Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yes you do !--- GIVING UP PMO MAKES YOU A BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER ! Definitely harder than rugby! Dont think so?-- think again RD!:cool:
     
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Bobo, I get where you are coming from.

    And I'm not going to argue.

    I just mean that other than work I don't have anything that gives me swagger ... and then I think about my limp dick and ...

    But I get and embrace your point!

    Kept me out of my pants tonight in fact.

    RD
     
  3. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    RD: Regardless of whether there is anything in your life presently which should make you feel like a badass, there are a myriad of things which could make you feel like one. Easily. Your badass-edness lies within you. If it's not being manifested at present, it's easy to change. Think of something that you consider badass - completing a triathlon, climbing a mountain, shaving with a straight razor or running for elected office - whatever, and friggin do it. @Bobo 's point is that, regardless of whether you are being a badass there is ample evidence that you can. I agree with him.
     
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    No disagreement here. My point wss I had put my badass up on a shelf and needed to find something.

    LOL. Actually, I know what it is, I just am psyching myself up to get it done!
     
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    My son graduated this weekend. He went to the same school I went to and it was a very big deal to me that he followed my choice. I had a great weekend even though I came back with a couple evil former mother in law stories. I continued to struggle last week. I had some great windshield time by myself driving to and from graduation. Two hours each way plus two days on a campus that has deep meaning to me helped me put a few things in better perspective.

    The only way to change is to act. Act differently. Act purposely. Act directly. Thinking and mentally masturbating about all this stuff is unhelpful. In fact in some twisted way continue to think about old girlfriends and other things in the past keeps that past active and mutes the joys of the future.

    I drink to turn my brain off from its over thinking about my emotions.
    I watch porn, dating apps, read erotica and masturbate because it FEELS like a connection even though it is not.
    I've started to journal my experience which is the first of a number of "act differently" I've decided on. Rather than continue to chew on this stuff in my head I'm getting it down on paper as quickly and as honestly as I can. I've already made some interesting discoveries doing that. And when I write my plan out in long hand it feels much more permanent.

    I got the journal idea from someone on NOFAP. The full suggestion was to journal daily with a journal where you wrote the top 4 reasons why quitting would benefit and the top 4 reasons why continuing would cost.

    Quitting porn for good means:

    I'll perform physically when I have an opportunity to connect with a woman that really matters
    I'll be able to pursue a woman with confidence
    I'll focus on life rather than instant gratification.
    I will have more time to do mundane tasks that must be done and have adventures I want to do.

    Not quitting porn will mean:

    I can't perform now and that will continue to be true.
    I always have poor performance in the back of my mind.
    I'm constantly thinking about fapping and sex to the point of distraction.
    I waste time thinking and acting out.

    The woman I was talking to and had a great date with ghosted on me. So strange our world is. I do it, too. Two people hungry for connection, connect but then one "swipes right" looking for something better because there is too much choice ...

    Anyway, my hopes of having a female partner in crime as I worked through this are largely gone.

    I'd like to say I'm not going to think about what I don't have but I would be fooling myself. Those thoughts are there and are quite strong. I am not going to settle for a woman less than what I want though just to have flesh to interact with. In reality ... though I don't like the reality ... I am quitting without any knowledge when the next time I get a pleasurable release. And I'm doing it now because of me not for any "her" in my life.

    The written journal will help me keep that in mind. I'll write in it. Reread it. Highlight those things I want to keep "pinned" to the top.

    It is titled "BE YOU!"

    I am a physical person. I like being outdoors, pushing myself physically. My porn habit and all its brother and sister and cousin related bad habits puts me into a life where the physical doesn't happen. I am going to replace porn with athletic endeavor.

    I've thought about what "Rugger's paradise" looks like. I'm totally rearranging my schedule. I can work whenever as long as things get done. So starting this week I'm giving myself an hour in the morning for myself and then an hour in the gym AND then I'll work ... I'm going to put myself first instead of this merry go round action of trying to get fit but doing it as the last priority of the day ... of trying to quit by getting healthy but not giving myself any time to actually make that happen.
    Got things sorted out with my therapist. He was out of the office for the two weeks I was trying to reach him. Bad timing. Terrible timing given where my mind was last week. I start back on Wednesday. I read that the most difficult thing about sex addiction is the talking about the sex. Sessions focus on surface feelings but sexual addictions are deep rooted things. I admit that I've been comfortable in therapy talking about today rather than focusing on the real issue.

