Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Wow, what a way to close out the year! Glad you're past it, and I hope there's something to the theory that you built up some immunity to it.
    Another year begins, but of course, the continuum of our struggle has nothing to do with what day of the year it is. I certainly have a history of making a big deal out of that. As in, giving myself a pass for peeking on the last day of the year.
    As you say, time to suck it up and get back to work.
    Happy Birthday tomorrow!
  2. badger

    badger Active Member

    Happy birthday, my Brother. sleep is powerful. restorative. re energizing. renewal. glad you're feeling better.
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo @badger thanks for the birthday wishes ...

    Figures my first night "well" I didn't sleep!

    Slept in 6o minute sprints all night. So strange after sleeping sound and hard for 18-20 hours a day. Finally just got up and started the day early b/c tossing and turning for a few more hours didn't sound appealing.

    Trying to get back into a routine that is healthy. For me that starts with some thoughts here. Not much to say but I'm back.

    Here we go.

  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Tagging in. Still exhausted. Boys over for my birthday yesterday. One lager and the first Wayne's World movie in the early afternoon and I was ready for bed. Out at 8 and up this morning at 9 ... felt like the boys were visiting me in the "home" ...

    Working halfish days this week ... more or less ... cancelled a backpacking trip for this weekend ...
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I continue to sleep in on the weekends until my body tells me to get up.

    Today that was about 1045.

    I've had a full weekend without much fatigue. And this morning I woke up with both wood and temptation both a first since this whole COVID thing started.

    That makes today the official Day 1 of my New Year. Sort of! I feel about normal today.

    Evidently feeling normal is back to being more vigilant with the PMO.

    I struggled a bit over the last 3 weeks but it was about getting through those weeks I've rationalized.

    Rationalization is over and it IS for certain back to vigilance!

  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Feel frisky and I have no reason to be other than I feel better.

    Working from home today.

    I DO feel better but dog got away from me for just a few minutes last night. Just a little fast movement and I was back to dry heaves and short breath. I think the after effects are going to be with me for a long while.

    But I am feeling well enough that temptation is seriously creeping back in.

    I feel a craving to touch/be touched and a craving to O but not for any sexual reason as I'm buy myself.

    I turned down an opportunity to do something with Wendy over the weekend in part b/c it was Wendy but also in part that I really don't feel like being with anyone.

    AND ... at some level I feel like I am missing out b/c I don't have a relationship. I recognize as I type that the I feel like I am missing out is vastly different than I miss having a relationship. I do wish I had someone to cuddle on the couch from time to time, sleep over, go for a hike and hold hands .... but I don't want all the other stuff that goes with it ... I am content with my situation but bothered by its optics at the same time.

    Those 3 realities play together.

  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I'm not 100% COVID recovered but I'm close.

    Hiked Saturday for 5 miles which I think is further than I've walked the entire month prior.

    I've been spotty on being healthy across a number of things including PMO. After the hike Saturday (particularly Sunday morning because I was sore as hell!) I came to the conclusion it was time to focus on living healthy and shut down the rationalizations tied to slow COVID recovery.

    So today is a start (or restart or rererestart).

    A healthy day for me is:

    CPAP sleep - done!
    Early morning wake up - done!
    1 gallon of water per day - started!
    Meds daily - done!
    YBR - doing!
    Mediitate Morning -
    Long Walk Dog Daily -
    Lift Daily -
    Mobility Daiily -
    NO PMO - doing!
    Eat pescatarian
    No unsocial drinking

    For all the reasons I've written before all these things play into one another.

    I want to lose weight, etc. but without doing the things needed to do that, not going to happen.
    I want to be sexually healthy but without stopping the things that are obstacles (PMO in particular), not going to happen.
    And so it goes.

    I'm sure the list gets amended over time. But it is time to get off the excuse train and get started working again.

  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    My last therapy session was enlightening.

    Through talking some things out it appears -- and as I continue to ponder this it seems totally on point -- that the major trigger for my PMO and much of my unattractive behavior is safety. I really feel undatable. While I am lonely I really prefer to be by myself. We explored that. Nearly 20 years in a marriage that was emotionally draining at best emotionally abusive at worst which saw me begin to learn to self medicate all the time followed by the hurt of losing the best relationship of my life.

    Deep down I don't want to be in a relationship. The "avatar" of the dating app. An occasional hookup. PMO. All that fills the void of being lonely for a short term but it does it knowing that "she" won't get close enough to hurt more.

