Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Tough day. Feeling in a bad spot mentally. Like I'm outside of myself.

    Missing the (fake) interactions with women from dating apps.

    I keep reminding myself that the connections were false and shallow.

    Even if we did meet the connections were false and shallow.

    I'm very far from giving into the temptation again even though I know I miss the banter.

    It's been good to fill that wasted time up with productive things.

    I did MO today but it was unassisted by media so I'm going to keep the counter.

    But I feel mentally vulnerable. Insecure. Like I'm a fraud about to be exposed.

    I know that a dive into porn or the dating apps will remove that feeling .. no bury it.

    This is just me dealing with what I feel when I let myself feel.

    Don't know what to do with it.

    Thelongwayhome27 and Libertad like this.
  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    It is a delicate dance when one starts reconecting with the self after running from it for years. A small dosis, being aware how it feels and before it gets too much and the relapse happens because we get overwhelmet, taking the foot off the throttle to take it slower. As much as one can handle without relapsing. And if it might happen, seing it as a learning lesson, nothing to be ashamed of. I hope I can see it this way in case it happens to me again.
    All the best. One week is already behind you.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Great day today! After an ok week that saw a reset on day 10. After a couple of wobbly days I'm back on track and proudly sporting a 1 day on my counter!

    Got in my own head in the middle of the week and talked myself into it being ok to PMO to cut the stress down. Conscious decision that was unconscious. Then once that lid was off the jar I couldn't put it back on.

    Ended the week with a signed contract I've been pursuing for 4 months. After 2 days of negotiating we inked it. Earlier my best friend -- who is an owner of the firm I work for -- had called to check on me because he is aware of some of what I'm going through. He hung up, contract came in, I texted "WIN!" and about 20 minutes later he texted inviting me out to celebrate ... so he and his wife and I went to dinner, had a drink to celebrate .. and launch the weekend off right!

    One of my issues is that I'm an extrovert with a small circle of friends. Work is a social activity for me. My sons involve me in things but it's not like they want Dad around 24/7. So outside of a BBQ at my son's tomorrow my weekend is a loner's paradise. I'm not a loner. So Tim challenged me to do something for myself.

    Today I cleaned the bottom floor of my townhome, reset my fitbit, decided yes on a high adventure trip I've been invited to in the Fall which is going to take a commitment to get ready, hit 265 on the scale which means I'm losing again, made plans for tomorrow and Monday that are similarly satisfying and wrote this long, run on sentence. Had a killer workout, bath and a nap.

    And now I'm sitting feeling good ... and uncomfortable with the feeling. I want it to go away. My brain is telling me to fap to celebrate but I know that will get me into the exact opposite space. It will turn the good feelings off replacing them temporarily with physical pleasure and then ... nothingness ...

    Here to note the feeling. Going to jump into Headspace and deal with feeling this feeling.

  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    BBQ today. I'm going dry. No beer though there will be plenty there.

    I'm committed to getting a good workout in today and if I have one beer it won't happen. So no beer.

    Woke up with a little temptation to fap but worked away from it.

    I don't want to go the BBQ though I know once I'm there I'll have fun.

    This is a good example of the kind of weekend that can just wreck me. I don't want to be with people though I'm lonely. Going into the weekend I didn't know about this or have any plans at all. Friday was fun and spontaneous. Yesterday I did a lot of good things around the house but it was a lonely day. As the evening progressed I was more and more tempted to jump into the dating app swamp again. Didn't. But the temptation was there. And it was there because connecting on line would feel like connecting in real life. Fake companionship. Might as well have a relationship with Siri on my iPhone.

    That led to my wake up temptation this morning. That was still on my mind.

    I don't feel this is any more intense that what I usually deal with. I usually act without knowing the feelings are there. I am now identifying the feelings and with the exception of my slip last week not acting on them.

  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hope you had a good time at the BBQ, Rugger.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, I had a great time! You never stop being Dad. He called me an hour before the start and asked me to come early to teach him how to use his grill. He just bought a small starter Weber grill and didn't know how to good with charcoal. Reminded me how much I miss grilling! And it was cool that Dad is in the cool zone with my boys!

