Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, this is just stupid at this point.

    I used to bite my nails when I was nervous. My cuticles would bleed sometime. At some point in my 20s I stopped. Same with Diet Coke. Video games for days. And lots of other things that I've left behind.

    I've quit things before.

    M, more than porn now, but still porn. And beer. Just stuck with giving the two up. If I dial down the PMO, dating apps, etc. I fill the spot with beer. Throttle the volume of beer down, PMO.

    It is 100% stress that even though I know what it is and even though it is less, uh, stressful, than it used to be, I am still compensating through addiction.

    The end result is total protection against a relationship because I'm too fat to think I'm attractive and too limp to have confidence if I do go on a date.

    And the twisted part of all of it is that I am ok with that because I truly don't feel like I deserve the good things I have in life. And most especially do I feel like I don't deserve a woman in my life -- or at least a woman of quality.

    So the way I am choosing to live my life proves that point and provides a protective barrier for a woman to slip into life.

    Even though I KNOW this my feelings are in charge.

  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am picking a fight with myself, intentionally.

    I've spent the last 3 months or so going 1 or 2 days (or less) avoiding PMO or just M. I've started working out but also drinking beer and eating too much particularly too late at night. I'm up 10 pounds from the 10 I lost in Montana. Prior to Montana I was doing well. Work stress blew up in late May / early June with staffing and my finding out I was in for my son's college nearly 100%. I've not been able to shake the stress. And it is eating me up. My choice of self medication works in the moment but makes it all that much worse.

    This past week while still doing a crappy job with the PMO and the beer I worked out every day. This weekend I reset my schedule to put fitness closer to the top of the list. It feels to me that I'm treading water in this big toxic sea. I can't seem to stop or manage the stress. I can commit to daily fitness. It is almost like I've found an island I can swim to while the no PMO island is too far away.

    The war is I am going all in on fitness. Downloaded Noom a weight loss app. I'm logging food, exercise and my daily weight in it. I'm working out at CrossFit every day and doing a shorter heavy compound lift every day. That's two hours of moving per day along with a goal of 10000 steps. There is no room for PMO in that. While I've not lost any weight since joining the CrossFit gym my mobility has improved and I feel better. I'm meeting people in class. Now I'm like 20 years older than everyone but fuck that being a problem.

    It is a war because I'm going to resist the effort. I've got a scorecard in the way Noom works. And I'm letting some friends -- you guys are included! -- know to help me be accountable.

    I have to focus on something positive. I'm not going to drink beer as much. I'm not going to PMO. I'm not going to M. None of those are really rallying cries.

    I am going to get fit.
    I am going to lose weight.
    When I am bored or stressed I am going to - walk, lift, row, practice some CrossFit skill I suck at -- gives me an immediate outlet instead of "take a nap and M before I sleep" or "drink beer at night so I can sleep" which are terrible yet usual choices.

    The fight is that while part of me knows this will get me moving in a positive direction rather than just treading water and wants it .. another part of me is just fine drinking, gaining weight and fapping.

    When I walk into a new situation I carry all this damn limp dick shame with me.

    Getting fit will be some armor against that. And my obesity is a factor in my ED. So it will actually help improve the physical side of the situation.

    I still have work to do.

    I do not know how to effectively manage or reduce my stress.

    Counseling has been put on hold because of a glitch with insurance that is being worked out.

    Five years ago I was in crisis. I would PMO binge style 5 or more times a day all day long. In terms of total time my acting out is a touch over an hour (tracked it last week). But it is devestating.

    I think that sleeping with someone in May triggered this whole mess, too, now that I think about it (I'm just going with the flow as I write).

    Things worked with her! A couple of times. She was younger -- dating app meet -- and, while fun and attractive, not someone I would introduce to friends. It didn't feel right even as it did. So I stopped hooking up with her.

    Since then ... yes this is part of it .. since then I've been in this low grade keep the walls up drink and PMO mode. I'll stop for a few days at most and start again. But it has kept me in "my place".

    I am getting out of that place the only way I know how.

    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  3. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Great plan great goals. Hang in there RD! Best,
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Old Tom Bombadil, thank you for the encouragement.

    Not a perfect day yesterday - I did reset.

    But a day of progress. At one point I was going to PMO again. Instead I got in the squat rack and squatted every minute on the minute a decently heavy weight for 20 minutes. By then the urge was gone.

    Slight wood this morning but left it alone.

