Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Progress is the name of the game!
    It sounds corny, but it's true...just keep progressing and doing better each day. Nobody can ask more of us than that.
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Rugger, lots of nuggets of wisdom in your posts, but this one especially stuck with me.
    I'm glad you're still here.
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Rugger is back. I've been posting as Gandalf .... I felt that my though patterns here were still hitched to the Alicia thing and felt I was going round and round.

    I started posting as Gandalf to walk away from all that crap.

    I have discovered a number of things.

    But tomorrow I start Rugby practice. This journal is really who I am for good and bad. That Gandalf writings served their purpose.

    I'm 4 days into a no PMO, no dating apps, no erotica streak and holding solid. I'm in a bit of a flatline and currently fighting the temptation to test. I know that the flatline is a gauntlet that must be run to get to the other side of this but even knowing that it is unnerving.

    I accept the fact that 2018 is likely to be the year of the No Woman for Rugger.

    I must:
    • Remove from my life dating apps and erotica NOT just porn. In fact, porn itself hasn't been much of an issue for me for a long time. But the effects of dating apps and erotica are the same. They are absolutely direct substitutes.
    • Live my life authentically. I'm a Christian. I need to go to church and be involved in the mission work our church does in the inner city. I am an athlete who likes lifting heavy things and playing Rugby. I need to move daily, lift heavy things regularly and get re-involved with the club. Practice starts tonight for the Spring season. I'm many other things. I need to do those things. Otherwise I feel like a fraud because I am living as one. And that feeling makes me susceptible to PMO, dating apps, erotica.
    • Be patient.
    • Be active. It is hard to be patient when idle. I sit and stew. This weekend I filled the weekend with workouts, a bourbon hunt, an IKEA project trip, and house cleaning. This week I'm going to create a list of "shit to do when I don't have shit to do" so that when I feel bored I have options. In the heat of the moment it is too easy to choose bad things.
    This weekend doing life I wasn't lonely, bored or tempted to the point I gave in. In a way I went out on a date with myself. And that's what I have to look forward to in 2018.

    Boxer17 and bobjes like this.
  4. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Does that mean you have a couch now? ;)
    Boxer17 likes this.
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    No couch. Shelf!

    My apartment is still sparse but less so than last year. My ex used to buy everything so we had cheap stuff ... lots of cheap stuff .... I am holding out for exactly what I want ... funny I can be patient with "things" but struggle with patience as it relates to other kinds of gratification.

  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    A little shaky over the last 36 hours. About to hit a week. Need to set a counter here. Shaky but making progress.

    Rugby practice last night. And, of course, I attended the after practice. I've played once and practiced zero times in two years. Those that knew me were happy to have me back; new guys were accepting but I had no fear they wouldn't. Old boys have a special place in Rugby. My hamstrings hate me and I'm a little pissed that we had over an inch of snow fall during our 2 hour practice. Went knowing it was going to be extra miserable. Miracle of miracles I am not he slowest guy on the team either.

    Lesson learned (or remembered): Surround yourself with good people.

    Hit a Starbucks early this morning before my first client meeting. Young barista taking my order said "That's the kind of man I like. Older man who takes his coffee black, no cream because he doesn't like to hide the taste." Yes, been thinking about that line all day. No action beyond some flirting back. But it was a great way to start the day.

    Got done at a client early. Called one of our business development guys. He's usually at some networking event at the end of the day. Sometimes its coffee. Sometimes its beer. I didn't feel like going home. Ended up at a March Madness event. Reconnected with some old friends, flirted like a Rock Star with one of the waitresses, and grabbed a good fistful of new prospects.

    Lesson learned (or remembered): When you get your damn eyeballs off the screens, your brain out of the gutter and your hands out of your pants there is an abundance of beautiful, interesting women in the world. And they'll talk to ya if your present in the world!

    Tomorrow's another day. Another step.

  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Bad start to the day. Woke up with a bit of wood. And nervous energy. One thing led to another and then ammo. No screens involved. Still feels like defeat.

    Been doing this long enough to know though it’s not a restart. It’s a continuation of the progress of been making. Still sad about it.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  8. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    No need to be sad, look at it as you do as a lesson remembered (-:

    I Love that you are writing again! (-:
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    End of the day ... well it's night now and I have work to do ... but kind of an end ... got busy today and didn't notice the slip this morning.

    I'm going to be ok.

    Two things I'm fighting.

