Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    A lot to digest in your posts RD! Really impressed by both your level of introspection and your honesty with yourself.

    Best of luck with your new 30 day journey!

    I have a good instinct, that you will find it a strong source of focus and self-discipline.
     
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Finding out things about myself.

    Counter is safe. No drinking and no porn - solid. A little wonky with the eyeballs on things they should avoid but don't like football cheerleaders, online ads while I'm working, etc. but nothing close to a reset.

    I am feeling the effects of not drinking for 48 hours. It is like when I've done keto. The body is used to one mix of sugars for fuel. Change the mix and the engine runs a little rough. If every beer is 200 calories then a lot of my cals were coming from drinking. Good thing is it is like an instant diet. Bad thing is that engine has to reset. Today just feeling the beginnings. Tomorrow and Tuesday will suck. I'll be through it by Wednesday. Knowing the process will prevent the sudden beer to feel better which will blow the whole effort up.

    I am feeling what we'd have called in high school horny. Sex has been on my mind more and more today. I woke up with a bit of wood this morning. It is a positive but nothing to get elated about. Yes, alcohol suppressed libido, but that just meant drinking and PMOing were equal. I feel now the risk I have in dropping the drinking is that lizard brain is going to suggest going back to more full time fapping. I am feeling it as the desire to be with someone rather than a desire to PMO at the moment but as I am the only one I know right now for me to be with I am on guard.

    But other than that ... slept better last night than normal waking up rested ... have been super productive today catching up on some work and personal things that seemed to always be behind ...

    So I guess Sober October will do me good.
     
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  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Day 3. Dry as a bone. Libido is coming back which though it has been missed I don't particularly welcome at the moment. It is making it more difficult to manage everything.

    The alcohol experiment is about getting you to identify your real relationship with alcohol -- and its effects on you. Three days dry (really 4 because I started Saturday - counter just hasn't rolled). I am sleeping better. I'm waking with some wood. I've got more energy. I'm more productive. I don't look as sleepy. My face is clearing up. I've lost 7 pounds and am under 260 (259.3 this morning) for the first time in two years. I will definitely change my relationship with alcohol once this is all said and done. I won't stop drinking altogether. My problem was drinking alone at home. That I will stop. We will see what else is revealed as this continues.

    It is obvious alcohol suppressed my libido. I'm thinking about sex more in just 4 days than I did when I was drinking. I wonder if that was one of the reasons I let drink get in uncontrolled. I'm more tempted to porn now than I was. I would drink at night to calm my mind and sleep and then fap in the morning and during the day to wake up and wipe the shame. There was nothing libidinous about it. Now I'm thinking about having sex. Thinking about looking even at night. Yes, tempted as in self medication but also feeling it as a real need. No partner to involve so this is going to get to be a challenge. I feel it is a good challenge even if I would rather not deal with it!

    RD
     
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  4. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Great work RD! Very admirable focusing on both alcohol and P together - as they clearly seem related for you.

    I’m sure your journaling is helping as well.

    Keep it up brother!
     
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Holding steady on the no drinking. Getting wonky on the no touching.

    Waking up with wood that hasn't been up with me in the morning in months. And like I have posted earlier this week thoughts running through my mind about being with a woman even though there's no woman to be with at the moment.

    So 5 days into this and I'm acknowledging the impact alcohol has on my ED and libido.

    5 days without drinking and hard ons in the morning certainly doesn't mean I'm cured but this has been a big step.

    RD
     
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2022
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  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, you know the equipment works and doesn't need "testing" to make sure. I know how stopping the touching is difficult sometimes. But this challenge we are facing involves not scratching the itches that will inevitably "pop up". Keep going, Rugger.
     
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, yes, the equipment works from a mechanical systems perspective. From an information systems perspective, I likely still have some bugs, but I can't really test those by myself. Hands off myself is becoming easy. Really only an issue in the morning or if I wake up at night. Each day it is a little less of a problem.

    The energy I have right now is torrential. That's stepping away from the alcohol, I'm certain. I have more energy during the day and then I'm hard crashing into bed around 1030 and sleeping better. Days are more productive.

    This recent bad streak was drink to sleep which ruined my sleep. Fap in the morning to shake the cobwebs out and wake up. Fap a couple of times during the day to either wake up or relax enough to take a cat nap (how does that really do both things?!). And then b/c of barrels of caffeine and the naps to get through the day some beers and staying up too late.

    I've absolutely BLOWN that cycle up!

