Truth. I'm out of shape and drinking too much, too. We need to change that now. Resetting hurts, and it should. It's the reason we use the damn counter. It keeps our goal in our face.
At some level all of this is a self control issue. Today, I feel like I have none. No self discipline. Up until college I didn't have to study to get A's except in a few classes like Physics which didn't interest me. College kicked my ass b/c I never really learned to study. I've always been smart enough to do a lot without much effort and durable enough that I could muscle through it if extra effort was required (like staying up all night 2 or 3 nights in a row to get a report done). I would lift weights in the off Rugby season and was always athletic enough to catch up on fitness when practices started ... except I was never fully Rugby fit until the last couple games of the season ... I could drink too much on an important night before something and then get up and be fine the next day. I could not get ready for a backpacking trip and be more fit than the rest of the guys. Not these last couple of years. Life is kicking my ass and my lack of self discipline has to be overcome. I've kind of stopped PMOing and had a date stay over the other night. Things kind of worked ... But I've not really stopped. And I'm still drinking which contributes. I found two beers in the fridge cleaning it out yesterday. Had them -- the old just one or two won't hurt -- last night after JUST THAT DAY committing to stopping drinking for 90 days. Beer led to a few fingers of whiskey. Fapped this morning to shake the cobwebs out. And then when I checked my blood pressure it was through the roof. Just beautiful. I didn't spend the day kick myself. I shook it off and lived the day like I had planned to live which was very productive on personal issues. Yesterday, I committed myself to a hard mode 90 days that I planned on starting today. Yes, so my lizard brain said to me last night ... I know you hadn't planned on drinking tonight but you did find those two beers. Why waste them when drinking them won' t break your hard 90 commitment - it doesn't start until tomorrow! He's so helpful that way ... Anyway, hard mode started today. 90 days No PMO, no M (tough one), no O alone (meaning as part of a date is ok) Carnivore diet for 30 days (elimination diet which the nutritionist suggests will reduce the inflammation) and then moving to bringing fruits and veg into. Daily metrics and fit bit focused on exercise, reducing blood pressure, correcting my poor sleep. Dr. wants me to journal and I have not consistently. Lift 3 days per week; move (includes walking the dog) 45 minutes per day. Meditate with headspace daily. Bedtime is 11 - 8. Do something everyday that balances out my work first lifestyle. And journal here daily. Feels like groundhog day. Thing is with the blood pressure thing in the ring this time we are in season the rest of my life. I can not afford to sit down and let things chart their own course. But then that's how I do things best -- under pressure. RD
One day in and all is well. The week ahead intentionally has no work evening social events. I'll be able to work a good week and balance it out with plenty of time for my self. That raises the chance I get off to a good start. RD
Yes, starting now, Rugger. I remember my sister telling me once that she had no self discipline, since she was trying for years to shed her extra weight. But she turned the corner a couple of years ago, and has been at a healthy weight since. I'm really proud of her. I think we can both take that example as proof that we don't have to resolve ourselves to living lives of desperation. Self discipline is a muscle that needs to be worked daily, or it atrophies. But it works hardest when we are relaxing and taking our eyes off the goal. It's really just laziness when you think about it. Whatever will get you over the hump and stop the cycle of go, go, go, then crash!, that's the elusive ticket. But it's only elusive if we keep thinking it is. The appetite for self destructive behavior can change. It can and will. Have a good, clean rest of your day.
@Mozenjo, thanks as always for the wisdom. Morning coffee. Two days in and things are still well. Some temptation and touching yesterday but no porn. No alcohol in the house and I'm not tempted to run out and get any any time soon. Nothing social scheduled this week so I should make the weekend pretty easy. Focusing on spending a little bit of time each day improving my townhouse. It's getting to a point where I feel good to be in it. It is becoming sanctuary. I've had people over in the last couple of weeks. I've isolated myself mentally through all of this and that was a breakthrough. Staying out of the beer cans and the companion door dash late night, I've dropped 7 pounds since Sunday. All water weight but a loss is a loss at the beginning. Wonderful date Friday night looks like it isn't going anywhere (I found out after the fact that divorced actually means kind of divorced or separated and maybe divorcing). But it was wonderful enough -- she wasn't the one, even before I knew the kind of divorced thing -- to want me to get out and met people. Plan is to make a list of things to do / places to go that don't involve drinking and pound those out on the weekends. I feel good. RD
Morning coffee day 3. Slept in today. BP good. No morning wood or morning test. Not exactly into flatline but getting there. A couple difficult situations are threatening. Had a fall back to move forward issue at work that is bugging the shit out of me mentally. My #2 didn't want to be my #2 but rather have is own department. We've gone round and round over the last 18 months. He does something highly specialized and, even with huge recruiting dollars spent, we can't find a replacement. Things got so bad our exec council decided to remove him from my department and put him in the one he transferred in from along with his employees. His dream of a separate P&L are gone and he's not my problem any more but on the surface I'm the loser in the game. I lost 1/3 of the business I was responsible for and bonus / salary considerations are figured from the size of your book. It will hit me in the wallet. This happened 2 weeks ago. I feel like I lost. And the way it went down it felt humiliating. I think it is better in the long run. It is why I've found it easier not to drink at night as I was trying to self medicate that stress. My stress levels are much lower. And they are having me work on an initiative that will be a big promotion if it happens. I couldn't make that initiative work with him in the way. Emotionally, I am furious at times and sad at times. Intellectually I'm fine. I've partially checked out of work. I'm not as enthused by some of what I was doing because I feel so dissed. I'm aware I've got to get over it and move on. Fortunately, getting his ass out of my way has let me feel my way through this without my normal self medication. Last night before I fell asleep my brain just churned on it. I need to let it go and stop the churn.
