Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I'm becoming comfortable with myself.

    Have a great hike with the dogs and my friend yesterday. Then home for a nap. Then out and about for things for the new place. Door dashed dinner. Settled into the house some more. Watched some Netflix, played some Call of Duty. Read some. Pretty full day. Mostly alone. And just fine.

    There was a day when I would have come home from the hike and PMO'd all afternoon. I bought a 75-inch tv last year and not once has porn appeared on its screen. It didn't even cross my mind last night.

    Actually there is a day when I would have missed the hike because I had been up drinking and PMOing the night before and slept through it OR that I had turned the opportunity to do the hike down b/c I wanted to spend the day by myself PMOing. Or worse hiding it at home with a wife and kids around.

    So waking up today ... sleeping in ... it feels good where things are right now.
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Morning coffee!

    I spent 45 minutes before I went to bed cleaning and organizing the first floor of my new place. It felt so good to wake up to a clean, organized world!

    Forty-one days in. Not a perfect 41 days. But the best damn 41 days I've had related to PMO in 5 years. No PMO. No Porn. No phone dating apps. Some touching. I did M with no phone support over the weekend. I had rather unsatisfying sex with Wendy over a month ago. I find that my mind is less and less cluttered with porn images from my past though they still pop up.

    Most importantly this has been a 41 day journey toward living healthy. In fact this nearly 7 year journey here has been a journey toward living healthy, not just about not doing PMO.

    I've discovered it is easier for me to do something -- write down my values and make decisions against them -- versus not do something -- no PMO.

    I need to not drink as much. I don't do so well at "not drinking beer". Over the weekend I decided that it is time to get back to my Philmont weight which was 7 years ago. I came into my current employer at that same weight 219. It is a 24 week effort if I lose 2 pounds a week. While I've not been porning lately I have been drinking at night -- telling myself I needed that to sleep -- and eating -- DoorDash is NOT my friend! I'm doing it for some of the same reasons I porn. I am going to eat keto which means beer is verboten! I am placing working out and walking the dog at the top of my daily priorities. Yesterday, I bought weight collars, a 35 pound KB so I'd have a pair to swing (see what I did there?!), went to the store to make sure I had a "keto pantry" and started. Ordered a new fitbit band so I don't break out. Reinstalled myfitnesspal (phones apps aren't bad just certain ones!). Lifted heavy for 70 minutes; walked 10000 steps. Woke up this morning to a very self satisfying 3 pound water weight loss.

    I backpack in Montana in June. The immediate goal is to take as little of RuggerDoug on the trail as I can!

    Longer term goal is to be fit enough to be active all the time.

    And to feel good about myself -- and this is the hard part -- because I use my weight as a way to punish myself and keep a wall up around me. At 271, I don't feel good or attractive. But it sure as hell feels safe even as it feels miserable. Oh, I can get laid if I work the dating apps (and things work) but I don't feel confident in pursuing a real relationship. So I label myself unattractive and don't. I'm fat and my plumbing fails, why date me?

    A contributor to PE is obesity. (And excessive alcohol for that matter).

    I'm not getting morning wood at 41 days like I would expect after having gone through this in the past.

    I'm starting to feel a pull toward going on dates. I know no one (other than Wendy but that's not a long term solution and I don't want to drag her out) who I'd want to go out with. I have always tended to do best with active, athletic women.

    Getting on dating apps to get laid -- or to pretend like I'm really looking for someone and then fapping b/c of the tension, which is what it is sometimes isn't in the least bit productive or healthily.

    Being intentional about becoming more active and walking that walk I'll meet someone eventually. Or not. But I'll be immersed in a healthier lifestyle and a healthier life which is what I really want.

    RD
     
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Morning coffee!

    Therapy today. We are supposed to go over some homework in the Hall book, but I just got my shelves up yesterday and I don't know where the book is! So we shall see what we talk about!

    Third day of working out -- 7 miles on Saturday, heavy lift and weighted walk with the dog Monday & Tuesday ... long walk today if all goes as planned ... no beer.

    I've lost 4 pounds since Sunday morning. Water weight! But motivating!

    And morning wood this morning.

    Getting healthy is not just NOT doing porn ... alcohol, sedentary life among other things contribute to ED/PIED ...

    I have a tough day today. We are two employees on the team down and my service manager is in the hospital with a severe broken leg. Things must still get done for clients. I work up with little to no anxiety. I feel like it is the healthy choices I've been making and the new environment. The choices are real -- fitness, diet, no beer, no PMO (still!), meditation ... and the environment a booster but artificial. It at some point will no longer be new and only the choices will remain.

    RD
     
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  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Tough Week

    Week is tough. Team morale is high even though we've got a tough road ahead of us being effectively 3 people down out of a team of 7 with record sales. Admittedly it feels good that we are rallying as we are. In the end no one is going to die. It is stressful but all the work will get done. Our team style is to be upfront about the situation with clients and manage through it. It does mean some fast paced work and later nights than are called for in healthy living. Though it is tough I feel good about where things are.

