This is going to be my place to let it out and keep track of things. I'm 46. This all started when I was about 10. Never in my life have I talked to anybody about these things, ever. It's a lot to unpack when you finally realize what it is and what has gone on. What I'm about to write is probably going to be long, raw, and disjointed (it's not like this shit has fucked with our attention spans or thinking pathways at all). Some of this I've had an idea about for some time and some of it I just hashed out over the last few weeks. My name is ________, and I'm an addict (currently, I believe dopamine specifically). 10 or so - started getting magazines from convenience stores. After that it was VHS tapes from the same places. My parents weren't bad, abusive, or uninvolved. We just seemed to miss this very important subject. Anyhow, with these items, I taught myself everything I thought there was to know about arousal, pleasure, and sex (if only we knew what primacy was when we were 11). Enter the internet in the late 80s/early 90s and now this gets obviously worse. I'm a kid. Not dating. This is my secret. Fuck, before I even dated a girl, I was already objectifying women and had already made sure I couldn't connect emotionally with anyone. 16 - I lost my virginity to a prostitute in Mexico while on a fishing trip. Nothing more to say about that. 16-17 or so - I start dating a girl in High School. She eludes to a lot of sexual stuff. I blow it off because I have no fucking actual idea what to do with it. We finally have sex. It's mediocre. I learn this night that I already can't climax from receiving oral sex (no biggie though right? Most girls don't like that anyway). The further sex was also mediocre and we weren't connecting. She cheated and we broke up. Oh, meanwhile, I'm doing marginally in school and already struggling with friendship and connection overall. Who loves the awkward kids? The kids that have the drugs. 18-21 or so - I now seek to fill this void with meth, crime, and various women. I go to jail a few times. I get a girl pregnant. I beg my probation judge with a plan to straighten up. He cuts me loose and I join the Army. Little did I know, I'd be there for the next 22 years. Marriage #1 - 4 years. Unable to connect or communicate. Tumultuous and violent. Finally ended due to infidelity on her part, but mostly loss of trust and non-connection overall. Two biological boys from this marriage. Tried dating. Meh. Near daily PMO at this point. Also getting hookers off Craigslist and Backpage when that was a thing. Marriage #2 - 8 years. Unable to connect or communicate. Tumultuous and violent. This relationship has a bunch of swinger stuff in it and I'm also still getting hookers. Also using Yahoo Messenger and texting with other girls to meet up. She's fucking anything that moves while I'm deployed. Finally ended due to infidelity on her part, but mostly loss of trust and non-connection overall. I lost a parent in this relationship and I doubt that helped anyone. So, late 20's is when I start noticing erection issues. If you're having a medical issue, the Army would be glad to give you a pill for it (and never once mention any other options or concerns). One biological boy from this marriage and two step-children that I'll talk about at the end. Ok, now I'm fresh of another divorce, I'm still near daily PMO, I'm still getting hookers, and now I have fucking viagra pills. Hooray. Marriage #3 - 4 years. Again, unable to connect, relate, and communicate. Tumultuous. She's fucking anything that moves while I'm deployed. Finally ended due to infidelity on her part, but mostly loss of trust and non-connection overall. Still fucking around on each other, but not saying it. No kids from this marriage. No patterns yet right? Another divorce. Now, what we call the "Dark Days." Near daily PMO, hookers, viagra, and now single. Wild couple of years. Marriage #4 (Current) - 5 years and counting. I reconnect with an old friend and we decide to start dating. Somehow and some way, I connect with this person. I love this person and she is my friend. Currently, the only human being on the planet I trust. We are married now and mostly everything is great. No infidelity. We get along great. We've only had two minor disagreements ever. The sex is even great and frequent, except for two things: my boner is still pill induced and I still can't cum from receiving oral sex (well, once with A LOT of work). I've since retired from the military. I had even drifted away from porn and was doing PMO way less. Things were getting better and while I hadn't peeled back the onion yet, I kind of had an idea of what the problem was. Then 2020 happened. My 18 y/o son gets arrested, the pandemic starts, the college I'm in shuts down because of it, and my wife loses her job. What is the quickest, easiest, and hardest hitting way I know how to knock the edge of my stress? No shit huh. So yeah, there's one of the big zingers: I'm 46 years old. I'm married to and live with a beautiful woman that would love nothing more that to please me and have me finish in her mouth...and I don't have a fucking clue how to do that. It's fucking embarrassing and guilt ridden. Beyond that, it feels even worse for being such a first world problem. She deserves better. Any time I could get consent, I had also taken photos and video of my encounters, since my mid-20's. Additionally, I had kept those things cataloged and stored on an encrypted drive in a really creepy way, and kept them well beyond what was ever appropriate. I had also made a large secure bookmarks folder of various porn. Lots and lots of erotica too. I think I thought I could stop watching professional stuff, but keep these. I can't rationalize it, it doesn't make sense. So, what am I doing about it? I finally made this account and said some stuff out loud, hopefully to somebody that has some time to read. All the files and bookmarking I mentioned above, I deleted and bleached them yesterday. Day 3 of no PMO. Here we go. If anyone has read this far, I do have a few process questions on maybe things others have experienced. If this isn't the right place, someone please let me know. With my commitment, I can stop porn use. I don't see that being my issue honestly. Currently, I have questions like this: 1. When you look back at the length of it and all the things it's affected...4 marriages, two biological kids that didn't want anything to do with me beyond my financial obligation to them, but also two step kids from a previous marriage that know everything about my relationship with their mother, and still consider me/interact with me as their Dad....not having been "there" or "plugged in" enough for these relationships, kids, family, or friendships. It's more than half over and I've mostly just hurt people. How do you work through/get past the shame, the guilt, the inadequacy, and the undeserving feelings. How do I change the nub in the subconscious that everyday reassures me what a piece of shit I am? 2. If these pathways were hijacked at such a young age, what's really on the other side of this for me? I mean, in a sense I don't really know if I isolate and introvert because of porn or because of something else. What if I'm not at all like me now and say my wife doesn't like that or me? Thanks for listening. I've needed to do this for about 25 years.