Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. jumptime

    jumptime New Member

    . I’m a practicing Christian but I find that Buddhist practices are helpful in dealing with addiction. My Christianity is overladen with guilt and shame that developed early in life. My Christian faith guides my life. My Buddhist practices are a great complement not overladen with shame. The Buddhist practices work directly with the mind and brain where our PMO problem resides.
  2. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    whatever it takes to beat this ugly filthy habit.
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Reset week.

    I have a little work today and tomorrow but for the most part I have the week off.

    When I'm done with the week I'm going to have 7 days on the counter and have begun to implement the "Rugger's reset plan" which is a mix of stuff from my self care plan for my depression.

    •Morning routine - come up with a doable less than 1 hour morning routine before I start work
    •Bedtime routine - come up with a doable less than 1 hour wind down to follow each evening
    •Church - it is well past time I went back ... I have not gone back because if I go back I'll be a hypocrite for going and PMOing ... to choose not to go is to choose to PMO ... so it is time to go back
    •CrossFit - getting sick and travel blew that routine up. Going tonight at 7. Nervous because it is going to kick my ass! Scheduling forward CFT comes first on the schedule.
    •No lonely alcohol - this is going to be more difficult than I want to admit ... I drink when I'm bored ... I drink when I can't sleep ... I have no alcohol in the house so fucking this up is going to take some planning but I have it in me to talk myself into "just tonight" ... I'm at this point more concerned about my drinking than my PMO ... so the rule is no drinking alone ... I can do work events and family/friends events ... but no sitting at home sucking down the beers ...
    •No PMO - duh ... I'm alright with the porn part but I do easily let subs slip in like erotica ... and sometimes it seems like I "M" constantly ...
    •No literotica - but I repeat myself ... this is the gateway to porn for me ... I have to stop making "one more story" an OK thing

    I'm actually starting 2 days late. I made some bad choices over the weekend. But today ... Monday ... I am firmly starting.

    It is interesting to me .. in 2015 when I started this fight (yes @Mozenjo can you believe it's been that long!) life was shitty. PMO contributed. I was in a long protracted brutal divorce. My business was failing. I was totally disconnected with life, family, friends, reality because all my brain cycles were about porn or sex. That was enough rock bottom that I started the fight ..... but the real rock bottom was in 2016 when I divorced, lost girlfriend (yes, there's a story there!), house, almost sons, almost business ... porn and sex were the predominant self medications ....

    Aside: Ironic to have a sex addiction and not be able to get it up.

    Today life is better. But I'm making bad choices. There is stress. Work has been difficult this year. I'm in an empty nest and lonely much of the time. Money should not be a problem but it is because of my youngest son's college bills. My mental health is not so good because I've chosen to let the stress and work to be first in my life. So my self medication this year is back to 2016 levels with less porn and more alcohol.

    I am marching toward the bottom if I don't stop. It is as simple as that.

    This week is going to be hard. But critical.

    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Reset this morning. Last night was difficult. I don't think I realize how much I use beer as a means to go to sleep. I didn't sleep well at all. Tossed and turned and short naps but no real sleep. I'm tired this morning. But at no point did I feel tempted to run out and "fix things" with a six-pack.

    I did PMO last night at one point to try to get to sleep.

    So the reset. But I feel good with where I am ... did everything on my plan list yesterday. Working out felt very good. And shut the alcohol down.

    It's a process and I'm making the right steps.

  5. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    it's very difficult to deal with multiple addictions at the same time. i am an alcoholic. been sober 18 yrs. the book "rational recovery" by jack trimpey helped me immensely. am using it for this porn addiction as well. this one is a lot harder. hang in there my brother.
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Strength @ruggerdoug ! You can do this! One day at a time! Each and every victory counts!
    Tomato76 and Woolomooki like this.
  7. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Wow! @Rudolf Geyse, @Woolomooki, @badger ... I truly appreciate the support.

    I realize right now I'm rooting this out hours at a time rather than days.

    I've hit the 4 hour mark of not looking or touching. My reset was really last night late but I woke up and started again this morning so I'm holding myself to monk mode. So anyway it has been 4 hours.