    1. Loneliness. Especially a need for touch. Sometimes it is such an ache. I have to find a way to divert the ache.
    2. My life is in a desert so to speak. Right now my first rung up is to hit business goals and in June I'm going to be promoted and get a raise. Right now given the divorce settlement and some other things nearly 2/3 of my pay isn't mine.

    Number 1 is excruciating while number 2, in the moment, at least is difficult to say the least. Sometimes I'm in a cage and I just can't move. I have little flexibility and the PMO lifestyle allows me to find pleasure that dulls the pains from these realities --- I am alone, I do hunger for touch and I do not have much materially.

    But as always I must find patience. And I so struggle with that.

    In six months a raise. I'll have a little wiggle room. All I need is wiggle room. Wiggle room won't solve everything but it will give me enough to move forward in life. Couch! And other things!

    I know wiggle room ... or money ... isn't going to solve anything ... but damn things are so tight!

    My reality. I want a woman in my life while I climb this climb out of the abyss. The abyss I am in is not just PMO. It is financial, legal, emotional, spiritual .... There is a clear path out. But the path can't be sprinted. And I am so NOT patient!

  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I agree with bobjes. No need to be sad. Progress is always positive
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    If all I was working on was keeping my hands off myself it was a bad week. Several episodes. They just are what they are.

    But I've always realized that putting the addiction to bay isn't so much about putting the addiction to bay as it is about loving yourself in the right ways, taking care of yourself physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, being authentic as you do it and having healthy outlets for those times when life goes bad. Even in good times there are bad stressful moments.

    The man who is not loving himself, isn't solid physically, mentally, socially, & spiritually, is living fraudulently finds toxic outlets when things go bad. And things are often bad rather than good.

    I am less the second guy today than I was in the past. But I'm still more him than the first guy.

    I happened to score 3 days in a row this week where I slept more than 8 hours. I wear a fit bit. I average about 5 and a half. Longest was Friday night. Woke up Saturday morning after 10:15 snoozing. I feel it. I'm thinking much more clearly. Some thoughts:

    1. I met a woman at a networking event last week. She LinkedIn me after the event. We've communicated back and forth some. We are going to grab coffee at some point. Whatever. I'm kind of blase about it because I don't think I'm all that much of a catch at the moment. She's younger and beautiful. I didn't start it. Why did she?

    I think I'm attracted to younger in part because I'm intimidated by women closer to my own age who have a house, have their financial affairs in order and expect me to as well. I'm stuck in this thinking that it'll be two years from now before everything financial is sorted out. If I got focused I could change that to a degree. I'm not going to run out and buy a house but really pinching down and making better decisions I could get somewhere. But getting somewhere will mean someone might want to really get into my life.

    There's more to the younger thing. And some of it is for positive reasons but the reality is that I can hide some weakness behind "wisdom".

    It is safe to live like you aren't a catch.

    Those times I do think I'm "a catch" I'm much more assertive in my pursuit.

    Not fixing my fapping and money problems is a good way to keep a barrier up that both prevents someone from getting in. Either because my lack of confidence or my lack of performance, sexually and monetarily. Yes, I know some of this is in my mind. But as I've been thinking the last few days that is the reality I've set for myself.

    2. I have similar thoughts about the weight I've gained and have zero real motivation to get off.

    I've just reread this. Sounds like a bummer. But I actually feel good I'm working this out.

  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    About to go to bed.

    Slowly making progress.

    Tired of putting one foot in front of the other. For work. For relationships. For wellness (and no PMO). Want an instant gratification miracle.

    Not going to happen.

    But I want it.

    Good night folks.

    40New30 and Boxer17 like this.
  13. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Remember the tortoise won the race, slow and steady is the way, one brick at a time. too many quotes i know but you get what I mean:D
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Two years ago about this time things started to spiral. Lost the house in early April. That was the first domino in a series that included fighting through a scorched earth divorce after a nearly 2 year legal separation, watching the business slowly fade, losing the girlfriend who I thought was "the one" and a whole slew of other more minor shit piles.

    I landed on my feet. I sold my business and I have been running it for the buyer since 11/16. I've been paying "reparations" since to those I owe money or apologies, too. I'm 2-3 months away from a promotion and a raise. I'm living pretty hardscrabble right now.

    I'm not handling the austere life the way I want. That is building my stress, affecting relationship, effecting my confidence in pursuing relationships and contributing to my bad habits -- comfort eating, drinking and PMO. I am eating and drinking more than PMOing, but it is from a self medication perspective all the same thing.