RD. Your journaling is truly wonderful in the way you push yourself to think deeply and express your feelings candidly - no matter with good days or bad. very inspirational! I need to journal more but admit I find it very hard to be consistent during tough times keep it up! And keep fighting the demons of PMO addiction.
3.5 mile hike this morning on a sunny 19-degree day! Very emotional week last week because of some work related things. I need a break. Fortunately, I'm traveling the next two weeks. I always find my time on a plane to be relaxing (is he napping or meditating?) and mentally / spiritually fruitful. I don't try to work or stay connected. Sometimes I read but usually I just chill. I need to chill. Rock solid on the no PMO. No O. Not so solid on the M. It is more out of habit than need. I'm mindful of those moments where I start to touch and stop. It is declining but that's some work. Haven't been to the gym like I should. So I'm behind there. But I'm keeping a better life balance which is helping. And my blood pressure and other health related things are improving even though the weight isn't coming off like I want it to. (That's the damn old age kicking in. Doing what I've been doing with my diet even 5 years ago I'd be down 20 pounds, I'm now down about 5ish). All of this is a big Gordian knot. I am confident that I'll be physically more healthy at the end of the year than I was at the end of last (already true, but I mean fit v. not fit). That focus is going to both require everything else to fall in line and in the end will help with the dysfunctions my addiction has created. So for a 1-week in report I'm doing pretty good. Happy! RD
Slept in today. Good sleep means a good start to the day. Not much else to report. Everything is pretty steady. RD
Back from Houston. I generally do well traveling except for the drinking (the expense account at my level is a hand grenade without a pin!) but this trip was clean across the board. Came back and have been a bit too handsy with my self today. But no P or O. No binge drinking. I'm ok. I feel the need to reset and tighten things up but that almost feels self defeating because I'm making a lot of progress. But then again I said hard 90 monk mode which I've certainly not been there ... Made it through my first 60 minute lifting session today ... I'm going to be sore as hell tomorrow .. but I'm thrilled I'm showing progress there. Was supposed to have a date tonight. Just a reconnect casual thing with Wendy who I dated through the pandemic lock down. Evidently she drank too much last night and didn't wake up today until 6 pm. Not going out. Perhaps that's a good thing and a reminder about why we broke up. So just at home reading a bit .. thinking a bit .. RD
Resetting. Woke up in the middle of the night last night and got out of bounds. Frankly, I was giving myself an out with the M which is why the next step last night was easy to make. Feel rested though I didn't sleep well. Woke up several times with a torrent of to dos that I have to get done. As soon as I got the coffee brewed and poured and hit the keyboard things are fine and I'm not anxious. Its not all in my mind but it is all in my mind! Good workout yesterday. I feel like this focus to getting fit -- now that I'm healthy enough to contemplate it - is the path to correcting much more than the fitness. Out to Wichita tonight so a few more flights to continue pondering. The time with myself has been useful. RD
Can't sleep. Went to bed early, slept for about 2 hours and then wide awake. Started this and then finally went to bed. Didn't fall asleep until almost 5 am; woke up at 1. I feel wrecked. I've been struggling with curing my mental health for about 8 years. Coming here was an early part of that. Continuing to come and go from here is a continual part of that and helpful. I struggle with being a porn addict, a work addict, an alcoholic (though I'm having trouble admitting to that one above all the others) among other things that don't have labels. I've stopped exploring why I regulate my emotions through my addictions. I admit I do and have no plans to figure out why at the moment. (Reading that before I hit Post makes me realize what a dumb decision that is ... I will likely change that thinking). I'm lonely. The women I connect with are not women I want to be with on a lifetime basis. Women my age who are out of shape and done growing in life are unattractive. Younger women who are risk takers and ambitious expect more than I have to give. I can't buy enough trophy for the wife nor even get it up to the point I'm all that satisfying to be with. Like attracts like and I've attracted some crazy women. I imagine my baggage comes off as crazy to many who have no interest in me. That leaves a small hidden population of women, age not an issue, who will love in spite of my faults. Those two or three women have yet to show themselves! It is a fact of modern dating. She wants grace for her faults and failings but has no grace for yours. To not share your invisible faults to just keep a relationship dynamic means you never have all of each other. THAT was the loneliness of my marriage. I'm physically unhealthy. Though that is improving I'm a physical mess. I am back in the gym and the health issues are improving. But I'm at this point a fat ass who can't get an erection which adds to the problem above. There are so many things in play -- good and bad -- in my life right now though some of the good things bring there own stress. Both the stress of managing the issue but also the stress that I feel I don't deserve the good things. For the good - I have to focus on being more grateful about those good things even though deep down I don't believe I deserve them -- I have 3 great sons whom I have good relationships with, a few close friends, a fantastic dog, a nice place to live, a great job and a great team to make the great job enjoyable. We are going to spin that team out of the