Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Dumping all that out yesterday helped a lot. That post took nearly 2 hours to write.

    I've spent my alone time pretty well this week if not occasionally interrupted by PMO. Fortunately, I've had the week off. I don't think I would have processed all that in a week filled with work obligations.

    I've got 4 days to do something with the insight.

    I've made progress reducing the stress.

    I have been steady at working out this week lifting everyday and walking at least 10000 steps. I am sore as hell! But I feel as if I'm on my way to a return to fitness.
    I've done some things on my financial to do list. My afternoon will be spent ticking some more of those things off.
    My new place is almost ready for company. I've done a little bit every day ... have more to do ... but I feel like I could have people over the way it is now.

    That's not a complete knock down of the things I am stressed about but it puts me on the way. Before work starts back next week I want to have some idea of how I'm going to continue working out, attending to finances and keeping my place welcoming. Part of my PMO / stress experience is that I get all bound up with stress, stop working out, drink and eat crap, stop doing chores or taking care of things ... and then the whole mess spirals ... where I PMO to alleviate the stress but still don't get stuff done .. and then it just spirals.

    I reset the counter this morning, cleaned up my phone and deleted the dating apps. That is the last reset for awhile.

    I want to return to work with a solid 4 days on the counter. I will have to focus energy on not destressing with the old medicine.

  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Morning coffee!

    Back to work today. First normal and usual work day in 3 weeks. The system is about to be shocked!

    Did much better over the weekend but still had a reset yesterday.

    This morning I woke up and got out of bed without paying much attention to my phone or my sexual thoughts. This past week one of the bad things was that I just lingered in bed. In the moment I was thrilled with getting full night's sleep and being comfortably lazy. But that gave me the opportunity to act out. I realize that full structured days are important to managing this thing.

    And today is both full and structured. First Teams meeting is at 830 and then it is one after the other until 630 tonight.

    Lots to say about last week. It was a good week but thinking through it there are lessons to learn.

  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Back at it. In a good spot. Working toward 10 days.

    Prior to that I had slid pretty far off the desired path. Was on and off again, repeatedly. Jumped back into the dating apps.

    They are so toxic for me. I forget exactly the catalyst for quitting them but in one fell swoop I shut them down a week ago Sunday.

    I now feel fantastic. My weekend was productive. I'm getting out more. And when I am by myself I find that I am more energized to get things done than I am depressed by being alone. There are less reasons to fap and therefore I'm not doing it.

    Joining the neighborhood association tonight. A cross fit gym tomorrow. Networking events are coming back. Plugging into people seems to be the right move.

  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Back at it. In a good spot. Working toward 10 days.

    Prior to that I had slid pretty far off the desired path. Was on and off again, repeatedly. Jumped back into the dating apps.

    They are so toxic for me. I forget exactly the catalyst for quitting them but in one fell swoop I shut them down a week ago Sunday.

    I now feel fantastic. My weekend was productive. I'm getting out more. And when I am by myself I find that I am more energized to get things done than I am depressed by being alone. There are less reasons to fap and therefore I'm not doing it.

    Joining the neighborhood association tonight. A cross fit gym tomorrow. Networking events are coming back. Plugging into people seems to be the right move.

  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I'm finally settling into the lifestyle change that comes with my new place. I'm walking to work about a mile each way at least 3 days per week. The crossfit gym is a little less than that in the opposite direction. I'm routinely putting up 15000 steps on the fitbit on those days ... sleeping better with less urges to PMO ...

    I would not just walk that much to walk. Being close enough to the office that walking, unless it is raining, is a better choice than driving makes the walking easy to fit into the day. If I was just setting aside a couple hours of walking time a day I would never do it.

    The weight is slowly coming off. And rather than the radio in the car I listen to my own thoughts while I'm walking.

    Biggest on my mind ... I had this intense period of effort toward being healthy that then feel into the toxicity of dating apps ... I'm now in a good place though not as intent on the healing process I'm living healthier.

    I'm becoming more comfortable being alone -- and I'm getting out with people so I'm not always lonely.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I made it about 2 weeks and then in a moment yesterday looked at something I shouldn't have.

    Worked out hard Saturday.

    Was sore. Very aware of my body. And I was craving touch. That's what I miss the most about not being in a relationship. Not sex. Touch.

    In the midst of laying down for a nap tried to relive that craving and the empty hunger that comes with it ... and just minutes after the O, the craving was still there.

  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am reacting poorly to a bucket of stress I am dealing with right now. House is a mess. Drank too much over the weekend. I blew a nearly 14 day streak. Blew the 1 day streak I started when I reset. Just want to sleep.

    That craving for touch is strong.

    It has been for days.

    When that craving hits all my boundaries crash and I act out.

