Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.
That's key. Forget milestones for now and concentrate on progress. And find a new stress reliever.
Ok, folks. Seven days.
Such an interesting time. I think it took me more to get to 7 this time than the last time. And because I've been to 7 it doesn't feel like that big of a deal, but in some ways it is a bigger deal than it was before.
This is my first week out of the house and I miss the boys even though nothing is different yet than if I'd been at home. They are at school; I'm at work. It is just the feeling is all. But as I've come to find through this no PMO stage of life that errant feelings have the potential to wreak havoc.
OK, so far today, but aware that I need to be on my game.
Great workout this morning. Rugby practice tonight in the rain. Nothing more primal (or childlike!) than running with your tribe and wrestling in the mud.
This week has been a whirlwind.
It is my first week out of the house.
Monday I did a team based crossfit workout at the gym I go to, went to the office, showered and went for a 6 mile hike with a friend. My intent was to take my mind off having to be out of the house for a week without my boys. My friend happens to be an extremely attractive woman who happens to know about my addiction. If and when I work to some resolution on this whole marriage falling apart thing she is a candidate for something serious. Yes, bad timing. I fell asleep like a baby for the first time in months.
So Monday we hike. And talk. And hold hands. And talk. Just that.
Tuesday we hook up. Joy! The plumbing works! Not an A+ virile 18 year old kind of works, but it works. Everybody ended up happy.
Tuesday night my wife, soon to be (maybe) ex, calls and suggests that she may be having second thoughts about this whole separation to divorce thing. Me who was against separation and for working on things is hearing from the woman who wanted to go straight to divorce or if we separated being clear that she intended to date. And date she did. Many dates including the godfather of our youngest son.
My "life" which was basically split up amicably with my wife in a way that was less impactful on the boys while allowing both of us to move on has become complicated. Work on myself as well as well as multiple scenarios that might or might not include us staying together. My oldest son knows because he caught his mom talking on the phone with a guy during vacation, she told him it was me and he said "it isn't Dad, he and I are texting .... " So she told him on the spot we were getting divorced. She wanted out and I was all too happy to say "let's work but if you won't there's the door".
Anyway from clarity to fogginess.
Today, I raged. I was working at a Starbucks. It was just down the street from my beautiful hiker friend's office. The thinking was she could join me if she got off work on time. Instead of working and patiently waiting for her I installed Tinder on my iPhone, posted a couple of half assed ads on Craigslist, dove into looking at chicks on Match.com ... and got caught by my friend. She knows of my addiction and was none too happy with me. So in the midst of all of that falling apart I go back to the office and PMOd. Cause that would make it all better, right? Dumbass.
Why? Why did I blow my new streak? Or fuck the streak, why can't I hold it together? Why did I sully this friendship? Is it a way to push her away? Why push her away? Was it because I was afraid of someone getting close? Or was it because things that I thought were simple are getting much more complicated? Was it the stress? What causes a fucked up brain to want digital rather than the real thing (I know the answer from my reading but really? WTF?!)? Was it a huge chaser on the naked fun from yesterday?
Why do we do this stuff to the point we hurt other people? Why don't we care? Why don't I care?!
I've read somewhere else on here that every failure lets you learn a little bit more about yourself. I'd love to not learn the lessons I'll get from this one. Too many fucking questions with answers I am not going to like.
Wow, Rugger, your experience really hits home. Naturally, I can't say what the answer is for you (because I don't know you and I don't even have the answers to my own problems), but if it helps I'll tell you a little story I learned about myself right after my divorce:
A few months after it was final I started dating someone I knew from a few years before when we were both married. She was ridiculously hot, but we weren't right for each other and after some steamy sessions that she cut short right before the point of no return, we stopped dating. But I was still hooked on her, even as I started online dating (Match) pretty heavily. Finally, after a few months, I found someone I was pretty excited about. She looked like her online pictures (!), was charming and intelligent, didn't have kids, had a good teaching job at a local college, and owned her own home. And to top it all off, she was really into me and emotionally available. Yikes, talk about hitting pay dirt!