    I am blessed. These guys never hesitate to invite me to their parties. I'm the only "real adult" (my euphemism for old dude). I sometimes take for granted how blessed I am that they know my flaws and still love me and still think I'm the best Dad in the world. When my porn use was at its worst when I was married and raising them, I usually was able to get out of the fog to be Dad. I can not imagine how much more deeply and dark, I would have gone without having them to focus on.

    Today has been an ok day. Recovering from a killer workout yesterday. I'm sore in a good way. But I'm also depressed. So this has been a take it easy kind of day.

    I have to change how I do weekends. Particularly 3 day weekends. All of my normal social choices -- my best friend, my boys, work mates -- are all doing their thing. I'm going to go for a weighted ruck this evening with the dog. Weather is awesome! So there will be lots of people out. My extroversion fuels me to talk to people as I meet but 100 "hey, how are you! he's a Boston Terrier. That's a beautiful dog .... " isn't exactly the thing of deep connections.

    My routine. Sunday night I look at the week ahead. I schedule work first and then sprinkle the rest of my life as I can. Monday morning, I strap in and work my ass off until Friday. I might have some social activities through the week or not. Depends on work. And then the weekend hits. Oh, there's a weekend! And I have no plans.

    I usually hike on Saturday mornings with my friends. But that's starting to change. It's not usually all 5 of us any more. And sometimes the wives are invited. I feel like a 3rd wheel. This weekend everyone but me had something else planned which I didn't find out until Friday night.

    I sometimes go to church. Didn't yesterday.

    And then I sit around all weekend with nothing to do but feel lonely and depressed and feel tempted to PMO and drink.

    So .....

    I need to start planning weekends in advance!


  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Went to bed at 9 last night.

    If I didn't I was going to make a beer run.

    Slept until 730 or so -- or at least that is when I got out of bed.

    Thick with depression. Feels like I'm living life under a wet blanket.

    I did walk two miles with a weighted backpack and that felt good.

  8. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    That's exactly what depression feels like to me too. Stick with it ruggerdoug, and remember, we wouldn't be able to tell the good times if we didn't have to live through the bad every now and then...
  9. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    for me, depression is all about my fears. how do i face them. an acronym i learned a long time ago. F E A R- Fuck Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover. my choice. everyday.
  10. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    This is eye opening. Great post.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    My son got married Friday!

    The whole event ended up being one of the happiest events of my life. A lot of my depression was emanating from all kinds of fears (@badger, that is great info!) related to the upcoming event. Six years after the divorce, I didn't expect to be as single as I was the day it happened. My ex and I got along but was fearful of a number of 'zilla moments. My former MIL is a bit nuts. We were great friends until the divorce and she can either be kind or disruptively angry at joint family events. My estranged brother showed up. And so it goes ...

    I killed the rehearsal dinner toast. My youngest stepson came up to me after and shared how devastating the divorce was to him b/c I was the solid bedrock in his life. Our relationship has changed for the better after 1 heartfelt 6 minute speech.

    I was invited to hang with the groomsmen on the day of the wedding. Yes, I was the father of the groom but as 4 of the groomsmen were sons and the rest (it was a big as party) were fraternity brothers I know real well it felt like one of them not the old guy in the room. Over the course of the 3 days of the event from rehearsal dinner to family cookout the day after the wedding I had a number of the fraternity brothers and friends of my sons, come up to me and say they felt like they were brothers to my sons but also that I was like another Dad to them.

    After the wedding, the wedding party invited me out to the after party.

    I danced a quarter sized blister onto my heel! But it was tremendously refreshing to realize that there is so much good in my life. And I've done good things. Sometimes when I'm at the worst of the depression I don't feel worthy of anything good. The celebration gave me a glimpse that there are so many good things in my life even amidst the debris of my mistakes.

    Last night I stayed in, read some and went to bed early. I was alone but not lonely. I didn't drink myself to sleep. I had good sleep last night. Went to church this morning. That is becoming a welcome returned habit.

    I can't have a big wedding celebration every weekend to recharge. But I can work harder to be connected to people who genuinely value me more than I value myself.

