Morning coffee. Day 2 of the fast and I'm doing well. Slept horribly but woke up well. Very different than when I wake up after I've had drinks the night before. No anxiety. A habitual moment with temptation to fap but I moved beyond it. A tad sore from working out yesterday but for the most part that feels good, too. Zero temptation to drink. Had some moments with the phone where I started heading toward bad web sites and bad habits. That was from habit and from anxiety. Slept a lot because of the low energy from the fast which heled that from becoming a problem. Didn't go to church but did view part of it online. Shut it down b/c I just wasn't into it. I've been better; I've been worse. RD
Hi ruggerdoug, I have had bipolar 1 for years, first diagnosed in my early 20s. You need to get a proper diagnosis because the mood stabilisers like Lithium, Carbemazapine and Sodium Valproate really help. Problems with alcohol are really common in those with bipolar. Do you think you should first try to stop the alcohol before trying to stop the porn? Have you thought of going to a SMART recovery group (or attending one via Zoom)? You can look online for where there are meetings. Of if you are religious AA and SAA and similar organisations? It seems to me that you need more than just this forum. Of course this forum offers great support and ideas, but having a sponsor you can meet is even more supportive. The alternative is to go to an addiction specialist (or see one via Zoom). I did this and it was helpful.
I took the advice of one of you from the other day and am focused on getting the drinking under control before the PMO. The drinking fuels the depression and anxiety. The depression and anxiety fuels the desire to fap. The desire to shut off fuels the drinking. It's been two whole days since I've had an alcoholic drink of any sort. The worst thing is that I'm not sleeping well. Last night I put a sleep music channel from Spotify on and pretty much meditated the night away. I've always been the occasional binge drinker, but its never been the problem it is now. I used to have this confident masculine energy. I feel a tremendous lack of confidence. I feel my age. My lifestyle choices at the moment temper the feeling of strength I get from regularly working out, make me feel bloated. I could go on. I accept I am making bad choices. It is not that I can't help myself, it is that I am choosing to not help myself. I don't know why. I have some clues and hints. I'm looking forward to starting to work through this all with therapy on Thursday. RD
I feel like total shit. Someone suggested I put the drink up and then work on the porn. Done! At least for 4 days. I feel like I have the flu and am not sleeping. From what I've read that's pretty normal. I've looked at a couple lists of what is normal and I'm not experiencing any of the more severe symptoms. Usually you break through on the other side at 72 hours. So I'm clear of that ... but I still feel like a total shit bag. I've really had no thirsty temptations. Dinner at my son's last night and everyone drank water. No work events this week. I have fallen off the PMO wagon. I did prior to the drinking clean the phone but I've fapped everyday as I work through the flu like feelings. I reset tonight; therapy starts in earnest tomorrow and I can use my therapist as an accountability partner. So I'm going to take step 2 and try to focus on no PMO as of this reset. @mailboxsam, thanks for your support! RD
It must be difficult to deal with 2 addictions, with one fueling the other. I hope you can find a good strategy to tackle this
@Gil79, thank you for the note! Quite the day. Good news is that I'm 4 days without a drink. And 2 hours over 1 day on the PMO counter. Still feel like shit. I have arthritis from my hips down. Blood pressure rises can inflame it. Drinking raises blood pressure. But you know what else raises blood pressure? Stopping drinking if you are over using. So I'm hobbling around now as a part of the investment in cleaning up. It'll go away. I can already feel it receding. Therapy tonight. Last session was just intake. I did therapy with this man for about 5 years, on and off. He did me a solid the last time around. I walked away from it 2 years ago. He still remembered by sons names, key details about me and my life. It was a warm session. Three goals: 1. Find out the source of the pain I keep running from and self medicate because of. It's a childhood something. I have a better idea this time around about the source. 2. Successfully diagnose the mental health issues and put a treatment plan together, including getting the right meds involved. 3. Understand how to navigate the roller coaster of ups and downs I have ... not manias and depressions but the take care of myself, don't take care of myself .. that modulate sometimes with the mental ups and downs but sometimes are counter to them. I've not had an inkling of a craving for a drink until a little tickle tonight. Hobbling around like I am is a good thing. I don't want to drive and walk the beer aisle. I don't want to door dash it and go through it all over again if I over indulge. So sober tonight I will stay. RD
Mid day work break. Finally slept last night. Best night of sleep in a week. The flu like symptoms are gone. 5 days without a drink and I feel fine.
