Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Tough day. Feeling in a bad spot mentally. Like I'm outside of myself.

    Missing the (fake) interactions with women from dating apps.

    I keep reminding myself that the connections were false and shallow.

    Even if we did meet the connections were false and shallow.

    I'm very far from giving into the temptation again even though I know I miss the banter.

    It's been good to fill that wasted time up with productive things.

    I did MO today but it was unassisted by media so I'm going to keep the counter.

    But I feel mentally vulnerable. Insecure. Like I'm a fraud about to be exposed.

    I know that a dive into porn or the dating apps will remove that feeling .. no bury it.

    This is just me dealing with what I feel when I let myself feel.

    Don't know what to do with it.

    Thelongwayhome27 and Libertad like this.
  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    It is a delicate dance when one starts reconecting with the self after running from it for years. A small dosis, being aware how it feels and before it gets too much and the relapse happens because we get overwhelmet, taking the foot off the throttle to take it slower. As much as one can handle without relapsing. And if it might happen, seing it as a learning lesson, nothing to be ashamed of. I hope I can see it this way in case it happens to me again.
    All the best. One week is already behind you.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Great day today! After an ok week that saw a reset on day 10. After a couple of wobbly days I'm back on track and proudly sporting a 1 day on my counter!

    Got in my own head in the middle of the week and talked myself into it being ok to PMO to cut the stress down. Conscious decision that was unconscious. Then once that lid was off the jar I couldn't put it back on.

    Ended the week with a signed contract I've been pursuing for 4 months. After 2 days of negotiating we inked it. Earlier my best friend -- who is an owner of the firm I work for -- had called to check on me because he is aware of some of what I'm going through. He hung up, contract came in, I texted "WIN!" and about 20 minutes later he texted inviting me out to celebrate ... so he and his wife and I went to dinner, had a drink to celebrate .. and launch the weekend off right!

    One of my issues is that I'm an extrovert with a small circle of friends. Work is a social activity for me. My sons involve me in things but it's not like they want Dad around 24/7. So outside of a BBQ at my son's tomorrow my weekend is a loner's paradise. I'm not a loner. So Tim challenged me to do something for myself.

    Today I cleaned the bottom floor of my townhome, reset my fitbit, decided yes on a high adventure trip I've been invited to in the Fall which is going to take a commitment to get ready, hit 265 on the scale which means I'm losing again, made plans for tomorrow and Monday that are similarly satisfying and wrote this long, run on sentence. Had a killer workout, bath and a nap.

    And now I'm sitting feeling good ... and uncomfortable with the feeling. I want it to go away. My brain is telling me to fap to celebrate but I know that will get me into the exact opposite space. It will turn the good feelings off replacing them temporarily with physical pleasure and then ... nothingness ...

    Here to note the feeling. Going to jump into Headspace and deal with feeling this feeling.

  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    BBQ today. I'm going dry. No beer though there will be plenty there.

    I'm committed to getting a good workout in today and if I have one beer it won't happen. So no beer.

    Woke up with a little temptation to fap but worked away from it.

    I don't want to go the BBQ though I know once I'm there I'll have fun.

    This is a good example of the kind of weekend that can just wreck me. I don't want to be with people though I'm lonely. Going into the weekend I didn't know about this or have any plans at all. Friday was fun and spontaneous. Yesterday I did a lot of good things around the house but it was a lonely day. As the evening progressed I was more and more tempted to jump into the dating app swamp again. Didn't. But the temptation was there. And it was there because connecting on line would feel like connecting in real life. Fake companionship. Might as well have a relationship with Siri on my iPhone.

    That led to my wake up temptation this morning. That was still on my mind.

    I don't feel this is any more intense that what I usually deal with. I usually act without knowing the feelings are there. I am now identifying the feelings and with the exception of my slip last week not acting on them.

  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hope you had a good time at the BBQ, Rugger.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, I had a great time! You never stop being Dad. He called me an hour before the start and asked me to come early to teach him how to use his grill. He just bought a small starter Weber grill and didn't know how to good with charcoal. Reminded me how much I miss grilling! And it was cool that Dad is in the cool zone with my boys!

    I am blessed. These guys never hesitate to invite me to their parties. I'm the only "real adult" (my euphemism for old dude). I sometimes take for granted how blessed I am that they know my flaws and still love me and still think I'm the best Dad in the world. When my porn use was at its worst when I was married and raising them, I usually was able to get out of the fog to be Dad. I can not imagine how much more deeply and dark, I would have gone without having them to focus on.