    And then keep working.

    The weekend helped me look back over the past 10 years which was when the marriage started to fall apart, I was binging on porn and doing other destructive things for entire days sometimes. I was in a constant fog. I didn't feel like I was connected to anyone but evidently found the energy to connect to the boys. Actually, I didn't feel much at all about anything ever. I would never have danced like that 10 years ago. I would have been standoffish, grumpy.

    Today, I still have my PMO thing. PIED is worse, likely because PMO is still present though less frequent and is made worse by my weight, drinking and age. But I am connected to people even deeply in ways I don't realize.

    There's more good in my life than bad. And much of the bad is there because I don't Face EVERYTHING and Recover.

    -Luke- and TrueSelf like this.
  12. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Great post and thoughts!
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I've done some thinking on what I must face.

    I don't feel I have much to offer in a relationship because I am out of shape, keep a messy place, don't have my finances in order and have PIED.

    I am still active, have a nice place that is just cluttered but that also needs some upgrades and make good money that I don't manage well plus I'm making lost ground up for retirement. And I'm PMOing much less but still doing it.

    I feel that I choose to not get into the best shape I could be in, don't keep my home space visitor friendly, don't take on the difficulty of getting my money in order and dealing for good with PMO because all of those things are safety walls to keep relationships that could hurt me at a distance.

    It is all choice and it comes from a deep level. It is mostly subconscious though I admit that's the rationale for the bad decisions.

    I'm struggling to know how to change the formula where my fear is greater than my loneliness/desire to be in a relationship.

    I prefer -- thinking -- to change the formula before I meet someone I want to have a relationship with so I go into it whole and not go into it terrified that my weaknesses will be found out or that I have to rush to get them fixed.

    But my actions block me. My behavior says otherwise.

    Change your behavior you'll say!

    I know. But why is it so hard. I have in small ways but not in all ways.

    Mozenjo and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    This past week was difficult. The weekend turned out well except for the wash of depression that hit me.

    Weekend depression is a thing lately. I did go into the weekend with plans. Dinner and drinks with my boss Friday night at a roof top bar close to my place. A brutal steps workout at one of our local damns followed by a 3 mile hike on Saturday morning. Nap! Bike ride to our local arts festival which is back after 2 years off. Bought my first piece of art. Then Sunday morning I went to church.

    Both Saturday night and today after Church was in the dumps. The plans and the activity helped but not enough to pitch me into depression darkness.

    I just woke up from a short nap after a shower. Didn't really nap but didn't really meditate either.

    I think I need to go back to counseling. With the depression I'm kind of on a merry go round. I am doing the right things to ward it off but it is still seeping in.

    I had one of my remote employees in this week. Had very little time to myself. I'm dealing with some big things at work (employee issue, been asked to apply to become a partner which is way cool but I don't think I make it this application round because of the employee issue .. and so on) plus last weekend I listed all my fears and committed to face them. Then I didn't give myself time this week to actually do that.

    By Friday I was pretty down on myself.

    We are getting July 1st through 12th off. I spent part of Saturday night putting together a schedule for fun things to do that week including several DIY projects and a commitment to work out every day that week with no drinking that week.

    I get it. I'm just not getting it done. Yet.

  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Dealing with depression in a healthy or unhealthy way is so much better when I'm not dealing with it on a work day. Today just sucked. Sometimes I can grab a quick nap after a shower and get a burst. Sometimes laying down triggers a touch. Today was a trigger day. No O, No P, but more M than my plan calls for.

    Traveling tomorrow for a speaking engagement Wednesday. Looking forward to the forced meditation time on the plane there and back.

    Goal was to go "hands free" for the next 3 weeks -- work travel (which is usually more PMO free than staying at home), outdoor trip, then 2 works days and then a free week off the week of 7/4 ... essentially I have 4 "normal" work days between now and July 12th. Was going to use the shake up in schedule to lay 3 weeks no PMO down.

    Didn't start so well.

    Just hit the refresh and am going to go out to life.

    Contemplating falling back to my use of a Pomodoro timer to keep the guardrails up on things I must focus on.


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