So what did I do? I went on two dates with her, then jettisoned the whole thing by going back to the fruitless pursuit of the first woman. I actually cancelled a date with the available one so I could go out with the unavailable one. My best friend (like a good best friend should) politely told me what an idiot I was, and all I could do was agree. I kicked myself a lot for passing on what could have been a great thing, but four years later I realize that I didn't pursue her for a reason. I wasn't ready to meet Ms. Right. I was not emotionally available. Not in the slightest.
Your situation is different. And we're different people. But if I had to hazard a guess as to what happened to you today, I'd say your subconscious is trying to tell you something.
I think you are right. I think my subconscious is telling me that i still have unresolved business with my wife (ex or not). My values tell me to stay in the marriage no matter what but my emotions conflict. The marriage as it was was unhealthy yet divorce seems such a failure with such a huge impact on the kids.
I think I am ready for what my friend offers, but I don't feel ready for it even without the conflicting marital situation.
No one can make the decision for me. it is actually 2 decisions:
1. Do I stay married if she wants us to continue?
2. Do I forge forward with a relationship with Alicia?
I feel as if I was making it a single decision "Do I stay married and end this nonsense with Alicia or do I end the marriage and move forward with Alicia?"
And both questions are answered by "rugged, get your shit together!".
Thanks for the comments. I am starting the day much calmer today.
quite a story, seems like you have a lot on your plate:
thought this might help:
Much of what you write about seems like a soap opera to me, you can't get the girl you like, so you seek out others via craigslist?
I experienced some "soap-opera" caliber stuff
A girl i dated contacted me for medical advice, I started talking to her a lot, again. She then took me out to dinner to meet her fiance, cause she needed his approval to talk to me.
he liked me
I have so many issues, i have no interest in this girl, I previosly stopped dating to go help my mom(different city) with her medical issues
a few months later, (continual contact with the girl, we are good friends at this point) I go to her wedding
I meet the sister, mother of 3 kids, married 12 yrs
fast fast-forward 3 months, seems my friend is banging her sisters husband...
divorces occur.....I don't talk to anyone now.
I sometimes think it was my fault, post-marriage, we(me and the girl) were going out to eat or driving somewhere and somehow it came up where I asked her, if she loved her husband or if she just married him cause she was 31 and wanted kids and he'd moved in the 3rd month of dating and never left so he was her LOP
---LOP..LOP least objectionable person that's what I call it, but I it really refers to TV,(before DVRS) where you watch a show because you can't find anyything else on, have no other choices, so you watch your PBS, etc a show you'd never watch IF you had an alternative
so she married him cause he was there and it was easy, then came along this guy(sisters husband) and he was a new option
I could have banged her,. but again, I had just no interest in her, my own issues.
Thanks for those articles. I read them and they were helpful. I need to read and reread them.
Thanks also for the insight.
I know I have willpower based on my diet and fitness commitment and improvements recently.
I can say all the right things as it relates to porn addiction but at this point I'm not doing a good job of acting on those things. Yes, I understand dopamine response and all that. But I have to have the wherewithal to make this a long, slow change rather than get hung up on abrupt change that includes answering all of the questions about my life all at once.
Easy to say, at least for now a struggle to do.
RD, sorry to read of your struggles. You've got a lot on your plate, and I don't know how I'd handle all of that. Keep hanging out here, though. You'll get the better of this thing. I do believe that if you can steer clear of the PMO you'll be in a better frame of mind to go after your other issues. Be well.
I've been putting off seeing a counselor to help me organize myself and my decisions.
Searched and searched and no one in my med insurance claims expertise in porn addiction. My thinking was that I KNOW about it. I need help in managing it as well as getting myself into a spot where I can make some sound decisions about my future.
I go on 9/17. I couldn't get in any earlier than that.
@Midge Totally agree. PMO is in the way even when I am not PMOing.
I did 3 things to move forward in the last 24 hours.
1. I reread TheUnderdogs posts:
My Thoughts On Rebooting http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0
The Top 3 FATAL MISTAKES Rebooters Make http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.0
2. I followed a link in one of those two posts and have changed to a spreadsheet format. My counter is still there in my signature but I'm going to focus more on the spreadsheet scoring format. Read: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=14584.0
I changed the MO column to CL. PMO or MO will go in the MO column. CL will including anytime I look at Craigslist, match.com, OKcupid or anything else of that sort. That stuff is a huge trigger for me.
