Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Bobo I appreciate that. Lots more chatter over on no fap these days but the connections here are real.

    What started as an odd relationship with girls when I was younger was totally tainted by Porn, cyber Porn, masturbation, casual sex, dark fantasy. I have always had that nice guy mentality. When it comes to women I am incredibly needy. I usually mask it but once it comes out I either disconnect or turn to mush.

    I did both at the same time with Alicia. I can do it on a first date. Porn makes me feel connected. Apps make feel connected. Any real connection feels fleeting and I panic.

    Just rambling.

    12+ hours into hard mode and I’m handling.

    119 1/2 days to go!

    Plan is to reevaluate every 30 days as I get to 120. Experience says this weekend will be difficult. As I near 30 days it will get difficult.

    RD
     
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Bobo I appreciate that. Lots more chatter over on no fap these days but the connections here are real.

    What started as an odd relationship with girls when I was younger was totally tainted by Porn, cyber Porn, masturbation, casual sex, dark fantasy. I have always had that nice guy mentality. When it comes to women I am incredibly needy. I usually mask it but once it comes out I either disconnect or turn to mush.

    I did both at the same time with Alicia. I can do it on a first date. Porn makes me feel connected. Apps make feel connected. Any real connection feels fleeting and I panic.

    Just rambling.

    12+ hours into hard mode and I’m handling.

    119 1/2 days to go!

    Plan is to reevaluate every 30 days as I get to 120. Experience says this weekend will be difficult. As I near 30 days it will get difficult.

    RD
     
  3. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Go for it! And keep tabs on yourself in this journal! Ask us for help when you need courage!!
     
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    All right I’m almost 36 hours in. I’m far enough away from the dating apps that I don’t feel the pI’ll to go back. I’m not into flightline yet so by thoughts of pushing are fairly frequent.

    I think I’m likely fine for the week. It’s this weekend coming up that concerns me.
     
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    In a meeting. Keep grabbing my phone to check for messages even though I have no dating apps. Ugh!
     
  6. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    :rolleyes:. We humans are interesting creatures aren't we!?
    Keep going RD!
     
  7. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    You can do it RD ! You already there !
     
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    5 hours short of 48 hours. Going to make it to day 2. From experience days 3, 4, 5, 6 are easy. Day 7 is a bitch. Weekend will be difficult. Sunday though I’ll be managing my last wrestling tournament so I’ll be mostly busy.

    I want to work on other things. But I know this is the focus. First things first
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, being clean is priority one. I agree. Working on improving our lives will take concerted effort too, but it has to work in concert with getting off the habit. Can't have one without the other, but here is where we make our stand and slay the beast.
    Keep going! Love your resolve.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Bad night last night. Enough I’m resetting. Went for coffee at end of day. Catching up on emails. Approached by a young college woman. Just small talk while we both worked on our computers. Turns out she goes to my church. We talked work, school, kids, siblings, church. Packed up and left. Got home and couldn’t keep my hands off of myself.

    My needy streak is broad and deep. Huge.

    At least I know it’s there. Who I project myself to be and who I am. I do not like the difference.

    Reset.

    Therapist today.
     
  11. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I'm going to throw something out there. It's a bit controversial and it may not help you. I hope that it does though.

    Something that's been going on with me is that, as my streak has lengthened I'm viewing women differently. When I was at my worst with PMO, I often would too often look at women first sexually. I don't do that now. I think that I did (I'm feeling a bit like Liam Neeson here...) because of the corrosive influence of PMO, especially the P, on how I viewed relationships and sex in particular. For me it was more a competitive sport rather than as a means to connect with someone I felt close to (my wife, hopefully....). What hasn't changed, and, I'm not so sure it will, is that I still find many many women sexually attractive. I still want to be sexual much more than I am and I am still open to doing so with women other than my wife (not that I've pursued this, but...). Here's my thing: I think this is completely natural.

    Men (and women, too) have wanted to sleep around since before there was HSIP. Way before then. Humans are an extremely sexual species. I read somewhere that there the ratio of sexual intercourse to pregnancies is on the order of 1000 to 1. And there are over 7 billion people on the planet. Put simply, humans like to fuck. And with lots of different people, too. Otherwise, why would religions have such terrible punishments for adultery. You don't need that if it's not something a lot of people want to do as much as they can. And, even with those proscriptions, people still do it.

