Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Really glad to see you're back in the game! I'm in a similar place, with a woman who may have some promise and an addiction that keeps hanging around...
    Let's see this as the wakeup call that will get us past our compulsions.
    Gotta get going, but wanted you to know I'm on your side!
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo! I always have mixed feelings when I see you here. I’m glad you’re still working but it sucks you still have too!

    All, just calling out some tension I’m having. Plans with this new girl for tomorrow night fell through.

    Factually it’s just two people with busy schedules having to make some rearrangements. We’ve postponed the plans we had tomorrow night.

    Emotionally I’m sullen. I’m very much being tugged to jump back on dating apps. I’m not going to make that move but I physically feel the tug almost.

    I made a commitment to stay off regardless of where this connection goes. I’m keeping that commitment. But I understand now how little relationship issues send me into a place I shouldn’t be.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Which side won? Did you manage to refrain from looking at pictures on the dating apps? Are they deinstalled now? If so, good for you. :)

    I've been at that daily struggle before and it got better for me. Keep at it, if my life is a guide you'll be benefitting yourself before you know it.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @nuclpow, I won, I didn't fall into the trap. No P. No dating apps. No M. They've stayed uninstalled once I went through this crazy install uninstall bonanza the first day I committed to her I would stay out. It was just nuts.

    I've done this before, successfully, by just muscling through.

    To get it right I realized I had to really care to stop, had to learn to love myself and had to learn to be ok with my emotions. I've not really cared to stop nor have I applied the lessons of how to love myself and how to be ok with my emotions.

    Whether she is "the one" or not remains to be seen. But I am interested enough in the possibilities that she's got my attention applied to all 3 things.

    Flat out told her about everything and she accepted my struggle without judgement.

    So I'm going to ride this out. Two days in and I feel really good. Realize, from my past experience, if I make it past 30 I'm going to make it to 90 with or without her along for the ride.

    I also realize that these next 30 days are so are crucial because I need to be doing this for myself and not for her. She's a benefit. If I can get to where I accept doing it for me I'm going to make it.

    Boxer17 likes this.
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yep, my long periods away from this place have never been due to me pulling through and being a smashing success...

    No worries. Mid-week dates can be tough. Thinking good thoughts for you.

    Boy, can I relate to that one. I had so seriously "surf the urge" tonight. They don't call it white-knuckling for nothin'.

    Yeah, it's amazing how our brains can twist any little disappointment, or even an intensely positive rush of emotion, into cravings for escape. It's just the classic coping mechanism run amok.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    About to take my second cold shower. Difficult night
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I had a terrible weekend.

    I've not O'd since I committed to buckle down and get this out of my system (again). Much of last week I was completely PMO free and wasn't drinking. Friday afternoon I had finished the 3rd stressful day in a row and had an event to go to with my ex wife.

    I talked myself into a beer and then into another. Went to the event. The last month or so I've done quite a bit of the online dating apps. I got off of them last week but Friday night my phone blew up with texts from a few women I'd either ghosted or thought had ghosted me. I'm focused on this one woman (Caitlin) who I really like. The texts through me off. I came home and finished 4 more beers.

    Predictably I woke up depressed and started tugging to feel better. Should have taken a cold shower, gone for a run or the gym and pushed through the depression. But I gave into it.

    No O. But by the time the weekend was over I had peeked at porn, read erotica and started into the dating apps again. It didn't help that Cait was at an all weekend conference. I have to be able to do this on my own or I won't be much of a catch but a little bit of conversation would have been a lifeline of sorts.

    So here I am at 10 am sitting in a Starbucks feeling crappy. I still feel depressed. This one is deep. I didn't want to go to work today. I have to travel for two speaking engagements that I have this week. It could be a pretty light week, but if I'm unmotivated to do anything I'm going to end up behind before the week is over.

    I realize I made choices to get me here.

    I'm working to unmake them. The apps are gone. The porn is put away off my devices. I'm at Starbucks because I knew if I worked from home this morning I was going to keep tugging. When I travel I usually don't act out oddly enough so I feel good about the week.

    I remember what is was like to connect sexually with a woman. The last time I had successful sex was with Alicia over 3 years ago. I've been with woman and had "OK" sex but not the kind of sex I had when I was constantly thinking about PIED throughout the act.

    I remember what is was like to be 100% confident with a woman not the 97% or 74% or whatever not quite confident I am now.

    I let this shit -- chose to keep this shit -- in my life these past so many months and now that I've decided to cut it out I find again how difficult it is. I am not doing a particularly good job of quitting it at this point ... particularly the constant M. Making the decision that I am going to quit has created all kinds of turmoil.

    And it is the M that is the real problem. The only reason I really go to a dating app, porn or erotica is because I need some stimulation. If I kept my hands out of my pants the other things would not follow. They used to lead but not they simply follow the self gratification. I read somewhere about the chemicals that are released from constant M are essentially medication to depression, anxiety, etc. As I cut that medicine back the call to "take it" gets louder. Its that simple even as all the details make it more complicated.


