled-your-pud-to-porn' and really had no intention too:rolleyes:...

    I don't tell anyone to man-up any more... That was my story... That was where I was... I was ready... Really ready. And I knew it

    So that's my story now with porn. I'm ready. Really ready... But this is scary... Really scary

    But looks like I'm going to make it to bed 'sober'... Hope you do too:cool:
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2017
  7. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    Ha. I'm pretty straight alright. Never have played with the opposing team, but I get along with them just fine... I think it's nice of you to come and play in the 'old-folks' thread... While generally at a certain age we relate to the generation we're born in better, some of us like to live in the current one... While some can't believe that others listen to music that's not from the 70's... Me? Physically I'm 60 going on 35-40?... Mentally 60 going on 14...

    So I've been porn free for 7 days now. No M no O either... Not going to focus on the m&o's now... I think physically/mentally they will take care of themselves... I may need to provide assistance, but I'll cross that dick when I come to it...

    I'm trying to be aware of my triggers to look at porn... I'm not out to be a Puritan, and accept that I will come across things that might trigger... If without 'intention' I come across porn or porn substitutes I will just move along... Happened last night... We have most of the cable channels and HBO has a new series that just started... I'd seen the ad's for it awhile ago and it looked good. (set in the 70's:rolleyes:)... But it's based upon the porn industry as it was ramping up during the time... I'm sitting there remote in hand,.... 'I can't watch this'!!! My reward center had lit and I actually could feel it... Back-out from that choice. Hummm naked tv? What's this? Aghhh!!! Back-out, back-out.... Hum. 'I am Number 4'... Teen alien high school love story...

    Perfect:cool:
     
  8. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    'The First is Never the Last'... I came upon that quote when I was searching for ways to kill the drinking beast that was within me... It made sense to me. The first is never the last. In that case it was a drink... I couldn't just have a drink or two! No fuckin' way. Why even bother? When I drank, I drank to get a buzz.

    I don't see a tremendous difference with porn. When I viewed porn it generally was to O... Maybe it would take a session or 2... or 3... or 4... But i'd eventually would get there. Even if it was with a semi-erect dick (left hand on dick, right hand on mouse. bet that paints a familiar picture for many:eek:)... Just before this quit a few days ago, I found myself just starring at the screen. Pictures and vids of beautiful "attainable":rolleyes: women... Yet my dick wouldn't respond... I felt a void... So this is the next 20 years?

    No it's not... Today I won't look at porn... That's my choice today... I am in charge here and porn will not win... Because one peak wouldn't be the last...

    The first never is...:cool:
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2017
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks for stopping by my journal. :)

    I've been guilty of this. The first months of sobriety I was filled with a kind of religious zeal; it's what helped me get on top of it all. I got banned from one guys journal, which was my bad. :oops: I'm here, first and foremost, for myself, but I am connected intimately with the journeys of many of the men here and I sometimes feel desperate for everyone to "be healthy." I've definitely learned a shit-ton since coming here.

    So true, which is awesome, because the first taste of freedom from addiction also won't be our last. So, what makes us desire PMO will also allow us to discover a great life without it. :D

    Welcome aboard!
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    So well said
     
  11. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    I admire those who post here. I admire those who are really trying to get their addiction under control... The porn beast calls to me much like the alcohol beast did...

    I tried many times over many years to kill the alcohol beast... Then I grew tired of the battle... I needed to win the war. So that's what I set out to do... I came in flying high and cocky... One guy called me a "swaggering dick"... So be it... I'm still sober.

    It's fucking hard at first. That's the acute stage and onset of PAWS... It will be interesting to see what comes up for me:rolleyes:... Fatigue is a big one I usually have experienced... I also accept that PAWS can last up to two years!

    You need faith that it does get easier during the first year, but keep aware the beast will fuck with you when you least expect it... And our emotions are all over the place... When we feel like shit, we feel like shit so why not feel like shit and feed our addiction? At least there's temporary comfort there... Accept that there's going to be discomfort. What we do during this time is what's key to success... Be prepared and have a plan. Or...

    So at some point everyone needs to accept the resolve to quit... Each in their own time...

    I'm just going to speed this one up myself.:cool:
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2017
    Newman8888 and Saville like this.
  12. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    I'm not a huge day counter. I know many find motivation by tracking their days... That's cool... I have put my quit date in my signature line as occasionally I like to see how fast 'one day at a time' really adds up. (Hint: it adds up really fast) My approach is fairly simple... I don't hope for shit. Because shit is what you get when you hopeo_O. (well, I do hope it doesn't rain. hate riding my bike in the rain)

    I will beat porn/pmo and I will get my sex life back with my wife. Hope will just lead me back to porn and keep me trapped in a sexless marriage... Hope takes away my control... Kinda that neg+neg=neg. neg+pos=neg... then presto pos+pos=pos... Not having a solid positive belief you can beat this just makes the journey harder and longer... It's a mindset...

    When I first started lurking around here a year ago, I wasn't ready. Or I would have started a journal then... But this whole porn addiction, pied shit was/is so new... Surly I could just stop looking at porn at whacking my pud... haha... surly not:mad:. I went a short period without looking.(i'd know how long if I was journaling:rolleyes:) But the cycle of addiction is fairly predictable...