    AND... PMO brings PIED ... my college apartment look brings embarrassment to have someone over ... my weight, my drinking, my many other choices that I feel bad about form a perfect barrier from my feeling good enough to bring someone in and form a real presence that isn't very attractive (likely being a little self deprecating here).

    I looked at apartments over the weekend. There is an excitement to thinking about moving. AND where I am going to move one major obstacle is being removed. I'm actually excited.

    The therapy resonated with me.

    I'm on day 1 of healthy living -- not just no PMO -- but living that list above.

    I'm striving to be living healthy by the time I move in May. That takes me accepting no females in my life (fair game for this to change if I meet someone out and about) and shortcomings all around.

    I don't have to let someone in. That's a choice I can make.

    But it is much healthier to make that decision from a position of strength rather than from a position where I'm self sabotaging.
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I must not have slept well last night.

    I am sleepy, er, tired and in true "HALT" form I'm tempted to fap to wake myself up.

    I realize the draw -- almost fell into it -- but I'm actively resisting.
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Reset yesterday. One a very non stressful day I MO'd. No P or subs involved at all. Positive in there is that I didn't need visual assistance for things to work. Negative is that it isn't healthy to fap during a 30 minute break from an online training class in the middle of the day. And so reset.

    Slept in this morning. Woke up rested with wood and actually feeling some sexual tension. I haven't done anything with it. It is a different feeling -- as was yesterdays -- from most of my times going down the PMO abyss. It feels like genuine sexual desire as opposed as self medication. But given that I'm solo for the moment there's no "her" to be getting all sexually excited about.
    nuclpow likes this.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Why am I fine choosing to not live a healthy life?
  12. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    It's more fun we like being on the edge !
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    It's not that you're fine with it, Rugger, because I'm sure you don't feel so fine about it now.
    Living on the "edge" obviously hasn't worked out too well for us. The addicts' struggle is always ultimately about avoiding pain, even though at the time of giving in, we may think we're just "tying one on" and having a good time.
    I'm on the same edge as you, but we have been on it for so long that it feels normal.
    Let's get off this shit. It's time.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    It's not just the porn.

    I logged in yesterday to journal and just wrote that line. Felt like I've said everything before.

    It's not just porn.

    My therapist and I talked about this. I want to live a healthy life -- financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally AND sexually.

    I make small decisions every day that are unhealthy. I pay a bill late. I don't workout. I drink a beer before bed. I eat late. I don't take my meds. I don't meditate. I work too much. And it all piles up. Creates stress and then I self medicate in unhealthy ways to relieve the stress.

    @Mad Dog, yes living on the edge is part of it. I work great under pressure. I used to procrastinate and that created artificial pressure. That creates an artificial edge. Letting a bunch of little things go undone piles up .. and creates an edge to live on.

    My life IS much more healthy than it was when I started this journey. I get paid more and take better care of what I make. I have a nice car. I eat mostly healthy. I don't drink myself blind drunk. I don't fap constantly all damn day long. So I have improved from when I started this.

    BUT ... and it is the BUT that frustrates me ... I'm still making bad decisions.

    The cumulative effect of where I still am choosing to be unhealthy is I'm maintaining a man who feels undateable .. who creates obstacles to letting anyone into my life ... and then sates the feeling loneliness with self medication choices mostly fapping, porn, erotica and drink.

    It is not all about 'living on the edge" but about holding myself, choosing to be less than I can be, self sabotaging ... choosing to be safe because I don't feel worthy of having anyone in my life I don't. And that is safe.

    And, @Mozenjo, I AM NOT FINE with it.

    Sometimes I walk away from trying to get healthy. But then I come back. As long as I am here struggling through this. "THIS" when I started was PMO. Today, "THIS" is the overall self sabotage and poor unhealthy choices and pmo. I've got the porn into a lower case problem. I used to PMO because I was an absolute mess financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally AND sexually. Now I do it out of habit .. and deep down know .. I do it because it is safe to doubt you can be in a sexual relationship and therefore it is an excuse --- I can't perform -- that gets added to the other things that keeps me so guarded I don't open the door for any real relationship opportunity.

