Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.
Keep up the good work. You are thinking very clearly as I can see. You have come a long way RD!
A lot of my struggle up until now been tied to recovering from the chaos and losses of life and addiction that led up to and included my divorce, a failing (yet successfully sold) business, a lost girlfriend and a slew of other not so fun things.
Much of that is behind me. I am starting a new chapter. I've bringing into it some financial consequences though that is improving, a great job with lots of stress and PIED. Life is as close to a blank slate as it has been for me since graduating college.
I'm feeling a sexual energy that goes beyond cravings to self medicate though they are still there. I no longer look at porn, stalk my old girl friend's social media or read erotica. I'm still drawn to dating sites. I'm getting that under control. And it feels more like me trying to find a date (been on a few) than it does flipping through a bunch of pics. Bumble and Tinder are porn subs for me and they are verboten.
I am ready to be ready for a girlfriend in my life.
I've dropped 16 pounds and counting.
I've started a different form of therapy that attacks head on some early childhood trauma at set me up to feel the need to self medicate.
I've in the last 30 days or so finally understood the meaning of "Loving Yourself". I always thoughat it was a feeling but it is action. Love yourself by eating right, doing the things you love every day ...
I am in a flatline like mode ... not complete but nearly ... some sensitivity has returned with the no O but the compulsive touching has certainly impacted that. I had a little bit of playful fun at the end of a date yesterday. To even get partially hard she had to touch me and even then I was only about 50% ... she is a friend that knows my issues and was patient ... it didn't take me long either ... so I'm getting there but still have PIED and premature ejaculation. Where I'm at is a huge step up from where I last was ... so I'm a bit more confident.
But I'm not cured or fixed. The addiction is still there. I've gone 21 days without a self induced O. The last week I was compulsively touching myself so much it ruined two work days. I finally got that under short term control but realize that is my biggest weak point now.
I am working on 3 things:
1. NOFAP. I started the 21 day challenge this morning at NOFAP. I KNOW that if I can make it to 90 days my PIED will improve.
2. Loving myself. Which I've learned in the last 30 days or so is an active thing. If I like working out, having a clean apartment, being active, etc. then DOING those things instead of things that make me feel awful is loving myself. I'm doing a much better job of doing that.
3. Figuring out who I want to be. Sounds fucked up at 54. My therapist asked me that last week to describe who I want to be in a few words. Speechless. Work to do. But I understand the exerscise now. I've defined myself by my work and not by the whole of who I am. We do 360 reviews in the office. Three of my employees mentioned I needed to take time for myself. I've felt trapped lately when I've been asked in various settings what I do for fun. I have things I like to do but I really don't do them. And I have other things I want to try out.
Fabulous Father's Day. I feel energized by my boys and how they still put me on a pedestal like they did when they were toddlers. They do that knowing that their dad is a porn addict. Here's to a good week.
You sound you are on the path. Good job the truth is very sobering isnt it ?
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