Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I do feel like I'm getting there but damn is it difficult. The last few miles are the toughest I think.
     
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Weekend was a mixed bag. Slept. I am now in a 60 day on one day off routine that I need to solve.

    Had dinner with the fraternity brother I had not seen in 30 years Thursday night. He and his wife are doing incredibly well. Thrilled that the reconnection. But the meeting also triggered my weekend. I compared myself to them and found myself lacking.

    So I slipped. But the slippage wasn’t an entire weekend binge. It was just a slip. And the comparison was enough to also get me to do something about my apartment. I spent Friday evening and Saturday idea shopping at a bunch of different furniture stores.

    I now have a plan that by Christmas i’ll feel comfortable having people over at my apartment.

    The slip feels bad. The plan feels good. The intensity of my addiction continues to wane but it is still with me.

    It is not about getting off anymore. It is all about filling a hole that comes from not having anyone in my life. Intellectually I know that the person I really want in my life wouldn’t be very attracted to me right now. There’s a gap between who I am today and who I am becoming.

    I’ve learned it’s not entirely true that opposites attract. You attract who you are. I had poor emotional skills, with spiritually immature, lack self-confidence and self respect and therefore was needy. I was 32 and thought I would never be in a relationship. So I settled on the wrong woman to make my wife and mother of my kids. Terrible choices wife fortunately turned out it’s a great choice is a mom.

    She can say the same thing. And that means if I went out and found somebody to partner up with because I still have some of those floors I would attract a similarly floored woman.

    I know this. Intellectually accept. But emotionally I struggle with it. My emotional maturity will be determined when I no longer have the struggle I suppose.

    This is the first holiday season I’ve stepped into looking forward to the holidays. I’m gonna cook a kick ass Meal for the boys. I’ve already started buying Christmas gifts. I’ll have a tree this year which is new for me in the apartment. Yes, I would like to have somebody to share it with. And I do. My boys. Someone to share it with me romantically will just have to wait. And I’m going to have to continue learning to be OK with that And learn to not act out when I’m not OK with it.


    RD
     
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  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey there RD. Sounds like some better directions are being taken in your life. Good that you have a good relationship with your sons.
    I know to some, decorating for Christmas is nothing special but it sounds like some positive steps in your life
     
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Boxer17, Christmas the last two years have just been sad affairs to me. It is a huge deal that I'm already in that Holiday spirit.

    I am quite grateful for where I am right now even if it isn't where I want to be. I did a terrible job of navigating the Thanksgiving weekend. My boys were with me Saturday; that was the only good day. From Wednesday through Sunday and even into today I was depressed and stressed. I did not follow my routines. And I totally let my guard down. I struggle on the weekends and it was a 5-day weekend for me.

    I just reset. It hasn't been all binge, but I was in addict mode not who I want to be mode. I did PMO some. It's just been in the last 90 minutes that I feel like I got a handle on it. I had a few slips over the weekend so it wasn't a total binge-fest but it was a far cry from monk mode. Two years ago I would have given my weight in gold to get through the weekend like I did this passed weekend. I feel when I am me and I feel when I am "that". Meditation has helped me tell the difference.

    Truth is that the stress, depression and pain (yes, Old Ruggers hurt when it gets cold!) was enough to get me into a I don't give a fuck mode. In the moment repeatedly over the weekend I chose what I wanted now -- relief -- from I want in the future. It wasn't a totally conscious decision but it was a decision that I made.

    Back at it. And so it goes.

    RD
     
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  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Got through a very busy week without any issues. I facilitated a 3 day conference, worked from 7 am to 11 pm almost every night. My first meal at my dinner table since Monday breakfast was last night. All top tier restaurants in town or catered. Just a crazy good week.

    Woke up depressed (obviously a let down after the week I had).

    With the depression has come some tugging and fapping. On and off. Flatline so it is pretty unproductive. The call is to push the pleasure button to chase the depression away. The reality is that about 2 minutes after I "O", I will feel depressed and ashamed and have just as must struggle to not repeat.

    I got on here to type this to myself, draw the line and get my shit under control. Not doing it any more.

    My 4 days is solid and I am going to keep that intact.

    Going to put together a list of things to do and start doing.