I must confess I just ate a pint of dark chocolate ice cream. No beer. No porn. Not a bad replacement actually. 5 drink/2 PMO is the current score. I'll have to remember the drink meter runs 3 days ahead of the PMO meter. @DBA, I realize group therapy or a program like one of those may be in my future. Ask @Mozenjo, he'll tell you I usually come up with these huge grand plans that quickly fall under their weight. Your advice to give up drinking first and then work toward porn was helpful. I do have a grand plan! Always! But I'm implementing one step at a time. This time around my work needs to have some consistency and duration. Tortoise wins the race and all that. @mailboxsam, therapy was tremendous. I journaled a bit about it up above. I've always felt that he would be a friend if he wasn't my therapist. Haven't seen him in two years and he remembered where I live, my boys names, my dog and a bunch of details about my life. Maybe he's just gifted but I'd like to think he doesn't remember all that about everyone. I felt generally cared for and we schedule 4 appointments even though he isn't supposed to be scheduling in October yet. Again, that felt good, too. He bent his schedule to work me in and then that care and concerned just continued. I set 3 objectives for us to work through. I'm sitting here tonight sober with ice cream breath because I don't want to see him in two weeks with a bender in the timeline. I was his first porn addict. I don't share his name because I've shared with him a lot of the resources I've discovered over the years including this site. He sees a lot of us now. Anyway, it was good. Dinner with my boss this evening. Things have turned well enough to feel like the pressure is off. I'm feeling good. Already feeling restless about sleep tonight. But I'm resolute that I won't drink myself to sleep or fap until I snooze. RD
Morning coffee. I ended up sleeping great. I've learned to listen to sleep music on Spotify and from skills I've picked up on Headspace if I can't sleep I just meditate through it. And then that makes me fall asleep. I was up and down but slept in. As good a nights sleep as I ever get. Went to be last night thinking that I had finally hit flatline but this morning woke up with some life down there. Had to navigate around the temptations. Done this before so I welcome when flatline truly kicks in. Then it is just habit and mental issues you are fighting and not actual physical. But evidently we aren't there yet. It is crazy. Commit to 90 days and on day 3 there is a little bit of life that didn't happen when you were fapping daily. And you can't leave it enough alone. It is so easy to drag ourselves back into the abyss. Not much structure this weekend but a lot to do. So it is just a matter of keeping at the to do list, taking some healthy relaxation breaks and working through it. RD
Wow two hugely positive posts. so glad you have a good relationship with your therapist. I have a very good relationship with my psychologist too. Haven’t seen her in a while - I ran out of money - but I can feel Myself going back soonish. She did refer me to a psychiatrist - that particular one didn’t go so well for me.
Rough day on the PMO front. My arthritis is still raging which means at the moment a swollen ankle and foot. There were days when I was younger that I would tape it up and go play something. These days are not those days. Supposed to white water next weekend. I would not be safe on the water like this. So I am intentionally hanging out at home, working through a list of things, taking it easy and mixing some ice baths into the day. A week ago, there's be beer cans everywhere. I feel not the slightest tug to go get or to Door Dash any. I'm solid on that front. But the PMO front even with these hints of flat line is a fight. Random text from a woman I've been out with before that included pictures I was better off not seeing. I'm not sure what I'm feeling ... nothing? boredom? sadness? .. I don't know .. I don't feel numb but I can't name it .. Sometimes I can discern the differences but I can't label it today. Whatever I am feeling it is tugging me toward something in the world of PMO. RD
@mailboxsam, thanks for the visits and the encouraging words! Do I start out optimist or pessimist today? The glass is holding half of what it can hold but is it half full or half empty? The empty I woke up this morning with my phone like it was an ex-girlfriend. P & M, but caught myself before it lasted long or ended in the O. Reset. Good night of sleep. More habit than desire but it happened. Sucks. My arthritis is now flaring in just one joint. It hurts like a bitch. The full I hit this evening without a drink and I am at 7 days. I have options close by to buy beer. One of my favorite craft breweries is a 10-minute door dash. My dog is welcome at a growler store that has some awesome rotating taps. So many options and none of them are going to be chosen. I feel very strong because of how resolute I've been at my drinking pledge. And that resoluteness has given me a reward. I'm 13-pounds down from my Summer high and 10-pounds down from when I stopped the binge drinking. Beer is nothing but a liquid loaf of bread as far as calories. And most nights Door Dash came to the party at some point. My arthritis is now flaring in just one joint. If it continues to improve I'll be able to white water next weeknd. RD
It has been an ok day. Been thinking about why as an extrovert I isolate myself so much. My son invited me over for football yesterday and I took a pass on it. Didn't drink. Or binge porn instead. Read a little. Worked a little. Experimented in the kitchen a little. Babied my ankle a lot. Could have gone out on a date and I turned that down, too. Why? Truthfully, walking around for me and with me would be miserable. I am hobbling like I have a high ankle sprain, but watching football wasn't going to require a lot of walking. Or any drinking. I just don't know why I prefer to be by myself, even though ironically, I'm pretty bad at it! I like to cook. I've been looking for some easy, yet tasty new recopies that are easy and inexpensive, particularly with pantry ingredients that can hang around a long time. When I get depressed I eat terribly which contributes. So I made a Cacio e Pepe with butternut pasta and chicken and Fisherman's eggs. Both meet the mark for easy, inexpensive and pantry stable, so they are in. I've got a new one for each meal tomorrow set up. That was a great distraction from the temptations. RD