    Here's the plan.

    No more M. None. Walks. Cold showers. Runs. Pushups. I'm going to take a small kettle bell with me on my trip. That gives me enough non-electronic choices.
    No drinking. I've proven that I am making bad choices when I drink. I'm not going to totally cut it out of my life but none this week.
    Apps, porn and erotica are off the phone and will stay off the phone.

    That's the simple plan.

    I've been reading about ED / PIED, etc. and I think my weight has some contributing factor. I'm fit fat. I always come up with some elaborate workout scheme that then always seems to fall apart. I don't need hours in the gym. I'm going to just start running. I remember when I was super fit and how good that felt. How confident I felt with it. That too is going to be a hard start but I need to do it because it balances the bad stuff.

    There's a reception tonight for the speakers and CEO's at this conference. I'm going to do bottled water, take my running gear and run. Fun thing is that it is at my alma mater so I'll enjoy the run through old stomping grounds.

    This is hard, but not impossible. I must stop making it impossible.
    nuclpow likes this.
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am going to journal my way through this. I’m driving right now. There’s no risk of me watching porn or masturbating but there’s also no way I can take a cold shower! I am so mentally distracted. I got a little bit of work done at the Starbucks but my mind is spinning. Kate land. Girls I’ve met. Temptation do rub myself a little bit. Anxiety over the work I’ve got this not yet done that needs to get done. All of that wrapped up in a bit of a brain fog. I remember the last time I really Put this in Dickson and it’s place I broke my life out in the one hour and four hour increments. So for the next four hours I’m going to drive check into the hotel go down to the conference.

    I’m going to find some time to meditate. Likely take a cold shower before I go down to the conference and then tonight when I go out for dinner I’m not going to drink. I’ll be back I’m sure. Just got a brain doctor today.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    My divorce anniversary was three years ago last Friday. Saturday I finally got living room furniture. It’s amazing how it feels moving forward.

    Not sure where things are going with the woman that kind of set off this latest round of attempted improvement in my addiction. But it’s not about her. It’s about me.

    I slipped this weekend. Really for no other reason then it is habit.

    My phone is clean. I’m back into four hour blocks. I think I’ll make it today. My goal right now is to make it until tomorrow without looking at dating apps or anything else and without touching. I’m busy enough today that I feel pretty confident I won’t.

    My most difficult times are either when there’s a lot of stress or there’s nothing to do. Nothing to do really is the biggest trigger. I spent yesterday putting together some things I could do that would keep me from feeling that way.

    I am disappointed in myself. When I first set out to do this it was almost 90 days ago. I wanted to be at the weight I came in to my employer when they bought the firm and have 90 days of no fab under my belt. There’s a week left before that 90 day mark. But here I am starting over.
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I’m stuck in traffic. Doing speech to text. No editing so I hope this makes sense

    I’m committed to making a 24 hour touch free streak. I did better last week from a dating app Perspective. But I cannot stop touching myself. No! I did not stop touching myself. That’s different then cannot. I will stop touching myse

    So I’m stuck in traffic. We’re moving about 5 miles an hour. I’m not tempted to touch but all that’s running through my mind even with the radio on our sexual fonts. Just a constant stream. I wish I could take my brain and pull it out and put it in Clorox and bleach it.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    One of the positive things I’ve done is learn to meditate. I use the Headspace app. There’s a technique from Headspace called noting.

    Essentially when I thought comes into your head rather than follow that thought and get consumed by it noting teachers to just lightly touch it acknowledge it and MoveOn. That’s what I’m trying to do with these porn thoughts. They’re there and I cannot overthink them. If I get caught up in thinking about them I am most definitely going to slip. But if I just note that they’re there. I think I can Get through this.

    Even during this period of time when I was on target and within the boundaries of what I had set for myself over the last couple weeks my brain has been totally fixated on sexual thoughts. Just a flood of them. And the trouble is the more you think about not taking them you were actually thinking about them.
  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I’m doing a webinar later this week. I’m working on my slides. But half my brain is on the presentation. And the other half Are sexually related thoughts.

    The temptation to download a dating app on my phone is enormous. I’m not going to do it.
    NCBob likes this.
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    This too shall pass, ruggerdoug. Keep up your most excellent efforts:)
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Things have settled down a little bit. Three distinct moments though when I touched myself almost without thinking.

    The total torrent of sexual thoughts is still there but not at the high-volume it was yesterday.

    I feel my interest in this woman waning. A lot of great phone conversations and texting but not a lot of availability for actually going out. She’s dealing with some of her own things. I don’t feel she’s been totally transparent about them all but I do know they’re the reason we’re not going out. I’ve been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt will she work through things but I’m of the mindset to be available and begin exploring what a dating relationship would be like. I’m not sure I’m going to get to that with her.

    That being said I’m pretty certain I’m not gonna go back to my addictive behavior and wait until the next one comes along. I have not totally given up on her. More importantly I’ve not even come close to giving up on my desire to get this thing done. The sexual thoughts of increased as I’ve considered stepping away from the relationship. So I’ve got a good idea of the sources emotional. I don’t have to solve her today I just have to keep my hands out of my pants today. And the rest will take care of itself.
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I’ve had a great 24 hours.

