Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    just realized that the timing means I'm giving myself 14 days of NO PMO for Christmas!

    Libertad and TrueSelf like this.
  2. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Like the reading goal, also the hardcover part. I understand how easy it is to get distracted reading from a device.

    Let us know some of the books you read. What are you into and are you looking for any recommendations ?
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Tomato76 would welcome and love recommendations.

    Two down down so far:

    The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter
    We Were Soldiers Once ... and Young by Hal Young

    Just looking to both expand my horizons and to be entertained. Specifically trying to avoid books regarding my work which is centered around IT risk management and related topics. Anything else is fair game.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I've actually enjoyed this last week of isolation though I did sleep quite a bit more than I would care to admit. COVID for me includes both brutal fatigue as well as this random insomnia. I've mostly slept but two nights I experienced awful insomnia. If it is like my first time, I'll likely have continued bouts of both for awhile. But today is my last day of quarantine so starting tomorrow I can get out and about.

    The biggest thing I've done this past week or so is get comfortable with being by myself.

    I've read. I didn't feel ALL that bad so twice I walked the dog with a ruck sack on. Over the last month I've walked the dog enough that he EXPECTS to walk in the morning. Suddenly his anxiety is a feature b/c if I don't walk him he loses his mind. I made the switch from "damn that dog!" to seeing the insistent as a feature - helped me start a new habit .. a healthy habit. I've cleaned something in my apartment every day even when I was at my sickest. I rearranged my kitchen to make it easier to do food prep. I have a list of to dos that I'm going to tackle this week -- some to help me be more ready for 2022 and others just for fun.

    I don't want to be by myself all the time. I don't want to always be single. I'm an extrovert and want to be with people. But this past few weeks I've found some places in me that are ok with being alone, ok with being single. The temptation during Holiday's to just find someone has in the past led me to dating apps. Didn't happen this time. I realize when I look that way I end up feeling emptier than when I don't look.

    I realize that the path to being someone isn't a path you chart.

    I'm going to find a woman -- in this crazy abundant world of women -- when I am comfortable with myself and when I cross paths with "her" doing something.

    But I can't do to find ... I have to do because I enjoy the doing ...

    Long ruck later today.
    Back to Crossfit tomorrow.
    Back to church.

    I'll find myself in those places. I won't find "her" until I find me.

    Libertad likes this.
  5. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi Ruggerdoug, I want to give back the compliment, your latest post hit home for me. Great observations, insides and ideas especially that the joy comes from the doing. I wish you well for this journey.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Yesterday got a little out of hand at the end of the day.

    I ran out of healthy things to do and just started surfing the news online.

    That was a gateway to bad habits.

    The chain of bad moves stopped when I clicked on a link to a porn web site, saw enough to be disgusted but not enough to keep going (there's a tipping point there) and prayed a prayer of gratitude until it all passed.

    Part of me says I should reset as it certainly wasn't a pure moment. String a few of those together and I'm right back into the addiction.

    Part of me wants to celebrate the last second stoppage! That gratitude prayer should have been pulled out of the tool box about 20 minutes into surfing the news (legit reading of the news and then I started to wander). I knew I was in rough territory but didn't act to stop. I did look at my stack of books. I have great stack but need some entertaining only choices. I was not in the mood to go heavy and that's all that's in the stack at the moment.

    I'm going to leave the counter where it is but put it down as two strikes. There was not any real P to speak of, just enough to produce revulsion at where I was and certainly no "O". I get it's rationalization all the way around. Next close call and I am going to hit the reset.

    My challenge now is that I'm well ... this was easy when I was sleeping 18 hours a day!

    Now that I've got COVID off my back I have to focus on a full on 24-day life .... I needed this scare.

    TrueSelf likes this.
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Delayed Christmas Dinner at my son's last night. Great meal and 2 beers. All is good.

    On the drive home stopped and picked up a six pack. Not so good. Killed it before bedtime.

