Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Being willing to feel, rather than fill that emptiness is key, RD. We don't need to fix it. We need to feel it. Feel, heal, become real:)
    Keep up your excellent effort!
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, yes, that feeling I felt with her was special. The whole relationship was special until it wasn't any more. I don't obsess on her or spend a lot of time thinking about her or it unless I get really lonely. Then, as much as what was good and is missed, as the fact that was my last reference point for a relationship it creeps into my mind.

    @NCBob I agree with you totally but with one nuance. I do feel. And I don't like the sensation. So I self medicate.

    I am confidently hitting reset on my counter this morning. High water mark for the year (and likely the last 18 months) is 17 days. I did not porn. I did not O. I did M. And I did it beyond a few random touches. I'm calling myself out of bounds and resetting because I'm becoming less and less of a 2020 RD and more and more of 2019 every day.

    I feel no shame in resetting. I did not slip in full or relapse. When I started this I set a very high bar to measure myself. I failed the measure and so it is time to reset but keep doing what I'm doing.

    It is 5 am. I went to bed last night at 8. I'm enjoying a cup of coffee, journaling and planning my day. When that is done I'm going to row for 30 minutes and start my week on routine.

    I appreciate the words of support. I didn't full on fail but I'm starting to head there. Counter set is as much a wake up call as it is anything else.

    Here's to a good Day 1! 17 days really wasn't that difficult to get to. It'll be back before I know it.

  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Oh, what a week.

    Last Fall on Tinder a young woman connected with me. Turns out she went to my son's high school. I disengaged but not until we had chatted a bit.

    Nothing happened. So we did chat back-and-forth for a while.

    I feel like I need to say she's 18 now and was then.

    This week in a class where my son has some friends she told everyone we were dating.

    We never met. Never dated. Never did anything other than a few minutes of banter.

    My sons are my everything and they are pissed at me for being online.

    I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I shouldn't be on those apps. NONE of them are on my phone right now.

    We do dumb stuff in this addiction that makes sense in the heat of the moment. We don't think it can come back and bite our asses. This did HARD even though nothing beyond the back and forth conversation happened.

    I have an embarrassed 17 year old. Two pissed off older boys. And a mess I can do nothing about but keep moving forward and be all that more tied to what I've been working on.

    Any words of wisdom would be fully appreciated.

    I feel like shit.

    Last edited: Jan 25, 2020
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I’m most worried about my younger son.

    My two older boys let me have it and then circled back around and shared that they love me and that they are worried about me.

    I feel sad my younger son is dealing with this.

    I don’t remember many of the details of the conversation. It happened last year shortly after school started is all I can remember. I feel shame for having been that way. When that part of my addiction is directing me I’m not very discerning about who or what I talk to online.

    And this is a consequence of it.

    I cannot fix my past. This drama from the week not to be off my path. My path to health was correct. So today is reset Saturday. Back to the routine.

  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Rugger, I'm glad your older boys talked to you. The fact that you can have that kind of discussion with them is a good thing. I would say you're a very lucky man to have sons who are mature enough to "let you have it" and also tell you how much they love you and are concerned for you. Your youngest is hurting. Being embarrassed in front of your peers at that age is pretty traumatic. He probably needs some time to process this, but I guess all I can offer is that he will get over this. If he doesn't already know the details of what happened, and that you never met her, maybe telling him that would help. Social media is causing all kinds of problems like this. I'm glad you're committed to removing it from your life. Your son has probably seen the drama it can create for people.
    You are improving your life. You are not perfect, and when sons realize this about their fathers, it can be pretty hard on them. My boys have certainly seen plenty of my imperfections. Since you can't change what was done, all you can do is move forward.
    I wish you the best.
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    When we act out in the clutches of this addiction we do things that have the potential to set things in motion we can’t control.

    What I did happened over six months ago. And yet for my sons it’s like it happened right now.

    I feel the deep shame that used to follow long porn binges.

    I feel the potential threat of the boys mom getting involved. I feel the threat of other things I did when I’ve acted out that might come back to heart someday.

    so my feelings today are a mix of shame and fear.

    and yet through that fog I’m trying to see the things I’ve done lately to improve myself. I’ve got to manage through this process or they could drag me back down.

    I’m square with the two older boys now. I am incredibly blessed to have raised boys with such emotional maturity even when I admit to not having it or good judgment sometimes. When I spent most of my efforts in life raising them was when I was most heavily distracted with porn. I remembered many times has a dad feeling completely fraudulent as I taught them how to do something that I certainly didn’t follow.

    Then I’ll see it that way. They see the teaching and don’t see the fraud. Damn do I feel it.
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I’m gonna spend the next two days feeling this. My youngest is about ready to come home from work and we’re going to get a chance to talk. I’m sure the feelings will increase after that conversation! Dealing with this hat on is actually part of getting better. Glad I know that. It is going to suck.
  9. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    Pretty crazy. Hang in there though. Feeling too ashamed isn't helpful when it comes to this addiction.

    I tried Tinder once and got rid of it before the day was out lol. Let's keep it offline!
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I make a clear distinction between 2020 Doug and 2019 Doug.

