Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I have had a terrible couple of days preceded by another couple of bad days.

    Last weekend was my first under the separation. It was me and the boys. This week is our last in the house together. I am the one that goes away this weekend.

    Up until this week I've done pretty well, feeling my emotions and not blocking them out with PMO. This week ... still no P or O and not really any "M" (more like "m" as I would catch myself with my hands where they shouldn't be, almost subscounsiously). A technical rules violation that is going to cause me when I'm done with this post to reset the counter.

    So back to Day 1, with the counter set at 18 today, the reality is that my high water mark is realistically like day 16.

    I have discovered through this that there is power in routine.

    I did so well through this streak and others by staying with a common routine. The change in the separation game means that I have about 2 more weeks of changes until we set into a regular routine. That starts with me on for a week starting Monday. I'll do one week on, then one off. Off weeks I'll be living out of the house.

    This week being a transition week I didn't well following the routine I had set prior to this week. High stress plus irregular routine = BAD! Fitness, which has been so important to my reboot/rewire suffered. And I spent a lot of time thinking about what comes next .... which created cracks in my process.

    So this weekend my takeaway task is to write out a detailed two week routine that I can work from that includes the things I'll do each day of this two week rotation.

    Sucks. But it is progress of a sort.
  2. midge

    midge Guest

    Routines are helpful, RD, no doubt. Just dust yourself off, and on we go, brother. All will be well.
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    RD, you're doing great. In the short time you've been here, you've really seemed to take huge steps toward getting your stuff together and your life sorted out. I've been inspired by your determination. And your integrity.
    Just gain strength from every stumble and every victory.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    This weekend I was able to dust myself off, as Midge says.

    I am fascinated that just when I thought I got things licked I got bit.

    I spent a good deal of time thinking about that one over the weekend.

    I had no routine this week. That wasn't a cause but certainly put me into a spot where I had no defenses up. I'm working on fixing that this weekend. I'm not a creature of routine. Or I've always thought that. But in lieu of a non-PMO routine I have trouble with free time which then brings me back to my PMO days. And PMO for me WAS THE ROUTINE. So I need to become a creature of good routine. First lesson.

    Second lesson was a bit more difficult to embrace. I felt uncomfortable with my success last week. Not just my success of not PMOing, but dealing with things at home, fitness (I actually played in a Rugby game Saturday with a bunch of 20-somethings and held my own), work and so on. I've been able to hold off the pressure and stress of bad things the last couple of weeks but it was the stress of the good things that caused me so much trouble. Not sure what I'm going to do with that lesson!

    Thanks for the support for those of you that comment. It really does make a huge difference to know that I'm not alone in this. Hopefully I put something out there from my journey that helps someone else, too.

  5. Recovery11

    Recovery11 New Member

    Hi, you are doing well. When I went through my separation, both the ex and I were hooked on porn. It sure numbed the transition. We shared the same kindle account and she was buying these erotic novels - she was numbing out too.
    Luckily I had friends who helped me through the separation, the mental change took me a long time to recover from, speaking to other chaps who I could trust really helped. Another thing that helped was Alanon and AA. I joined AA to quit porn. I just replaced porn with booze when I shared at meetings. It though was not the same level of honesty I experienced when I went to some SAA meetings, there are many online.

    Good luck.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I just taped this quote to my laptop right below the keyboard:

    “Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”
    - Helen Keller

    I read it in another post on here and it feels so true for me.

    It is going to be my quote for the week.

  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Counter reset.

    I choose not to comment.

    Tomorrow will be a better day.

  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Back at it and in a good stance.

    Last week I got out of my routine and it sucked big time.

    I didn't realize how much of a routine my PMO was or how well my new life routine had become in defending myself against my old habits. Last week when the routine fell apart the old habits crept in. I only PMO'd once but it was a week of edging, catching myself in a fog or drifting. Just ugly all the way around.

    I've reloaded and come back at it.

    I'm working on documenting my routine in a tool called omniflow so that I'll always have a check list of what's next with me as well as projects and the like that I can do if I have down time. The goal is to have that completely implemented by the weekend.

    This is my week with the boys. Next week when I'm without them is the danger week. if I can get a routine down before then I'm going to be just fine.

  9. Lightning Man

    Lightning Man New Member

    Documenting your routine sounds like a smart move. Good luck.
  10. midge

    midge Guest

    Keep on rolling, RD. We're with you.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am still rolling along ...

    These days where I've struggled have been days when I've been in the office alone.