    I simply wrote of list of things to do and have played the game of crossing them off. Helps with depression. Helps focus away from acting out on an addiction.

    Comfortably sore from the workout yesterday ... but it is a good sore because I can kind of feel the old me.

    My son is 3 hours away from coming home for Thanksgiving ... and then it will get much easier to stay away from porn and touching.

    No alcohol in the house and I'm feeling pretty resolute about keeping things that way.

    I've gotten stuck on alcohol in the past and found it easy to walk away from. Not this time. I've been using it through much of the pandemic to get to sleep. Didn't realize it was a problem until I started to work on getting myself fit and couldn't stop.

    Night time is going to be a challenge for a while. I'm glad I have the week off and can just work through it.

    At some level I can't believe I've slipped this far. But it is what it is. And it is from choices I've made. Just need to make different choices.

    Mindset is very good at the moment.

    Again, thank you for the support!

    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    And there's a day on the counter ....

    With each 4 hour block it is getting easier.

    I can't believe I fell this far over the last 6 or so months. But here I am.

    I've been caught up in a shame cycle that fed the ongoing addictions.

    Feels like I've broken that.

    I'm doing a 10000 kettle bell swing challenge. You swing a heavy bell 500 time a day for 20 days. I'm not up to 500 times yet. But I've swung two days in a row. And that's enough to give me a hand hold on climbing out. Feels good to meet a simple commitment even if its only two days. I'm climbing my way to 500 and then I'm going to start the challenge. It is an excuse free workout. I have bells. I can swing in my home. By 150 I'm sweating. It feels so good.

    Playing life in 4 hour blocks also has built some confidence back in. Make a list of things to do. See how much I can get done -- work, workout, meditate, read, nap -- and then when 4 hours is over do another list. No time for PMO. And feel good about the accomplishment of stacking another 4 hours on the counter.

    So I see one day on the counter, feel a sliver of good about myself, and feel pretty confident that I won't drink today and I won't PMO.

    Looking at tomorrow I'm spending the day with my sons so I won't be lonely tomorrow.

    So even though I'm just a couple rungs off the floor of the abyss I'm a couple of rungs off the floor of the abyss. And it feels like I'm climbing.

  10. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hey RD... Good to see you have had a bit of a reset to get out of the shame cycle!

    I like the 4 hour block approach to accomplishing stuff. I often list out things I need to do over a whole day or a week and after doing a few tasks lose sight of the list/ discard it. May try it myself!
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Tomato76, I learned the 4 hour block when I was learning to self manage my depression. Turns out it is a good anti addiction trick, too!

    Today has been an ok day. No work. Slept in. Did some things around the house. Ran some errands. Bought fixings to go with the ham and turkey for tomorrow. Napped. Did a 3 mile hike with my best friend. Worked out. All in all a good day.

    No binge drinking. No porn. Can't say I didn't touch because I have a number of times. The addiction becomes habit that remains even after you have the addiction at bay. It is frustrating.

    Tomorrow I'm with the boys afternoon and into the evening. Cooking the meat tomorrow. Should be a relaxed day with deadlines so it will be somewhat protected.

    Tomato76 likes this.
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I divide my week into twenty-one 5-hour blocks as well: morning, afternoon, evening. On pomodoro time that works out to about 1 hour of rest, four hours of work in each (daytime) block. Ensuring I balance work and rest has always been tricky for me cos my work requires some evenings and weekend blocks from me, so I try aim for between 7-10 "rest blocks" a week. The system has been revolutionary for me.
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse, interesting. I'll have to add the pomodoro time lit to my reading list. I've read about but don't know exactly how it works.

    Yes, my work creeps into my weekends and weeknights. I've been terrible at controlling boundaries this year. The expectations in the IT world have risen since COVID, my team was short staffed and I get bonused on profits which translated there was a lot of opportunity to be rewarded very well but not the staff to get the work done. I threw all in without worrying about balance. That is 100% why I'm in the spot I'm in at the moment.

    Two observations ...

