Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I have spent the day resisting P subs. I'm pretty far from a slip/relapse but the P subs have been popping up as choices all day long.

    Had one moment when I almost went into the abyss but caught myself.

    I'll finish the day. Almost time for bed.

    It's not been the day I wanted to have but I've avoided PMO.

  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I'm at 10 days!

    This is the longest streak I've had, I think, in over a year.

    Very confident that it is my choice whether I make it to 30 days or not.

  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Nice job! Yes, it is absolutely your choice, Rugger. 30 days is there. I'm going for it too. I'll be there 10 days after you. Let's choose sobriety and live a better life!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    My routine is to come here twice a day. So I'm here. Not much more to add. Wrestling tournament today. I am exhausted. Going to bed very soon.

    I will wake up on Day 11 tomorrow.

  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    The hardest part about this new routine is holding back on jumping in the work. Nothing on my work agenda today needs to be started right now. I have a relatively free calendar in the office. If I start working at 6:30 or nine it really doesn’t matter. But it was all I could do to do my self-careRoutine this morning and not sit down and start working.

    I’m at day 11 and feel no real risk of slip and relapse.

    This week I’m focused on five days of my morning routine and getting it done regardless of how late that puts me in the office.

    I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow to start the conversation about my bad sleep.

    Sleep impacts obesity, depression, ED and many other things that I have signs of. I slept long but not well last night. I do think that’s a biggie.

  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Difficult day. Really feeling the lack of a woman in my life.

    Got through all my morning stuff like I planned. Felt odd not being focused on work. Like I was going to get in trouble or something!

    I need this feeling discreet then. And I can’t shake it. And I stayed at the house I’m sure I would’ve had a very difficult time managing temptation. No at work there’s no temptation with this general sadness that I really just don’t have one single woman in my life outside of a work relationship to do anything with.

    I feel very empty today.
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I'm reminded of when I lived in Oklahoma, and the skies were clear, bright, and blue. 30 minutes later, hellacious thunderstorms were firing up everywhere.

    Keep up the good work, and stay vigilant, RD:)
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @NCBob, that is a great way to describe it.

    I realized today that this change I'm trying to make is like a slow dimmer switch and not a simple light switch. It's not a quick flip and then "NEW RUGGER!". I feel like I realized that when I went down this path over break, but in the heat of the moment when the emotions are flowing it is very different than when thinking about them.

    Today was my most difficult day since I started the streak.

    But I didn't give in. I did row this morning. Did take my medicine and vitamins. Did get a lot done at work. Did workout tonight.

    I'm grateful for what I did do. Keeping my thoughts focused on what I'm grateful for certainly helped defend.

    I don't want to walk away from those things I'm grateful for. If I keep those front and center I've found it easier.

    I really do want to transform portions of my life. If I keep those front and center I've found it easier.

    But today I was anxious about work. And for whatever reason my lack of a woman in my life -- in any way outside of work relationships -- just struck hard. I'm not all caught up in Valentine's Day. I know that's not it.

    I came home last night exhausted after the wrestling tournament. The boys had already gone to their mom's. They had cleaned the kitchen but had trashed the living room. I love having them around but the meatheads just rattle Dad's sanctuary sometimes. I stayed up past my bed time. I didn't sleep well. Cuddling the dog keeps me warm but he's not much for pillow talk. Just all of that together felt off. And I felt lonely.

    I spent some time talking to one of the volunteers. She had two kids wrestling. The conversation was just about the sport and what she needed to do at her station at the tournament as she'd never done bracket scoring. I'm running the tournament so I taught her. She was perfect for me .. except she had 2 little kids and a husband .. I kept my thoughts and actions respectful ... but they got less respectful as I came home.

    It was all of that in a big ball. And then today I just felt empty.

    I concluded over break that you attract who you are. I do not attract the kind of woman I want to be with. But that is because I'm not the kind of man that would attract that kind of woman. So it is a process.

    I'm working the process, staying focused on where I want to go, even though the journey is not without its bumps.

    As I type this I'm actively arguing inside about making a beer run. My brain is on full bore. I'm going to have trouble sleeping tonight. And my "solution" is to go drink beer. Except I'm not. Because that isn't who I want to be.

    Who I am is going to wake up on day 12, still at it.

    NCBob likes this.
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Nothing beats a good night's sleep, RD:)
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Good morning Rugger. The struggle we are going through brings on all the feelings you were feeling yesterday. Loneliness is going to happen. Your desire for a woman in your life is normal as you break through the addiction. You want to reap the rewards for being good. You WILL reap those rewards! As you say, you attract what you are. You are not this addiction. I know that and you know that. Wherever you are on this journey, we're here to support you. Keep going, man.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Today has been difficult.

    First, I spent the day thinking it was Valentines Day. I've mentally lost a month!

    But that's not why.

    This PMO lifestyle we have chosen ourselves into is one of comfort. We feel stress. PMO. We feel anxiety. PMO. She's hot! PMO. Work is hard. PMO. She likes me. PMO.

    That's comfortable.

    We feel stress because we aren't taking care of ourselves or because the external world is invading our lives.
    Same for anxiety. I'm not poo pooing it as a disease. Same with depression.
    She's hot.
    Work is hard.
    She likes me.
    And so on.

    That causes PMO because at some point we chose, decided, abdicated ... to PMO as our means of dealing with life.

    And so PMO is comfort.

    Changing means accepting ... embracing ... seeking out and wecoming ... discomfort.

