Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Tomato76 it does sound gloomy! But some of the literature I read when I wrote my personal mission / vision statement says to start with your death and then think backwards. Do I want to die the man I want to be or a PMOing fool? Well, the choice is obvious! It is high motivation to stop being the PMOing fool! With that in mind the book seems fascinating to me! Thanks for the suggestion!

    A little slow moving this morning. Sons took me out for birthday last night. Heavy meal and a few drinks. Nothing out of bounds. But that plus two days of Crossfit and poor sleep ... I am dragging this morning!

    I'm like 80% on my routine plan. It is helping me keep focus particularly in instances where I would have PMO'd or MO'd, etc. during the day because of stress, etc.

    After 10ish days doing this I realize I'm going to spend most of my year tweaking and getting this right.

    Last night when I went to bed a thought jumped at me ... "It's your birthday what could 1 fap to porn hurt? It is ok ... " I ignored the thought, set my alarm and went right to sleep. Two or three weeks ago I would have talked myself into doing it.

    I feel good about where I am.

    Mozenjo likes this.
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Routine crashed by the end of the week. Resetting as of Saturday as Friday & Saturday, I fapped to vent being tired and stressed.

    Committed to the routine. I still think it is my way out of this mess.

    Tweaking it tonight before I go to bed. I came within a few days of 30 days. I fapped but it wasn't crazy binging and as soon (Saturday evening - today) admitted to myself where I'd gone off path, I'm back to being solid.

    Key that I didn't read anything from my birthday on, had a social work event the night after my birthday and COVID insomnia kicked in. Instead of going to bed and just relaxing through it, I stayed up but kept getting up in the morning. Too tired to walk the dog in the mornings, I never found peace those last few days .... and then self medicated with my hand and my phone.

    So can't do that.

    Journey continues.

  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Morning coffee.

    Just a day. Another good 24 hours without PMO so good. But just neutral over everything else. Not getting bored when things are neutral and going PMO is the best thing about the last day or so.

    Off to work!
    Libertad likes this.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    It has been a month since I've been here. It was 34 days when I broke the streak. I've come to reset the counter and journal through the last 30+ days that got me to where I am.

    Wendy and I reconnected mid January. She's been working in therapy. We went out for dinner, had a great time and agreed we would start dating "date to date" and see where things go. We agreed that when we dated the last time -- I moved into her place after we had dated less than 2 months -- our individual crazy fit each other and both of our crazies were magnified by COVID and the, at the time, new lockdowns.

    We agreed we had a chance if we moved slow.

    Not to dive into the detail but ... it was many dates and what felt like movement toward something more serious and committed ... I traveled last week for work. She's working two recruiting contract jobs. She was exhausted as was I. My son's band played at a pretty important venue Friday night. The original plan was for us to both go to the concert and then go out after. She begged off to stay home and relax. I was fine with that -- I was going to see his 30 minute set and then head home and crash myself. Except. I read about her Valentine's Day date to the local art museum on Twitter. Social media is a terrible thing especially when you forget who might be reading it. I asked her what she had done and she said she'd stayed home and watched the Olympics. I can think of about 9000 things she could have said that would have been ok but not a flat out lie. It was a fluke that I even saw the tweet that set it all off ... I'm getting back on Twitter b/c of a work project and was getting reoriented to my account when the tweet came across about her getting dressed up to go out. Unreal.

    Needless to say I discovered my crazy is managed and her crazy is still crazy.

    I'm sad. I can't have that kind of crazy in my life. In the moment we are good for each other. She understands my work as she scheduled for a similar firm when she was younger. She gets the risk - reward and the long hours. She's was supportive of that in the past and had started to be again this time around. That's a rare find for me. She knows and understands my addiction and the PIED that comes with it. She's patient and an active participant in helping me heal sexually. That's frankly a big reason for my 30+ day streak and why I've not been here lately.

    And I had begun to think longer term. Liked having a fun partner to do things with friends. Have a couple couples dates already scheduled.

    So I'm sad. Friday night I was embarrassed. My kids enjoy her and I had told them she was coming. Then I had to lie and tell them she was relaxing at home when I knew different. Now I have to cancel these couples dates. They are close enough friends that I'll be expected to explain. My kids will want an explanation when I tell them we've stopped going out. Actually, one of the couples dates is with my son and his fiance' so I'm double dipping there. Sigh.

    And we had planned a hiking trip to Phoenix that I'm cancelling.

    I did PMO Friday night after I confronted her when she texted me to see how my night had gone. And then again once yesterday and once today. Stopped myself as I began a second bout today. I know that won't solve anything though it will shove all these feelings down. I've had some beer which given it was by myself I put that in the unhealthy box.

