Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Cali

    Cali Member

    Hi @ruggerdoug, My approach on the PIED front is to beat this PMO addiction and let nature take its course. I am confident that over time if I stay clean the PIED will take care of itself as it has done for many others. As for how long that will take, no one knows as we are all different, but what we do know is that it will NEVER happen if we keep going back to PMO.
     
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Cali, I "know" your approach is correct. The issue for me is that knowing isn't doing or none of us would be here.

    I'm on testosterone treatments and just got a CPAP because I have sleep problems. The sleep contributes to the low T. People with low T and sleep problems and low T have ED problems. Part of my PIED is not P, but my health. Point is that I'm waking up more often than not morning wood. And laying in bed curious about what is going on and wanting to feel particularly when I have a shit ton of things to do and am feeling anxious ... well, that emotional feeling over rides what I know.

    Getting to where my feelings don't make it easy for me to set aside what I know is really where I'm at. Complacency is being ok with that morning play (didn't do it this morning) because it feels good in the moment.

    RD
     
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  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Solid day today. Too much work! Going backpacking this weekend. Just a quick trip on Saturday and Sunday. Not much distance but its outside with my buddies in cool weather without a computer or phone.

    Just two quick days and I don't miss the routines and rituals of Wendy. Actually grabbed a drink with a work contact (ok, broke the no drink rule BUT it was one beer and it was a social event/date not a work thing -- long story about how that came about out of the blue ... and it was ok .. ).

    Accept the fact -- today -- that I'm a pretty awesome dude. There is an abundance of women that are looking for a pretty awesome dude. The math problem is definitely in my favor!

    RD
     
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  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Now there's the kind of report I like seeing! Taking command of the Wendy situation and leaving the relationship without regret (I think) and forging ahead with your life makes for the kind of confident awesomeness that you can obviously exude. Finding another woman will not be a problem.
    Now, let's just leave this freakin' addiction in the dust, and the world will be our oyster. Even for some crusty old monks like us!
    Nice work, my friend.
     
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, I don't have any regrets about ending things with Wendy. Sunday and Monday were sad days but beyond that I'm not stewing over it. I think that had things been a little different -- no COVID, no school on Zoom at home -- I would likely have moved more of my life out there and we would have gotten more serious successfully for a while. But I think what she's dealing with would have been triggered (hate the term and the concept) by something else and the end game would have been uglier. We are ending amicably. We have some work to do to unwind my having moved much of my life out there but I don't think that that gets so ugly.

    I am excited I made the decision to move on my own on Saturday before we broke up. We had decided that she wasn't going to be mentally ready until after school let out in the Spring which meant limbo for me until at least May or June, 2021. I looking out for myself then. I've turned notice into my apartment. I'm moving in 2 months. And I'm excited about that.

    First win for me was being specific about my needs in a relationship, expressing them honestly and then when she responded she couldn't meet them ending it. I do not think I've ever so clearly done that.
    Second win for me was making the decision to move. Life only shits on you if you sit still.

    Better morning with the wood than earlier this week. I wake up feeling before I staring thinking. But thinking cut things off this morning before I created a reset moment. I have to be intentionally mindful.

    Heading to the office today. I'm going to start working there more often. Bad things happen if I'm alone for days in a row. Until we are forced back into isolation (I'm afraid it is coming) I need to intentionally reconnect.

    Looking forward to the disconnected time on the short trail this weekend. If I get to Saturday morning (will be day 3) then I'll start the week next week at day 5. My bigger streaks get rolling when I get to and beyond day 7. To get this behind me and "leave it in the dust" I must get a long solid streak started.

    RD
     
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Doing well. Just my morning check in. Nothing to add. Strong today. Backpacking over the weekend. Looking forward to disconnecting from the world, deeply connecting with my friends and continuing to move forward.

    D
     
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  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Early early morning check in!

    Got up early to pack for my backpacking trip. Went to bed early last night. This week and particularly yesterday just drained me. Little mistakes at work are turning into big irritants. We can be productive remotely but not always caring, helpful humans. This week there was a lot of grade school arguments about little things that don't matter. I need to step away and disconnect.

    I actually do not want to go. I know I need to and that once on the trip I'll be happy and better for it when I get back. But I'm not thrilled about packing. I ran to Wendy's Thursday night. I have two large hockey bags full of my gear. It is kind of a treasure hunt to find everything. I am mildly nervous I don't have everything. It is a short trip with friends who will have everything. Boots (yes!), sleeping bag (yes!), tent (?) is all I really really need so I'll be ok but still a bit nervous.