    I bought the lost gf and I fit bits. I finally stopped being pissed about that whole thing and put it back on. I'm trying to live a 10000 daily step life, at least 30 minutes movement everday, eating right, sleeping right .... it is measurable! Can't lie to the watch. I sleep on average 5 hours. I'm trying to stretch it out to 7 hours. I've got to cut some bullshit out of my life to do that.

    I scheduled time with myself Saturday afternoon to go hike. A "normal" Saturday is workout, work and then the day just kind of gets pissed away. If i'm feeling depressed it'l turn into a 6-pack at home alone or if I'm in really bad shape a PMO something. I'm looking forward to it.

    Posting to save .. more to say but I'm off to a client
  15. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Don't we all. I've wasted many an hour looking for that Eureka moment. But as you already know, there is no miracle cure. We have to struggle and evolve as effectively as possible. We have to try and learn rapidly about ourselves and work towards changing / improving.

    You say you've gained weight and are lacking motivation Good call on getting the fit bit though. Personally I think exercise is critical for people in our situation.

    Obviously exercise won't cure everything but it will make you feel a whole lot better about yourself - and what you do in the gym spills over into almost every other area of your life. If you don't like the gym keep on hiking or consider cycling. I recently read something about looking beyond the first order consequence when you're making a decision, i.e. we should also consider the second and third consequences of that decision. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about:

    You're considering exercising

    The first order consequence of that choice feels like time wasted & effort required, possible pain etc

    However the second and third order consequences of that decision include feeling better about yourself, improved health and increased desirability.

    The point being, we need to weigh up the 2nd and 3rd consequences of any decision we make. Sorry if I'm rambling, hopefully you know what I mean :)
    40New30 and Boxer17 like this.
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Rapha, thanks for your thoughts. Exercise is enormously important for us. The more intense the better. Though intensity is personal based on skill and fitness level pushing yourself a bit is the key no matter what "pushing" means to your level of fitness. I am much more resilient mentally and emotionally if I am consistently active in the gym and out.

    Last night I slept 10 hours and 36 minutes! I woke up without an alarm this morning. And I'm cleaning house. I feel confident that today will be productive and without PMO incidents.

    Sometimes I'm so tired and a peek or a beer or a burger or a tug or a pizza or a bourbon or a cocktail of all of them feels like it is energizing.

    Better self care -- diet, physical activity, sleep -- are better choices for self medication.
    40New30 and Boxer17 like this.
  17. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    So true
  18. Where am I?

    Slipped here and there the past week. Slipped with MO and slipped with other forms of self medication. Beer, mostly. I am eating pretty clean when I'm eating. Not living the healthy life I claim to want to live. Words don't mean as much as action. And my actions suggest I don't really mean what I say.

    Stewing on that.

    Lots of stress. Nearly 4 months in to this 6 months sprint for a promotion. Right on the edge of performance goals. Numbers don't lie. But the way the numbers stack you can interpret what you want to see. So the decision becomes political. I'm doubling down on my efforts but there is only so much energy to expend. I'm definitely not in work life balance at the moment. Actually, I never will be ... I like working .. but I'm way too far out of balance...

    Car broken into last week. $750 damage against a $500 deductible. What do you do with that? I have exactly enough coming in (with my ex and the g-man getting more than I do) from what I'm making to make ends meet and then that hits. A promotion would end that tightness but, fuck, it feels like I'm just slowly digging a hole.

    Lonely. But I've recently said "thanks, no thanks" to a couple of women in my life. Enjoyed their company. Miss it, actually. But I was giving too much of me up to have something less than I want. Feel good about it. But it has made for some lonely nights. But I am fully aware I am making the choice.

    And then I don't feel like I have much choice to make. You are young and you meet a woman. The world is yours. And you can paint the picture of how she fits into it. The world, at the moment, is most definitely NOT mine! I make more than I've ever made in my life and I really don't have 2 pennies to rub together. The boys and I didn't exchange Christmas gifts because I couldn't. We had a great day but it was hard when their mom showered them with gifts WITH MONEY THAT I WORKED for .... sigh. There's a light at the end of the tunnel but what a long fucking tunnel.

    Still moving forward. Just driving through the mud at the moment.

    bobjes likes this.
  19. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    This DOES sound like a very rough time. My heart goes out to you feeling like life is out of balance. Hope you get that promotion. It might help with the balance issues.
    My life gets that way and it's a little scary
    Warm regards to you sir
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Still in the game. Not much more I want to say.

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