    1. In the best of times I'm terrible with balance. I always have been. Somewhere along the line I learned to sate the stress in life with M, brought porn into it and there you have it. My drinking has gone up this year as I've resisted porn but continued to M and look at porn subs.
    2. I need to define a routine and stick to it. When I have been balanced and addiction free in my my life it has been because I have had a defined routine. That is what I am working on this week. But it doesn't come naturally for me.

    No routine low chance for balance. No balance and I will continue to be at risk of acting out. Simple as that.

    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Reset at day 3.

    MO'd last night to get to sleep. Went to bed early ... like 1030 pm .. and laid awake for a long time ... the thought never went through my mind to make a late night beer run so I could sleep ... but I did finally give into the frustration of tossing and turning to rub one out so I could sleep. I made two choices, one good and one bad. A week ago I would have made 2 bad choices, done the beer run AND MO'd. So there's that.

    Scheduled CrossFit for this morning. The box prefers we preschedule. I sat down yesterday and scheduled the next 10 days. It is MISERABLE to wake up at 630 slightly hung over to workout. It was my first class back in a while and a sound trick to put the fitness first and the drinking last.

    I'm going to work on the Paula Hall book this evening.

    My 4 hour blocks up until then are doing things around the house.

    I am feeling better about myself and my situation. I know I've got quite a bit of work ahead of me.

    I do feel I have caught myself and stopped the downward spiral. I've made a little climb up and the further from the bottom of the fall I get as I climb the more resolute I am in getting back to healthy.

    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  15. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    keep climbing.
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Solid first day.

    Over my first coffee this morning, I looked over the list of "to do's" I made when this week long break started. Even with some work interruptions, I got everything done on my home to do list. I've restarted CrossFit (and I am sore as hell and it feels good). I've got a long list of work and personal finance stuff to get done today if I'm going to go back to the office done with the objectives I set out for the week. It doesn't feel so bad that the work stuff isn't done. As I've stepped away from the immediacy of work obligations that hold they have on me has resided.

    I'll prioritize what I do today based on must do and want to do ... the rest will just wait ...

    My apartment is visitor ready ... for years I've always been a clutterer the severity of which is tied to my depression and mental health ... my boys can tell my mental health based on how messy my apartment is ... at the moment someone from work, a friend, family, a date ... anyone ... could come over and be comfortable ... and more important I would not be uncomfortable, embarrassed or shamed by how it looks.

    The three most important things I've done this week:

    1. Focus on me which involved working to figure out how my life needed to change to be more balanced, which I've done, including deciding on things to do to make that balance happen.
    2. Getting my home into a place I feel some pride. There's certainly more to do but I feel like doing it now. I'm a great starting place.
    3. Restarting not just fitness but CrossFit. Realized during a partner workout how much I enjoy the intensity of working out with others. I'll feel even better about myself when I get this extra weight peeled off. But it felt fantastic to push myself with others. It didn't feel competitive, just intense. And intense in a way I can't find on my own. I need that intensity in my life. If I don't have it I go looking for it in porn and other stupid behaviors.

    On to day 2!

    Mozenjo and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Three days not entirely solid. Solid enough to not change the counted. No porn or subs in 3 days. Some reaching and touching more out of habit than from a desire to self medicate. OK on the alcohol front.

    Closest call was last night after I got home from a long day on the road. Couldn't sleep. Jumped onto an erotica site and started to scroll story titles and thought "fuck it what's the point", left the site and put the phone down. That starting move was more reaction and habit to my now being able to sleep. The thing I didn't do was jump to alcohol. It was a terrible night of sleep but no real slip on either front.

    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  18. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i have never heard of anyone dying of lack of sleep. change is difficult. dramatic change even harder. our bodies are used to what they are used to. good or bad. they will fight us every step of the way to keep it the same. i just keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next right thing. hang in there my brother. don't quit before the miracle. praying for you.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Made it to six days and slipped yesterday.

    Overall everything is moving in the right direction even with the slip.

    Thoughts to share are the same thoughts I've been sharing.

    Just working through the process.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  20. BaldrRising

    BaldrRising Member

    I really like your idea of a bedtime routine, and will incorporate it into my evenings. Night time I get so wired and can't sleep. Badly need something to calm me down so I can get decent sleep.

    What do you do for your bedtime routines to get you to sleep?

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