    Paying the price. Yesterday I weighed 258, 14 pounds down from when I started working at it as I work toward a 50 pound weight loss goal.

    265 on the scaled this morning ... all water weight .. but still that and that I felt like crap was a firm reminder I CAN NOT DO THAT.

    Weight loss goal has kept the beer consumption down because it is a measurable goal - 50 pounds in 6 months.

    We had a great time together ... I didn't come home negatively stressed out ... it was if I couldn't handle the positive emotions I left dinner with ....

    NO PMO though. And this wasn't a huge fail just a lesson to learn from.

    I want to stop learning lessons and just live a good healthy streak!

    I type that and realize learning lessons is a part of being healthy so in a way I am.

    positivef likes this.
  8. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I agree with this. There have been times in the past I have wandered down the wrong path far enough (but prior to beginning PMO) where I thought I needed to reset my counter. After that it easy to justify, "might as well make it count with full PMO". Followed by, "might as well do a few more PMOs as my counter is at zero".
    I think everyone's goal is to be free of PMO not to have a huge number on their counter. If your actions are getting you closer to freedom then they should be celebrated.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  9. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    (replying to earlier post)

    I love reading physical books too and feel they help with brain healing. Interesting observation about them being containers. However, I didn't really get into reading until my twenties, and I've never been a prolific reader. Occasionally, whenever I get out of the habit, I have to remind myself to get back into the reading frame of mind, and making time for it.

    I'm currently reading The Book of Trespass.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @positivef .... that looks good ... I think I will add it to my list ... actually getting on Amazon today to order at least 5 more books to add to the stack ... the stack is what I have to choose from when I don't have anything else to do ... learned this week it needs to be broader in topics .... so at least one book always looks interesting ...

    @TrueSelf .... I used to do a spreadsheet because you could track the important small things rather than focus on on big boolean I did or I didn't ... the thing I like about the spreadsheet, too, is that you can add other things ... I know alcohol is a trigger for my depression which is a trigger for my M if not all the combinations you can come up with P, M & O ... that's a self inflicted trigger ... with a spreadsheet you can set some measures to measure those things .... and, yes, you are right, many times I've made the decision to reset and then dove into a porn because "why not I'm already resetting" ...

    My goal is to live my life as the healthy authentic me. Counters are only a tool. Same for the spreadsheet for that matter .... but with the spreadsheet I can have a bad day and then look at a period of time and if I'm honest with myself know that bad day was just a bad day or part of a pattern ...

    My counter is going to be NO PMO ... and I am solid there ... so I am not changing it even as I struggle within the details ... that I'll save for the spreadsheet.

    positivef, Mozenjo and TrueSelf like this.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Last night my youngest son and I went to a bookstore together and then grabbed dinner.

    I got less books than I planned but did add 3 to my stack.

    One book is a cook book called Ruffage. I like to cook. Love vegtables. It was a natural choice. It is written in a way that reading it front to back makes sense. You aren't just reading ingredient lists. Read the damn thing until 3 am. Couldn't stop.

    To be fair I had trouble sleeping and picked the book up to fill the time with the hope I would get sleepy.

    Reading lit my damn brain up and I couldn't turn it off. Not exactly a PMO moment. I slept in and didn't do anything I'm ashamed of ... but ... a lot of my "stuff" is about how poorly my ability to turn my brain off is ...

    Different than PMO but related ...

    Just pondering.

    positivef and TrueSelf like this.
  12. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Seems like something that could be an asset if tamed a little. Do you know why you had trouble sleeping in the first place?
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member


    I have not PMO'd at all this year!


    I want to be able to say that 12/31/22 ... !
    Mozenjo likes this.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @positivef, there are two topics there though it isn't obvious.

    I've had COVID twice now. The aftermath of both cases was a long running insomnia. I already have trouble sleeping but COVID recovery just amps it up! I read to 430 this morning because I wasn't tired. Going to be a touch restart to the work world next week!