    I'm over Alicia. I'm over my high school girlfriend, Kim. I'm over my college girlfriend, Susan. Those were the 3 "loves" in my life. I'm not over the pain of losing those relationships. I am terrified my next real relationship ends just as painfully as those did. I want something of substance. The booty call, casual dating scene is unfulfilling, unsatisfying, empty. And I don't make myself available to anything real. Wendy in hindsight was a baby step to try to get there. And a miss. It didn't hurt as badly as the others because I was heads up enough to realize there were feelings but not enough structure for a healthy relationship (I CAN do healthy sometimes!).

    I am rambling now.

    @Mad Dog, really living on the edge would be to be healthy enough so I can live on a real edge -- porn isn't a real edge; it is a false edge that makes us feel like we are the edge -- in a big adventure filled life and be brave enough to invite a woman into my life again. That's the edge I want to live on. And my choices are keeping me from it.
    nuclpow likes this.
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I feel so worn out from a health perspective.

    COVID hit Christmas Eve.
    Recovery was 3 weeks. My lungs are back to good. But I gained nearly 20 pounds (eat and sleep and nothing else for 3 weeks and see what that does to your "calendar ready body!")
    Couldn't take my psoriasis shot because it suppresses immune system.
    Finally, got to the point I could do something active. Hiked 5 miles.
    Arthritis blew up!
    Lungs are fine but for two weeks still can't do much because of the swelling in my feet from the arthritis.
    Went to doc today and am on a steroid.
    Eating pescatarian again.
    Between the clean eating and the drugs I should be back to good in a few days.

    Looking forward for this to sort itself out .

    My dump in the journal yesterday comes from feeling stuck physically. And then letting that control everything else.

    I feel my best when I'm physically active. I can't be. So I feel fat and shitty.

    And then that feeling permeates everything else.

    Hopefully I'm lifting weights again this weekend ... but I'll keep it to a slow start!

  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Sitting watching church online. Looks like a lot of people are there. I guess I could have ridden the safety of the antibodies into the actual service. Need to think that through next week. Being removed from people is becoming too much of a habit.

    I feel fantastic today!

    Fitbit came Friday. I decided to measure my activity level. Hiked yesterday (it was 6 degrees when we started!) and logged over 17,500 steps. Feel fine today. NO! I don't feel fine! I feel fantastic!

    Went to my son's for dinner last night and spent some time with him and his fiancee looking at new places to live. It felt good to be social.

    I'm past the recovery period for COVID. Yesterday, I did some kettle bell swings with a heavy bell and feel good about it. As soon as church is over I'm going to workout. First time since mid-December I've felt like doing that.

    Laying in bed this morning - I slept in and got a good night's sleep -- I felt good. I didn't feel the temptation I feel .. the stress ... the bad feelings I many times feel and then fap my way through.

    Activity -- moving; socialness -- being with people I love; and sleep - fitbit says 9 hours last night ... and I wake up feeling fantastic!

    I have work to do today. More work than I will be able to get done but I am not stressed about it.

    Lessons here. I need to learn them and adopt them.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Spent a good chunk of my day yesterday completely resetting my pantry to support my change in food habits.

    I will food prep throughout the week and then begin a routine of food prepping on Sunday's. Too much to do yesterday to get to the actual food prepping part.

    I worked out yesterday --- not as hard I had planned, but I did it.

    I worked some over the weekend. But it was strategic stuff not day to day work I was behind on. To me that is healthy. When the weekends are just two more work days that is no healthy.

    I'm not sore or otherwise bothered by the hike Saturday.

    I am touting an amazing one day streak of no PMO!

    All joking aside I feel on top of this stride toward being healthy. Need to stay here.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Significant counseling session yesterday.

    Some of the significance happened in the session.

    We've identified that one of those things that ties back to childhood is this weird performance gap my mom set up for me. She told everyone I could do anything -- smartest, brightest genius known to man! -- but then she didn't hold me accountable for performance. And as the smartest, brightest genius known to man why would I work hard or consistently on anything because I was already at the top. But I wasn't. I graduated in the top 10% of my class. I barely made National Honor Society. My grades were so so. In sports I loved getting pushed by the coaches but didn't do much outside of what was expected. I regret not putting more into wrestling as I likely would have gone to state my senior year with more effort. I made it to districts, the tournament right before state before I was out.

    Anyway, I always feel I am not good enough. It drives me at work where I am successful (though constantly think I don't do enough).