    RD
     
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  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    My therapist has told me several times that many times addicts need to relapse to find it in them to finish their work. I have many times felt over the last year or so that I was "almost" cured but I could cheat a little here or a little there on the abstinence from porn, dating apps, erotica and masturbation. I felt he was wrong because I was "almost" ok.

    I'm not ok.

    I set some strict objectives for myself at the end of the year. I took two weeks of vacation and worked on relaxing. In doing that relaxing I thought long and hard about my life. I've cleaned so much up but what felt like a little was left. So I set goals to go strict monk style and finish this once and for all ... well, I wasn't a well behaved monk ... and didn't stay strict. I set as my "reward" a healthy dive into the dating apps. So this still occaisionally (and think more occaissionally than I admitted to myself) addict didn't hold himself accountable to the consequence of not really being monk mode and took the reward.

    I dove into the dating apps. I started off healthy on them. But pretty immediately I was getting naked photos, offers to cyber, offers to hook up, etc. I welcomed the photos and videos but didn't cyber. Didn't matter because at that point the addiction was out of the cage fully.

    Chatted with a few women. Clean chat. Clicked with one. My kind of woman ... younger, athletic, creative, funny, intelligent ... we met for drinks and had a fantastic time .... she shared with me she had recently been saved and started going to church .... she invited me back to her place but I turned her down and explained that I wanted to hold off so we could have a real relationship and not get sexual so quickly. We both left. She texted and said "come spend the night and no sex; I respect where you are coming from" She didn't know where I was coming from was for all my moral high ground I was pretty certain after a couple of drinks and decades of porn that things weren't going to work. But given the promise, I went, even though I knew if I had the chance I'd try because it's been such a long time.

    Anyway. Great kissing. Great chemisty. Finally we were totally naked and tried and pfft.

    I'm an assertive take charge guy. I can't take charge when my tools don't work.

    We talked about it that night. I confessed to the porn and the issues and we slept intertwined. She was sweet when I left the next morning. She texted twice that morning and then ghosted.

    I then went nuts on the dating apps, jumped back into the porn, and did all kinds of stupid things. I couldn't put my phone down at work. I "worked" about 80 hours last week but was probably only productive about 20.

    I'm done with the raging binge. I feel rock bottom.

    My therapist was right. My perspective is totally different now.

    1. First, as an assertive guy who likes to take charge I need to get my tools in order OR deal with the reality that they may never been in order. I feel totally broken. I know the formula for attempting the fix. I have to follow that. And I have to deal with the reality that perhaps I'll never be totally fixed. Need to put myself in a position to try and then deal with the loss if that doesn't work. At 54, my last successful sex was 2 years ago.
    2. Second, I truly do not feel like I deserve a good woman. The woman I didn't have sex with hit many of my non-negotiables but I overlooked the fact that she had 2 kids, a turbulent relationship with her ex, some financial turmoil because of that, etc.... I've said before that I know that you attract who you are .... I'm still broken emotionally from a relationship standpoint and I'm finding broken women. I was that way when I met my wife and choose the wrong mate. That has never been fixed. This isn't a divorce or Alicia fall out issue but something foundational that I've never really dealt with. I have an executive level job and I feel less than worthy of being with women who are similar in their successes in life and am ok with taking on women I enjoy being with but deep down am embarrassed to introduce to anyone I know.
    3. Third, it isn't just porn addiction. I'm addicted to sex. And I'm so hungry for love I'll do just about anything for to feel even something that isn't real. That's how I got married to the woman I married. One of the women I was chatting with last week asked me why I got divorced. I answered "I got married". I picked wrong. I picked wrong because of my emotional weakness. And I will pick wrong if I don't fix it.
    I'm single, I've now got some disposable income. I'm active. I really do wish my junk worked and I could just play around. But given that soup of emotional mess I've got I can't. Junk doesn't work, I'll bring crazy into my life and further erode my confidence with women.

    So I've reset. Apps are gone. Phone is clean. I am peeling some things off my calendar this week because I know I have a week of withdrawal ahead of me.

    I've been here with the reset before. I don't know what to do different. I do have a therapy appointment in 2 weeks. I know what I need to do from a porn addiction / PIED perspective. Monk mode this time for sure. I'm scared for my future. But I do not know how to work on the other two problems.