    I am quite certain that I've been doing two things wrong with my overactive brain. Feeling uncomfortable with it, I've tried to shut it off with PMO, alcohol and other shenanigans. Those choices do indeed shut thinking down and calm the anxiety that comes with it. But eventually the anxiety returns and the cycle repeats. What I've found reading is that my brain still doesn't shut down but it gets lit up thinking about topics related to my reading. Bonus is that I believe because I'm learning new things as I read I'm healing.

    The downside is once I get that brain lit up I can't stop! I get into a mental flow and lose track of time. Both of these nights I was up late late (or early as it was really morning) I had no concept of time.

    So I need to work on setting some boundaries for myself which is not a strong suite.

    But at least I don't have a shame cycle built into the "oh, shit I over read!" ... I'm just tired the next day!

    positivef likes this.
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Moved my counting to a PMO spreadsheet I found on No Fap. Added Erotica & M, which is a gateway for me and Drink Alone, also a gateway.

    Those two are more problematic for me than PMO itself.

    My spreadsheet has 4 measures -- PMO, MO, LM, DA -- a great day is when I count zeros across the board. I've had some good days though this past several weeks where I have MO'd without content help. I feel like an occasional MO without content given that I'm single isn't a bad thing. In fact I've read arguments (or rationalizations?!) it helps with rewiring. I've also had some ok no PMO days where I've had my head in erotica or where I sat up and killed a six pack alone. PMO counter says those were good days but they really weren't.

    I may add some other behaviors if I think they are contributing.

    But we shall see where we go from here.

    Woke up hard this morning. Didn't touch at all. Feeling pretty strong if not totally healthy!

    Mozenjo likes this.
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    As long as you're conscious of the other bad habits you have, and that you are working on them too, then I think you're doing well. The primary goal seems to be getting off porn, and in that sense, I would say you are doing very well. Yes, the other "workarounds" we use to quell our desire to view porn can be damaging. Good for you for identifying them.
  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, actually my primary goal is not to get off porn. Or perhaps better said, my ONLY primary goal is not to rid myself of porn but rather to live healthy.

    Porn -- and sex -- was the most dopamine rich choice in all my bad choices. All those choices were triggered because I stuff stress, anxiety and other negatives deep down. All the bad habits were to keep me from feeling or thinking about what I was stuffing down. Fifty some (57 tomorrow!) years of stuffing and there's a lot to keep from feeling or thinking about. Rather than deal with all that head trash I've self medicated.

    Porn is the ugliest of my choices. But it is just one of many that come from the fact I do not live a healthy life.

    And, they all fit together. I drink at night to go to sleep, sleep poorly, wake up tired, fap sometime during the day to wake up! I over eat and feel shame so I fap to feel better which then brings more shame. And so on.

    So my focus in 2022 is living healthy -- with a schedule that puts me first, a budget, a healthy diet (not on a diet but eating healthy), being physical, being social ... etc -- instead of surviving with PMO and the other self medicine chest.

    TrueSelf and positivef like this.
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I like your plan. Live a healthy life. Let's do that!
    And Happy Birthday. You're six years younger than me. But I was here posting on these pages when I was your age o_O !!!
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Trying to work this routine.

    Totally clean on the PMO spreadsheet yesterday.

    Sleep is going to be my undoing. Last night was my second night of bad sleep. Just have to push through it. Hard to get up on a routine when I can't sleep.

    positivef likes this.
  20. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hi Doug,

    The title sounds depressing, but I read a book called the Seven Ages of Death by Richard Shepherd ...

    Its a really interesting read by a British Doctor about post mortems/ autopsies he has performed from infant to octagenarian, but he builds a story around the lives, family and circumstances of the dead, also providing some interesting detail, from a medical standpoint, about the causes of their death.

    I know it sounds a bit grim, but it is getting excellent reviews over here, and it's definitely not niche, for fans of gloomworks etc.

    I will check out the titles you posted.
    positivef likes this.

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