    One peak and within a short time it's back to searching donkey-sex... (that is a joke people, everyone knows goats are much better sex partners)... Porn for me is very much like that first drink. It's the only thing I have control over... One drink, one peak same damn thing... Moderation don't work for booze, and I doubt moderation works for porn either... Normal people can moderate... I have the wired brain of an addict. And it will keep telling me it's ok to look at porn. It will lie cheat and rob me if I let it... It will tell me my shitty life will be better if I just look a little... Fucking lying bastard!

    It's extremely difficult to pmo without p... Sure, I suppose some might say that if I happen to mo and fantasize that's the same as porn, but I'll think about that down the road... I'm not opposed to going without mo, those superpowers would be awesome to have! But just killing the porn beast is a tough enough challenge right now...

    Will I slip? That's always a possibility. But it won't be today.Today I will not look at or seek out porn...

    One day at a time is the only way I know.:cool:
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yep, you will. I was in a sexless, and for all intents and purposes, loveless marriage. I turned it around by allowing myself to be the star of my own show as opposed to the audience.

    Hope is for suckahs! It's the ultimate fantasy.

    Mmmm, yum, goats are killers in the hay! There's a play by Edward Albee about a guy who falls in love with a goat. It's a metaphor, obviously, but it's a darkly funny and moving play. Saw it many years ago in the Big Bad Apple.

    At the beginning, I thought that I would give up one thing at a time, and never seriously considered stopping MO. I read a lot of journals where guys said you "must" give it up, but I thought that was too austere. 40new30 mentioned to me a couple of times at the beginning that MO can really hold us back. He was right! It's a mind-set and MO and PMO go together like heroin and a syringe.
     
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  14. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    Oh, I get that... My game plan is to not MO... I'm just taking that a little more cautiously as my resolve can't quite wrap its head around that yet. I believe a little time will provide me the physical, and mental guidance. I like my body to tell me things... Trust me, my goal is for a 'decent' sex life again, and I'm aware that MO can affect that... But porn, is what got me here. It must be the first to go...

    Kinda like giving up booze and smoking at the same time... A feat very very few can pull off...

    :cool:
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's well within your grasp, my friend. If I can get back to having sex with my wife again then anyone can.
     
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  16. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    Woke up this am with a nice little headache. I've known people who suffered from migraines. My mom would have killed for relief of hers. I'm truly glad they're not a 'gift' I get too often... This one is a withdrawal symptom, either from porn or caffeine... I've gotten back into the habit of a little caffeine in the pm lately. Coke zero, or a green tea. Coffee on occasion... I didn't have any yesterday. At least I don't think I did... Fucking dementia :confused:

    Skipped the group ride today. The route the leader had planned brought us back home right smack through the middle of downtown LA... Did that with them a few weeks ago... Pass... So I spent 2 hours on my bike trainer. I finally joined the 21st century and put Spotify on the phone before I got on the trainer... I quite honestly can say that this was my first ever workout with earbuds... Rage Against still ringing in my ears. Awesome...

    I'm looking forward to a little downtime after my race in Tempe next month. This year I've done an international distance tri, a half-mary, a 70.3 tri, and AZ will be my second 70.3... My body's taken a pounding over the last couple seasons... I haven't been able to swim because I developed an over-use injury in my shoulder little over a week ago... Lost a week and a half of running about 3 weeks ago because of a nagging Achilles problem... blah blah blah...

    But this is the lifestyle I have chosen... I bitch about the aches and pains, but I also embrace them... They eventually heal and go away... A little rest is just called for now... 2016 was actually a huge year for me doing 5 tris including the Ironman in Nov...

    Then add the fatigue due to porn withdrawals:mad:... I'm truly (hoping haha) that when the tri rolls around, I'm on an energy upswing. It would make the event much more enjoyable... Yes I said enjoyable.:D

    Pretty much dead in the groin area. But if last years quit is any indication, from what I remember that won't last much longer... Then I'm pretty sure the beast will get highly active...

    But fuck him today.:cool:
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2017
  17. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    Feel pretty good this morning. Probably because I'm going up to visit my granddaughter for a couple of days... She's sooooo cute.:D

    No sense looking at porn today. Fuck that:cool:
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's incredible and inspiring, TriGuy60! Bravo!

    Have a beautiful day with your granddaughter. :)
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  19. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    Thanks @Saville, I had a nice time...

    Feeling a little tired right now... Really have the desire to 'test' my shoulder in the pool, but it still has quite a bit of discomfort when I move it in certain directions... Best to just wait a few more days... Good thing about swimming is the 'feel' of the water does come back fairly quickly, and I wont lose any fitness by not swimming now... I'm the guy who's plan is to just 'survive' the swim portion of a triathlon anyway. Usually I'm nearly last out of the water in my age group... But I can catch up and pass a few of them old-fucks on the bike and run. In my journey to ironman, it was the swimming 2.4 miles that really concerned me. That's a long fucking way no matter how you look at it. Turned out that was the best part of the event for me. Got into a grove early on and just went with it... I'm a MOPER... That's a middle-of-the-pack kinda guy... Always will be guys much faster then me... Usually a few slower then me... That's cool... I'm still awesome:rolleyes:

    No temptations to look at porn yet. No M... That's cool too... And if I happen to 'spring to life' at some point today, I still won't look... I'm done with that shit...

    At least for today.:cool:
     
  20. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Great journal entry TriGuy60!... I am very inspired by your account of a triathlon. Very impressive accomplishment. I am happy to get 30 minutes of run/walk in followed by 20 min of lifting and body weight exercise.

    Good for you sir!
     

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