    Doc yesterday for my arthritis. Go every 3 months for blood draws b/c of some meds I'm on. Resting heart rate down by a 10-count. Blood pressure normal. Weight down by 15 pounds ... 9 since I stopped drinking.

    Alcohol was the obstacle to my staying on track to manage my porn addiction and PIED.

    RD
     
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Tonight is a night to drink! Not going to drink but, just saying, tonight would be a good night to do it.

    Long week. The no alcohol flu is gone but it hung around longer than I wanted. Sleep pattern changed just as a big storm of work hit. Bad encounter with the ex wife last night. Date tonight cancelled on me last minute. None of the guys that I hike with are available tomorrow .... feeling pissed, lonely, sad, bored ...

    This would normally make for a great drinking night.

    And then tomorrow would be fap in the morning ... feel like crap .. fap again .. and likely repeat to make for a fantastic weekend.

    Not sure what I'm doing but I'm NOT doing that.

    RD
     
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  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Cleaning the fridge out yesterday I found a beer which I rationalized my way into drinking last night.

    Woke up a little slower this morning. Temptation to fap was a little greater. Morning wood did not make a visit. And that was from one high ABV DIPA ....

    Counter stays because I have not fapped or PMO'd or P or M or O'd since I started this experiment.

    Giving into that one beer is similar though to when I give in to a temptation to fap (or to not workout for that matter).

    I do not know why my vision of who I want to be is so soft in moments when temptation finds me on my own.

    That's likely something I should figure out!

    RD
     
  10. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    RD - don’t be so hard on yourself. You are fighting a lot of muscle memory with alcohol. And I can understand finding that beer - feeling like it was meant to be! Lol
    I have rationalized that with stumbling onto P subs.

    you are doing great with your abstinence from PMO, MO etc!

    Celebrate your victories. And get back on the horse with alcohol. One beer in a month would be an amazing achievement!

    I sometimes feel frustrated with my two binge nights in Sept. But I remind myself. I have only PMO-Ed on 2 nights since June 1. I never would have thought I could do it.

    one day at a time my brother. We just need to keep making our addictions less and less parts of our lives. We both want the same self image - that addiction does not define who we are or how we act.
     
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @path-forward thank you for the kind words!

    I'm in a good spot.

    The tie between alcohol and PMO was an interesting discovery.

    Another discovery was how much the interaction between those two set aside other things in my life. For instance, I moved into my current place over a year ago. When I moved pandemic was still all on and you couldn't find furniture in a store (at least what I wanted) anywhere. I stopped looking and then kept putting it off. Last weekend I completely designed my living room, started ordering the things I'd picked out. I don't know how many weekends I've planned to do that and then a Friday night beer session turns into sleeping in, fapping to wake up, laying down mid day and fapping to fall asleep followed by more drink ...

    Anyway the last couple of weekends have been very fulfilling. As have some weeknights.

    But that's such an odd feeling!

    Speaking of muscle memory I need to learn to repeat fulfilling days and weekends, make them a part of who I am and be comfortable with having them.

    RD
     
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  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    There you go. I'm with you there, Rugger! Keep doing what works, and stop doing what doesn't.
     
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  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    It has been an educational month if nothing else.

    Nothing to say tonight.

    Just tagging back in.

    I'm ok.

    RD
     
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  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    It's been a minute. I'm actually surprised that "minute" has been almost 2.5 months since I've been here.

    November hit and I had 3 weeks of work travel, all the Holiday shenanigans and a health scare.

    So I've been around but not around here.

    In a nutshell ... COVID for Christmas 20 and 21 set my arthritis on fire ... sleep apnea spiked my blood pressure which has never been high ... high blood pressure increases arthritic inflammation ... with the inflammed arthritis I couldn't work out so I put weight on that made the sleep apnea and blood pressure get worse and on and on and on ...

    I was scared. Thought I was in a total down spiral.

    Found a solution. Switched doctors to a subscription based - not insurance driven traditional doc - practice that includes a nutritionist, physical therapist, chiro. Includes a gym membership and personal trainer. I'm on blood pressure meds with the goal to crash the weight, improve my sleep and get off the meds. Blood pressure is down, weight up, arthritis managed. Goal is 220 pounds, normal blood pressure and managed pain in 120 days; off the blood pressure meds in 90. Next week they do a body comp and VO2 max test and use that to dial my diet in.

    I started the year hopeful compared to mid-November I was pretty hopeless.