    It is NOT just rewiring the brain to dick connection .

    But the brains connection with everything that causes stress.

    To make the move to health you must be ok with feeling exposed with all sorts of emotional shit because grabbing your dick in your fist, watching some porn and rubbing one out isn't allowed anymore.

    You .. I .. Doug .. MUST deal with it.

    And PMO is so comfortable.

    To punch through the wall to health requires a walk through emotional discomfort.

    It just does.

    I accept that.

    NCBob and Mozenjo like this.
  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Woke up this morning and decided while I laid in bed to test. On much more sensitive. With no more stimulation than my thoughts and my hand I was about 50% erect.

    The test and lasted for a couple minutes when I realized that I had woken up anxious about some things today at the office and really wasn’t feeling sexually turned on. Stopped. Cold shower.

    after the shower I realized it at some point if I don’t have a woman in my life go back to occasionally masturbating. But I’ve not set the ground rules for what that is. And I really don’t want to do it until after 30 days.

  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You've had some great posts over the years, Rugger, but this one really hits home. Emotional discomfort is necessary. No pain, no gain. That's the way life works. Thank you.
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Great post, RD:)
    Having a willingness to become comfortably uncomfortable is key, and to trust that at some point, the discomfort works its way out of our system. Stay on it, RD:D
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Hey kids!

    The last few days have SUCKED!

    But I'm hanging in there.

    I'm not happy about it.

    I'm in limbo between old me and new me.

    No PMO. More touching than I'd like to admit. Habit touching rather than binging. But I still hate it.
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I started a post last night. Didn’t really finish my thoughts.

    I laid down on the couch for a few minutes to rest my eyes and didn’t wake up till morning.

    Since I committed myself to this new routine this week has been more like last year than any other week. I was exhausted Sunday for the wrestling tournament I did not go to church. I’ve only been in the gym a couple times this week. I’ve only rowed a few times. I didn’t prep any food and I’ve eaten like crap all week.

    My streak is still intact.

    But if I continue to live like last year eventually it will fall.

    it’s Friday. I have tomorrow to hit the reset button and adjust some things. And then Sunday is my last wrestling tournament. But I need to be committed to going to church. Church. Fitness. Sleep. Self-care on a daily basis. It’s going to be a struggle to build that in as a familiar comfortable routine. I think having a bad week is part of the process as long as I recognize it and adjust.
  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It's time to call out the inner wrestler in you, RD:) It takes quite a bit of discipline, from cutting weight, to honing wresting skills, to some serious conditioning, to do well on the mat. Just make your recovery, your mat:D
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    True that!
    I hear ya, man. You're doing better than I am, Rugger. Too much touching, too much peeking, when zero of the above is what is required.
    Keep posting. It helps. I'll be posting all weekend, as I'm stuck here in front of the computer for 3 days solid. Let's keep each other honest!
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @NCBob, @Mozenjo Thanks for the encouragement.

    Slept in today. I'm enjoying my first cup of coffee and writing. Coffee to fully wake up! Writing to remind myself of what I want to accomplish today.

    I'm off routine. Have been all week.

    I'm going to prune todoist which is the to do app I use to track my routines. Have some things that need to be caught up. Objective is to get it back to baseline to start next week solid.

    I'm going to "jewel the house" meaning I'm going to clean my place so it sparkles like a jewel. It is not so jewel-like at the moment.

    I am feeling the pull. I'm going to reset boundaries today because this week, while I've not killed the streak, I've let the boundaries get in too close.

    Yesterday I was intensely depressed. Today it is lingering, but if I keep moving and getting things done it is light enough it'll dissipate. In the past I've pushed the right buttons to go deeper into the depression. I would do it intentionally. A PMO session. A couple beers in a day drink. A few other things and I'm deep into it for several days. I'm not making that choice today. Last year I chose that many times. I don't know why. Likely a question to answer sometime but not today. Today I just want to manage the depression away.

    I'm also INTENSELY lonely. A long time ago I had a moment with an old girlfriend that was the most intimate thing I've ever experience in a relationship. I wrote about it here. We fell asleep. One of those afternoon naps. But neither of slept deeply. We laid sleepily for a long afternoon, intertwined but inverted. That long touch is a moment in my life I'll always remember. Again, it was intimate but not sexual. It was beyond that if that makes any sense. Deeper some how.

    The craving for that feeling creeps into my life sometimes. She was the only woman I've gotten to that depth before. On the surface someone might say I miss her. I don't think she would fit into my life now. I do miss the relationship, but not her specifically. But damn do I miss that touch. That emptiness .... knowing I had it once and that I'm not going to have it today ... THAT is the most dangerous trigger to PMO. I feel lonely. I feel empty. I feel that neediness -- that's what it is -- most when stress is high.

    A few minutes of M .... or a PMO binge won't fill that hole. I know that. I have decided that today I am not going to try to fill it that way. I'm safe. But that emptiness feels so heavy when it comes out.

    Heavy. But I am in a good mood. I'm confident I'll get through the day intact, more prepared to carry on that I was earlier this week.

    I'll likely be back as I work through the day.

    Mozenjo likes this.
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That feeling you felt with the old girlfriend is special. It's going to happen again for you, Rugger. I know it. You're already something of a chick magnet, and when you shed this terrible addiction, you will attract even more women. Finding the one that makes you feel that way again may seem like a distant goal, but it could happen any time. If you let it. And you're 16 days closer to realizing it.
    NCBob likes this.

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