Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Truth. I'm out of shape and drinking too much, too. We need to change that now.
    Resetting hurts, and it should. It's the reason we use the damn counter. It keeps our goal in our face.
    Boxer17 and path-forward like this.
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    At some level all of this is a self control issue. Today, I feel like I have none. No self discipline.

    Up until college I didn't have to study to get A's except in a few classes like Physics which didn't interest me. College kicked my ass b/c I never really learned to study.

    I've always been smart enough to do a lot without much effort and durable enough that I could muscle through it if extra effort was required (like staying up all night 2 or 3 nights in a row to get a report done).

    I would lift weights in the off Rugby season and was always athletic enough to catch up on fitness when practices started ... except I was never fully Rugby fit until the last couple games of the season ...

    I could drink too much on an important night before something and then get up and be fine the next day.

    I could not get ready for a backpacking trip and be more fit than the rest of the guys.

    Not these last couple of years. Life is kicking my ass and my lack of self discipline has to be overcome.

    I've kind of stopped PMOing and had a date stay over the other night. Things kind of worked ...

    But I've not really stopped. And I'm still drinking which contributes.

    I found two beers in the fridge cleaning it out yesterday. Had them -- the old just one or two won't hurt -- last night after JUST THAT DAY committing to stopping drinking for 90 days. Beer led to a few fingers of whiskey. Fapped this morning to shake the cobwebs out. And then when I checked my blood pressure it was through the roof.

    Just beautiful.

    I didn't spend the day kick myself. I shook it off and lived the day like I had planned to live which was very productive on personal issues.

    Yesterday, I committed myself to a hard mode 90 days that I planned on starting today.

    Yes, so my lizard brain said to me last night ... I know you hadn't planned on drinking tonight but you did find those two beers. Why waste them when drinking them won' t break your hard 90 commitment - it doesn't start until tomorrow! He's so helpful that way ...

    Anyway, hard mode started today.

    90 days
    • No PMO, no M (tough one), no O alone (meaning as part of a date is ok)
    • Carnivore diet for 30 days (elimination diet which the nutritionist suggests will reduce the inflammation) and then moving to bringing fruits and veg into.
    • Daily metrics and fit bit focused on exercise, reducing blood pressure, correcting my poor sleep. Dr. wants me to journal and I have not consistently.
    • Lift 3 days per week; move (includes walking the dog) 45 minutes per day.
    • Meditate with headspace daily.
    • Bedtime is 11 - 8.
    • Do something everyday that balances out my work first lifestyle.
    • And journal here daily.
    Feels like groundhog day. Thing is with the blood pressure thing in the ring this time we are in season the rest of my life. I can not afford to sit down and let things chart their own course.

    But then that's how I do things best -- under pressure.

    path-forward and Gil79 like this.
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    One day in and all is well.

    The week ahead intentionally has no work evening social events.

    I'll be able to work a good week and balance it out with plenty of time for my self.

    That raises the chance I get off to a good start.

  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, starting now, Rugger. I remember my sister telling me once that she had no self discipline, since she was trying for years to shed her extra weight. But she turned the corner a couple of years ago, and has been at a healthy weight since. I'm really proud of her. I think we can both take that example as proof that we don't have to resolve ourselves to living lives of desperation. Self discipline is a muscle that needs to be worked daily, or it atrophies. But it works hardest when we are relaxing and taking our eyes off the goal. It's really just laziness when you think about it. Whatever will get you over the hump and stop the cycle of go, go, go, then crash!, that's the elusive ticket. But it's only elusive if we keep thinking it is. The appetite for self destructive behavior can change. It can and will.
    Have a good, clean rest of your day.
    path-forward likes this.
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, thanks as always for the wisdom.

    Morning coffee. Two days in and things are still well.

    Some temptation and touching yesterday but no porn. No alcohol in the house and I'm not tempted to run out and get any any time soon. Nothing social scheduled this week so I should make the weekend pretty easy.

    Focusing on spending a little bit of time each day improving my townhouse. It's getting to a point where I feel good to be in it. It is becoming sanctuary. I've had people over in the last couple of weeks. I've isolated myself mentally through all of this and that was a breakthrough.

    Staying out of the beer cans and the companion door dash late night, I've dropped 7 pounds since Sunday. All water weight but a loss is a loss at the beginning.

    Wonderful date Friday night looks like it isn't going anywhere (I found out after the fact that divorced actually means kind of divorced or separated and maybe divorcing). But it was wonderful enough -- she wasn't the one, even before I knew the kind of divorced thing -- to want me to get out and met people.

    Plan is to make a list of things to do / places to go that don't involve drinking and pound those out on the weekends.

    I feel good.

    path-forward, StarWarsFan and Mozenjo like this.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Morning coffee day 3.

    Slept in today. BP good. No morning wood or morning test. Not exactly into flatline but getting there.

    A couple difficult situations are threatening.

    Had a fall back to move forward issue at work that is bugging the shit out of me mentally. My #2 didn't want to be my #2 but rather have is own department. We've gone round and round over the last 18 months. He does something highly specialized and, even with huge recruiting dollars spent, we can't find a replacement. Things got so bad our exec council decided to remove him from my department and put him in the one he transferred in from along with his employees. His dream of a separate P&L are gone and he's not my problem any more but on the surface I'm the loser in the game. I lost 1/3 of the business I was responsible for and bonus / salary considerations are figured from the size of your book. It will hit me in the wallet. This happened 2 weeks ago. I feel like I lost. And the way it went down it felt humiliating.

    I think it is better in the long run. It is why I've found it easier not to drink at night as I was trying to self medicate that stress. My stress levels are much lower. And they are having me work on an initiative that will be a big promotion if it happens. I couldn't make that initiative work with him in the way.

    Emotionally, I am furious at times and sad at times. Intellectually I'm fine. I've partially checked out of work. I'm not as enthused by some of what I was doing because I feel so dissed. I'm aware I've got to get over it and move on.

    Fortunately, getting his ass out of my way has let me feel my way through this without my normal self medication.

    Last night before I fell asleep my brain just churned on it.

    I need to let it go and stop the churn.
    path-forward likes this.
  7. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    RD. Your journaling is truly wonderful in the way you push yourself to think deeply and express your feelings candidly - no matter with good days or bad.

    very inspirational! I need to journal more but admit I find it very hard to be consistent during tough times

    keep it up! And keep fighting the demons of PMO addiction.

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