    Reset today because in the mix of things I kept porn under control mostly but got in the habit of being fascinated with my morning wood. I had toned my drinking down considerably and was starting to show signs of PIED improvement but then the blood pressure mess kicked in making the ED a part of the mess. As things have come back -- still not drinking as much, sleep and blood pressure improving -- morning wood has started to sprout. And I've been fascinated with it.

    So back on here because this is still a project, too. Committed this morning that morning routine needs to change.

    Glad to be back!

    RD
     
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  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Morning Coffee!

    Kept myself off myself this morning though the pull to pull (pun intended) was strong.

    Hiked 7 miles yesterday and woke up feeling fine. One of the difficult parts of coming back physically is that moving helps reduce the inflammation over time but in the short term it hurts like a bitch.

    Gym today.

    And I'm going to keep on avoiding touching myself.

    Lots of other things to do today but those are the two most important.

    RD
     
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Tagged in yesterday but didn't post this ...

    Good news from doc yesterday.

    I'm fat, low T, intermittent high blood pressure, sleep apnea but my heart and lungs are healthy.

    They did a body comp and the doc said he was surprised I had as much lean body mass as I did (which is both a ha! I have more muscle than you thought and a fuck you! how fat do you think I am!).

    Belly fat, low T, high blood pressure, drinking and the porn life all contribute to ED.
     
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  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Just back from a much needed 2 days of Winter hiking and cabin living with some friends of mine. There are 5 of us. We take a week long trip every year together (and have been since 2014), hike nearly every weekend on Saturday mornings plus sneak in a few weekend trips as we can. January has become cold weather hiking cabin living and it is enormously relaxing. The cabins are tucked in a gorge where modern technology has trouble getting to so it was a much needed respite from keyboards and screens as well as great fellowship.

    I just enthusiastically reset the counter at 2 days. These 2 days in the cabin represent a solid monk mode and good restart.

    Phone is clean. Mind is not pure but not unsettled and looking for a distraction.

    I hiked 12 miles which is the most physical activity I've been able to do since this arthritis flare almost 6 months ago. I begged off today's hiking to come home. Going to relax a bit and then hit the gym and the rower later today so I get my movement in without all the banging on my knees and ankles (where the arthritis is raging).

    I did have a couple social drinks with them but my drinking was contained and appropriate.

    I spent some time in the car driving home thinking about where I am right now.

    Not being alone was crucial to all of this.

    In a nutshell the pandemic hangover is still with me. COVID effect is magnifying the arthritis which when it is at its worst I don't want to go out and move around. My dog has more anxiety because he got used to my being home so when I leave he barks and I hear it from the neighbors. Medication sometimes works but what works best is not leaving. Clients, dealing with the same dynamic in their own lives, prefer to meet on Teams or Zoom, so I am tied to the keyboard for work much of the time.

    I've let myself get isolated. And I'm drinking and fapping the isolation away (temporarily). I am not providing myself healthy ways to deal with the stress I have in life which amplify' s the isolation.

    On the trail we all picked one word that represented our year ahead. I chose balance.

    My life is out of balance and I'm dipping into old habits to balance the emotions out rather than using healthy actions that actually provide balance.

    RD
     
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Three days solid. Feel awesome from being so active. It is counter intuitive. The more active I am the less things hurt. It's been a matter of pushing through the hurt to get to the other side. Getting there.

    Didn't wake up this morning feeling the need to fap. Usually that has been to block the pain. Funny I do it to wake up and to fall asleep! But I've done neither for 3 whole days!
     
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  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Morning coffee. Slight urge to test "the system" this morning but just got out of bed instead.

    Taking my blood pressure twice a day has been eye opening. High blood pressure impacts sexual performance (associated with ED) and libido. I don't have chronic high blood pressure. It roller coasters up and down. This morning it was high. Tonight, if things are normal and usual, it will be normal.

    All I need is another contributor to why things don't work.

    But the focus on getting this dealt with -- as how well I deal with it is likely to impact the number of years I have left -- is giving me a reason to deal with everything else.

    Off to work soon with a clear mind and feeling good.
     
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    This weekend was a difficult weekend because I stressed out about a bunch of good news.

    Eustress (euphoric stress) is a thing. Talking with a woman and things are going well. Bucket loads of good work news that shows the hard work paid off including an opportunity to build something new and have some ownership in it. Biggest bonus I've ever gotten.

    And my mind was spinning. I didn't have a good way to slow the spin .. or rather I should say a healthy way ... it was a one time thing and not a binge .. no porn was involved .. but I stepped out side of my boundaries for myself.

    Resetting today.
     
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