    My son came over last night to visit with a six pack of beer. He drinks 4% lagers v. my 10% DIPAs so I had 2. Feel it this morning. Just 4 days of not drinking and I can feel 2 lightweight beers. No wonder I've felt so good all week!

    Each morning this week I've woken up with a some morning wood. It feels like as I approach 60 days I'm starting to show signs of healing.

    Last night someone texted me "Hi, Doug, how are you?" from a number that wasn't saved in my phone. I responded and asked who it was. Crickets. Second time this week that is happened. Certain both of those are women I've connected with online swinging back around to reconnect. But when I admit I don't know who the are they see where it has already gone and stop the conversation.

    Neither of those were helpful. With the mostly good feelings even in the face of stress and the morning wood I'm already feeling tugs to "find someone". Both of those events spun me up a bit. But find someone means find a woman to get off on rather than find a woman because I'm ready for a relationship. A long while back I cleaned my phone of all my online connections, fwb's (regret a couple of those) and others connected with through the addiction. I'm resolute I'm not hitting the dating apps. And with 3 virtual network events for work this week I'm reminded that it is damn difficult to meet a woman these days. All of that in a bundle is creating a "just do it" buzz for me to not be resolute and start the dating app game.

    I won't.

    I can start dating apps with a filter that lets me only look at viable candidates. I can sort through that limited population and be ok. Then the population runs dry. I expand the filters. I connect with a woman. It goes no where. Population dry. Expand the filters. Soon enough I'm looking at every available woman in a 250 (or whatever the broadest range is) swiping like a madman. Eventually either the volume or the potential of a connection pushes me to touch ... and then I'm back to PMO.

    So not doing it. But the temptation is rising and it isn't peek, yet!

    I wonder as I continue to get better if I'll be able to safely use a dating app? Or if that is just off the table? Regardless now is not the time to be answering that question because I'll find a way to yes and I know right now that yes is a lie.
     
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    This is me at my worst. I am a big thinker type, not a detailed task guy. With the work situation I've been turned into email warrior and sales admin. It is an endless wall of tasks. Truly mentally for me a pushing the water back off the beach with a broom kind of stuff.

    And that creates an anxiety that I've historically fapped away.

    I did lay down with the intent to MO one out. Phone was downstairs. I don't look at porn on my work computer. EVER. Started and then stopped when I realized it was not a sexual release I was going to have but an emotional diversion.

    Came back down. Turned music on. Going to just suck it up. But I've got inside voices tempting me to "go do it" or to start with the dating apps.

    Today will be a grind through it day.

    D
     
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    So far today has been a great day but at the moment I am struggling.

    The good ... 7 am hike with my buddies ... 6 miles in 2 hours .. home by 930 .. NAP! ... and then I biked two miles to my son's house for a BBQ ... I spent most of the time talking with his eventual father in law who until today I thought was kind of an ass ... eventually rode home after great conversation and a good meal .. to another short NAP! ... the day is beautiful outside and there will be a lot going on around town tonight .. patios opening back up, etc.

    And I am alone.

    And that is why I am struggling.

    I am trying to make a healthy choice about what to do tonight and I am at a loss.

    Whatever I do has to include the dog as he's having severe anxiety when I leave and barking like a damn fool. Vet trip next week to get him something to calm him down. But not a choice tonight as he spent a lot of time alone today. And the neighbor in the other unit goes to bed at 9.

    Here's my choices as I run them down:

    • I could text Wendy and go out there or invite her here. I'll end up showing and receiving physical affection that I just don't feel. Yuck. Bad choice.
    • Some of the restaurants in the entertainment district a few blocks from me are dog friendly. Possible choice.
    • Some of the craft breweries in the entertainment district are dog friendly. Could eat here and do a late night walk later. Possible.
    • Could eat here and long walk the dog. We will likely walk long later tonight regardless of the other choices. As a standalone that leaves a lot of "what else".
    • Watch a training video that is on my training list. My field is entertaining. Bit nerdy. Sounds lonely. Possible.
    • Dating app and see if I can find someone. "Find someone" means hook up. Interested. But terrible choice.
    • Have a Rugger XBox Game fest. Lots nerdy. Sounds lonely. Possible.
    • Read a book.
    • Do work in the Paula Hall book.

    My 4 friends are all married. My oldest son is in a relationship and has plans tonight. My other two are at school.

    I have no friends in my age range who have interests similar to mine that I could call on.

    And this is every Saturday night.

    And it is a problem.

    Back in the old place I had less choices and would likely choose read online, Xbox and drink. The next day that guaranteed depression. Awful choice.

    I'm really not sure what I'll do.

    I have had a great day. I do not plan on blowing that goodness up with a bad choice. Some of those choices aren't too bad and some ok, if that wasn't the only set of choices I have on Saturday nights.

    Long term I need to work on having a better list of choices.

    RD
     
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Worked through it last night. I don't think I've been that intentional about what I'm going to do on a night by myself as I was last night.