    Woke up this morning and started in the direction of MO but stopped myself. Beyond that I feel solid.

    I found some of my writings from 2016. The most helpful thing in that mix was some writing about being patient because there is an abundance of interesting, beautiful women on the planet. I do not feel the "need" to have a woman in my life. I enjoyed the relationship with Wendy up until the last week. I do want that in my life again not necessarily with her. If I can give myself some time to focus on healing I'll be in a better spot for it.

    With the frustrations from work that crept into my life this week, I realize that work has too much dominance in my life. I'm usually ok with that. I didn't get to the gym the back half of the week. I'm angry about little things. I don't feel I can get any of my things done.

    I have lost weight. I cracked 260 at the top of the week and have stayed under all week. And that is ahead of the diet game.

    I imagine my trail time is going to be filled with these kind of thoughts. I have a lot to get out.

    RD
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Have a great time! Once you're there, the layers of stress should start to peel off...
     
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  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo yes, once I got out there the stress peeled away. My depression kept telling me not to go but I was able to push through that. I was still pissed off from work issues when I got into the car at 7 am to go. At 11, about an hour on the trail I announced to my friends I was no longer pissed off.

    The trip was tremendous. We did 15 miles on terrain that was difficult enough that I am mega sore but not so bad it was mentally beating us. Weather was perfect. We got to camp early, were set up and sitting around a fire by 430. We went to bed around 11. Almost all that time between first flame and bedtime was deep conversations about something.

    Stress peeled off. I was able to consolidate some thoughts.

    At one point all 3 of my friends acknowledged the work I've done over the last 5 years. I don't celebrate that enough. Relationship with my boys is solid. I have a great circle of friends that I can be vulnerable with. My career is skyrocketing. My finances are in good order. I have a nice car. I have 2 female friends whom I interact with regularly where there is no sexual element of the relationship. I am mostly emotionally healthy. And on and on. I don't acknowledge all the good work but rather continue to just see the negatives. I've done good and can continue growing.

    I have 5 major issues -- frogs -- to deal with:

    1. Weight, fitness, health, diet.
    2. PIED/ED
    3. Retirement
    4. Work too much.
    5. Where to live.
    6. Need to be comfortable with being by myself.

    I would end up writing a book if I wrote on all 6 things. They actually all intermingle.

    I made a decision on the trail to list out the big items I must work on.

    I'm going to spend this weekend dealing with each one. There is too much complacency with each of them. But since they all in one way or another touch each other dealing with each one really moves everything forward.

    I am sore as fuck. That's a good reminder that I better get back in the gym and get the weight off for real!

    But the soreness is actually a reminder of what a great weekend it was.

    RD
     
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Slow unproductive evening. Supposed to say relaxing but it really isn't.

    Just been pondering the above. I've started self improvement projects so many times over the last 5 years. Yes, as I say above, I've come a long way. And I have a long way to go. Just didn't really feel like starting that trip today.

    I miss the routine and ritual of my relationship more than I miss Wendy. One of my friends asked me Saturday night by the campfire if I was mourning Wendy after the breakup. Not really. I am mourning the loss of someone in my life, the messaging throughout the day, the connectedness as well as the potential of a new chapter in life. But not Wendy herself. I have told a few people that while most of my past significant relationships started as 9s or 10s in terms of passion, Wendy and I started at a 7. My theory was that Wendy was going to go the long haul b/c it was more steady and constant. My best ever relationship was a 9 or 10 until it was a 2 and dead. I was thinking that the 7 would stay constant. But in hindsight there may not have been the depth of passion and deep connection I thought there was. Not sure I'm making sense, but I was confident that Wendy was "the one" b/c it started out much more sane than my other good relationships. I think that lower passion was b/c she was not really emotionally available the whole time through.

    I think that I need to have attacked and accomplished some things on the list above before I open myself for the next woman.

    I feel like I want a woman in my life right now. Rebound!

    But thinking needs to win out over feeling. Because feeling I need a woman will lead to my feeling lonely from not having one. And it is unreasonable to snap my fingers and say "New Woman!" and have one appear. If I could do that why would I have ever needed porn in the first place!

    Thirty days progress on the list above and I will be much better suited to be a in a relationship. Ninety days even more so!

    But tonight I'm just feeling lonely and pondering where I start.
     
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Full on depression today. Absolutely just the end result of the pileup of 2020 work stress, the rapid changes in my life for the last couple weeks, My introspection about where I am on some things.

    At work right now I’m just trying to push through things.
     
  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Today was hard. Still will be hard until I go to bed.