    I am certain that my ED is not all porn related. I had episodes of ED early in life when my porn habit wasn't digital or frequent. I know there are things to be discovered, confronted and healed. I don't know what they are. I am going to commit to digging that out as therapy changes.

    Finally, I am certain that my ED is in my mind PIED and otherwise. Last week on two different nights I woke up with a hard on so hard it hurt. When I am awake, with porn, with erotica, with just my hand or with a woman, getting even the least bit hard takes manual intervention and I don't get that hard. It pisses me off! I want to be able to get that hard when I'm with a woman. The last successful sex I had was almost 4 years ago when Alicia and I were still a positive thing. From Fall 2015 until early into 2016 I was in great spirits, back from Philmont and mentally well put together. Sex was great! Somewhere in that time period we had our last good sex, my depression with my life mess took hold, I returned to porn, started to drift and began not being able to have sex.

    I've had some cuddle dates and some tumbles in bed with women since ... sometimes I've even gotten off but it's never been successful penetration or any kind of connection that lasts ... I want that again.

    So here I am .... quitting.
     
    Bobo likes this.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Let some things creep back in over the last few days. Started telling myself it was ok -- dating apps -- but I know it wasn't. Ended in a slip. Last night I deleted all of my accounts as opposed to the deactivation that I usually do. It is so easy to bring a deactivated account back up, but a deleted account means starting all over and makes it more likely I won't be back.

    The lie I tell myself with the dating apps is that I must find a woman in order to rewire so the apps are ok as long as I .. <and then I'll list a bunch of things that seem to be protecting me from the P sub reality> but their use always ends up back to the same place.

    Online dating apps are not a healthy place for me to find a woman, particularly apps that are more hookup in nature (and after my experiences they are all either hook up or instant gratification -- lets get hitched next week! sites).

    I have to get closer to 90 days than 4 days before it makes any difference as to whether I have a woman to rewire with or not.

    Woman I went out with a couple of weeks ago had ghosted on me. Got some closure on that. She felt I was smothering her. I texted maybe 5 times after our date so in hindsight I don't get that. I do get that I came out on our first date a little too googly eyed and intense. Regardless after talking I think I'm projecting myself as needy. Learning lesson. That won't go anywhere as we agreed to move on. But just another sign I am not ready for a woman in my life making the dating app thing ridiculous.

    Therapy session today. Starting a different approach. Much of this time it has been work on how I feel that day ..... but we are going to do a deep dive and go looking for the core issues that form the root of my depression, porn, alcohol, etc. I am looking forward to the fact that today signifies a different starting point.

    Got my blood tests back yesterday. T is 950 so that has been ruled out as an issue.

    Here's to a good day!

    Rd
     
    Bobo likes this.
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Some observations:

    1. For me sleep is a thing. Dating apps gone. Went to bed last night at 930; woke up at 730. Morning wood somewhere along the way. No cravings today. Some of that I am certain is because I didn't wake up stressed or tired. Sometimes I think I fap to get energy (which is weird because sometimes I fap to relax so I can sleep -- but that's another observation!).
    2. Dating apps AND texting women is a trigger. Dating apps gone. I am down to one woman I am texting with ... and I now feel no stress. I realize that as the (fake or flake) contacts increase my sexual tension rises and I fap like a fool. The girl I'm texting with now has been flirty but it has not been sexual. I feel no urge. I realize that a woman that takes my mind into a sexual zone will quickly create a craving I can't overcome. Explains why dating apps are bad for me. Explains why I'm better off not texting with multiple women.
    3. Deleting beats deactivating. Reactivating a dating app is so easy! But rebuilding it, signing up, finding pics, etc. is a pain in the ass. The pain in the ass part is enough to prevent me from going back there. I am thrilled I deleted the accounts before I uninstalled this time.

    That's it. Just observations.

    RD
     
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    In bed last night again at 9:30. Woke up at seven. Morningwood. No cravings. No late night beer sessions. Actually 244 on the scale today…

    I think getting good sleep reduces the stress. Stress induces the cravings.

    Anyway, wanted to share because others might have a similar experience if they focus on sleep.

    Up until now I’ve been about five hours of sleep a night and then making it up on the weekends during the day. That means I’m always exhausted and stressed. And unfulfilled on the weekends. Just made the shift this week and it seems to make a difference.
     