    But I've slept most of the past 2 days. Prayed some. Went to church. Reset next week's schedule to make sure I could get to the gym every day. Came back here.

    Message at church was how to deal with difficult people. Wendy is difficult. I have feelings for her but she's not managing her "stuff" very well. I do not have room in my healthy -- or at least improving in health life -- for the chaos. So she's got to go at least for now. Fighting inside a little bit on that but I know it is a must do. Just the doing -- the cancelling, the communicating that with her, the not having someone again because I've chosen that -- that all just sucks.

    Key line though from the service was: "Choose your path, then choose your people."

    I have a path. And know what I want in "my people".

    Thanks to all of you for being part of my people. No one else in my life knows all this. I'll have to share eventually. I'm grateful I have a safe place to work life out.


    Back on the path. Still work to do. But pretty pleased at my mostly resilient response to this.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am sad tonight.

    I'm going to cancel Wendy's and I's date Tuesday night which was because of her visitation schedule our V-day date. It is with friends of mine who I've known for 30 years. I'm going to still go. But I don't want to celebrate Valentines Day when it feels like she already celebrated it with someone else. And then lied. In my past, I would have gone crazy trying to "win the prize". There is no prize.

    I'm also going to cancel our trip --- or at least my going -- to Phoenix. Again, can't imagine faking it with someone who lied to me.


    I can still see myself with her. But, damn, she's got work to do. And I can not find forgiveness when it is just words.

    I'm surprised that she didn't reach out tonight to talk. We chatted this morning. She was going to spend the day by herself. Kind of expected a -- I worked through things and I was wrong -- but that didn't come.

    Fuck it.

    Yet, I care for her.

    And then .... I know the situation as it stands is toxic for me.

    So I am sad.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Rugger, sorry to hear it. Being lied to is tough to forgive. She seems to have a lot of what you want - but that's a biggie.
    Going 34 days is great, no matter how it happened! I should probably reset too, since my last week hasn't been too bad, but not the totally clean slate I'm shooting for. As you said in my journal, it's Groundhog day again and again, and really cleaning up my act is the only way to stop that.
    I wish you the best with whatever happens with Wendy. And it's good to hear from you again.
  7. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    welcome back. good to hear from you again. we meander sometimes but need to always stay on the path. the longer we stay on this path the less we sidetrack. i have a wife of 43 years and yes i care for her but she is her and i am me. i can not change her or will her to do my bidding. i can not expect her to make me happy, being trying for years, sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. so i use PMO to fill that void that supposedly she doesn"t. everything that i am looking for from her and everyone else to make me whole is already in me. i just need to work on me then everything else will fall into place. hasn't yet but steadily improving. like the old saying says " i have met the enemy and it is me". for today i will clean my side of the street, do the next right thing in front of me and keep trudging forward. i don't know if i will eventually find heaven, but for sure i know how to find hell-PMO. hang in there my brother. don't quit before the miracle. another one of my old man ramblings.
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Badger, very wise words.
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @badger, thank you for that!

    I'm ok. Multi day depression is coming to an end. I have had a bit too much of the PMO self medicine. With the depression waning I'm better equipped to shut that down. Resetting tonight but I'm done with that routine. Feel tomorrow will be a better day.

    I do hurt. But I'll shake it off faster than I've shaken similar things off in the past. I miss the possibilities of having a woman in my life to double date with friends, travel with, etc. more than I miss Wendy. The whole thing makes my brain and heart hurt. Not Friday night but the whole lead up to it.

    The biggest hurt is as was beginning to see possibilities for having someone in my life ... that person goes .. and I have zero alternatives. There is an abundance of women in the world and, yet, I just do not seem to find one that sticks.

    I kept the dinner date with the other couple. The 3 of us were great friends in college - 35 years ago -- and there was no reason to cancel. We had a great time! That really broke the log jam on the depression.

    There was a reason I was starting again with Wendy date to date. I didn't trust that she had put her crazy away. Mine does still exist but I feel I'm managing it. She ... not so much ... my instinct to not dive in fully was dead on.

    Time for bed.

  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Started this message Wednesday morning ...

    Mostly depression funk free. Had the choice this morning to get out of bed or to stay in bed and PMO. I got up and out. Last few days I made the PMO decision. As the depression clears it is easier to stay on track.

    Today is the day!

    I had a great dinner with friends last night. The restaurant is a hard to get into new restaurant. They are listed on the NY Times best 50 list. There was no way I was going to cancel just because I didn't have a date! Being with old friends helped clear the funk. I spent about 5 minutes telling my story. My friends are husband and wife -- I introduced them. She said "you deserve better" and then we went about our night. I've never felt 3rd wheel with them. I'm so glad I went.


