Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Florida22

    Florida22 Member


    Great spirit! Keep it up. Love the plan for exercise - it does help. Just went through a divorce - the NO PMO or P in general was a great help. You can do it!
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am still amazed that I get tired and start thinking about be when it gets to be about 10 pm since I've stopped PMOing.

    I used to "work late" and do a little work, do a little porn. I "work" less but that means I work more and get more done. And I actually get tired and have real nights of sleep. And that is contributing to real weight loss.

    Amazing how all this interconnects.
  3. RedPillRebooter

    RedPillRebooter New Member

    My wife would never drop an "F-bomb" in front of the kids, but she occasionally runs away (storms out) as well. The holidays always seem to be a sensitive time, too. Everyone is either really up or really down.

    When my wife's parents visited us years ago, her mom ran out (actually went for a long walk when she was upset, having no idea where she was going). I guess it runs in the family. Anyway, I can relate to a lot of your story. We're still married, though, and probably always will be if I don't pressure her too much about bringing sex back into our marriage. Talk about a rock and a hard place...

    I'm glad you came here. It's a tough fight, but worth it.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Bombarded with a ton of crap tonight.

    Find out that the guy my wife has been dating through this separation (we agreed that we could both date; I have not, she has, but that's ok because of the arrangement we made) is my youngest son's god father. Oh, that, by the way is NOT ok.

    Have a meeting tomorrow where I think she is going to drop that on my head. Fortunately I was told in advance by someone.

    I found out last night. I had trouble sleeping. I didn't FAP or anything else on the prohibited list.

    She's telling people I cheated on her multiple times. My PMO habit which included chatting and some cyber phone with God knows who is cheating to her. I crossed a line. I didn't honor her in staying mired in that muck. i couldn't tell you who those woman were. They were just 2 dimensional to me. But to my wife it was real cheating. And it was in the sense that it hurt her like it was real cheating.

    I own that.

    But to tell people that I cheated multiple times? She has no idea but some weeks I might have had 2000 partners given all the tabs I kept open.

    I think it might be easier to say my husband cheated on me rather than tell the world my husband is a porn addict.

    Anyway ...

    I'm anxious about the meeting tomorrow. It is just us but I know that an attorney has been coaching her.

    I can only imagine ... and that's going to keep me up.

    I had to tell my Dad about my addiction tonight. He lives in FL so it was over the phone. I needed him to know the entire rot in our marriage. Yes, Dad she's nuts, but I'm a porn addict. All these years and he had no idea. He listened, told me it sounded like I had my stuff together and I was working on it.

    And then he went right back to the matter at hand which was helping me prepare for whatever tomorrow brings.

    As this goes on these little cesspools that you think are going to just stink when you release them actually aren't nearly as bad.

    I am praying over confessing to my 17 year old son. At some point the way she is playing her hand out she is going to tell the boys I was cheating. She's losing the PR battle that goes with the split. My son (17) asked her when I fixed her car what she was going to do when I wasn't around to come up with $1500 to fix her car all the time. He said "mom you should get a sedan that is reliable". She went nuts on him. And then came searching for me because she thought I put him up to it. Nope. Just raised him to think.

    He's a solid kid, mature for his age. I don't want to put him in the tug of war. But she's using this cheating and porn thing as a weapon against me. My thinking is that if I confess to him I'll defuse the bomb when she throws it his way. But I don't want to burden my son with this AND lower myself in his eyes.

    In the moment you just don't contemplate the fallout of PMO.

    Good night gents!

    I will keep my hands to myself (well at least not in a way that gets me into trouble)!
  5. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    Dementia maybe? how old is she(your wife's mom?
    whoa, a marriage without sex,, I often wonder when my parents stopped having sex...My dad is always pointing out the ladies to me(he's 66)so he's not dead, but really, I know my mom is against oral sex, so he's never had a BJ.. whoa, they've been married since high school.
  6. RedPillRebooter

    RedPillRebooter New Member

    Wow, you do have a lot going on. As a Christian, I believe porn is wrong. You're right to "own that," as I have. I think porn could even be grounds for divorce if someone is unwilling to stop--or at least take steps to stop (like this site, seeing a counselor, getting an accountability partner, filtering software, etc.)

    However, I don't think it's the same as physical adultery. What's more, it's sometimes intertwined with very low-sex or sexless marriages, which complicates things. Quite a few of us here know about that, and I've read similar stories on other sites, forums and blogs.

