When quitting porn asks you to re-evaluate "sex positivity"

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by DoneAtLast, Sep 25, 2020.

  1. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Active Member

    Yeah, that sums it up.

    The good thing about rebooting is that it takes so long (months, years) that it forces you to face these issues. I have been away from porn for 200 days, but I still feel I am a ‘’slave’’ regarding sex. In the first months of my reboot, nothing changed in my mind: I was staying away from P and M, but I had the same mindset than before. A few months later, I started realizing that something had to change in my perception of sex and pleasure. When you are deep into addiction and have severe ED, you are extremely sensitive to everything that concerns sex: your level of arousal, the quality of your erections, this kind of stuff. You also think too much about how to initiate sex (if you have a partner, or if you go on dates with women). All of this doesn’t help, it doesn’t make things happen naturally.

    I think @Guts is someone who understood this pretty well. He always writes this in his posts: if you can’t have sex because of ED, then don’t force it. Don’t be a slave to sex. And don’t get back to it until you’re ready. In the meantime, you just need to be patient. This is actually delaying gratification, which we all need to do here (except for those who are already rebooted). Delaying gratification, in terms of sex, means to stop pursuing pleasure if you have to force it. So many guys feel hopeless about their ED, and desperately want to heal without trying to change anything about themselves. Some ask the same questions all the time on the forum: they want to know if they will get better if they keep doing X or Y. It takes a while to overcome this, but it has to be done at some point. I am just starting to understand this (it took a while, but at least I’m getting it now). This, I believe, is an important psychological component of rebooting. The process is not only neurological: it’s not just about your brain, it’s also about your mind.
     
  2. Gettingfree

    Gettingfree New Member

    That sums up a lot of where I'm at in life. I'd guess about 5 years ago I confessed to my wife that I had a secret masturbation habit. I leaned on that when she wasn't interested in sex. I usually did it in the morning after she left for work. Anyway, I told her because I was making a decision to stop that habit forever which I have. She knows I battle with lust and there are times when we have to turn a movie off or change the station. She tries to help by not having anything in my line of sight that would distract me or cause me to stumble. I started on a journey to fight these problems 20 years ago after reading a book titled "Every Man's Battle". My biggest problem is that I notice an attractive woman and it seems like my eyes are fixed on that person. Porn really doesn't interest me anymore. I am on hormone replacement so at the age of 56 I have the testosterone level of a 20 year old. I had a discussion with my wife last week about how well the treatment is working and I explained to her when I was in my 20's I would masturbate twice a day which amounts to 60 times a month and now I only have orgasms with her and it's usually no more than 15 times a month. Having that drive has made me feel better physically but I often get a jolt deep down inside when I see some other woman that looks good. I have explained to my wife that she has every right to know what I'm doing when I'm alone. We have worked very hard at having a great marriage and sex life and she knows I'd be devastated if I fell back into the pit I was in.
     
    DoneAtLast likes this.
  3. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    I hesitate to respond because you didn't actually ask anyone for advice, but this is something that crosses my mind frequently. I heard a really silly saying years ago "you can't stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from making a nest in your hair". Yeah, goofy, but it is true. You've got a few years on me, but I'm old enough that I will find myself aroused by women who would be legal, consenting adults, but still way too young for me, so this becomes more and more important for me as time goes on. I've found those thoughts like a good fight. If you try to get rid of them, they're really obnoxious. If you acknowledge them, they do their thing very quickly and disappear. So, I'm at the grocery store, some stunningly beautiful college girl wearing not much at all is shopping for bananas, I can either feel aroused, annoyed that I'm aroused, and then fall into a weird spiral, or I can say to myself "that is a beautiful young woman" and move along with my day. It sounds stupid, but it genuinely works. The fact of the matter is that the world is full of beautiful people, and we're lucky to recognize it when we see it. It doesn't mean I have to want it or need to deal with thoughts about whether I want it or not... I can just acknowledge what I see and move on. At one point in time those things would've been the snowball at the top of a hill for a big porn relapse. Now, if they have any impact at all, it brightens my day.
     
    Pete McVries and Gettingfree like this.

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