    Again, tempted to PMO during my wake up time in bed. Up and out.

    I'm getting stronger and less depressed. Still feel the tug. Specific thoughts trigger it ...

    It hurts to think I was second choice. The guy she went out with was someone who she broke up with b/c ironically he had a girlfriend. She shared that the relationship was toxic and was open about how it fell apart. It is beyond my understanding how she got to yes when he asked her out for Friday night. I told her she picked her Valentine and it wasn't me which is why I cancelled our Valentines Day date. Knowing the truth to that hurts. I'm not dwelling on it but the thought seeps into my consciousness here and there.

    There is no one else ... I was feeling really good having a woman to do things with ... to invite to events with friends and their wives ... the lack of that triggers my PMO.

    I just feel this sense of loss, this hole in my chest. Wendy was not the soulmate love of my life. I was in the process of making a decision about getting serious again b/c in many ways we are a great fit. I knew it would be more partnership than passion. My past relationships have been more passion and have flared out. Guess passion won out here! The feeling of loss is driving the depression.


    All in all this is a little bump. It is nothing like some huge breakups I've had in the past where it literally takes years to get over.

    I am doing a few things to shake this off though ....

    Taking Friday off to make sure I get my workout in. That's the part of my routine that has suffered as work has gotten more busy. I'll work Friday but the central point of the day is working out.

    Doing things with friends. Dinner Tuesday. Client happy hour (and then bed -- no beer run afterward) last night. Work breakfast at a networking event this morning. Hiking Saturday. The more I am with people the less the depression sticks.

    I feel pretty good. I was in a great spot .... 30-plus days .. then a bit of adversity that was highly emotional ... I dealt with it positively (e.g. in the past I would have been worried about fighting to the number one spot to "claim the prize" ... a woman that lies to me is no prize and I'm not fighting this time) by cancelling dates and walking away .... I've not held on to the anger ... she's near emotional breakdown and I don't relish that .. and I've let the anger go b/c I know that would eat me up for a long while ... I DID PMO ... but I'm back to solid ground in less than a week out of the binge zone ...

    I wish I had stopped the PMO over the weekend when I knew it was a problem ... that's the one thing I would do differently in this whole thing.

    Moving on ...

    Mozenjo likes this.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Still touching more than I want to but no PMO or MO for that matter. The need for self medication is wearing off and the "doses" are declining ... not enough to reset counter but enough that I admit I've some cleaning up to still do.

    I miss having a connection throughout the day. We texted or talked here and there all day long. Those touches were different than the deluge of work calls and emails I deal with every day. I notice them gone.

    I miss knowing that it is the weekend, that I was going to go on a date, have fun and then come home and get physical.

    I don't miss her so much as those two things that involved her. Could be someone else. Just at the moment the position is vacant.

    There is also a part of me that wants to ask her out and bed her again to reclaim what's mine. Twisted thinking but it runs through my head. And that is often followed by the self doubting -- well, yeah, if you could get it up! -- which isn't a fun cycle of thought. It isn't constant but has crept into my thoughts from time to time.

    Other than that ....

    Hiking tomorrow.
    Hanging out with my oldest this weekend.

    Feeling pretty good.

  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    On a merry go round with the PMO. Just reset again. I'm doing a 2 day turn at the moment.

    Hiked this morning. Door dashed a great breakfast. Napped. PMO'd. Sigh.

    Great start and then a blip.

    Reset just an hour ago. Walked the dog. Sitting down here to restart my day and try to make something of the weekend.

    Overwhelming feeling is one of loneliness. I've done a job of getting caught up on the fact that kicking her to the curb means I have no one. There isn't a number two option. There isn't a slim possibility. And I'm hung up on that. That, of course, wires me to drip with low confidence around women and do things that have a desperate stink to them. And, knowing that adds another layer to the YUCK I am feeling.

    The mood I'm in is one that if I went out tonight it would feel worse b/c I'm so hyper sensitive to this feeling of uncurable lonely.

    I KNOW it isn't but if FEELS like it is.

  13. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I know you are hurting RD and I feel for you, but you need get back on track and do a proper reboot so your confidence will grow and so will your ability to get out there and meet someone new. You got this RD!
  14. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    hang in there my brother. pulling for you.
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Rugger, you will get through this a stronger man, I'm sure of it. Knowing when to end a relationship is a skill not all people possess. And staying in a bad relationship just to keep from being lonely does not work. I admire your strength of character. You have friends here and I'm glad you spent time with some "in person" friends recently. We all know what a decent person you are. Be well.
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Wow. It's been 3 weeks since I've posted here.

    Lots has happened. And not much has happened at all.

    I'm resetting for what I hope is a long while.