    On a side note, I'd be curious what your wife thinks about women who get into "female romance porn" like 50 Shades of Gray. Does fantasizing about multiple male partners in those books = cheating multiple times?
    nuclpow likes this.
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    A very astute observation, RD.

    Your story is compelling to me. I lived a very similar reality 5 years ago. I'm sure you know there are more tough times ahead, but you are right on by saying that things aren't as bad as you anticipate they will be. At least most of the time. A woman who feels scorned will probably live up to the old saying (hell knows no wrath) for at least awhile. Just as people are sort of "out of their minds" when they're in love, they go a little crazy when the relationship is ending, too. When I was going through my year of fun, a friend told me that divorce forces you into a state of mourning for the dying relationship, but you're also forced into dealing with it in some form or another for years to come.

    It will get better. It just takes time.

    I'm thrilled to hear that you're steering clear of PMO. Trying to use it as stress relief backfires in a big way. I guess you wouldn't be on this forum if you didn't know that already.

    I wish you all the best. Find the healthy outlets that give you some peace from the noise.
    Exercise. Keep posting here. Talk to family and friends often.
  8. RedPillRebooter

    RedPillRebooter New Member

    She in her 70s now, but in her 60s at that time. I don't think she has dementia. Apparently she (my mother-in-law) was raised in a home without much love or affection. My wife has plenty of love/affection for our kids, and used to have some for me, but not anymore. Unfortunately, some attitudes and behaviors get passed from one generation to the next...unless you really make an effort to change them.

    Enough of my drama, though. I don't want to highjack ruggerdoug's threat. He has plenty of his own drama.
  9. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    I'm christian and I don't think porn is wrong, why do you? what's that based on
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @RedPillRebooter, thanks for the concern about the thread hijack. I was about to send a message asking how your mother in law ended up in my story!

    I'd love to get feedback on what you and others think about me telling my son given the back story above.

    But I'll accept a thread hijack for @leannfit's question.

    I, too, am a Christian and think porn is wrong. I'll gladly explain my position if you'll answer one question. As a Christian, @leannfit, how is porn right?
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Great day today.

    I hit 249 on the scale this morning which puts me 29 pounds down with 39 to go.
    I just realized my no-PMO is into double digits. I hit 10 days.

    I'm losing weight to make weight for a backpacking trip to Philmont next year with my sons. I'm on a 1 pound a week plan to make sure I don't lose too much strength or lean muscle mass. I'll be focused on it for the next 10 months.

    I have set my PMO goals along the same line. I've set my expectation for a success reboot and rewiring over that same time period.

    The two go hand in hand I've found. And when I'm about to drive myself nuts with the PMO focus I think about the weight loss and do something fitness oriented.

    Anyway ... not a cloud in the sky and the sun is shining, Rugger is a skinny shadow of his former self AND I've not had sexual relations with that man in 10 days!

    Have a great day guys!
  12. RedPillRebooter

    RedPillRebooter New Member

    I think you should tell your son. If you've read my thread, you'll know my wife caught our 12-year old viewing porn on his Kindle (using WiFi). I had a talk with him about it and admitted my past struggles (without going into much detail).

    A 17-year old is certainly old enough to handle it. I think it's the right thing to do on several levels. And yes, it probably will defuse him in case he hears about "multiple partners" from your wife.

    I'll wait for you and Leanfit before getting into a porn & Christianity discussion. As I said, I don't want to hijack your thread any more. In case you missed it, though, my wife occasionally "runs away" like yours and so does her mother. That's how it's connected to your thread.
  13. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    dude, you are inspring me!
    thank you
    I am not having any issues PMOing
    -sure I get bored and PMO would give me something to do, but i dont have an urge

    not eating is hard, so keep at it!
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Not eating is easy. Not drinking good hoppy IPAs is hard!

    The weight loss, clean Paleo diet and no PMO fit together extremely well.

    The old me would drink a beer, eat some chips, get a little frisky with myself and my harem of internet babes, feel like shit, drink the rest of the beer and eat the rest of the chips .....

    Focusing on fitness has blown that cycle up in a good way!
  15. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    what is a "clean paleo diet"?

    not eating is easy?
    oh, my bad, I thought millions being obese was because not eating is hard?
    I do agree, when you start exercising self-control about one thing(diet or PMO) it is easy to extend that to something else(diet or PMO)
    keep it up, man
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Signed a separation agreement with my wife today. Fair and equitable. It was her idea. And it was a good idea.

