Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Bobo, thanks.

    I’m laying awake in bed. It’s time to get up. No PMO temptation this morning. I feel like a lot of the tension I’ve had over the last few weeks with my wanting to quit because of her not because of me. And then I was anxious about potential intimacy.

    At the moment there is no prospect in my life. And that actually feels calming.

    I woke up about an hour ago. I’ve been laying in bed thinking.

    My usual response to having a close call with a woman is to immediately jump back into all the dating apps.

    Another typical response for me just to re-read past messages and look at pictures and send to me. I blew all that away last night. There’s no sign of her on my phone at all.

    Truthfully I was thinking about moving on myself. Given that there wasn’t anybody else in the picture waiting to see how things played out made some sense.

    Anyway I am still mentally chewing on it. Obviously. But I feel more resilient about it than I have another break up situations.

    Moving on.
  2. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Maybe you need more balance and could aim to progress in other areas of your life. Other than just relationships/dating apps what about strengthening bonds with family/friends. Working on your career, spirituality or health?
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @forlorn, thank you. I've been circling around that same conclusion myself but your words were a tipping point to realization. The different I need to do is to focus on the other aspects of my life and not this. Kind of an "A ha!" moment and a "Duh!" moment all rolled up into one.

    The formula I've followed for so long is NoPMO for long enough that things kind of work and then if I'm dating have a little fun or go back to at least M if nThe Wheel of Life is really a time management tool. Are you happy with the 12 (model I used) areas in your life? Are you spending enough time in them?ot full on PMO. It used to be a long cycle. I'd make it to 90 days and beyond sometimes. But it was always about doing just enough to fix my PIED but not really get healthy.

    Tonight I found a couple of "wheel of life" worksheets and filled one out. @forlorn, your advice was measurably needed. I'm incredibly out of balance. The Wheel of Life is really a time management tool. Are you happy with the 12 (model I used) areas in your life? Are you spending enough time in them? My average score across all 12 areas was less than 5.

    Four areas stood out for improvement. Health/fitness; Recreation/Fun; Physical Environment; Spirituality

    It's not rocket science. I don't slow down enough to think about it.

    I'm going to spend the slow week getting things together and focus on those 4 things for 120 days. I spent the night drawing up the beginnings of a plan to keep me on track.

    I feel really good.

  4. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Yes, I think we need to remind ourselves that this is a journey. Achieving 90 days sobriety would almost be meaningless without some form of bigger vision for our lives. The wheel of life thing is a great idea, I plan to do the same exercise using categories something along the lines of this - career, relationships, money/security, hobbies, happiness, family, health, life goals.
  5. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Man that does hurt! Keep your integrity RD. There IS someone out there for you
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Boxer17, yes it hurt. But I felt it was coming b/c we never could get a date scheduled. She was in but not all in, ever. I had contemplated walking myself but b/c she was a real connection on many levels I stayed in to let it play out. I would do the same thing all over again.

    I spent the long weekend focused on relaxing and putting together a plan based on the wheel of life work that I did.

    Today that plan starts.

    Most of the effort is on rebuilding the spirit, fitness, having fun things to do and improving my physical environment.

    It is a 120 plan where I expect by just doing things (e.g. going to church every weekend, reconnecting with the homeless ministry for the spirit; going to the gym 3x per week; running a mile everyday; long walking the dog every day, no drinking for fitness) that my life balance will improve.

    Read a lot over the weekend on Your Brain On Porn. "I knew it all" but didn't. Not to get into detail but there were old ideas and facts that I had forgetten as well as some new information. It was very helpful in reminding myself of why just focusing on No PMO doesn't work.

    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    So far so good today. I’m in for a December challenge on no faP. I’m at home right now struggling a little bit with the temptation to tug but I’m just noting it’s there and ignoring it for the time being. I feel like I’ll make it through the night. Actually, I will make it through the night I’m not gonna look or touch.
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey Rugger, how's it going, man? Hope your reboot is moving along. I know you want a connection with the right woman, and you sure as hell deserve that. It will happen. It may make sense to focus on your 90 or 120 day goal (one day at a time of course) before dating again, but that's your choice. I learned several years ago that many women are not willing to stick it out with us as we deal with our problem, so maybe best to make good progress and get the ED under control first. It's just hard to day which course is best, because you seem to be the kind of guy who doesn't have a problem attracting women to you.
    I wish you the best whichever way you achieve your goal.
    Boxer17 likes this.

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