    Today has been an ok day. Recovering from a killer workout yesterday. I'm sore in a good way. But I'm also depressed. So this has been a take it easy kind of day.

    I have to change how I do weekends. Particularly 3 day weekends. All of my normal social choices -- my best friend, my boys, work mates -- are all doing their thing. I'm going to go for a weighted ruck this evening with the dog. Weather is awesome! So there will be lots of people out. My extroversion fuels me to talk to people as I meet but 100 "hey, how are you! he's a Boston Terrier. That's a beautiful dog .... " isn't exactly the thing of deep connections.

    My routine. Sunday night I look at the week ahead. I schedule work first and then sprinkle the rest of my life as I can. Monday morning, I strap in and work my ass off until Friday. I might have some social activities through the week or not. Depends on work. And then the weekend hits. Oh, there's a weekend! And I have no plans.

    I usually hike on Saturday mornings with my friends. But that's starting to change. It's not usually all 5 of us any more. And sometimes the wives are invited. I feel like a 3rd wheel. This weekend everyone but me had something else planned which I didn't find out until Friday night.

    I sometimes go to church. Didn't yesterday.

    And then I sit around all weekend with nothing to do but feel lonely and depressed and feel tempted to PMO and drink.

    So .....

    I need to start planning weekends in advance!


  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Went to bed at 9 last night.

    If I didn't I was going to make a beer run.

    Slept until 730 or so -- or at least that is when I got out of bed.

    Thick with depression. Feels like I'm living life under a wet blanket.

    I did walk two miles with a weighted backpack and that felt good.

  8. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    That's exactly what depression feels like to me too. Stick with it ruggerdoug, and remember, we wouldn't be able to tell the good times if we didn't have to live through the bad every now and then...
  9. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    for me, depression is all about my fears. how do i face them. an acronym i learned a long time ago. F E A R- Fuck Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover. my choice. everyday.
  10. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    This is eye opening. Great post.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    My son got married Friday!

    The whole event ended up being one of the happiest events of my life. A lot of my depression was emanating from all kinds of fears (@badger, that is great info!) related to the upcoming event. Six years after the divorce, I didn't expect to be as single as I was the day it happened. My ex and I got along but was fearful of a number of 'zilla moments. My former MIL is a bit nuts. We were great friends until the divorce and she can either be kind or disruptively angry at joint family events. My estranged brother showed up. And so it goes ...

    I killed the rehearsal dinner toast. My youngest stepson came up to me after and shared how devastating the divorce was to him b/c I was the solid bedrock in his life. Our relationship has changed for the better after 1 heartfelt 6 minute speech.

    I was invited to hang with the groomsmen on the day of the wedding. Yes, I was the father of the groom but as 4 of the groomsmen were sons and the rest (it was a big as party) were fraternity brothers I know real well it felt like one of them not the old guy in the room. Over the course of the 3 days of the event from rehearsal dinner to family cookout the day after the wedding I had a number of the fraternity brothers and friends of my sons, come up to me and say they felt like they were brothers to my sons but also that I was like another Dad to them.

    After the wedding, the wedding party invited me out to the after party.

    I danced a quarter sized blister onto my heel! But it was tremendously refreshing to realize that there is so much good in my life. And I've done good things. Sometimes when I'm at the worst of the depression I don't feel worthy of anything good. The celebration gave me a glimpse that there are so many good things in my life even amidst the debris of my mistakes.

    Last night I stayed in, read some and went to bed early. I was alone but not lonely. I didn't drink myself to sleep. I had good sleep last night. Went to church this morning. That is becoming a welcome returned habit.

    I can't have a big wedding celebration every weekend to recharge. But I can work harder to be connected to people who genuinely value me more than I value myself.

    And then keep working.

    The weekend helped me look back over the past 10 years which was when the marriage started to fall apart, I was binging on porn and doing other destructive things for entire days sometimes. I was in a constant fog. I didn't feel like I was connected to anyone but evidently found the energy to connect to the boys. Actually, I didn't feel much at all about anything ever. I would never have danced like that 10 years ago. I would have been standoffish, grumpy.

    Today, I still have my PMO thing. PIED is worse, likely because PMO is still present though less frequent and is made worse by my weight, drinking and age. But I am connected to people even deeply in ways I don't realize.

    There's more good in my life than bad. And much of the bad is there because I don't Face EVERYTHING and Recover.

    -Luke- and TrueSelf like this.
  12. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Great post and thoughts!
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I've done some thinking on what I must face.