    I wish I had continued the big streaks I had earlier this year. But they are gone. So now progress is going to be measured in hours and days.

    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  5. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    This is awesome - divert the blood flow and take your mind somewhere else. Do you have a squat rack at home?
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @True Change, yes, I've got a squat rack and a gym of sorts at home. My boys have always called it my prison gym. Used to be in our garage. Now it is on the back porch in my new place which is nice in its own way. It really is a no excuses set up. Which I've made lots of excuses not to use!

    That session certainly did divert the blood flow. And my mind.

    Today was a good day. Stayed focused at work. CrossFit tonight. It's a few minutes after 10 and I feel no temptation to stay up late or to walk 2 blocks for a beer for that matter.

    Intense physical activity -- CFT was a bitch tonight -- is a good drug.

  7. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    RD said: I wish I had continued the big streaks I had earlier this year. But they are gone. So now progress is going to be measured in hours and days.
    Yes but every day without PMO is a victory in itself and if you can string them together enough to clear the dopamine a bit then anything is possible. Sounds like the CrossFit is a great way forward.
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Old Tom Bombadil, yes, CFT is a good choice. I plan on working my way up to 5 days a week. I'm hitting 3 at the moment. If I can't make it I'm doing something at home though the intensity isn't as high. When I go, I'm in a class of people, which checks the extrovert box. A couple of the coaches are women -- the best coach so far is a woman -- and so I walk out of there every night with a conversation or two. Nothing more and thoughts don't go anywhere they shouldn't. When I'm not there I hurt! A couple of times I've thought about PMOing but because of a particular ache or pain I was reminded of my fitness goals.

    I'm at a solid 1 day streak right now. It is a pure and clean one day without any borderline peeks or slips that I rationalize away. It feels good.

    I'm sleeping better because I'm exhuasted and recovering from the workouts. This morning's morning wood -- which I left alone -- is now two days in a row.

    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Reset this weekend.

    Very melancholy weekend.

    My 12 year old Boston has suddenly developed extreme separation anxiety. I missed 2 Crossfit classes last week b/c I had evening work commitments and needed to do the 615 class. He unfortunately barks the entire time I'm gone which prompted the neighbor to complain. Sound proofed his crate this weekend but it doesn't really work too well. This is going to take some effort on my part to figure out. Vet getting a call tomorrow. At the moment I feel locked down.

    So I spent some of my weekend self medicating. Yes, that's the reason for the reset.

    But I also ... started really right after the reset ... started pondering life.

    I choose to reset. I choose to drink beer and order food late at night. I choose to not workout.

    I went over to my sons new place last night. Was able to take the dog and at least get out of the house. Couldn't find a shirt I liked that fit right. I feel fat. I feel I've given up some of my masculinity and strength.

    I'm really feeling sorry for myself.

    I've chosen to be where I am. I know that. Accept it.

    I am now struggling to be somewhere else.

    The dog is an obstacle.

    I felt so good with just a week of Crossfit.

    And because I let two days go by I cashed it all in (could've done the workouts here at home or modified them, but didn't).

    I have some work to do to figure out the why.

  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    In the middle of my changed morning routine. Journaling here is a part of it.

    Just got back from a 30 minute dog walk. Thing is attending to his anxiety is going to be good for me. I have to walk him at least 30 minutes to wear him out before I give him his anxiety meds. Hopefully the combination calms him enough I can go to the office. So I'm getting up earlier. Walking at least 30 minutes. Doing that fasted. And then I've set boundaries around the two hours from when my feet hit the floor and I start work.

    Shower. Breakfast. Meditation. Journal. And so on.

    All things that would be on a reduce stress to do list ... so hopefully I will see some stress reduction from this change for the dog.

    I finished Paula Hall's book last night. I'd put it up for a while. I intend to go back through it and do the exercises methodically. Reading it helped me see where I am at the moment.

    Somewhere I read that those of us that go from self help book to self help book really don't get well as we are relying on the books and the exercises to fill the gaps. But I really do think that I need to spend time working each day through her book and then other similar exercises. When I am working - therapy, journaling and reading at YBR, noFap, yourbrainonporn, etc. -- I tend to do better.

    When I'm not working and I'm just trying to maintain I don't do so well.

  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Fighting urges today. With the Paula Hall book in the memory bank, I am trying to identify what is triggering them.

    Long weekend means I'm coming back into the office with lots of things to do. I'm anxious about getting them all done. And this is a short week -- I'm going white water rafting this weekend -- and I'm running a tape in my head that I don't want to go b/c of the dog (whom I'll board) and my work (which will be here when I get back) ...

