Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo thanks for the words of confidence.

    I discovered a huge loop hole rule last night.

    There so many of us on here that there are huge differences in our faith perspectives.

    Last night as I tossed and turned I realized that my longstanding block in my relationship with God was because if I had or tried to have any kind of prayerful relationship with him He would get in the way of my PMO. I hit the deck and prayed and admitted to that. I am certain that that prayer is a huge part of the reason I woke up so positive this morning.
    nuclpow likes this.
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I relapsed (somehow saying relapse inside of the first week doesn't sound right) at day 5 over the weekend. Tomorrow I'll be at 4. I had a great day today with no compulsion to step out of bounds. There's been stress and conflict with my soon most likely to be ex-wife. And some work things. Both categories of stress would have had me pulling and tugging not long ago. So I'm doing something right but I don't know that that is!

    here's to tomorrow!

    nuclpow likes this.
  3. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    Im reading also interested in what solution you have to more free time,

    is porn why you are separating from the wife??
    nuclpow likes this.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Porn is one of many reasons my wife asked for a separation from me.

    We were dating and got pregnant. She was diabetic and had no insurance. Rather than carry a baby (only option) without medical help in a high risk pregnancy we married to get her and the baby covered. We had been dating for less than 6 months. So we didn't start off on the right foot.

    She considers porn of any kind cheating. I married knowing that. And couldn't contain myself.

    So porn is a reason but not the only reason.

    The relationship is toxic. Starting off on the wrong foot like we did we never really built a structure as a couple. As I lied about the porn I lied about all kinds of other things.

    She drinks A LOT. And she is generally emotionally unavailable.

    Her method of dealing with conflict is to run away. One Christmas she had a conflict with our 3 sons because they were not being patient with waiting to unwrap gifts. She left the house to let us have our own "fucking Merry Christmas because you boys want to do it your way".

    I own a small business. I had a partner quit when the economy tanked in 2010 because sales were slow and profits were down. Instead of quitting he stopped working full time for nearly 18 months. End result was a weakened business, slow take home cash flow and a personal bankruptcy.

    I porn out when I'm stressed.

    So porn, lies, emotional unavailability on both our parts, anger problems, and financial issues all mixed up in a relationship of two flawed people who didn't accept that a lot of work was needed to make things work.

    I don't know where the problems started. Porn? Or did I turn to porn because of the problems? A little of both. I've seen that many of us that have porn have the porn as part of a bigger set of issues. Those issues attract us to porn and then just multiply the impacts of everything else.

    When I find myself with nothing to do I am doing the following (no particular order):

    1. Walking
    2. Holding / petting one of our dogs
    3. kettle bell mobility exercises
    4. I am (have not yet) getting some notebooks to write off of a keyboard
    5. Reading
    6. Bible study (Reading a 365 day devotional by Tony Dungy)
    7. Doing little odd jobs around the house

    But I find my list needs to be a lot longer!
    nuclpow likes this.
  5. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    I understand, and it does seem stopping PMO will greatly help you.
    I am interested in fitness/health, what is #3 about?
    I've been trying to find a good video about stretching, any ideas?
    Sheesh man, are those kids all hers and yours or from a previous relationship? SHe left during christmas? sheesh, man, you are def not all at fault.
    keep up the hard work
    nuclpow likes this.
  6. midge

    midge Guest

    RD, I like your spirit. You're in a tough situation, and you're taking great steps forward. Speaking of steps, walking is a great help--I'm a walker myself and it's been a big part of my fix. Keep that up. And remember that PMO doesn't solve any of those life-challenges you're dealing with; in fact, it's like putting gas on the fire. Clearing PMO out of your life will help you address those challenges with a clearer head. Wishing you well.
    Wolf333 and nuclpow like this.
  7. leannfit

    leannfit New Member

    well said.
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am clear I'm not 100% at fault. I own the mess I bring to the table. My mess makes hers worse. But it isn't all my mess.

    I could write a huge long post about the shit she's done and said over the years. For me though there's this. When she would go off I would try to reconnect. When she cut the connection off I would jump into the world of porn to compensate instead of addressing things correctly. My plan is to focus on me and our finances. If cleaning up those messes gives us traction to fix the marriage so be it. If not, I can land on my feet and be the best Dad I can be.

    We actually have 5 boys. Two are hers from a previous marriage. Three are ours from our flawed marriage. All 5 boys are awesome young men. Somehow in screwing everything else up we got that right.

    As for #3.

    I am 49 and used to be fit and fat, a 275 strength athlete who played Rugby with 25 year olds. My two oldest and I are going to Philmont with Boy Scouts next year. I have to weigh 214 to meet the medical qualifications. So in the midst of trying to whip this porn demon I'm trying to lose 65 pounds. I'm down 28 since mid June.

    Clean eating (google Paleo diet), Crossfit (www.crossfit.com to start) and lots of low impact walking and low impact stretching have helped with the weight. And I find the two goals fit well together. KB means kettle bells which I have learned to use through the cross fit that I do.