    A New Man likes this.
  9. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Sleep is one of those things that affects everything, productivity, mood, outlook. Sugar is another one, and exercise. The connection between these and pmo isn't direct/obvious, but changing our daily habits can really begin to stack the odds in our favor.
     
    Bobo likes this.
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    It's been quite a weekend. I've aggressively attacked my sleep deficit, if nothing else! Actually, it has been more than just that though I did go to bed when I was tired and wake up when I woke up. The alarm got a break this weekend. I watched a great amount of Netflix. Worked out HARD everyday. (I weigh 243 now which means I've dropped 13 pounds since I started focusing on myself two weeks ago). Meditated multiple times every day.

    Thoughts:

    I do not have a porn problem. I have a loving Rugger Doug problem. I do not treat myself with the love I treat everyone else. Yes, I've also done a lot of reading this weekend. I've heard repeatedly over the last few years to "love myself" but I've always thought of it as a feeling and not an act. Porn, drinking, keeping a sloppy apartment / office / car, not having fun, over committing by saying yes too much to others, staying away from the gym, etc. are all self love problems. Porn is one of those things I do that shows a lack of self love, creates an air of self sabotage and, in the moment, numbs me from the negative feelings.

    I am not going to love myself with all of that crap. But all of that crap is actually a sign of my treating myself with disdain.

    Getting good sleep. Working out. Walking the dogs. Being well groomed. Meditating. Doing fun things. Those are all investments in me ... acts of self love. I've done more of that over the last 2 weeks than I've done in a long, long time.

    This seems like an "AHA!" moment.

    It is more a collection of facts that I've piled up over the last few weeks that all came together. I've been gravitating toward self loving acts even as I've been reading and changing my therapy approach.

    This is how I feel. I accept the fact that it is TERRIBLE negative self talk but it is what I feel inside of me. I also recognize that the facts say otherwise but facts and feelings don't necessarily fit well together. And as I have discovered negative unfounded feelings tend to win out over lightly regarded facts if the emotions are strong.

    I don't really want a relationship. I want a woman who I can do things with when I want to do them and who will let me put my bits into her when I want. I do not feel the capacity to love another at the moment. I have a great relationship with my boys and with my work team. It is all I can do to find the emotional strength to give all of them what they need. And I don't consider myself worthy of having my needs met by them, people who all in words and deeds actually care about me.
    I sit her thinking about the "next one" and I have no energy for her. And the reason is the way I feel about me. If I am in a relationship I put energy out in pleasing her even if that pleasing means acting outside of my boundaries. And then I am so certain that I'm not worthy I'm terrified she'll leave at any moment.

    I do not feel like I am enough in any relationship. Some asked why my ex and I divorced. The most honest answer I've ever given was "because we married". I was dating her because I didn't think I could do better. And because I thought that, I didn't. That 3 marvelous young men can come out of such a miserable, misguided union is a miracle to say the least. I knew the day we married I had punched down so to speak. 17 years of constant nagging and emotional witchcraft didn't cure those feelings.

    I've had 3 relationships in my life that at some point felt like I was being loved the way I want to be loved. For various reasons those relationships didn't last. The single thread contributor in those endings was I didn't take care of myself in various ways and in all 3 cases "she" walked. Only my last relationship, Alicia, did I feel any sense of outrage. She knew what I had before me when she walked. Committed to helping me work through it. And then in the toughest moment walked. I deserved ... deserve ... a partner who will stick with me through the better and worse that life throws at us. I was at my healthiest then though I wasn't healthy. I honestly thought she'd stick. Her walking multiplied the feelings I have love not being enough.

    It was poison that relationship felt so right and that she checked so many of my boxes.

    I don't check my own boxes today. So I compare her ... or the checklist she mostly met ... to myself ... and a pixelated girlfriend makes so much more sense (actually girlfriends ... they cost nothing and download so quickly when I call!).

    Except it doesn't. And it won't. And I'm digging in because I realize I have found the last fight. Or not the last fight, but the actual fight. My fight isn't about "just giving up" but is about not treating myself like I don't matter, about learning to love myself, about having the balls to dive deep into the emotional swamp in my past to find out where in the hell I learned that I don't deserve a good life and in the discovery undo the damage ... or at least learn how to change the thought patterns.