    Showered this morning and as I got ready I had to fight the urge to lay down and fap. I did lay down but I meditated instead.

    I give in at times like this as a routine.

    Changing the routine is what is all about at this point.

    And my entire life needs a routine change.

    Back to CrossFit tonight ....

    And my mindset is to get to 90 days so right now the urges are there but not winning.

  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    One day. Solid. Last night right before bed I had a moment but shook it off so I'm pretty sure I'll make it 2 days, today. Two more days and I leave for a whitewater trip in WV. So if I keep at it ... one day at a time .. I am positioned to start next week at 6 days. So with holding it steady I can see a week.

    CrossFit last night. I enjoy the intensity of the workout. I need that intensity in my life. I am holding my own in the workouts though I'm the heaviest I've ever been doing CFT. I can't wait until I get the weight down and see where I am.

    I feel exhausted after every workout. And powerful. I feel uncomfortable feeling that way. It feels good and I am uncomfortable feeling good.

    I went to bed too late last night. My early mornings must begin with earlier bed times than I am used to.

    Modified the morning routine a bit (shorter dog walk) but I am getting through it.

    I always seem to start the change but don't follow through for long. I have to fix that.

    I woke up around 230 last night with good wood. Left it alone. Had trouble going back to sleep. Thoughts of work started drifting into my head. The wood disappeared. When I'm asleep and the body operates as it should I can get an erection. When I'm awake and the brain starts to interfere I have trouble.

    It feels good to know things work. I feel powerful when I have an erection. And I feel uncomfortable feeling that way.

    I fap and gain weight to take my own power away. Why?

  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Not the 6 days I planned on but I am sitting at a solid 3 after a great weekend.

    Whitewater trip this weekend was incredible! I've never gone so my first time on the Gauley, which is a Class 5 river, was a big step up. I am sore. We spilled over on two of the Class 5 rapids. The first spill when I went under I actually had the thought "today is the day ... oh, no, it's not!" .. Nothing makes you feel so alive to be in a spot where you think it is over!

    I am sore, tired, refreshed ... and even with a crazy work day ahead of me, relatively stress free.

    I can't do this weekend every weekend but I did find a rush -- different sort -- that replaces the physicality of Rugby.

    That and CrossFit are both clues that I have go to get out and do physical things. And I have to pay particular care to keeping my old body in a healthy enough shape that I can do these things.

    I woke up this morning and started a chain of events that usually ends up in PMO. Stopped it and feel solid on the stop which happened before any touch or peek happened. Feeling strong after that.

    This week is going to be interesting as the stress relief fades from the weekend.

    But I'm going to try and find things to do daily that push that physicality button to see if I can keep the stress down that way.

  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That's great!
    Exercise is the best way I know to reduce stress. An old girlfriend (who ran marathons) told me that running was her "doctor". I know what she meant. But stress reduction is only part of the recipe. We have to hit it from wherever it comes. Which could be anywhere on the mood spectrum. Someone asked Mad Dog what his secret was. He said something like "I'm just a stubborn SOB - you just have to set your mind to it". There you go. Give the beast no quarter. There's no room for this addiction in our lives anymore.
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, yes, it does hit from different angles. Yesterday was a rest day so I didn't work out. But I was still on that high from the weekend. Most of the day I struggled with feeling uncomfortable with feeling good. That's happened a couple of times since I started Crossfit and I've fallen back in. Had moments yesterday but stayed out of the abyss.

    I'm going to reread the Paula Hall book and focus on the exercises. One stands out. You write everything down you've done sexually. You draw a 2 circle Venn diagram. One circle is NO! and one circle is YES! .. .Where they intersect is "iffy", meaning you aren't firm on it being yes or now. No is PMO. Yes is sex in a relationship. Iffy might be MO to no pictures.

    I have too many things in my iffy zone at the moment.

    I want to identify them and move them to NO and the keep the diagram close.

    I feel stress or some other emotion and enter the Iffy zone. From that Zone I move toward the no zone.

  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I'm doing a good job of reducing the stress in my life. I see an end to this difficult period though I'm not out of it. Workload is still unsustainable but receding. Dog still an anxious mess tying me to the house more than I want. My sons college payment putting financial pressure I haven't felt in a while.