    RD
     
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Wow, Rugger, when you go on a bender you're like James Bond! I'm more like James Bland.... sorry, just trying to make you smile, big guy.
    Personally, I'm terrified every time I think about the next time I'm intimate with a woman. I know if I were to go for it now, I'd pfft out in a big way.
    So, monk mode it is. I'm with you on that!
    As for #2, you obviously deserve a good woman! You've got so much to offer, man. Everyone is "broken" in some way. When you find the right one, she'll help you work on the things you need to work on. And you can help her too. Patience, my friend. At least you're putting yourself out there. Get off the porn and good things will happen.
    Then, on #3, getting off your porn addiction should help you with getting off the sex addiction. During monk mode, you'll give your neurons a break from the dopamine rushes that keep you hooked on whatever ails you.
    Easy for me to write; not so easy to do, as my last almost 5 years here have proven.

    Enjoy your week!
    Moz
     
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Moz, yeah, geez, what a week.

    I joined her at the bar and I kept thinking "holy, shit, she's hot, I hope she doesn't want to have sex" ...

    The worst of it was after that. All of the ghosting reminded me of Alicia ghosting on me when we broke up. That memory just turbocharged the whole mess.

    Some of this is mental. Didn't share everything. But I can actually get a decent erection without content by myself, best erections are with content, worse erections are with a woman. Looking at that fact I believe my ED is not just PIED but some mind fuck stuff, too.

    I think I'm coming up on 5 years, too. Fuck. Looking back through I'm so much better than I was then. Trend line IS up. And I really do feel like I'm at the last problem. I got married to the wrong woman b/c of this problem. Scared I'll never really have sex again. Scared even more that I'll settle for someone less than I deserve.

    Sucks you are still here! But glad you are.

    RD
     
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I’ve caught myself several times going to the phone to open dating apps that are on it anymore.

    I’m not really thinking about them. It’s just a routine habit.

    I realize how much of this is a choice.

    And my choice is very clear.

    One choice. Instant gratification. Some pleasure with a semi hard erection. A weak orgasm. Emptiness.

    Another choice. Delayed gratification. Abstinence. Working on my emotional weakness. Working on my character. Working on my Datability. Trust the process. Trust that when I get healthy I’ll cross paths with a woman that fits me. And then will develop a relationship. In that relationship I’ll have successful sex again.

    As I write that I am not tempted to fap.

    But I realize how difficult that choice really is. In the heat of the moment that quick instant gratification becomes an easy choice. I’ll feel good now though not as good as I might feel in the future versus I’m gonna put pleasure up on the shelf and have no idea when I might feel it again.

    I choose number two today.
     
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    The draw to look at the dating apps is strong.

    Looking at them, communicating with the person at the end feels like a relationship in the moment. But we truly don’t know one another and there isn’t a real connection. In the moment the connection has a sense of reality but it is false.
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You know this and I know this, but your lizard brain just wants the hit. Don't give in. The outcome is as predictable as ever!
     
  12. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    All I can say is wow! I read your posts with a breaking heart my friend.
    Life can really get convoluted.

    I think that is the way to go. Try going old school. If you can find the right woman that you truly connect and your nature harmonizes with focus on that aspect of a relationship. Almost the old fashioned courting.
    Enjoy just being with that someone. Then later any sexuality will be just a further natural expression of your love for that person.
    All the best my friend
    Boxer
     
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I’m glad it happened.

    Certainly a part of me wishes that we’d not tried to have sex and that the night had only gone as far as I wanted it to. I believe she and I would have gone out a few more times. She was fun and I was crushing on her from the start. But while there would have been some pleasure to enjoy, it would have been incomplete and fleeting. And it would have ended in a similar fashion.

    If it had run long I was going to be engulfed in crazy. I feel like I dodged a bullet. I do not want that kind of relationship in my life.

    I now know where I am.

    I’m committed to 90 days.

    And I know that I have a different kind of emotional work to work on. I just don’t know how to do it.
     
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    This is going to be far more difficult than I thought. On the one hand I know the whole process because I’ve done it before. Slipped last night.

    I’m ready for some aspects of a relationship. Dates. Cuddling. Sex. Intimacy.

    I’m not ready for some aspects of a relationship. Routine. Compromise. Time constraints.

    But where I am today I am missing more of the characteristics of a relationship that I am willing to avoid them.