    I read somewhere a long time ago -- totally not related to this addiction -- that if you can name the game you are playing the games stop. It as in regard to games we play in relationships. This cycle is a game I play with myself. I'm telling myself that I will solve the craving with dating apps! But I won't. And I don't plan on trying.

    Bed in 3-4 hours. No porn. No dating apps. No beer. No caffeine! Making a list of things to do to keep me busy.

    Plan is to make it to tomorrow about this time. And then repeat until Thursday. Out of town this weekend. Flying to my Dad's in FL to see him for the first time since COVID. That's a bit of the stress as I realize it may be one of the last times I see him. It will also be a weekend easily free of the temptation of porn and dating apps.

    So if I can rinse and repeat 3 days, I'll be able to coast to Monday when I return.

    Kind of a double my money play!

    I will feel much better about myself after I get a solid week under me.

    I'm stressed and slipped. I'm shaming myself and slipping. I'm feeling stuck and slipping.

    I want to get to solid ground and end the slips and get back to the good work I was doing just a couple of months ago.

    This sucks and I feel like I suck.

  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Another difficult day. Caught myself. But I'm still swirling with the temptation.

    It is a simple formula.

    (Work stress (high) + family stress (minor) + financial stress (simmering, but in control)) + (no down time/healthy living) + (being alone) = danger to the addicted.

    The good choice before the bad choice is working on living healthy but I've allowed myself to get off that path.

    If' I'm going to settle this episode down I have got to make more effort to live balanced and healthy and NOT just gut it out and try to not PMO. That doesn't work.

  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Solid day. Had a fascinating lunch meeting with someone new to my business network. My middle son is in town to start a new job and surprised me with dinner out. The rest of the day was a normal day. Stressful and overfull really. But those two human connections was enough for me to not fret about the stress and keep my hand off myself and my eyeballs away from bad stuff.

    I compare that to the most recent bad day in memory. Sunday. Spent the day alone. Skipped church. Skipped Crossfit. PMO'd as much out of boredom as out of the stress of being lonely. When I'm lonely all the other stressors swirl through my head.

    My "plan" is to get more and more social. Crossfit and church -- can't skip either. I'm getting involved in some groups in town that are not related to my profession. I'm going to start doing the homeless walks again with my church.

    Being connected to people is good medicine. Working out is good medicine. I'm not going to meet my "next" sitting at home. Even sitting at home swiping through dating apps. I'm not going to will away the urge to PMO .. or MO .. or to jump on dating apps unless I find good healthy choices.

    I KNOW what I must do. Changing my behavior to get there is hard!

    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  10. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    It is very tough some days. I think I am pretty much where you are. Hang in there my friend. All best, Tom
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Life has slowed down! Having a relaxed trip at my Dad's in FL. First time I've seen him and my step mother since before COVID.

    Living life at the speed of the elderly and retired. It's been very relaxed.

    No stress. No desire to act out. No place to do it in private if I had the desire.

    I feel like I'll go back home Monday night on solid ground.

    I'm not going to think about the stress I might be going back to when I get home. Just living in the moment right now and it is a good moment.

  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Back from my Dad's. Out of the blue my 83 year old Dad and my 76 year old step mom decided it was time for the "talk". My brother and I visited together in part to hear about what happens "when we die". Fun.

    But it was the first we'd seen them since pre COVID and the first my brother and I had been together face to face in almost 4 years. He's got some mental health issues that make my addiction related crap look mild. He can't handle family Holidays and just doesn't show up. He has missed 5 years of his nephews growing up and it is sad. I learned a lot about his crap this past weekend and have a totally new perspective on how tough his life is. Perhaps an outcome is a reintroduction of him to my boys.

    Was totally fine at Dad's until Sunday and then I started thinking about dating and the dating apps thirst came back. My step mother was asking about Wendy .. who I was dating now .. etc. That conversation was enough to get me going. I came back without dating apps on my phone. I am tempted but won't go there because it will be a complete waste of my time and a toxic mess.

    About to flip to a week without PMO and feeling good about it - except for the whisper to jump back into dating apps. I feel pretty good so I think I'll fend that whisper off.

    -Luke- likes this.
  13. True Change

    True Change Active Member


    There is something magical about walking. Humans made lots of evolutionary compensations to walk. I believe it's essential to healing and happiness. Recovering addicts who become joggers say, "Run from the addiction." My policy is to 'Walk from the addiction". Nobody ever relapsed putting one foot in front of the other - it only happens when we are lying around.

    Keep walking. Even when it's raining, get a good jacket.
    -Luke- likes this.
  14. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I also had my best times when I was walking a lot. Something really helpful about it.
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @-Luke- and @True Change , yes, walking is magical! I've walked an injured back back to health. I've lost 50 pounds once before in my life and walking daily was a big contributor. It is now extremely helpful to my finding balance.