    It worked out well which is the lesson.

    I ended up Door Dashing dinner.

    Cleaned my apartment so that I'll start the week with a clean place. I think that's going to become weekend routine.

    Played my Sunday.

    Took Sully my 4-legged sidekick for a 3 mile walk through the entertainment district as well as the rest of the neighborhood. Two observations. One, a 12 year old "OMG's he's so cute!" might be a more successful way to meet women than dating apps. This requires more research. Two, he pranced his way through the entertainment district. When people were around he had a lot of energy. We were on the backstretch without anyone around he was pissed at me and would slow walk until we ran into others and then the prancing would begin. I get my energy from others as well and need to get out more!

    Turns out grabbing a beer at a brewery is a two person thing. I could sit outside with him but couldn't go in with him to order. So the thought of a beer on the patio mid hike was a bust.

    Played an hour of Xbox (set a timer) and watched a movie on Netflix.

    Intentionally slept in this morning (rather than killing a 12 pack of high ABV IPAs, going to sleep at 5 am and sleeping in until 1 with no choice).

    RD
     
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Morning coffee!

    I walked 25000 steps on Saturday and 10000 plus yesterday. Lifted yesterday as well. I feel great though a little sleepy -- have an early morning!

    This was the best weekend I've managed in a long time. And it was because I was intentional about it. I do need to create more choices because Saturday night there just weren't enough choices though I did choose good ones.

    I want to spend some time in the Hall book and at recoverynation this week. Things are good. And yet the work is undone.

    I could stop working because things are good but then I would slowly slide back to where I was.

    While the weekend by action was good internally I am beginning to look for ways in this still COVID supressed world to meet women. That was heavy on me Saturday night. Again, if I don't focus on the work then I'll slide.

    RD
     
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I'm in an odd spot. I'm about to flip to 50 days.

    I'm waking up most mornings with near wood. I've woken up at night with it full on. So I know I'm healing and things are working. But I'm drawn to a short fap every morning. This morning I was doing it mindlessly and realized it had become routine. It is regardless of whether I'm stressed, had a good night's sleep, etc. It's not me testing progress but it is mostly hard enough to have penetrative sex though it resides quickly after I stop. I'm not laying there looking at movies so it is not a counter reset event. It feels uncontrolled. And I'm sure if I keep it up (there's a bad pun) it'll impact my progress against PIED.

    Yesterday I had a terrible day. Loads of temptation even after the first thing in the morning tug. Didn't sleep long enough or well enough. Spent the whole day sleepy and tempted. Ended up working longer than I wanted to because I as so inefficient and ineffective. Finally got a lift in late. And then woke up. Ugh. Wide awake at 1 am.

    Lesson learned: Instead of spending a day in a funk rearrange the schedule and go lift something heavy.

    RD
     
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  10. realness

    realness Active Member

    I really liked how you processed your available choices on your Saturday night. Instead of just defaulting to failure and PMO you lived life and kicked around what was best for you even though it was hard. I hope you get the chance to hit the breweries again. When we had a dog, I would often attach the leash to something outside when I had to go in and order. If you did that where you were sitting, and asked people seated near you to keep an eye on the dog, it would open up a lot of conversation and a good time. When I used to travel for work (oh the days of escape from family life!), I could always count on meeting some people and having good conversation at a brewery. I was rarely lonely!
     
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @realness, the guy at the entryway was rude. I'm sure on a slower night I could've gotten help but he wouldn't even let me through. At the moment my 12 year old Boston is a little freaked out by the move to the urban core from the suburbs. Wrapping the leash and running inside to order would have been a nightmare! Lessons learned. We will go some night it is slower and learn how to do it single.

    I've never been that intentional. PMO isn't the real concern at the moment. It is choosing to live healthy. If PMO is the inner circle of my little self made hell then the other rings are:

    Binge masturbating
    Drinking like a fish
    Procrastinating online

    I'm sure there are other rings but you get the point. If I enter the outer ring it makes it more likely that I'll keep going to the core. At 50 days, I'm fighting to keep the chain from starting all over again.

    Had I chosen differently then Saturday night would have started with a lot of meaningless surfing on my computer (safe space for PMO b/c I know the controls the company has in place -- I won't earn a PC of my own b/c job loss is a powerful boundary!). That would likely have resulted in a late night beer run, more surfing/maybe gaming ... and then viola bedtime at 4 am ... followed by a morning hangover which I have learned a good old FAP session that lasts the day will cure.

    The only way I go back to porn is if I cross all 3 of those rings into the core. And then I'm sure I'll binge porn party there for a long time.

    So the fight Saturday was to do SOMETHING!

    I did a similar thing Friday night. Saturday I wrote it out b/c I wanted to see what being intentional looked like.

    And the right choice set me up for two big acclivity days and had a great weekend.

    Learned that lesson. Then also learned I do not have enough good choices and want to work on that!

    Thank you for the encouragement!

    RD
     
  12. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    glad to read of your positive recent times, will read more soon and catch up. keep on
     

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