Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Struggling today. Wendy moved Monday into a house that I will likely join her in when my boys go back to school in the Fall. I helped her move. It was a good day. But she's been busy this week doing move in things. We don't have internet hooked up yet so it is difficult for me to work there. I'll be over there again tomorrow but I'm feeling the desire to fill in the hole with PMO today.

    I actually have a mostly light work day today so it is for the most part a stress free day. I have a few uncomfortable tasks and when dealing with them I feel the tug to deviate from my commitment to not PMO the most.

    So I am struggling but I am aware of the struggle. My son who works from home at his Dad's house b/c Dad has 1GB internet is sitting in the same room with me so by and large I am totally safe from myself.

    I am grateful I am self aware of what is going on. I'm grateful he is here today to help block me from myself.

    RD
     
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  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    :D:p
     
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Sigh. Sitting on a work Zoom call. Day has been long. Fighting the chaser effect. Spent weekend with Wendy. Last night I worked out, had a good meal ... good stuff. And then got a 6-pack and drank it Netflixing until 130 am .... bad stuff.

    Woke up this morning at 530 and couldn't go back to sleep.

    Didn't sleep well last night b/c of the beer but not really hungover in the normal sense.

    But the chaser effect and the depression have been colliding all day long and I attribute that the beer.

    That's where work from home is both blessing and curse.

    I've taken a long walk with the dog and several naps. But I've also been alone with my temptation. The day has een a struggle.

    No beer this week until I get this depression to simmer down.

    Chaser is harder to deal with ... but I keep telling myself that the real thing ... even if it isn't totally working ... is better than the other choice.

    RD
     
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  4. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    And it’s the only choice at the end of the day.

    Keep going man!
     
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  5. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    If you truly love her don't let her get away. Or do something to cause her to leave.
    Best wishes RD!
     
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Have you considered no beer, period, ruggerdoug? It's a vicious cycle when we keep using the bilge pumps to drain the water leaking into our boats, while not attending to the hole that's allowing the water to leak in, in the first place:cool:
     
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  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Great Father's Day yesterday at Wendy's!

    The girlfriend not the burger joint.

    I am going no beer for awhile.

    Wendy and I both have things to work on. The only thing I could do at this point to lose her is to not work on my things.

    So this week is no beer, workout daily, long walk daily and drink a gallon of water a day. Need to flush the system so to speak.

    I think it is time to go back to a counselor, too.

    RD
     
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  8. jebu

    jebu Member

    Counselor is a great idea. Maybe you can get some mental self-practice methods that will help you through the urge-storm when it comes around again.
     
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  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Started this Sunday night, didn't post.

    Just checking in. Things are better but not where I want them to be.

    Spent the weekend at Wendy's.

    Planning Dry July ... no drinking for the month ...
    Found the chaser effect only has power if we disconnect. So an an overnight followed by a few days apart means powerful chaser effect. An overnight -- with sex = followed by a day of relationship stuff and an overnight without sex means small to non existent chaser effect.

    It's Monday now.

    Touch of depression today. Didn't sleep well last night. Sleep clinic tomorrow. First step in getting this sleep thing dealt with. I think that the sleep thing is a big driver of the depression. And then the depression triggers so much of my self medication.

    Besides that it is an ok day.

    RD
     
  10. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi Ruggerdoug,

    Good idea to try the dry July. When I first started trying reboots, I was drinking a lot more than I do now. I tended to binge drink on Friday and/or Saturday nights. I had frequent hangovers and tiredness and that made me WAY more likely to act out as I was looking for a dopamine hit to make me feel better. Also I didn’t have much willpower in that state to resist any temptations. Quitting binge drinking helped to increase my willpower, and so I think I’m way better prepared to reboot this time around. I still have an occasional drink, but it is very occasional now. My tolerance to alcohol has gone way down, so I simply can’t handle the volume any more even if I did want to drink more.

    Good to hear that you’re getting the sleep thing dealt with. Good sleep is so vital to our lives and will impact all aspects of it.
     
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Clovis6, thanks for the words of encouragement.

    I've known both sleep and drinking contribute to my PMO problem. That problem is so much smaller than it was when I started that it is easy to just let things pass. But being in a relationship with things not working entirely right is enough motivation to lock it down a bit. The sleeping clinic was scheduled pre COVID and they are just now taking patients again. But the drinking I put off. My job is very social, even with the COVID craziness, and it is easy to get into a rationalized "I have to" mind set.

    I am backpacking the first week of August. The motivator for dry July is getting ready for the trip. I tend not to work out when I'm drinking which is bad all the way around. The suck that will be 55 miles in 5 days is another great motivator!
     
  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Dry July begins.
     
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Good day today. At Wendy's last night. "Things" worked!

    Feel noticeably better after 1 day of not drinking. Chaser effect from last night low. Working from home today by myself and there is not the temptation lurking that I usually have to fight off.
     
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  14. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi, I wasn’t sure when you wrote ‘it is easy to just let things pass’, whether you were referring to it being good or bad. I’ve found in previous reboots that things started to get a bit easier, ther urges were less throng etc and this lulled me into a false sense of security thinking it was going a lot better than it was. I became complacent and then before I knew it....relapse.

    Anyway, just thought I’d mention it.
     
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Clovis6, in the moment I wrote that I'm not sure what I meant!

    I appreciate your pointing it out though.