    This event shows that our poor decisions and bad actions follow us. What we do is a part of our past and it can come back to haunt at any time. That was the hardest part of dealing with this whole event.

    I spoke in length with my younger son yesterday. He's more upset about my health. I endured a mini intervention from him yesterday. He wasn't stuffing his feelings but they were more about his concern for me and less about what I did and the resulting embarrassment. I told all the boys in 2016 when the divorce went down my story. He was 14. I told him again.. You hear that differently at 17 than at 14. I shared with him about the porn, p-subs which is what the dating apps are for me. I shared with him my 2020 plan and why that tied off to healthy living for a addict like me. It felt good to get it out. He feels like Dad is doing the right things and understands. We used the time to talk about his own depression and why I was concerned he didn't find his own self medication.

    So that episode ended well.

    Company winter party last night. It was fun to get out and socialize with people I enjoy.

    Today's a "2020" day as I get back to work.
    Mozenjo, axebattler and NCBob like this.
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    This is tough stuff, RD. Dealing directly with feelings of shame and abandonment can be excruciatingly challenging. Good for you for having those difficult conversations with your sons. Eventually, our uncomfortable feelings will move on, and so will we.
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    2020 Doug is on the right path. With 3 sons who care deeply about him, and want him to deal with his stuff and get healthy.
    Make them proud, sir. And keep posting.
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Last week was an up and down week. The resolve that got me to 17 days not that long ago didn't seem anywhere to be found.

    I found it over the weekend.

    I feel like I am back to where I am in a really good spot.

    At church yesterday the pastor described the elasticity of the brain and how it could either be healed or how it could be damaged with bad thinking.

    He described being dropped into a virgin grassy field that had never been walked on.

    Our brain.

    And if you just wandered aimlessly you could turn around and see where the grass had been disturbed but it would have bounced back a little bit.

    But if you walked back and forth over the same section of grass you would wear a path that wouldn't bounce back, was worn into the landscape.

    He was talking in general about how what we think is what we are.

    It made total sense for me that if we are Ming or PMOing all the time that is what we think about.
    If we think about NOT Ming or PMOing all the time that is still all we think about.

    It also explains why learning other things, doing new things to get out of the rut ... particularly when those of who have been fighting this for a long time know our ruts are deep.

    Anyway, thought I'd share that. I'm back at it in full force.

    axebattler likes this.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    In a rush this morning. Back to solid ground. Three days on the counter is real and solid. Working my way back to and beyond 17.

    axebattler likes this.
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Another good day yesterday. Feel set for the same today.

    Too busy. Not sleeping well. But fighting the temptation to PMO / M to self medicate the stress. It's Thursday. I'll make the weekend.

    Mozenjo likes this.
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Made the weekend or seven days.

    Had very little sleep toward the end of the week last week. That started a cascade of things that ended up with the slip last night.

    Bedtime for each day this week is on the calendar. As silly as it seems that is where things must start for me.

  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That's not silly, Rugger. Late at night is when I'm most vulnerable as well. If there's a way to put up some real roadblocks to getting to the sites that trip you up, give them a try. We need to change the game to give ourselves a fighting chance. You can do this.
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    The last couple of weeks have been brutal.

    We had a project go south -- one of my employees totally dropped the ball to the point the client asked for their retainer back -- so I stepped up and saved it. But it was a 80 hour project with a 3 month duration that I finished the do over in 2.5 weeks. I was exhausted. The more exhausted I got the more everything else went to hell.

    My place is a mess .... or was .. I cleaned today.

    And that is a metaphor for everything else. Reset the counter. Found a crossfit gym close to work and have an intro appointment Thursday - they have 11 sessions a day so there are NO excuses.

    About to go to bed. It is bedtime!
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    It feels good to be back on routine.

    I don't know how to stop getting off of it. I had no choice but to save that project. I should have done it a different way.

    Anyway, back on the routine. And I feel good. Early bed last night. Woke up at 4 completely rested. Laid in bed until 5. Got up, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen while things cooked. Some anxiety built while I laid in bed. There was some temptation to ease it with M, but I resisted that fairly easily.

    Not much more to say.

    I feel sheepish about having a big plan, blowing it so magnificently and then coming back to it. I use a to do list called todoist. My daily routines are in it. First time I've been in it in a month was today. Staying in it daily should help me stay on focus. When I got overwhelmed at work I let my entire life be overwhelmed and then all I had was self medication rather than the energy to get back to focus.

    Things to think about.

  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    This is the conundrum. How to be strong enough when we're out of energy and want relief.
    30 days, Rugger. Squeaky clean for 30 days. And then another 30. But that first month clean will work wonders...
    If you're wiped out and feeling vulnerable, keep the triggers away. Mine are the obvious two: computer and phone. Instant access. It's too damned accessible, so we must do whatever it takes to remove the temptation in these early days.
    Surf the urges when they hit. Observe them and let them pass. I'm trying that today. At the computer all day, so I need the tools as I'm sure you do.
    Boxer17 likes this.

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