    Today I decided to got to a Starbucks and work. It is busy. I don't know a soul here, but somehow just being with people -- not talking, but just being in their presence with normal things going on for a Starbucks -- is calming. Of course, PMOing here would cause a scene! But beyond that I just think it is that social connection that matters.

    I think today will be a good day.

  12. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    yes it would!!
    I'd be like, DUDE< I KNOW THAT GUY!!

    Keep at it man,
    I told someone about my plans to lose fat(no one knows about the PMO) and he said, "why will you lose fat this time?
    I said, cause I really want it this time and will do what it takees to get it, be OBSESSED

    Hmmm I want coffeee NOW!
    [quote author=TheUnderdog]
    Step #3: Develop an indestructible belief in yourself

    One of the main reasons we quit goals is because deep inside we don't believe we're actually able to do it.

    When successful people like Arnold Schwarzenegger decide they want to achieve something, they become completely obsessed about it. They have an indestructible belief that they will achieve it.

    They are not affected by circumstances. They create results in their head before they even get them.

    This is what you have to do if you want to accomplish anything.

  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Boy that counter seems to be moving awfully slow!

    Last weeks meltdown seems like a lifetime away.

    Today will be a good day and an end to a good week.

  14. midge

    midge Guest

    Stick with the plan, RD. Those days will stack up before you know it.
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I started to have one of those freakout moments earlier today.

    I was at the office alone. I had a couple of stressful emails (not all bad stress as one was a request for new work from a client) that raised my stress just a bit. And then old mr PMO started calling for me to feed him.

    I checked the doors to make sure they were locked, the service room to make sure everyone was gone .. and then I emailed a friend who knows what I'm dealing with and admitted I was having a bad time of it.

    I then left the office, ate lunch in a busy restaurant (was planning on eating at the office alone) and then went to a sunny park and took a 30 minute nap. I am now at a busy Starbucks getting some work done.

    Crisis avoided!

    And I feel so good about it. I ended up taking a 2 hour diversion from the day's plan but I'm still PMO free. I also have a lot more self respect than I did when the whole thing started.

    I think its going to be a good weekend!

  16. Lightning Man

    Lightning Man New Member

    This is an awesome story. Good job, RD.
  17. Sidd

    Sidd Guest

    Hi RD and belated welcome

    You should be proud of yourself for how you handled that crisis. Keep it going, keep reading and posting. I don't know exactly why but it helps. I suspect it is mostly what you said about connection. We are social animals and we thrive in society. Porn isolates us and supports the false belief that we are an island. It also supports the false belief that we are not good enough. You mentioned something about being dissatisfied with your sucess at no PMO. That's a big realisation. This happens to me. I begin to believe in myself and something deep down says 'Hold on that's not who you are , you are the guy who fails ' etc etc and then comes awkward feelings gollowed inevitably by some self sabotage. This is generally at odds with my real life but nonetheless I buy it. Am getting better T recognising it and switching tracks, your post on Underdog and belief is very pertinent. See yourself as the guy who does, see yourself there at the end when you are who you want to be, believe whole- heartedly that you are going to be there and that you will do whatever it takes and without doubt you will succeed. Stay the course and Good luck.
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am heading to my first week out of the house.

    I travel enough for business that being gone a week won't be a big deal.

    I am concerned that I have enough things to keep me appropriately busy while I'm gone.

    Most of my thoughts today will be on getting ready to leave, making sure I have all I need and making sure that I have a full schedule and set of things to do to keep the PMO bug from rearing its head.
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    What is worse than my wife leaving me?

    Her having second thoughts!

    I'm getting ready to leave for my first week out of the house. She just finished. She is having second thoughts. I spent last week realizing two things:

    1. The addiction is all me. I started PMOing even as primal urge won out over my values. Just a few times turned into all the time. I did it for fun, for stress release, to fill a lonely void, when I was happy, when I was sad or just to mark time because I was bored.
    2. A good heavy dose of the stress in my life comes from her behaviors, my reacting to her behaviors and my attempt to avoid conflict with her. That stress leads to PMO many times. Again, the addiction is on me, but the marriage as it is structured and as it functions contributes to an environment where PMO is an easy relief.

    I'm not sure what I'll do if she really does want to come back.

    That is going to be a big question to ponder as things move on over the next few weeks.
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    And I gotta call it out .. but I'll hit 7 days tomorrow ... and I doubt I'll PMO in a strange place so when I come back home I'll be at 14 days .... 7 doesn't feel like the victory it was the first time I hit it but it feels good to keep climbing the ladder toward my goal ...

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