3. I have schedule an appointment with myself Saturday after football to sit somewhere quiet and document my life vision. I have slowly turned this effort from a reorganize and improve my life by working toward a vision to no PMO! The more I focused on the no PMO the more it was on my mind ... the more it was on my mind the more I thought about it ... the more I thought about it ..... and as long as I'm thinking about it just once won't hurt ..
Good stuff, RD. We all take different paths, and this sounds like a good one. Carry on, brother.
Working on my personal mission statement, vision, etc. this afternoon. Rearranging my office so that my employees can see my screen from the hallway --- no surfing porn on CL at the office anymore -- and journaling as things come to mind. It is a slow process. But one filled with revelations.
1. My wife and I can only work if I change my behaviors (not all of them porn related), if she acknowledges and works to change her behaviors and we work together to change our dynamic. If those 3 things can't occur than divorce is the best decision we can make. I have not had clarity on that topic until today.
2. I don't have any place in my life for another woman until I get the first question clarified.
It is those two hard truths that I've been avoiding of late. Resolving them will be key to my moving forward.
I sent my wife an email saying essentially the following:
We agreed on a process that ultimately was meant to end the marriage. We are stuck. If that was the wrong decision we need to commit to individual counseling and to couples counseling. We need to do the hard work to make it work. We can not work without some hard work. If you won't go the counseling route then we need to end it well.
I didn't send it as an ultimatum but as a reality check.
It has been a roller coaster that has been difficult to ride. I need to know whether I am working alone or together. And I need to define who I am going to be and what my priorities are. I am doing that now. But I need to know if I need to make room for her or not.
We'll see how she responds.
I have spent most of the day working on my personal vision and mission statement.
It is the most exhilarating thing I've done on my computer in a long time.
It was hard work. And it is not done.
And then if it is policy I have to build the processes in my life to develop the routines to make it happen. That will be harder.
But as hard as it seems to be striving to live it seems much easier than just sitting around trying not to PMO. Because just trying not to is not living life.
If you haven't done one yourself I found this site to be helpful: http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/
I am so excited about my new life!
I feel a tide shift.
So much so that I changed the Subtject on this journal from: "Well look who is here .... UGH." to "I am so excited about my new life!".
Yesterday I spent about 10 hours working on my personal vision.
Today I've spent about an hour beginning the Recovery Workshop at Recovery Nation (http://www.recoverynation.com).
I am going to stop thinking about how many days I don't FAP and start thinking about the things I need to do to become a rebuilt me. I've read enough on here that I think those that are successful embrace this path and those that are stuck in the relapse and repeat cycle spend most of their time focused on no FAPing.
I've come to discover that thinking about not FAPing is a trigger to be tempted to FAP. But committing to 12 hours of hard emotionally driven personal introspection in writing a personal mission statement was one of the first times since I started this quest to get off porn where I not once felt tempted to FAP.
Thank you for everyone's support.
Great stuff, RD. And I wholeheartedly agree. I think the surest progress begins when you make that commitment to positive change in your life and you get so busy becoming the new you that the PMO trap starts losing a lot of its appeal. Strong progress, buddy--and in your relationship situation as well. I wish you all the best with that, too.
Last week I PMO'd. The week prior to that I PMO'd. The time between those two relapses was filled with nothing about thinking about how I could just go a little long without PMOing.
I changed my approach after doing a lot of reading. Instead of being focused on not PMOing I started the Recovery Workshop at Recovery Nation and started working on a personal life mission / vision. My days have been filled with deep thoughts and progress as I rearrange my life. I rearranged my work office as a first step in all of that. I've not thought much about PMOing. And I just logged on and was surprised I was at 5 days.
I think -- this little anecdote from my life -- is strong evidence that if we focus on rebuilding ourselves into better men rather than focusing on just being the same man who PMOs less we can be more successful on this journey.
Quoted for awesome truthiness. Way to go, RuggerDoug.
I was talking to someone and they asked me what had changed in my life.
what do you mean? what's different about me?
you are more "upbeat", more life in you, you seem more "on"
she's right, when I diet, stop wasting my time overeating/fapping, I go do things, I am more focused and clarity about life becomes better.
I'm dealing with food/Fap, I don't know how awful drugs must be,but I still get urges, I just deal with them as they happen
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