    I don't feel I have much to offer in a relationship because I am out of shape, keep a messy place, don't have my finances in order and have PIED.

    I am still active, have a nice place that is just cluttered but that also needs some upgrades and make good money that I don't manage well plus I'm making lost ground up for retirement. And I'm PMOing much less but still doing it.

    I feel that I choose to not get into the best shape I could be in, don't keep my home space visitor friendly, don't take on the difficulty of getting my money in order and dealing for good with PMO because all of those things are safety walls to keep relationships that could hurt me at a distance.

    It is all choice and it comes from a deep level. It is mostly subconscious though I admit that's the rationale for the bad decisions.

    I'm struggling to know how to change the formula where my fear is greater than my loneliness/desire to be in a relationship.

    I prefer -- thinking -- to change the formula before I meet someone I want to have a relationship with so I go into it whole and not go into it terrified that my weaknesses will be found out or that I have to rush to get them fixed.

    But my actions block me. My behavior says otherwise.

    Change your behavior you'll say!

    I know. But why is it so hard. I have in small ways but not in all ways.

    Mozenjo and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    This past week was difficult. The weekend turned out well except for the wash of depression that hit me.

    Weekend depression is a thing lately. I did go into the weekend with plans. Dinner and drinks with my boss Friday night at a roof top bar close to my place. A brutal steps workout at one of our local damns followed by a 3 mile hike on Saturday morning. Nap! Bike ride to our local arts festival which is back after 2 years off. Bought my first piece of art. Then Sunday morning I went to church.

    Both Saturday night and today after Church was in the dumps. The plans and the activity helped but not enough to pitch me into depression darkness.

    I just woke up from a short nap after a shower. Didn't really nap but didn't really meditate either.

    I think I need to go back to counseling. With the depression I'm kind of on a merry go round. I am doing the right things to ward it off but it is still seeping in.

    I had one of my remote employees in this week. Had very little time to myself. I'm dealing with some big things at work (employee issue, been asked to apply to become a partner which is way cool but I don't think I make it this application round because of the employee issue .. and so on) plus last weekend I listed all my fears and committed to face them. Then I didn't give myself time this week to actually do that.

    By Friday I was pretty down on myself.

    We are getting July 1st through 12th off. I spent part of Saturday night putting together a schedule for fun things to do that week including several DIY projects and a commitment to work out every day that week with no drinking that week.

    I get it. I'm just not getting it done. Yet.

  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Dealing with depression in a healthy or unhealthy way is so much better when I'm not dealing with it on a work day. Today just sucked. Sometimes I can grab a quick nap after a shower and get a burst. Sometimes laying down triggers a touch. Today was a trigger day. No O, No P, but more M than my plan calls for.

    Traveling tomorrow for a speaking engagement Wednesday. Looking forward to the forced meditation time on the plane there and back.

    Goal was to go "hands free" for the next 3 weeks -- work travel (which is usually more PMO free than staying at home), outdoor trip, then 2 works days and then a free week off the week of 7/4 ... essentially I have 4 "normal" work days between now and July 12th. Was going to use the shake up in schedule to lay 3 weeks no PMO down.

    Didn't start so well.

    Just hit the refresh and am going to go out to life.

    Contemplating falling back to my use of a Pomodoro timer to keep the guardrails up on things I must focus on.

  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Safely back from a week in the Boundary Waters. My usual annual backpacking trip went aquatic this year. We canoed almost 50 miles in 5 days, sat through two huge wind storms, almost swamped a boat in white caps (legit scared the whole time on white water in a loaded canoe!) but ultimately got back in time to get home. Safe. Two storm days gave the gift of deep introspection. Came to lots of conclusions about my life and my habits out in the backcountry. No signal so I was totally disconnected. All in all a fabulous time!

    For whatever reason, I don't fap in the backcountry. I've come back with 7 days under my belt free and clear from PMO or my erotica sub. In total flatline. Being totally disconnected certainly helped.

    We had a lot of time for introspection. Two days we were unable to leave base camp because of high winds.