    My good relationships - Alicia, Susan (college) and Kim (high school) in different ways to different degrees all pushed me to close that gap. Not in a female led relationship way. With Alicia she inspired me to step up. I had to lose 40 pounds to go to Philmont and she planned out meals and our fitness. I lost the weight. I would have lost the weight on my own but it would have been ugly.

    Anyway, I'm constantly trying to close the gap and the best relationships I've had were relationships where the gap closed as part of the dynamic of the relationship.

    Most of the time I pick women that accentuate the gap. Younger women I have fun with but b/c of the age taboo I'm embarrassed to introduce them to friends. Broken finding broken kinds of situations where my mess fits with her mess. Wendy was largely this. If her mess is bigger than mine I feel somewhat in control. If the woman is younger I feel somewhat in control. In my 3 best relationships I felt in control -- part of the Alicia allure is that I was at my very best with her or at least it felt that way -- because they each in different ways helped me close that gap.

    Now I'm alone.

    And I see that gap as an insurmountable block on my finding and meeting someone of significance.

    And that feels safe.

    It hurt so damn much to lose Alicia, Susan and Kim ... I don't want to connect that deeply again and have it ripped away.

    So feel the gap and self medicate. I accentuate the gap by not working out, eating late and not really caring about my weight but that extends the gap. I keep a messy apartment. Gap. And so on.

    And then the gap brings shame and I self medicate some more.

    Frank called me out yesterday. My son did a few weeks ago. I make this long list of gaps that need to be closed before I can find love again.

    I need to lose weight, stop fapping, clean my apartment .. for her.

    Yes and the weird freaky realization is that the her is my next love interest OR my mom.

    Some of those things that I choose to do aren't me ... or limit me .. I have to get fit to be able to backpack in Montana this Summer as planned. But I need to get fit because one of my joys is being outdoors in ways most can't. I don't get fit and I'm going to join the ranks of the can't. I enjoy sex but I won't have good, healthy sex if I don't stop the PMO.

    Some of those things are me. I like beer. I can get fit but I'm not giving up my beer. I have always been a little cluttered and that's ok.

    I've got to separate those two.

    Get on the things that truly limit who I want to be. And do that for me.

    And then accept those things that are me and be ok with that.

    And then focus on being ok with that RD package what ever all that ends up being.

    More to say but off to work ...
    nuclpow likes this.
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Still thinking about counseling.

    Shared part of what came out.

    There's more.

    So the best relationships I've had accentuate me. The worst relationships accentuate me in a bad way.

    I've dated a good amount since I divorced. Most of those relationships have been short lived. Most with women I've enjoyed but been unable to share with family or friends for one reason or the other. Age gap is taboo. They are touch too suicide girl. She's definitely NOT the girl to take home to mom type!

    He asked me when I looked at porn what kind of images did I look at meaning what did the women look like. For the most part the same type -- younger, not unobtainable in the real world b/c I've gone out with younger women, fitness models, etc. -- but still not the type of woman I would comfortable take to my son's wedding or to a work function.

    When I'm dating "down" or when I'm PMOing over that same type of woman I'm raising myself up.

    Well, I'm raising myself up even as I'm denigrated and dragging myself down.

    Hmm. This is why you journal freely. Thoughts come out you don't expect.

    I am attracted to that type of woman or types of women b/c I feel superior, in charge. When I'm in a relationship I usually am in charge if not totally dominant. I don't feel the gap "with her" but then she's a secret that I'm ashamed about. When I'm dating in that dating pool I feel like I'm cheating. It feels as bad as porn. Over time the luster of that type of connection has faded. I'm amazed at the number of younger women that connect via dating apps. Going out used to be a thrill but now it seems empty. It was a thrill in part b/c I didn't feel that gap.

    But as I'm working this out right now I also realize it expands the gap. I'm ashamed I don't feel comfortable in an age appropriate relationship.

    I loved Alicia deeply. I did take her to some of my son's wrestling matches and to my Crossfit gym. But never to a work function. And it was embarrassing when people asked if she was my daughter even as it was a bit thrilling. That relationship likely would not have survived that gap and the baggage that went with it.

    Yet, I do not feel attracted to women my age. A large part of that is because I don't feel worthy. It is hard for me to date a woman that is living in her own house and seemingly has her shit together. I don't feel like I do. I'm in a townhouse that I'm not proud of. I'm out of shape. I work too much.

    And yet I need someone in my life. So I PMO.

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