    The crazy type of sexual thoughts has slowed dramatically. I successfully fought off Real temptation of downloading now or looking at things I should look at most of day. A couple times i went to a website and then stopped. Even though that certainly doesn’t qualify for Monk mode I measure my porn exposure in the last 24 hours in seconds not minutes.

    I read back through my journal from years ago Mike seemed like it was struggling like I am now. I still have the PIED. I still masturbate to relieve stress. The dating apps are a problem. And occasionally I look at porn and read stories.

    Two years ago a porn binge might be an entire day. Even in the middle of too much I couldn’t get enough.

    Sometimes with the dating apps if I’m getting a lot of connections I feel that. That all consuming craving for just a little more that never ends.

    That’s not where I am right now. The dating apps are contained. As the week has progressed I’ve touched myself less and less. I woke up this morning with a raging Morningwood. All it took was a solid day mostly separated from porn and a good nights sleep.

    What I’m writing to remind myself is that while I am not 100% where I want to be. It’s just a small number of percentage points that I have to focus on getting rid of it not a whole big mess like it used to be. It feels every bit as daunting as it was when I was totally consumed by this.

    I am ready to date in the ED is a barrier. But I’ve also had successful sex this year. I feel pretty confident if I stay on this path I’m going to be where I want to be. 90 days puts me into February. That’s not that far away. And 90 days of no touch given that I’m already seen affect makes me feel really positive
  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I notice that each time I post on your journal, ruggerdoug, I never get acknowledgment for having posted. I feel a bit annoyed as a result. That's my stuff, for sure. And I need to put it out there...
  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @NCBob, i’m sorry I’ve done something to annoy you but I’m appreciative you pointed it out.

    I know my struggles with this crap because I never Learn how to express my needs and my emotions and found porn is the way to self medicate were out of whack.

    I assume then you may have a similar story and it be difficult for you to share that. So I appreciate that you did it.

    I very much do appreciate your comments. I appreciate the encouragement and sometimes the redirection of the learning that goes with your comments.

    There are times that I login I don’t even read what I wrote prior I’m just thinking out loud so to speak. Lately I’ve been only on the side in the car using speech to text to think things through.

    I didn’t mean to come off as ungrateful. It’s enough to try to post when I’m driving let alone read everything! I apologize it wasn’t attentive to your contribution. I’m sincerely sorry. I need to spend some time reading and not just spewing thoughts!
    NCBob likes this.
  18. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    :D I know whatcha mean RD
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    PMO is a disease of isolation. I've realized that I need to speak up when I feel abandoned, whether real or imagined. At the very least, I get my voice out there. Even better, when someone responds to it, so I appreciate your response, ruggerdoug:)

    Knowing that I'm not alone in all of this is critical for my recovery. You're not alone in all of this either:)
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Boxer17, it was easier going from PMOing ALL the time to just every once in a while. I want it all gone but the last remnants are the hardest to go.

    @NCBob, is PMO a disease of isolation or is isolation a disease we try to cure with PMO? Not that it really matters I guess because once you get neck deep into it you are into it no matter the reason.

    Much of my life I've been isolated, separated.

    When I was younger we moved to a rural community after living in a relatively big city. I was 5 and wanted to talk about the news, science fiction, politics ... and my class mates wanted to talk about football, farming and recess. I was at the top of my class without working too hard. I was in a reading group with 2 others in a class of 200; in my own math group. I was chubby (husky in the clothes department). I was made fun of for many things routinely.

    Then football came along and I found a natural way to connect and to vent my anger. Sports.

    But that pattern of isolation was set.

    This weekend I would have been 100% alone except my oldest popped over to watch some CFB; my youngest is with me this weekend.

    And so rather than sit around the apartment I've had some beer, played some video games and PMOd. PMOd even though life is going well right now. Even though I have a woman who is slowly -- appropriately paced -- working into my life. After a week of this ... not a huge binge or a lot of time wasting ... I've not gone to the gym, eaten like crap, feel like crap, gained weight ... and more inclined to make myself feel better about it with another PMO session.

    I can step back and see the cycle. I can tell you exactly what I need to do to break the cycle, even do it for some period of time. But without constant vigilance I let it all seep back into my life.

    If I compare now to 3 years ago ... or 5 years ago .. or 7 years ago ... (divorce anniversary / legal separation anniversary & met Alicia / deepest, darkest pit of life and marriage) I am so much better off in every category of life except relationship.

    And that is looking up. I have a woman working into my life. We are both interested in moving forward and for different reasons don't feel the need to rush it.

    I put a plan together. Commit to it. Slip. Put a plan together. Commit. Slip.

    So here's the plan.

    Focus on diet and working out.
    List of things to do today so I don't get bored and act out (do not have issues as much with the busy work weeks; it is the weekends)
    90 days from today is Saturday, February 8th.

    NCBob and nuclpow like this.

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