    I didn't have a perfect weekend. I reset. I drank too much beer. But I had the best weekend I could have had because I feel I have put together the pieces that have been gathering over the last few weeks ... from a mini-rock bottom at work, to way too much drinking, to so many 4 day failed streaks ... and then from the pain that all caused ... taking action:

    1. Blood check and everything is solid for a man in his late 30s / early 40s ... I'm 54.
    2 Lost 13 pounds because I've been focused on working out, keeping the beer can count down and the food wholesome and reasonable.
    3. Reorganized my team at work to distribute the stress. It was all on my back. Team can carry it better than I can.
    4. Calendared a backpacking trip with my son. Needs a plan, but it has a date.
    5. Restructured my schedule ... and for the most part lived it last week .. to have an hour of "me" time in the morning. Next week I'm expanding that to moving my workout to the morning -- do what is most important first -- and then committing to two long dog walks ...

    As I am sitting here typing this I feel a strong urge to grab my phone, lay down in bed and fap ..... because this is so uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to admit. It is uncomfortable to commit.

    (It gives me real anxiety to think an email may come in between 6 and 8 for work that I won't get to because I'll be at the gym. We don't have set work hours, just performance goals. I can come and go as I please. I can work from home, from Starbucks, from my office, from a beachside bar if I want to and as long as I hit my numbers no one cares. But I do. I put the energy into that and then let that energy twist up my life.)

    I committed to a 7 day challenge on NOFAP today. Really committed to it. Didn't just reset my counter and pay lip service to "starting over" but put my name not fapping for 7 days. That commitment kept me typing, off my phone and off my bits.

    I remember what it felt like in the mountains 4 years ago (yikes!) and what it felt to come back. I was fit, without PMO (morning wood at 10,000 feet is glorious!), happy ... I had authentically been me ... weeks after I came back I moved my oldest to college, played Rugby with my youngest (my last full game) and had the strength to pull the trigger on the divorce after 2 years of legal separation and related shenanigans with my business. It was the high water mark of my relationship with Alicia. I stretched for my oldest and covered his first year of college b/c life was such a shit show that was the only way he was going to get to go .... and he reminded the entire family including the nightmare former MIL and my ex at his graduation ...

    life did get worse from that point ... and then it got better again a year later ...

    But I've let down my guard. I had "embraced the suck" only because I deep down don't believe I deserve any better. Believe is a feeling. I know I deserve a lot. I deserve more than I am giving myself. Know is a fact. I have to act like the person I want to be ... that is in and of itself an act of self love ... and through the acts change my feelings.

    Here I go.
     
    Bobo likes this.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Interesting thoughts:

    Do not be impatient with your seemingly slow progress. Do not try to run faster than you presently can. If you are studying, reflecting and trying, you are making progress whether you are aware of it or not. A traveler walking the road in the darkness of night is still going forward. Someday, some way, everything will break open, like the natural unfolding of a rosebud.”

    https://experiencelife.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/70-the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem.pdf
     
    Bobo likes this.
  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am going to end up pounding this journal the next few days. I'm back to my written journal too. This ... meaning my digging out how to love myself and digging deep to find out when and how I learned not too .. is more important than anything in my life right now.

    Feeling urges.

    Fighting urges.
     
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Day one of the seven day no fap challenge.

    Woke up with anxiety about the day today. Pack schedule with lots of things I have to do. Not the kind of day I need. But that kind of day I can always avoid.

    Committing to the seven day challenge really helped. Woke up anxious. Temptation was there to rub one out to make the anxiety less. Having me that commitment Kept me from acting out.

    I have an hour to myself before I put my work hat on.
     
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Close call this morning before I left the house. Just mindlessly starting tugging. Thinking about the stress of the day. Stopped without it going further than a few minutes. Not enough to reset the steak but damn close.

    Observation. I’ve created a habit that kicks in on auto. Must stay mindful and catch it before autopilot kicks in.

    At work now. Getting things done. Feeling a huge urge to hit a dating app. That they are deleted is positive because I can’t spend the time to get set up. If it was just a reactivation I’m not so sure I wouldn’t be back on.

    Dating apps are worse for me than porn.

    1. Many of the girls are not real.
    2. Many are focused on just hiking up. Nice fantasy but just hooking up is a terrible choice for me. I can’t perform so it will start a shame game.
    3. I regularly get hit by cam girls and prostitutes. Or unsolicited pics. Triggers every where.
    4. If I find a woman who is real, who I have chemistry with I’m liable to make dumb decisions like try to each too far geographically.
    5. Many online women want financial help or instant relationships. Bad vibes for me!
    6. I come and go from the apps. Some women are on the sires I frequent from 4 years ago with the same profiles, same messages,. They are always going to want to swipe right for the next guy. That’s poison to always think the next one is going to be better.
    7. Talking and texting trigger me. So even if the woman is legit, she’s a viable candidate,,and we plan to go out I’m liable to binge myself into total dead dick before we go out. Until that behavior stops I can not do dating apps.
     