    • I waste time because I don't have a plan or don’t stick to my plan
    • I do not feel confident physically.
    • I no longer feel bad ass about anything
    • I am limited in my opportunity because of my weight
    • I think of sex when stressed … bug bites, boredom when alone.
    • Being with people tamps down the sexual thinking.
    • I’m slowly disconnecting from my sons
    • I do not think of myself as whole. When I day dream I dream with an “other” in tandem. Right now there is no other or a candidate for other.
    • I do not feel worthy of a relationship
    • I’m on a health trajectory that is going to end badly.
    • I am unprepared to retire
    • I am unprepared to buy a home
    • I have Frogs which I don’t deal with and which contribute to my feeling inadequate
    • My home is not visitor friendly which further isolates me
    • My life is unbalanced
    • I do not self care / love myself
    • I select dating partners that are terrible for me

    My employer is giving us a week long break Independence Day week. I'm going to use that time to address some of the things on this list. All of it can't be fixed in a week, but I can set things in motion to get started on it. I'm also going to reset my personal routine to better balance out my life.

  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Great day today. Worked from home. My vacation email has been cut down from 750 to 480! I did not lay down for a nap and fap. Nor did I drink a drop today. My weight and health being big issues, I'm kick starting the weight loss with a bone broth cleanse which is 5 days of healthy whole foods and any 2 days over a week of just bone broth. Key to that diet is no beer. I'm doing it for 21 days with an option to go to 42. If I don't weigh at least 10 pounds less after the first 3 weeks I'm lying about no drinking. Today I weighed 270.

    Tonight I'm going to finish my schedule for next week's staycation. I plan on doing a number of home projects to get my place visitor friendly as well as to restart the Crossfit habit. Beyond that I'm doing a lot of things with friends to keep my lips off a beer glass and my hands off myself. If I'm not bragging about my place in 10 days being visitor friendly I'm lying ... I'm likely to have spent the week drinking and fapping. To protect against that I've drafted each of my sons and my daughter in law to do at least one project with me to help hold me accountable.

  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Last night got a little dicey.

    Fended any thoughts of alcohol off with ease. But the reintroduction of screens into my life after a week in the backcountry pushed me to a couple of edges. No PMO or erotica though I went so far as get to the erotica site before I caught myself and stopped. More tugging and pulling than I would like to admit.

    Out in the backcountry I was at total peace. It was stressful at times. We sat through two day long wind storms which didn't allow us to put boats on the water. We got on the water once with whitecaps which in hindsight was incredibly dumb. One boat slammed into some rocks; the other, with me in it, was flipped and swamped by the waves. The mosquitos and black flies where a constant nuisance. But I had no deadlines, no client issues, no employee issues. I had to acknowledge that I could make decisions but I was not in control of the weather or anything else Mother Nature threw at us. The only time that week I was tempted to fap was one night when the bug bites itched so much I couldn't sleep. My reaction was to start fapping until I realized I was doing it because of the stress of not being able to sleep because of the itching.

    Back in the regular connected world, I've got family issues (Dad and Stepmom have COVID in their 80s, 2 sons going through rough patches), client issues (always, it is what I do!), sales stress (again, what I do), employee issues, financial issues ... and my issues .. it is enough to make me want to run back to the Boundary Waters and disconnect.

    Or to fap my way through a few stories or some porn because in that moment I AM disconnected from reality. And then when I stack a bunch of those moments up over the course of a week or so, I'm disconnected all the time from my reality.

    I want to learn to live in my reality and manage life stress. I want to continue to be able to have backcountry adventures and be disconnected because of the impact those trips have on my life but I want to find out how to bring some of that outdoor peace into my everyday life.

    Safe now. Full day. 265 on the scale today so that process has begun and scoreboard says I'm winning.

  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    HH tonight after our firm mid year meeting and my only issue was I drank so much water I about wet myself.

    Came home and wrapped some final work things up before our summer break starts Monday.

    Not even close to PMO or erotica. Never felt tempted to sneak a beer during the HH.

    Feel pretty good.

    About to go to bed.

    This next 10 days is going to be interesting as I work to change my routines to remove some of the bad routines and replace them.

    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    UGLY night last night. Stayed up late trying to get work wrapped up before this break. No drinking. But I found that being up past a certain time opens the temptation valve. No P, No O .. some M. I woke up this morning feeling like I do when that behavior is accompanied by a few beers. I thought quite a bit about it walking the dog this morning. I think the similarity of the behavior (late night, some fapping) causes me to mentally to respond as if I'd done more. That's bad, because getting up this morning I was instantly drawn to PMO to a happy morning O. Didn't. But last night's late night and less than monkish behavior set me up to make that seem ok.

    I am going to have to bake a regular bedtime into this routine.

    Annual review today. Fireworks party at a friend who already knows beer is off limits. Working on my reset plan otherwise which is now a detailed checklist in Todoist so I can track progress and keep myself focused on it.

    Rudolf Geyse and badger like this.

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