    1. I jumped on today during work b/c I just felt lethargic from the depression. Came home tonight and about went into PMO land. Caught myself but came close to a reset. Working through some things even as I feel burnt out from work and depressed. I think the contrast of the great weekend is the source. I feel I needed more time off. I am always on the PTO naughty list of senior leadership who hasn't taken enough time off. I've worn it in the past like a badge of honor. I talked with our CEO about it during my review last year. In January I pre-scheduled all of my PTO. And then COVID hit. So much for that.

    I want to fix that. I'm working toward being ok traveling somewhere on my own but I frankly have no idea where I want to go.

    2. Read a few things last night on complacency I thought might help others. I've been trying to work through my complacency. Here's some helpful reading on the topic:

    Read ... The Profound Power of Consistency

    https://medium.com/the-mission/the-profound-power-of-consistency-3f1a361bb8fd

    Which lead me to read ... Identity-Based Habits: How to Actually Stick to Your Goals This Year
    https://jamesclear.com/identity-based-habits

    Which led me to buy the book Atomic Habits by James Clear.

    Paraphrasing Clear we are what we do. Weight loss is an appearance goal that gives a lot of room for complacency. Just saying I want to lose weight doesn't change anything. But to say I want to be the kind of guy who is fit and fit guys move every day ... and to start the habit of moving every day you begin to become -- and believe -- you are a fit guy.

    I've read enough I get the gist. I start being that fit guy by going to moving for 30 minutes -- at the gym or with the dog -- tomorrow morning.
     
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I made it to end of my first week, ugly style rather than monk mode.

    Not much more to say about that.

    Working from home today so I hope I have some time to ponder some of this.

    And that I keep my hands off myself.

    RD
     
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am not happy with myself today. No "O" but enough M and a touch of the P ... reset.

    Heading to the gym. Goal is to move 1 hour. Likely lift something heavy and then top the time off on the rower and ponder.

    Leaving in 15 minutes.

    RD
     
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I just reset the counter. I set the bar as no PMO and then I danced around it. First, I made it no "O". Then no "P" but only "M" was ok, then a little "P" was alright if I still didn't "O". Dating Wendy I was O'ing with her 3 times a week and touching every day we saw each other. I've let my guard down and tried to fill the void on my own. Truth is the void isn't going to get filled for awhile and I have to learn to be ok with that.

    In my mind I am a man who easily succumbs to self gratification whenever I am lonely (or really alone), stressed, either distressed or eustressed particularly if that stress comes from a woman. In my mind I am a man who lacks confidence in the bedroom and behaves from the beginning of a sexual encounter as if I expect things not to work. I have sex from this needy perspective. When I'm not getting that filled I take it on my own to fill it.

    Blah!

    When I was younger I was sexually assertive, confident, demonstrative of my feelings and dominant in the bedroom (or where ever else).

    Even with Wendy when we started making out I would instantly start worrying about whether I would get hard or not.

    When I was younger I got hard in places that were immensely embarrassing! (I get there is an age thing going on here, too) Point is I got hard then without thinking about it.

    I think about it all the time.

    Blah!

    In my mind I am too tired, too old, too banged up (arthritis has found a loving home) to go to the gym tonight. Every night. Which means I am too tired, too old, too inflexible, etc. to do much of anything. I hike with my friends and I'm the one dragging the pace. I'm the one that's asked to watch the packs if they scout ahead. Sure, I am the only one who can pick all the packs up at once, but that's not the game out on the trail.

    Blah!

    When I was younger I was always the strongest in the pack but also the most resilient and enduring. I could play an 80 minute Rugby game and jump into the the second half of the next game b/c the other forwards were too tired. I was one of the first guys done' running laps and would go back to help pace the slow, fat guys. I stayed after practice and did more. I pushed through pain. Once I hurt my back. My doctor advised me to take it easy. I did some internet searching that suggested a regimen of heavy squats and walking every day for 30 days. I cried in the squat rack but my pain went away. I was always moving, lifting .... not slothing through life.

    A man my age can lift in the gym, long walk his dog and run every day and not kill himself or suffer from "over training" as long as nutrition, rest and intensity are managed. This man my age - ME - comes up with excuse after excuse as to why I don't lift, run, long walk the dog, go hiking, etc.. And then wilts in shame when people still think of me as the old Doug though I know I am not. I am not because I don't believe I am.

    Blah!

    It is my mindset. I AM living life as the man I see myself as.

    I PMO because I am a man who can not handle stress. I stay away from the gym because the thought of doing it exhausts me.

    The Atomic Habits book comes tomorrow. I have a weekend project. I have to change my mindset.

    I feel silly but ...

