Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yes you do !--- GIVING UP PMO MAKES YOU A BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER ! Definitely harder than rugby! Dont think so?-- think again RD!:cool:
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Bobo, I get where you are coming from.

    And I'm not going to argue.

    I just mean that other than work I don't have anything that gives me swagger ... and then I think about my limp dick and ...

    But I get and embrace your point!

    Kept me out of my pants tonight in fact.

  3. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    RD: Regardless of whether there is anything in your life presently which should make you feel like a badass, there are a myriad of things which could make you feel like one. Easily. Your badass-edness lies within you. If it's not being manifested at present, it's easy to change. Think of something that you consider badass - completing a triathlon, climbing a mountain, shaving with a straight razor or running for elected office - whatever, and friggin do it. @Bobo 's point is that, regardless of whether you are being a badass there is ample evidence that you can. I agree with him.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    No disagreement here. My point wss I had put my badass up on a shelf and needed to find something.

    LOL. Actually, I know what it is, I just am psyching myself up to get it done!
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    My son graduated this weekend. He went to the same school I went to and it was a very big deal to me that he followed my choice. I had a great weekend even though I came back with a couple evil former mother in law stories. I continued to struggle last week. I had some great windshield time by myself driving to and from graduation. Two hours each way plus two days on a campus that has deep meaning to me helped me put a few things in better perspective.

    The only way to change is to act. Act differently. Act purposely. Act directly. Thinking and mentally masturbating about all this stuff is unhelpful. In fact in some twisted way continue to think about old girlfriends and other things in the past keeps that past active and mutes the joys of the future.

    I drink to turn my brain off from its over thinking about my emotions.
    I watch porn, dating apps, read erotica and masturbate because it FEELS like a connection even though it is not.
    I've started to journal my experience which is the first of a number of "act differently" I've decided on. Rather than continue to chew on this stuff in my head I'm getting it down on paper as quickly and as honestly as I can. I've already made some interesting discoveries doing that. And when I write my plan out in long hand it feels much more permanent.

    I got the journal idea from someone on NOFAP. The full suggestion was to journal daily with a journal where you wrote the top 4 reasons why quitting would benefit and the top 4 reasons why continuing would cost.

    Quitting porn for good means:

    I'll perform physically when I have an opportunity to connect with a woman that really matters
    I'll be able to pursue a woman with confidence
    I'll focus on life rather than instant gratification.
    I will have more time to do mundane tasks that must be done and have adventures I want to do.

    Not quitting porn will mean:

    I can't perform now and that will continue to be true.
    I always have poor performance in the back of my mind.
    I'm constantly thinking about fapping and sex to the point of distraction.
    I waste time thinking and acting out.

    The woman I was talking to and had a great date with ghosted on me. So strange our world is. I do it, too. Two people hungry for connection, connect but then one "swipes right" looking for something better because there is too much choice ...

    Anyway, my hopes of having a female partner in crime as I worked through this are largely gone.

    I'd like to say I'm not going to think about what I don't have but I would be fooling myself. Those thoughts are there and are quite strong. I am not going to settle for a woman less than what I want though just to have flesh to interact with. In reality ... though I don't like the reality ... I am quitting without any knowledge when the next time I get a pleasurable release. And I'm doing it now because of me not for any "her" in my life.

    The written journal will help me keep that in mind. I'll write in it. Reread it. Highlight those things I want to keep "pinned" to the top.

    It is titled "BE YOU!"

    I am a physical person. I like being outdoors, pushing myself physically. My porn habit and all its brother and sister and cousin related bad habits puts me into a life where the physical doesn't happen. I am going to replace porn with athletic endeavor.

    I've thought about what "Rugger's paradise" looks like. I'm totally rearranging my schedule. I can work whenever as long as things get done. So starting this week I'm giving myself an hour in the morning for myself and then an hour in the gym AND then I'll work ... I'm going to put myself first instead of this merry go round action of trying to get fit but doing it as the last priority of the day ... of trying to quit by getting healthy but not giving myself any time to actually make that happen.
    Got things sorted out with my therapist. He was out of the office for the two weeks I was trying to reach him. Bad timing. Terrible timing given where my mind was last week. I start back on Wednesday. I read that the most difficult thing about sex addiction is the talking about the sex. Sessions focus on surface feelings but sexual addictions are deep rooted things. I admit that I've been comfortable in therapy talking about today rather than focusing on the real issue.

    I am certain that my ED is not all porn related. I had episodes of ED early in life when my porn habit wasn't digital or frequent. I know there are things to be discovered, confronted and healed. I don't know what they are. I am going to commit to digging that out as therapy changes.

    Finally, I am certain that my ED is in my mind PIED and otherwise. Last week on two different nights I woke up with a hard on so hard it hurt. When I am awake, with porn, with erotica, with just my hand or with a woman, getting even the least bit hard takes manual intervention and I don't get that hard. It pisses me off! I want to be able to get that hard when I'm with a woman. The last successful sex I had was almost 4 years ago when Alicia and I were still a positive thing. From Fall 2015 until early into 2016 I was in great spirits, back from Philmont and mentally well put together. Sex was great! Somewhere in that time period we had our last good sex, my depression with my life mess took hold, I returned to porn, started to drift and began not being able to have sex.

    I've had some cuddle dates and some tumbles in bed with women since ... sometimes I've even gotten off but it's never been successful penetration or any kind of connection that lasts ... I want that again.

    So here I am .... quitting.
    Bobo likes this.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Let some things creep back in over the last few days. Started telling myself it was ok -- dating apps -- but I know it wasn't. Ended in a slip. Last night I deleted all of my accounts as opposed to the deactivation that I usually do. It is so easy to bring a deactivated account back up, but a deleted account means starting all over and makes it more likely I won't be back.

    The lie I tell myself with the dating apps is that I must find a woman in order to rewire so the apps are ok as long as I .. <and then I'll list a bunch of things that seem to be protecting me from the P sub reality> but their use always ends up back to the same place.

    Online dating apps are not a healthy place for me to find a woman, particularly apps that are more hookup in nature (and after my experiences they are all either hook up or instant gratification -- lets get hitched next week! sites).

    I have to get closer to 90 days than 4 days before it makes any difference as to whether I have a woman to rewire with or not.

    Woman I went out with a couple of weeks ago had ghosted on me. Got some closure on that. She felt I was smothering her. I texted maybe 5 times after our date so in hindsight I don't get that. I do get that I came out on our first date a little too googly eyed and intense. Regardless after talking I think I'm projecting myself as needy. Learning lesson. That won't go anywhere as we agreed to move on. But just another sign I am not ready for a woman in my life making the dating app thing ridiculous.

    Therapy session today. Starting a different approach. Much of this time it has been work on how I feel that day ..... but we are going to do a deep dive and go looking for the core issues that form the root of my depression, porn, alcohol, etc. I am looking forward to the fact that today signifies a different starting point.

    Got my blood tests back yesterday. T is 950 so that has been ruled out as an issue.

    Here's to a good day!

    Bobo likes this.

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