    We are nesting which means the boys stay in the house. She and I will rotate out. We both had parents that were divorced and feel that that is best for the boys. It will be hard work but it'll put the stress on us and not the boys.

    I am sad that 40% of my time with my sons will be cut out of my life.

    I am sad that she told my mother-in-law her side of the story. Mom's choose daughters over sons-in-law as it is; there were untruths told, particularly the one about me cheating with multiple partners. My mom is dead; my mother-in-law had largely replaced my mom. That relationship is likely irrevocably dead.

    I am certain my sons will hear this one day. My wife is going out of town this weekend as we begin our rotation in and out of the house. I plan on telling my older son that Dad is a porn addict and a summarized version of how that contributed to the marriage failing.

    Lots of stress this week and no desire to PMO. I recognize the times that my brain tells my hand to check on things. I've caught myself on an initial tug here and there but nothing that qualifies as M. I've certainly not O'd.

    I feel positive about where I am in regards to the no PMO pledge I've made for myself.

    I am deeply saddened by the wake of disappointment I have left behind. Our marriage is not failing solely because of my addiction and related behavior. But it certainly contributed greatly. This week I've confessed to my attorney, my Dad, a neighbor friend and his wife (I do retain my sense of humor because as I type that I realize how close it is to the theme from Gilligan's island), and coming up my son.

    I've altered many friendships and relationships.

    I've altered my living arrangement for the next 5 years (until my youngest graduates high school). That alteration means that it will be likely difficult to have a sustained serious romantic relationship with a woman because I'm 26 weeks in the house with the boys and 26 weeks not. I am not complaining. My boys sustain me. I choose them over that. I am just inventorying the impact.

    Other stuff too, I'm just not sure what.

    Oh, well, yeah, when I officially find out that the guy my wife has been dating is my youngest son's god father and I see him, a former friend, for the first time, I might have a thing or two to say.

  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    The Paleo diet is a whole foods diet with no grains. It is high protein, high fat and derives its carbs from fruit and veggies.

    By "clean" I mean I am strictly following it. I refer to it as a diet but it is a lifestyle change.

    Not eating used to be hard. That's how you build a small planetary body of 280 onto a 5' 9" frame.

    Cut the processed carbs out and up the fat and protein in the diet and for me not eating is not nearly as hard as some other things I am dealing with.
  18. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    thanks for explaining that!

    you are 280lbs at 5'9?
    I was at 267 in 2012, dropped to 180 by May 2013 and bulked to 250 by june 2014
    I'm working to get to 190 by December

    I am very much on board with how you eat. cept I eat a low-fat paleo, about .7g/LMB and low fat
    veggies, eggwhites, Pomegrante juice, some fruit(berries)
    weekly I eat a meal of some chicken and nuts(for the b12 and cause I like nuts)

    I have found that I feel better eating protein in only one meal,although I do get protein from the vegies/fruit
    I explain more here
  19. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    did you have a prenup when you got married?
    have your views changed on prenups?

    -seems like a good idea for the kids, not for you. nice to hear that a parent puts their kids ahead of themselves. I like that

    tough to talk about? My brother and I are close and he cannot talk about pron. My dad and I are close and we never talk about sex, although he is constantly pointing out gals to me.

    I'm the same way, no desire to M at all, but I adujust him sometimes and I feel him "waking" up upon occasion,

    while I agree that your "friend" should not have been an option for your wife to "date", did she leave you for him, did him being an option(branch) cause your wife to not work on your marriage and "swing away"?

    My analogy about the branch is women don't swing away from a man without having a grip on the next branch. they don't just leave someone who takes care of them, is there, etc unless they have somewhere to go.
    that's what I've found in my experiences. concur?

    what are you looking forward to in the future?
    next week?

    next month?

    BTW, you dont know me, if you happen to post about your "friends" information, something might happen....
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    The sun that is shining bright is the least shiny thing in my day today.

    I feel fantastic. I'm at 11 days. I'm incredibly more engaged in the conversations I'm having, in smiling at others and seeing them as human beings. I can still vividly remember times not that long ago where an hour of errands was a calculation about how to get back to the house quickly in time to have some PMO time. Now, I take my time and work through the errand talking to people and interacting with the world. Not so grumpy because waiting in line is just waiting in line not an impediment of me getting back to my online harem.

    Some good comments from yesterday that I want to comment on later, but no time because I have to set the world on fire and get a lot of work done today.

    I'll comment later tonight ... have a good day!

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