    I was laughing with friends last night. I spent 5 days over a long weekend with my 83 year old Dad. One day I registered 690 steps on my fit bit. Life is slow at 83! At least how Dad lives it!

    That was also the day that the dating app temptation returned.

    Walking is magical and not walking -- choosing not to walk because I could have told Dad I was going out for a walk -- is a choice to not be balanced.

    I sleep better when I've walked over 10,000 steps. My weight is better regulated. After a few days of no PMO, if I've been walking the morning wood seems to come back quicker. There are many reasons to walk!
  16. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Keep it up good job !
  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Fended off the urge to go on a beer run last night. Slept well. No porn.

    Back on the CrossFit tonight. Committed to the class this morning over coffee.

    I feel like my addiction (e.g. PIED), finances (i.e. at 56 not "established"), my fitness (i.e. RD is fit fat) and my apartment (i.e. does a college kid live here?!) are all limits to my dating life. And I feel like a fraud sometimes because I'm not as active as people think I am.

    Whether they are limits to my dating life or not that I feel that they are makes it so. I'll be out and about at a networking event, meet an interesting woman and talk myself out of pursuing b/c of one of those 4 things. The more attractive the more apt I'm to avoid b/c of my PIED fears but all of the other things are in play, too.

    Even though the flight to FL was short, I enjoyed plenty of quiet reflective time on the plane and then again while I was at my Dads. And then I came back with all of the weight I'd lost in MT sloshing around my midsection.

    I keep dancing around these things. My journal is loaded with them.

    And I also dance around the commitment to do something about it.

    I'm doing. Starting today. I put a 5 month plan together - from now until my birthday in Jan - where I am going to focus on no PMO, fitness, finances and my living space. I can't do it all at once. My usual effort is to try the all at once approach get frustrated and give in or give up. Consistency is everything.

    And then have one adventure per month -- white water, 2 backpacking trips are already planned - so I don't live like fraud.

    And the plan is not crazy talk. It is a little bit each day and not some change the world in a day like I usually try to do.

    NO PMO
    Crossfit or lift daily
    Walk 10k steps daily
    Work on finances weekly until I have a budget and a target balance in January
    Work weekly to do SOMETHING to the apartment

    Things won't be perfect in January. And I'll likely still come up with reasons I'm undateable but they won't be those reasons!


    I concede no relationship until I hit my goals. I can go 5+ months without a relationship and survive. Done it repeatedly. Haven't been so graceful about it. I am making the decision to do this before I think about it though. I'm not having it decided for me because of my flaws or because I'm not out and about.

    My PMO is more often than not set off by bad feelings related to one of these items or to stress. Focusing on this simple plan will give me something to do when I'm bored and help with the stress. And staying on track and measuring it will help fend off those bad feelings.

    I'm not patient but I'm going to have to learn some patience as I work toward January.

    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I spent the weekend in a dark space. Another employee turned notice in Friday. We are losing staff to firms who are paying them 10's of thousands of dollars more than we are. And then we are recruiting people by offering them 10's of thousands more than we paid the person who we are replacing. We've had 2 company-wide raises this year including a market adjustment to account for inflation and it is still not enough. The brunt of the short staffing is falling on senior management's shoulders. I worked 91 hours last week including full time days on Saturday and Sunday.

    It is hard to work so much and get the life in I want to live.

    I did have a dinner party Friday night where I was the only single one there. Every year my backpacking group gets together to show the wives or gf, if I have one, our trip pictures over a potluck dinner. I felt totally comfortable alone. Saturday I hiked before I started working. Saturday night I had a beer with my son after he got off work.

    Outside of that I worked.

    Last night I had a PMO session like it was me in the midst of the worst of my addiction 5 years ago.

    I'm off the pace I set for myself just last week. I blew up a good solid 12 days.

    And the entire time I feel this insatiable craving for touch .. not sex .. touch ..

    This isn't sustainable. And my skills for getting through it -- stress relief -- are to do the things that make it worse in the end: PMO, drink, eat late at night, sit on my ass.

    I scheduled CrossFit into my schedule this week. It comes first.

    I ordered pre made keto meals to start next week to help with my meal planning.

    We had a new employee start last week. Two more start next Monday.

    I've got to snap out of the dark zone.

  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    A day under my belt. Or better said, a day where I've not been under my belt ...

    CrossFit last night and a good night's sleep. Early morning wood. Woke with no temptation.

    At some level solving this is simple.

    Until life and years of bad habits combine to make it complicated.

    I've got to keep things on the simple side.

    Mozenjo likes this.
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Rugger, we both know that it gets easier the longer we go without giving in. And then, when we enter the "maintenance phase" after a long stretch of abstinence, a new challenge emerges: saying no to the temptation to reward ourselves for a job well done. And the cycle continues. If we're lax about that first phase of getting past a month or so, we won't even enter the maintenance phase. So let's get a month under our belts...instead of our hands.

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