company into a separate start up and I'll be the CEO and have equity. Equity will give me the safety net that's missing from my retirement plans. For the bad -- there have been some work decisions as we position for the spin off that have been emotionally difficult. Even while we are planning this new business b/c leadership has a lot of confidence in me a very public decision was made that on the surface feels hamulating and disrespectful. On top of that I might have to cut a staff member or two based on the math of this change. I'm ready to date but can't find the woman that I fit with. To make matters worse I've had a lot of "at bats" the last couple of months -- a divorced woman who wasn't divorced, Wendy who won't even grab dinner and a drink without my committing to a long term relationship with her and moving into her home, the seemingly normal woman I met online who turns out lost her job as a teacher because the school district found out about her OnlyFans account (I googled the details; she was national news for a moment) ... The divorced woman that wasn't (was a month of phone dates before we went out for one of the best old fashioned dinner dates I've been on to it being done and then within a week she went from divorced to kind of divorced to not really divorced to my husband knows to gotta go!). So much head trash that I can't seem to get out of my way. RD
Grabbing dinner with a friend tonight. I'm looking forward to it. Spent the day cleaning at half speed but its a start. When I hit these swarms of anxiety and depression I self medicate but then I also self loathe. I don't deserve nice things and I almost work hard to prove it by letting my place go to hell. My boys can come in the house and instantly know the mental health report. It also serves as a great reason to not have anyone over ever. I'm lonely and I own that part of my behavior isolates me intentionally. Just got back in from walking the dog about the longest walk I've given him in weeks. The sun is shining. Sky is incredibly clear and blue. Warm enough for shorts, cold enough for a winter pull over. Walking was helpful to getting my mind a bit more right. I'm heading in the right direction. I feel more positive than I did this morning. And that note from this morning is about the most positive I've been over the last week. This really isn't about porn at this point but the poor foundation I have with my mental health at the moment. Work to do. RD
Morning coffee. Writing this to remember it. Good dinner and great conversation last night kept the depression, anxiety and self medication out of the rest of the night. Multiple places I could have grabbed a beer or a six pack for home on the walk back from dinner and wasn't tempted in the least. Came home, read a book, went to bed. Pretty boring stuff ... but healthy ... because the social time put me in balance. This is a thing to remember. RD
It's never a bad idea to question why we continue destructive behaviors, but after reading your thoughts over these last 8 years, I think you've identified them pretty well, Rugger. Not feeling like you deserve happiness has been a common theme. And no matter how many times I and others may tell you sincerely that you absolutely DO deserve all the happiness life has to offer, you have to believe it yourself. You're smart enough to know that, but can also outsmart yourself by continuing to question it by relitigating your past. I'm certainly guilty of that myself. One thing I know for sure: overcoming our addictions may not solve all our problems, but it will definitely help! The addictions long ago took on a life of their own. The reasons behind them starting in the first place are ancient history. Which belong in the past. I know that's easy to say, but just forgive yourself and whatever people and circumstances contributed to these feelings, and move on. You're an amazing guy, and there is a very lucky woman out there waiting for you. Yep. See above. Yes!
I'm coming back here on the regular so I'm still fighting. My mental health is a wreck at the moment and not giving me a very good platform from which to get my self together. Calling my old therapist and going to go back to that. Plus I'm going to schedule a doc visit and discuss getting some meds to help with the anxiety and sleeping. The chain I'm dealing with at the moment Time for bed Lay down Brain won't shut off (anxiety) Don't sleep M to go sleep Sleep a little and wake up tired M to wake up Have some drinks to at least have poor sleep Wake up feeling like crap and M to feel better I'm not going to change that pattern without some help. I'm a walking zombie during the day b/c my sleep is so poor right now. And then that, of course, raises the anxiety which I bring to bed with me every night. RD
Is there any way to just accept that you don't sleep, so you don't have to fall back on M and drinks? Can you accept that you have to face this suffering, sit it out and find some healthier ways to kill that time (reading, going for a walk)? If you leave out the drinking and M, at least you don't reactivate yourself in the middle of the night, cause this messes up your biological clock as well. Hope you'll find a way to get into a rhythm of good sleep. Good sleep is the best medicine for everything
@Gil79, thanks for the different perspective. Acceptance sounds like a better approach than the one I'm taking now. I wasn't thinking like that about it. Thanks. Actually, got good sleep last night. Did not wake up anxious. Did not M this morning. Hiking with friends in a little bit. This day is starting out right. RD
Yesterday, was a good day. I hiked in the morning, got some house chores done, napped and read. Not much else. Slept well again last night and woke up this morning without anxiety. Up now with a coffee planning my day. I do have some work things that must get done. Two days of calm and the anxiety has receded. I need to find a better way to do the workday I think. RD