    I do have plans in place to add people at the office and we are slowly finding them including a new assistant for me, to help the dog manage his anxiety with meds and to have my son take on some loans to pay most of his own way. And working those plans is resulting in the reduced risk. So all good.


    I'm in a rut self medication wise. PMO and drinking. I am bouncing from one to the other.

    There is no beer in the house. There won't be as I'm in a good place to say no to that tonight. I've got an pretty strong and constant inside voice telling me to door dash some beer or run out and pick it up. I mostly drink to go to sleep. So I have already accepted I will likely have a tough night of sleep ahead of me and I'm ok with that. My weight loss is stuck. I keep telling myself that if I don't have beer all week this week I'll finally crack the next weight plateau. That's enough to motivate me to shut the little voice off.

    I've let PMO become a habit again. How is it we can be doing so well and then suddenly be right back into it.

    I'm having a difficult time setting a milestone to reach that motivates me to stop the PMO.

    I have to admit stopping PMO feels pointless to me. No relationship. No signs of a relationship. On the positive side, I'm not fooling myself about potential relationships with dating apps. That trap I've been able to step away from. But leads me to this realistic conclusion that there isn't a relationship -- or even a date -- in my near future. So running through my head is what is the point? PIED is only a problem when things don't work in a relationship. When I was married, prior to my seeing divorce was the end game, and then after that with several girlfriends, I've been motivated to stop because of the relationship and because of my desire to have a sexual relationship.

    I realize that's a lot of addict talking to addict in there. I'm just having trouble sorting it out.

    I had a good sweat tonight. I lifted. I didn't finish the entire workout but what I did do was solid.

    And I think that's where I am right now .. not doing anything completely but the positive things I am doing are solid ... I just need to dig deep and find it in me to do more.

  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Morning coffee! and I feel good!

    Getting to sleep last night wasn't as bad I had thought. Attribute that to the workout.

    I didn't sleep so well but I did sleep long. And when I woke up, even though I thought about it, I didn't do anything that involved the letters P, M or O.

    I didn't exactly find that motivational objective. But waking up after a long sleep without the feeling of a few beers and too many late night snacks put me in a spot where I didn't feel the need to start the day with a self medicating tug.

    Stepped on the scale at I'm at 269 which is my reward for no beer yesterday ...

    I got so much work done this weekend, I'm not starting today off anxious about what lies ahead ...

    So here we are .. one good day with the preference to follow it with another ... building blocks and all I was hoping to get to.

    Lots more work to do but I'm finally in a spot to do it that feels good.

  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Two days no beer or late night eating. Reward! I cracked 270 logging 269 on the scale. I'm punishing myself with the weight which makes me feel undateable.

    One day with no PMO. Reward! Morning wood this morning which I left alone when I woke up. Temptation is still strong and I'll have to be as resolute as I am about the beer+eating = weight formula. But it feels like a solid start.

    Goal is to stay the course on both for 15 weeks or 105 days until my birthday.


    No beer drinking alone
    Only one social event with beer (or alcohol) per week

    Eat healthy
    No food after 7 pm

    Move for at least 30 minutes every day -- anything from CFT to walking the dog for a long walk
    Lift something heavy every day -- anything from CFT (counts as both) to some sets in the home gym

    No P.
    No MO for 30 days. Then reassess.

    Old Tom Bombadil and Mozenjo like this.
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Those sound like realistic goals. I'm with you on this. I'm on a similar path.
    Just did some cardio before breakfast, and it's amazing how getting your heart pumping first thing can help wake you up and start the day off right! Will do more after work tonight.
    No P is the main one. 105 until your birthday. There will be challenges along the way. We know that well. I'm shooting for 30 as my immediate goal. Haven't hit that milestone in quite awhile.
    Here we go!
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, I hate this. I hate the first time I looked at porn, first time I touched myself, the magazine my mom did a shit poor job of hiding, the moment I found it … years later when in the the moment I got it all twisted into the addiction when I was with a girl I loved …. I hate the bouncing back and forth. The realization that "IT" includes my hand which can't stay off my penis or my eyes off of girls on screen that are not real -- make up and other props are between them and the camera and me and the screen.

    I hate I keep coming back after a 2 day streak, a 90 day streak, a 6 months streak and everything in between.

    I hate being lonely because of the barriers I've created from my choices to participate in this stupid addiction.

    I hate never being safe from myself.

    I'm lonely.

    I hate this.

    I thrill at the victorries when I really dig n and make progress.

    I'm not there now.

    And I fucking hate it.

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