    My failures when I'm on a good streak either result from complacency or from a big stress event that creates a "just once" kind of thinking. I am a good 7 days in of no PMO and "just once" was rolling around in my head this morning before I got out of bed. I am wary of both of those weak moments. Being reminded they are there is helpful b/c they "get you" as soon as you stop defending against them.

    This was a big week. We actually had real sex Wednesday night. And I've not given in to any chaser pull. In fact, I've not really had much to face in the way of a chaser pull. It wasn't bedroom gymnastics by any stretch but I worked the way God intended me to work. And that felt pretty damn good!

    I'm not sitting around just thinking about that but it certainly comes to mind each time a temptation floats in. I would kind of like to do it again. And again.

    It is Independence Day here in the States. I slept in. I'm enjoying my first cup of coffee and pondering.

    Four months ago I' started a 4-month Testosterone supplementation cycle. I joined a Crossfit gym and started doing that again. And I had an appointment scheduled with a sleep clinic.

    Then COVID craziness hit.

    I assembled a garage gym which my boys called Dad's "prison gym" but didn't really use it consistently. I was nearly sedentary as my firm immediately went to work from home. Twelve steps to the coffee pot 5 times a day is not an exercise regime!

    I had the rescheduled l consult appointment this week and am looking forward to getting the overnight scheduled. Both the doc and I feel that I'm on the path to a CPAP. Fifteen years ago I had one and using it I dropped weight, had a clearer mind, had a severe drop in my depression and found it easier to work out.

    I have my labs scheduled next week and am about to do another 4 month cycle.

    I hiked 7 miles yesterday with a 50 pound backpack and I'm not sore today. I am backpacking a 55 mile trip the first week of August.

    In some ways I could grump about how I've lost 4 months.

    Instead I am excited for the Mulligan. We are seeing cases spike again. The trip may not happen. And the sleep clinic may get delayed though they can now do the testing remote if it has to be done that way. But the do over gives me a chance to do what I was committed to doing in late February / early March:

    Correct this sleeping nightmare
    Lose weight.
    Lower the depression's impact
    Lower inflammation
    See real progress with the ED

    Anyway it feels like Independence Day in more ways that one!

    Have a great weekend!

    RD
     
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  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Been a while. Had a slip last night. Made me rethink some things. Here this morning to work some of them out.

    Even though I have the slip not that far in the rearview mirror I feel like I have a big mind shift over the weekend. Sex was "OK" but things worked more than usual. Enough that Wendy made note of it. She's been incredibly patient.

    Even with that in my life I've continued to have issues when I'm not with her. Given her kids visitation I'm kind of the weekend boyfriend at the moment. Reasons for that is worthy of its own post. Short version is we've been dating just 6 months and it is not right or fair to give the girls full on step dad mode this early. So we are patiently merging me into their life slowly. Her ex took a new job and so we've cut my time out at her place down a bit to ease the transition.

    I'm fine with it from a relationship perspective but struggle with PMO, particularly M, when we are apart.

    To be the man I want to be I have to "behave" when I'm not there as well as when I am. So I'm treating life alone at my place like I did when this damn thing was full on binge all day mode rather than the just a little big here and there. I'm breaking life down into 4 hour blocks of things to do. After the slip last night it worked well and I had a safe, productive night. Same goes for this morning as I'm about half way through the 4 hour block.

    Bottom line is that I dug myself out of the deep abyss years ago when I started this journey. Because I've been mostly good ... say back then I was 0% good and now I'm 92% good ... I've back off that discipline. I've shrugged the slip or even the short binge off. Sexually things kind of work. And I've been ok with that. Been. Not now.

    Even as I type this I feel the urge to go upstairs --- yes working from home is a hazard -- and rub one out. I need to make it until 12 noon. That's the end of my block. I don't need to go 90 days just 2 more hours. THAT I WILL DO!

    Easier to break life down into little blocks sometimes.

    RD
     
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  17. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    So good to hear from you RD!!
    All the best to you in your relationship
     
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Leave for my backpacking trip Friday morning.

    We've lost one of our 5 person team to a training injury. Two of us have dodged exposures to COVID.

    I so need this trip.

    I feel like I am in a hamster wheel, mentally, professionally, physically.

    The trip will be a chance to stop the wheel, disconnect and flush the brain.

    I don't act out when I am in the woods. We all sleep in our own small tents and I have privacy but I never use it. I'll come back with a firm week from M or O of any kind.

    I'm going to pay an accountability fine for not working out. Our first day is 11 miles. But I look forward to the week's end when I'll have 7 days of no PMO, no M, no O, no alcohol. We plan on doing 55 miles with our lightest days in the 7 mile range. So I'll also come back a little lighter, a bit more fit and exhausted.

    Working through insurance issues with the sleep clinic. I should have that lined up for when I get back.

    There's a lot of cause and effect in all of this for me, but I'm clearly most depressed in the mornings. That starts my days off with an immense amount of temptation b/c I will sometimes jump start the system with a fapping session. Morning depression is a thing. And it is caused by interrupted sleep patterns.

    I'll sleep on the trail because I'll be exhausted!

    RD
     
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  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Being with nature can be tremendously healing, RD. Have a great trip:)
     
  20. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    I’ve never thought of it in those terms either, but now that it is spelled out like that it is obvious. I have also cheated on every single woman that I’ve had an intimate relationship on with PMO.
     

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