    I say all this because I sense you're ashamed or uncomfortable with your sexual desire. And, if I'm right about this, then my mild suggestion is to try to re-think this a little. I know some people do hard re-sets to try to get over PIED. The goal, though, is, usually, still to get back to having sex with people. I know you're not saying you don't want to have sex with people, but maybe reminding yourself that it's OK to want to, even to want fervently will help you to reach that goal.

    In any case, I'm rooting for you @ruggerdoug .
     
  12. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I agree Doofus. Sex and sexual desire are perfectly normal. (speaking to myself as well) we just need to channel it correctly
     
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Doofus I appreciate the thoughts. I actually think you’re dead on. Therapy last week was interesting.

    Much of what I started therapy to address has been addressed.

    I’ve come to realize that I have not just a porn problem but a sex problem. And there’s a number of things that go into that so it’s almost like a Gordian knot. Complicated and intertwined.

    I do have a shame love relationship with sex. I love sex. Or at least like it a whole lot. The first time I had sex I couldn’t get it up. And then the girl Lord of that over me for a while. Performance is always in the back of my head.

    I grew up hearing how dirty sex was. When girls would be interested in me mom would always suggest that they were going to sleep with me and try to get pregnant to catch me.

    Much of my life I’ve been awkward around women. I don’t have friends that are women. Or at least those friendships that I do have don’t last very long. I recognize that I see women as sexual almost exclusively. I’ve been working on that and actually have a couple friendships that are developing at work that I know will last a long time.

    I see women as a bit of a conquest. Put all my effort into getting it and then once I get it not being too concerned about maintaining it. That could be a friendship or relationship or sex itself.

    I have the PIED of course. But I also think I have some other issues going on. The plumbing works. I woke up this morning about 3 AM with a raging wood. But performance anxiety and stress and anxiety of other sorts I think certainly contribute.

    I’m in the contemplative stage.

    I know I have work to do I just don’t know what work to do? Does that make sense? I know getting clean is the first step. So I’m working to contemplate what happens after I get a 30 day run. I slipped over the weekend.

    One thing I believe that is true is deep down I have trouble stopping because not being able to function sexually then affectively blocks the potential for a relationship or the potential to sleep around. It’s self-defeating behavior and it’s coming from deep deep down. But there’s other things I don’t know. Or things I feel that I really don’t recognize yet.

    Thanks for the comments. I’m in new territory. And for that I’m thrilled because it feels like I’ve dug one level deeper into this mess.
     
    Caoimhín likes this.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Doofus I appreciate the thoughts. I actually think you’re dead on. Therapy last week was interesting.

    Much of what I started therapy to address has been addressed.

    I’ve come to realize that I have not just a porn problem but a sex problem. And there’s a number of things that go into that so it’s almost like a Gordian knot. Complicated and intertwined.

    I do have a shame love relationship with sex. I love sex. Or at least like it a whole lot. The first time I had sex I couldn’t get it up. And then the girl Lord of that over me for a while. Performance is always in the back of my head.

    I grew up hearing how dirty sex was. When girls would be interested in me mom would always suggest that they were going to sleep with me and try to get pregnant to catch me.

    Much of my life I’ve been awkward around women. I don’t have friends that are women. Or at least those friendships that I do have don’t last very long. I recognize that I see women as sexual almost exclusively. I’ve been working on that and actually have a couple friendships that are developing at work that I know will last a long time.

    I see women as a bit of a conquest. Put all my effort into getting it and then once I get it not being too concerned about maintaining it. That could be a friendship or relationship or sex itself.

    I have the PIED of course. But I also think I have some other issues going on. The plumbing works. I woke up this morning about 3 AM with a raging wood. But performance anxiety and stress and anxiety of other sorts I think certainly contribute.

    I’m in the contemplative stage.

    I know I have work to do I just don’t know what work to do? Does that make sense? I know getting clean is the first step. So I’m working to contemplate what happens after I get a 30 day run. I slipped over the weekend.

    One thing I believe that is true is deep down I have trouble stopping because not being able to function sexually then affectively blocks the potential for a relationship or the potential to sleep around. It’s self-defeating behavior and it’s coming from deep deep down. But there’s other things I don’t know. Or things I feel that I really don’t recognize yet.

    Thanks for the comments. I’m in new territory. And for that I’m thrilled because it feels like I’ve dug one level deeper into this mess.
     

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