    Two biggest things that have happened (or are happening) are related.

    My backpacking crew went all in on Lent. We have a weight loss contest, made a number of commitments to cut crap out of our lives -- no bread, no beer, no red meat -- as well as commitments to add some things into our lives -- workout daily, piece of fruit daily, vegetable forward meals etc. We went out Fat Tuesday for dinner and drinks and then locked it down ...

    I made it 8 days. The eighth day my firm had a leadership happy hour with clients. I drank a lot of water! And took some gentle ribbing for going dry. I also received a lot of positive comments about my doing it. I'd already lost 10 pounds and some said it showed (BULLSHIT!). One of my female friends went on an on how beautiful my skin was .... My knees that usually constantly ache from arthritis didn't hurt at all. I zero'd in on the hottest woman in the crowd and went over and introduced myself. She was married (and it turns out I know her husband) so it didn't go anywhere at all but I shot a shot.

    I felt great!

    And I couldn't handle it.

    I've spent the last few days just totally sabotaging myself. I grabbed a six pack on my way home from the happy hour. I've binged on porn. Ate a pizza. Stopped working out.

    I feel awful right now. My knees hurt. I woke up this morning hung over. I feel like an overfilled water balloon.

    I feel normal. I feel comfortable.

    This is the starkest example I have ever experienced of my self sabotage.

    I'm stepping back to the Lenten commitment. I'm going to share with my friends what's gone on. I am going to work through it.

    Abc likes this.
  17. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    the tortoise and the hare. as for me i try to emulate the tortoise. when i put too much on my plate i get sick and throw up. just thinking every day that i have to eat that and not eat that. i have to exercise. i have to pray. i have to not flirt. i have to sleep enough. i have to not cuss. i have to not stare at women. it's just too much stress for me to try to change my whole life by next wednesday. it took many years of watching filth to make what i am today. so in essence i am changing who i am not what i do. it is going to take a long time for me. how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time. we are our own worst enemies. be compassionate with yourself, but aware. for me it's daily positive habits. i will say to myself in the morning-just for today i will not stare at hot women. a strong rope is made up of many very small strings. hang in there, my brother. don't quit before the miracle. another one of my old man ramblings.
    Boxer17, Abc and Mozenjo like this.
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hang in there, Rugger. You know that self-sabotage is not normal and comfortable. It may be familiar, but it's not normal. You're an amazing guy who has so much going for you. I think Badger has a good point. Sometimes you seem like a rocket who shoots for the stars and shines so brightly that it looks like you're Superman. But that kind of energy burns you out. You know you can do this. I know you can. Slow and steady wins the race may sound boring, but the intense highs and lows are exhausting.
    As always, I'm on your side, my friend.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, @badger, thank you!

    Moz, one of my good friends here talks about me being a roller coaster. Up and down. His vantage point is an undulating, random up and down. Your rocket ship is from the I AM GOING TO DO IT NOW posts followed by silence followed by introspection only to be followed by I AM GOING ...

    You are both right, of course.

    That's largely my life pattern. That rocket ship has had some great highs! And the crashes it has made coming back to Earth have been just as spectacular. Sometimes the up and down is less dramatic.

    The up is the energy I feel to change and the investment I make to do it.

    I've identified the self sabotage in therapy.

    That's the crash or the rollercoaster ride down .....

    With this last event I felt it. I knew in the midst of the crash I was making decisions deep down to crash.

    I felt uncomfortable feeling good.

    Or I feel bad feeling good.

    Well now I know.

    I have known I self sabotage.

    I've written about it before.

    But I've never experienced it like I did this week.

    I knew what I was doing and still doing it.

    Just like the chain of events that leads from a stressor triggering a porn binge I knew the extra beer, the pizza, the porn .. were slowing tearing the good feelings down ... in fact to be honest with myself I knew I was going to tear that down and that is why I did it.

    I've talked this through with a couple of friends ... it's me deeply protecting me ... scared of failure, scared of being hurt again .... I keep by awesomeness in check because a fall from mediocre heights might hurt a bit but it isn't going to kill me. Another significant break up feels like it will shatter my soul. If I keep myself suppressed who wants me? Oh, women I'm not interested in. That's safe.

    So there's the why.

    Now what do I do with it ...
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  20. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    The fact that you can see and became aware of a few triggers and patterns alone will change your perception and thinking and your actions if you keep at it. Awareness is transformational and the more you become aware the more you will change. Yes we can know something is bad for us and still do it for a long time, but as soon as we become aware of why we are doing it and what keeps us inprissioned in this habbit, the roots of it and can see and feel it, things start to change, especially if we can stay aware in the moments the urges come back. All the best.
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2022
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