    I am a sexually confident, loving, assertive, dominant male capable of being vulnerable and demonstrative sexually with a partner I care about.
    I am a big ass motherfucker who can life a lot, take a lot and keep on going.

    That is how I used to feel about me. And I was those things.

    I think of myself as an impotent old man. And I am.

    I will change my thinking.

    First gym trip down. Tomorrow morning is either a long dog walk or a run and a shorter dog walk. Lift tomorrow night.

    I want to explore other ways to change my mindset about who I am. That is obvious to me what needs to change.

    RD
     
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I used that mindset -- "I am a sexually confident, loving, assertive, dominant male capable of being vulnerable and demonstrative sexually with a partner I care about." -- to stop a fap session this morning in bed before it started.

    That man I described doesn't need to get himself off.

    So I say at day zero on my next streak!

    RD
     
  17. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi RD, have you thought about or tried 15 to 30 minutes of meditation first thing in the morning each day? It helps with my own negative self talk. All the best.
     
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Thinking about myself differently today was a big help.

    The active fit man went to the gym and worked out for 40 minutes. The last 15 minutes was 3 rounds on the rowing machine for 500 m, a heavy KB carry to the Jacob's Ladder, a minute on the ladder, KB carry back to rower. Totally smoked me. That was the me I was talking about above. Long way to go but all I have to do to get there is show up tomorrow.

    The sexually put together me brushed off the urges with the thought of how good things would be once I found another woman and could actually confidently be sexual with her.

    Atomic Habits came today. I imagine I'll read it over the weekend though I feel I've done pretty good with the concept from just a few articles.

    And then Wendy entered the picture when I came back from the gym. Frantic texts looking for me plus a call. It was 9 pm. She's 45 minutes away. She needed me to come over tonight. I said no. I said that I wanted to talk first. She insisted. I resisted (I could not resit the rhyme!). In about 30 minutes it went from "I need you" to "your stuff is ready for you to pick up". WTF! In that texting I shared that I wasn't good with a come here / go away / come here cadence in a relationship, was open to talking about how to ease into things but I needed to talk before just jumping in. I would have gone out there, fooled around, and felt like shit about it. I knew that so I said no. I said no even though I know I could have gone out there and "gotten some". Going out there tonight was not healthy for me, for her or the relationship. So I feel like I get a little atta boy for that.

    She wanted me to just move back in and pick up where we were 5 weeks ago when she said she needed space. In a healthy relationship both people have a handle on the throttle. In this case she had the throttle and wasn't interested in my need for pace.

    My ex was like that. All about her. And then quick, snap the neck emotional decisions if she didn't get her way. I introduced Wendy to my backpacking crew a couple of months ago. The wives of two of them were formerly my ex's best friends (yes, I got the friends in the divorce settlement. Porn addicted, financially failed, depressed .... they all know ... and yet they stuck with me given my wife's behavior). Anyway, both of them said that Wendy reminded them of Jodi. The guys told me that on the trip this weekend. I didn't see it. Saw it tonight.

    What a fucking mess with my stuff out there and my life upside down. Graduate school at the school of hard knocks though. I have learned a lot about myself, about what I want in a relationship, who I want to be in a relationship. I've learned how to be vulnerable and how to stand up for myself even when I love and care for the person I'm standing up to.

    I did feel all locked up at points in the conversation with Wendy. I was thinking about the right thing to say rather than just sharing how I felt. That needs some work.

    Anyway, good day, crazy night.

    RD
     
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Difficult morning.

    Wendy and I texted more this morning. Just chit chat. Last night put the nail in that relationship for me. That kind of crazy was my ex wife. As soon as I go out there we'll hit another emotionally unavailable moment. Not going to live that life again.

    I was fine with us socially dating knowing that it likely wouldn't rejuvenate but given how strong it was giving it an honest chance. But now I'm sure that is not my choice (don't think it is hers, right now, either).

    I am not being heard. Last night she "needed" me and b/c I didn't come to her rescue at the moment she declared the need she determined I was selfish. I told her at least 3 times we should talk and not have deep conversation via text. She continued to text. In year's past I would have gone out there, had my fun and then felt like a total moron (shame) for giving in. I could have had sex but I would have traded it for my dignity. I have traded sex for my dignity so many times in my life because I've for whatever fucked up reason I thought sex = intimacy.

    It has been difficult today BUT I feel pretty good about where I ended up here at the end of the day.

    Life is work.

    RD
     
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    This just popped into my head ... I want to be wanted when I'm not needed.

    I was only wanted when she needed me.

    I'm an object in that scenario and nothing else. Fuck that.

    RD
     
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