    Being focused on the weight and fitness helps me keep from obsessing on the porn stuff.
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    The coach that runs the Crossfit box I go to just posted this thought of the day. I think it applies to all of us here:

    You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
  10. Mr. Torrence

    Mr. Torrence New Member

    Hi RD -

    I'm a newb here as well. Just wanted to let you know your journal is being read and is contributing to the collective help of all of us who struggle with this....stay strong.
    Wolf333 and nuclpow like this.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member


    I'm poised to hit day 5 with no PMO tomorrow with no problems.

    I had to make a milk run tonight so the boys would have milk in the morning. With 3 athletes in the house and football two a days we kill about 10 gallons of milk a week.

    Even just a week ago I would have been surly with anyone I bumped into. I was so happy and chatting people up like the clerks I've seen there before that it was like I was running for mayor! Before I would have just been head down, get out of here ...

    I've noticed I'm much more relaxed in public. I've read some of the stories here. I'm not naturally socially anxious. I'm a natural extrovert. But this PMO world I lived in changed that dynamic. Even a trip to the store like tonight would have not been a happy errand.

    And because I'm a natural extrovert the conflict between that surly guy and the guy that wanted to connect with these people (but instead saved it for the porn) must have eaten a tremendous amount of energy.

    Just something I thought of as I left the store tonight. How much emotional energy did I burn up trying to be me when the addiction had me being something else?

    Peace guys! Hands outta the pants, eyes on the future!
  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Man, today is a difficult day. Lots of GOOD news and the stress from dealing with that is causing all kinds of internal conflict and misplaced desire. I should be doing sales tasks but I'm calling friends to check in instead. Going to get through the no PMO piece but I'm quite sure the day won't be so productive.

    And then tonight I have to go a to a previously committed fundraiser with the about to be ex wife. In the moment, particularly at things like that, she can be quite enjoyable. So once there it won't be so bad. But I don't have a whole lot of reason to want to be there with her tonight.
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Made 5 days pretty easily though I didn't think that as I was working toward the fifth day.

    As for PMO I'm in an ok space today. I feel no urge to PMO or even go in search of P.

    I do feel mightily lethargic. And I can imagine if I stop doing things -- right now I'm taking a break from yard work -- then the temptation to lay down and at least edge if not MO is going to break out through the lethargy. I feel sad today. And I experience sadness similarly to depression. I could MO, nap, eat, nap, MO the day away.

    I did have a killer workout this morning.

    But right now in the belly of the day each step is a heavy one.

    Back to the lawnmower.
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Days like today will come and go, RD. When pmo, or just MO, are relied upon in both the good times and the bad, like they have for so many of us, then it's especially difficult for us to abandon them. But those old habits make the roller coaster of life even more challenging. I am finding that the lows aren't quite as low, and the highs are higher, as I move along P-free.

    You're doing well. 7 days is fantastic! On to week 2.
  15. midge

    midge Guest

    RD, it's great to see you hanging with the program. Some of these early days can be rough going, but stick through it--it will get easier.
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @midge @mozenjo

    Thank you for the words of encouragement.

    Last night I gained stark insight into just how deep this goes.

    Are you familiar with the show Big Brother? Our family chose players and put down a gentlemen's bet to see who picked the winner. So we all watch it. There I am last night watching a very exciting episode. The stress of wondering who would win one of the competitions was enough for me to think about going to the bathroom to MO. No real repercussions. No real moment of personal fight or flight. And my brain is saying "go to the bathroom and MO and it'll help you handle the excitement better!"

    Knowledge about the issues has led me to have knowledge about myself. That knowledge is what is helping me get through this.

    A week is a week. On to a month!

  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Today, during the day was awful. Not focused. Constant buzz to PMO, MO ... just M a little bit .. running through my brain. Couldn't focus on work. I had a killer workout at the gym and then had a drink with a friend of mine to let him know about things falling a part at home.

    I'm sitting down right now to do some make up work until 1. But I wanted to check in here first. I don't feel that the urge will hit me tonight.

    But being online at this time of night isn't the brightest thing to do. Our CRM tools and a number of the things I have to do are in the cloud so the only way to catch up is to risk it.

    I'll log in and report on my success of keeping my nose clean (well not really my nose) when I'm done working around 1 am EST.

  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    For the record, I got no work done and did not FAP. I was 15 minutes into working late and just decided to go to bed!!
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Just read something profound:

    We have to open our minds to the plain fact that using porn, masturbation, and orgasm to deal with life is not what sex was intended for.
    nuclpow likes this.
  20. midge

    midge Guest

    Eight days down, RD. You're kicking it. I hear ya on the challenge of the triggers like that TV show. Each time you successfully get past one, you gain a little strength, and the urges themselves will lose a little of theirs. The effects accumulate and this thing gets a lot easier. Stay stay strong, pal.

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