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Close call this morning before I left the house. Just mindlessly starting tugging. Thinking about the stress of the day. Stopped without it going further than a few minutes. Not enough to reset the steak but damn close.

    Observation. I’ve created a habit that kicks in on auto. Must stay mindful and catch it before autopilot kicks in.

    At work now. Getting things done. Feeling a huge urge to hit a dating app. That they are deleted is positive because I can’t spend the time to get set up. If it was just a reactivation I’m not so sure I wouldn’t be back on.

    Dating apps are worse for me than porn.

    1. Many of the girls are not real.
    2. Many are focused on just hiking up. Nice fantasy but just hooking up is a terrible choice for me. I can’t perform so it will start a shame game.
    3. I regularly get hit by cam girls and prostitutes. Or unsolicited pics. Triggers every where.
    4. If I find a woman who is real, who I have chemistry with I’m liable to make dumb decisions like try to each too far geographically.
    5. Many online women want financial help or instant relationships. Bad vibes for me!
    6. I come and go from the apps. Some women are on the sires I frequent from 4 years ago with the same profiles, same messages,. They are always going to want to swipe right for the next guy. That’s poison to always think the next one is going to be better.
    7. Talking and texting trigger me. So even if the woman is legit, she’s a viable candidate,,and we plan to go out I’m liable to binge myself into total dead dick before we go out. Until that behavior stops I can not do dating apps.
     
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    It is an hour or so from quitting time.

    In the past I would go home, nap, and likely fap. The lizard brain is reminding me of that choice. My junk is at once alive with a vibrant sensation as it is as dead as an over boiled hot dog.

    If I manage the urge it will pass. If I feed it I’ll reset it in my seven day streak short of my goal. I will feel terrible. If I manage my urge I will be one step closer to a full flat line. I’ve done this enough to know that once I get there not acting out will be easy for a while. Well, as long as I continue to remind my Myself that testing doesn’t prove anything.

    So to manage my urge I’m going to go home cook a good dinner for my son and I. Relax with Purvis for a while. Blakely meditate for 10 minutes or so. Head to the gym and lift the stress of the day off.

    These are the moments I have to learn to manage. Sometimes perhaps a week ago or two weeks or whatever I thought about going home and fabric and continually fed that urge until it was a sure thing. That’s not loving myself. This is difficult but I can do it.
     
  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Day 2 of my 7 day commitment.

    Making a short commitment has been more powerful then softly committing to a long streak that I know I can reset it will. And the soft commitment generally means I know I’m going to reset. The short 7 day commitment I know I’m going to make.

    Woke up with a bit of Morningwood this morning. Tempted to test it. Not quite in flatline. With the commitment type of mind I was able to let the urge to go and get about my day.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I did not come home today with the mentality that I was going to love myself. I fell into old patterns. I’ve been struggling with urges for the last two hours. I came very close to blowing my seven day streak on day two. The longest cold shower I’ve ever been able to take… Untimed unfortunately!… Broke the spell. First time I’ve used a cold shower to stop an urge. It works.

    Hitting the gym in 30 minutes and then I have a checklist of things that I’m going to do until it’s bedtime. Streak intact. A lesson learned.
     
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    54 year old PR on the front squat baby!
     
    A New Man likes this.
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    So, I'm a legit 12 days in with no P and no O; I've touched too much. I'm not going to reset the counter because the porn and orgasm streak is the longest in a long time.

    I am going to take on a 14 day challenge over at NO FAP in hard mode. That's the best way I can think of having a small victory but recognizing it isn't enough.

    I had just started a 10 day challenge and then one of my dogs had a stroke. That stress through me for a loop. Fortunately, I've at least been able to keep the eyeballs off of porn and the dating apps off the phone, though both have been temptations. I've fondled myself, too much but that's the only "violation".

    Jumping over to NOFAP right after I post this and starting the 14 day challenge in hard mode.

    More to say later tonight. Slowly winning the fight. Getting the "love yourself" thing and the new therapy routine kicked off .... I see the benefit ... more work to do .... excited to be doing it.

    RD
     

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