    The irony is the mess I’m in right now is because this half wanna relationship, half not man decided to go whole hog on the dating sites. Off of them I feel even lonelier. On them I’m An alcoholic in a liquor warehouse. I’ve gotten right up to the point of meeting somebody and then walking away from it and back to the church.

    Anyway last night I brought a good amount of stress home from work. I was lonely. I could not sleep. For stress release and a short term insomnia cure I slipped.

    The most frustrating part of a slipper a relapse is when everything sets you’re at 90 days. I realized it any day that go on between now in 90 days likely has very little chance of successful sex. I realized it for me to be cured as heavy as my Porn uses been in the past and h The most frustrating part of a slip or a relapse is when everything sets you’re at 90 days. I realize that any data go on between now and 90 days likely has very little chance of successful sex. I realize that for me to be cured as heavy as my poor news has been in the past and as consistent as I’ve been lately with just enough to keep the addiction monster alive I’m really likely looking at longer than that before I have really successful sex

    Anyway, now I’m rambling. They won.
     
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    This is going to be far more difficult than I thought. On the one hand I know the whole process because I’ve done it before. Slipped last night.

    I’m ready for some aspects of a relationship. Dates. Cuddling. Sex. Intimacy.

    I’m not ready for some aspects of a relationship. Routine. Compromise. Time constraints.

    But where I am today I am missing more of the characteristics of a relationship that I am willing to avoid them.

    The irony is the mess I’m in right now is because this half wanna relationship, half not man decided to go whole hog on the dating sites. Off of them I feel even lonelier. On them I’m An alcoholic in a liquor warehouse. I’ve gotten right up to the point of meeting somebody and then walking away from it and back to the church.

    Anyway last night I brought a good amount of stress home from work. I was lonely. I could not sleep. For stress release and a short term insomnia cure I slipped.

    The most frustrating part of a slipper a relapse is when everything sets you’re at 90 days. I realized it any day that go on between now in 90 days likely has very little chance of successful sex. I realized it for me to be cured as heavy as my Porn uses been in the past and h The most frustrating part of a slip or a relapse is when everything sets you’re at 90 days. I realize that any data go on between now and 90 days likely has very little chance of successful sex. I realize that for me to be cured as heavy as my poor news has been in the past and as consistent as I’ve been lately with just enough to keep the addiction monster alive I’m really likely looking at longer than that before I have really successful sex

    Anyway, now I’m rambling. They won.
     
  16. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I think it is time you made a decision. What do you want? If you want a longterm, healthy, sexual relationship, there will need to be a short term sacrifice. Stay away from dating apps and on-line dating because they seem to be your slippery slope. Your mind seems all over the place and you need to identify what you are really working towards. I'm sorry that you are going through this and wish you great strength, not only of will but of vision.
     
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  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Frankly I was pissed off for about two hours after I read that. Because you are right.

    Sometimes I want to relationship. Sometimes I just want my junk to work so I can sleep around. Sometimes I just want to get off.

    I don’t feel strong enough about the first two to be motivated to give up the last one. Not giving up your mouth and means the first two aren’t even options.

    And I know deep down the sleeping around part is really an embodiment of hypersexuality and not a whole lot different than my desire to p.m. all the and I know deep down the sleeping around part is really an embodiment of hypersexuality and not a whole lot of difference then my desire to PMO all the time.

    Except for last week I was able to keep it all in check. But I really don’t want to make a decision.

    I feel like saying I don’t know how. I should only know how to make decisions I just don’t feel strong enough about anyone of my choices to really give a fuck. So I continue as things are and whine about what could be.

    But you’re right.
     
  18. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Sorry, I did not mean to be offensive but it just seemed like you have to figure some things out. And, the first step, even if you have no answers right now, is to hone in on the problem. ID it and learn about it. That is actually what our journeys in eliminating PMO are, even if we relapse, we learn a bit more about the nature of the beast. None of this is easy man, none of the questions, the answers. It's all life.
     
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  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Caoimhín you weren't offensive. I got pissed off because you were correct.

    I am spending the next 120 days on working on my sexual health.

    It isn't just PIED / porn addiction but a number of things.

    Anyway, here I go.
     
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  20. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Whatever it is if we can help we are here for you RD.
     
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