Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    There's a lot to be said for putting one foot in front of the other even when you don't feel like it.

    In the mix this time around I have this fatalistic or hopeless perspective. My mom died at 65, I'm 58. My dad is still living well at 84. For years I've taken the long view. Lately it just feels like I'm in the final few chapters and there is nothing to really build toward. That's not quitting talk. It is I just don't know what I'm building for anymore. Things that I should be doing because they are the healthy or right things to do seem like work rather than an investment for the future. I don't see my future.

  2. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Mozenjo likes this.
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Rugger, as Caz says, the "third act" can be a tough one to envision. I can criticize my youngest son for not knowing what he wants to be when he grows up yet (he's 22 now), but I also don't know what I want to do when I start my next chapter. Our jobs can only provide so much satisfaction. We need more. I think you connect with friends a lot more than I do, and I've always admired you for that.
    I don't have answers, since I can't even solve my own problems, but I know that a woman may (just may) provide some relief to your malaise. You've dated some, and they weren't right for you. I went 10 years after my divorce before finding my gal, but if it weren't for our mutual friends suggesting it, I'd probably still be searching. I'm confident you'll find her, but in the meantime, keep doing the work you're doing. Cutting back or eliminating alcohol, good diet, exercise, just the basics. And whatever you and your docs come up with to help with the depression when it hits, I'm rooting for you finding a good solution there too.

    Thinking about you, my friend.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    What a great weekend!

    White water rafting with 11 friends including 2 of my sons.

    Extremely healthy weekend.

    @Mozenjo, thanks for the note. Too tired to think about it ... just got in from a 7 hour drive .. but wanted to tag in.

    path-forward and Mozenjo like this.
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, thrilled to hear from you! I hadn't in a while or seen you that high up on the posts, so I was hoping you hadn't disappeared!

    Third act, is it? I'm 58, and as I share with friends as I talk this through, I've lived 3 20s and I'm wondering what the next 20 is like. Since 4-20's gets me to 80 and 3 30's gets me 90, I'll take thirds!

    Actually, this weekend was a total recharge.

    I got punched out of the boat on a Class V rapid when we hit a rock. I was underwater for about 10 seconds, came up long enough for a breath and then got sucked under for at least as long. At one point when I'm underwater the thought went through my head that this pain could be all over if I just let go. I fought. It was a struggle to the surface and when I got to up I faced a 10 foot swim to our boat that camped in an eddy trying to support me. I got almost to the boat .. missed 3 paddles that were offered to me and grabbed the last one in a death grip. Had I missed that one I would have gone through the next rapid.

    Only time in the water the whole trip. But it was impactful. I never felt in danger but it is a dangerous river.

    I've gone through this last bout with the added weight of not knowing what my, "third act", is going to look like.

    I actually had no hope for the 3rd act.

    Living in this abyss with my mental health raging, my arthritis flaring and me self medicating myself through it all isn't much of an act. I don't know what it looks like or how long it lasts but the trip helped me commit to fighting and doing something about it.

    I started the therapy session with a request that he not let me drive the agenda. We have objectives that I want to stay focused on but I always drive the agenda. He said that sometimes he feels as if I'm trying to sell him something. I actually am. Sometimes I don't know what I'm selling or even that I'm selling it, but I like to stay in control. My staying in control of my therapy means more of the same. I've never so bluntly admitted that or had it laid at my feet like that.

    Anyway, in a good mindset. Took too long of a nap so now I'm up for awhile.

  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Nope, still here. For better or worse.
    Wow, that's quite an adventure you had!
    Good to hear. Epiphanies are great if we follow the signs they give us on a consistent basis. Consistency is what will get us past our funk.
    Man, this one hit home. "I like to stay in control" is I think our way of telling ourselves that we can do this without help. That if we fuck up, we'll fix it ourselves; that we somehow know just what to do. Well, do we? There's a difference between knowing what we need to do and cracking our own code for how to actually do it. But the code isn't all that complicated, really. Resetting every few days or weeks means we are letting our pasts shape our future. Kind of the human condition, but it's not getting us anywhere. Time to push through this. I'm with you on this.
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Meant to post Sunday morning:

    Great sleep last night. Helped move my son yesterday and was exhausted. Like a great workout. In fact I'm counting it as a workout!

    I did something last week that I wish I hadn't done but I'm glad I did, if not for the lesson it taught me.

    Hopped up on a high and some confidence from the white water trip, I dove back into the dating apps. I used mostly current pictures but snuck a pre-covid photo in there where I'm in better shape. The responses were fast and furious. I'm off now because the whole thing devolved right where it always goes leading me into the abyss.

    I'm down 13 pounds and have kept it off.

    I'm more active than when this mental health shit show kicked in.

    It was a bad move because it set me back and the counter shows.

    But I got a little bit of confidence in that if I keep working back to a more fit me the universe may open up a bit more, too.

  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I left my meds in one of my overnight bags from the whitewater trip. I just unpacked them today. Which means I've gone about 10 days without them. Depressed. My fault. My cleaners and I couldn't get an agreement on schedule because of some of my work travel so I have a cluttered space. Magnifies the depression. I am out of bounds on my routines and my commitments to myself.

    This is me calling myself out.

    Had a productive day even if it was work and nap for 14 hours instead of a solid 8 hour work day. Work from home is blessing and curse.
    Back on meds. It'll take a few days for them to kick in.
    Worked out last night. About to do it again tonight. The goal is to go through the motions and not kill myself. Do enough to check the box and build anticipation to do it again tomorrow.
    Reset. I have therapy Thursday night. Goal is to go PMO free for two days.

    I actually googled "how to trigger a hypomania to improve productivity" today. I wasn't the first one because there are articles out there. But that didn't help.

    Must get back to the routine and stay with it. Any deviation and it all goes to hell.

  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey there Rugger,
    Looks like a good article, but since I'm not subscribed to the Atlantic, I could only read the first two paragraphs.
    Wishing you well with your routine.

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