Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I didn't think it would come to this!

    I have to leave for work in a few minutes so I'll be brief.

    I'll write a proper starting journal entry later tonight.

    I am a porn addict. That has contributed to the destruction of my marriage, the poor performance of my business and the near total disconnectedness and isolation of my self from family and friends. I embraced dealing with the addiction nearly 6 weeks ago. Confessed it to my wife 3 weeks ago. I've read a tremendous amount of literature on the topic and committed to myself, "in secret", to the addition and to abstinence.

    In a couple of panics related to flatlining I relapsed.

    Between last night and this morning I have prayed and thought myself to a starker reality. I can not go it alone. Someone has to "know". And I need to keep strict score.

    So today ... right now ... I start a no FAP, no PMO existence. I commit to a daily entry here which will force a daily check of my counter.

    I'll tell my story tonight when I check in.
  2. midge

    midge Guest

    welcome to the forum, rd. You've found a lot of guys in similar circumstances. Getting involved here last summer was one of the best things I ever did for myself (and for my family). Some very simple advice for you, for now: read and post here at the forum as often as you can. Also, I'm assuming you've found yourbrainonporn.com. If not, check that out--lots of helpful information there.

    Being able to talk about this problem openly within a supportive, albeit anonymous, community made all the difference for me. Stick around, and you can find the results you're looking for. Glad you're with us.
  3. Welcome ruggerdoug

    You have done the right thing joining this forum, some great advice and encouragement from people who understand what you are going through is a great help.

    The best of luck to you going forward to a brighter, healthier future.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    So home from work. Time to write a story.

    I have had an eye toward porn since my mother and aunt purchased a Playboy (to read the Jimmy Carter interview) for my minister uncle. Mom also purchased a Penthouse magazine. I was in 4th or 5th grade. And once I saw the purchase I HAD to see what was inside.

    I found both mags at home and had regular “dates” with the pictures there. My teen years involved a number of encounters with magazine porn.

    I didn’t have intercourse until I was 17 (she was my first kiss, too). I had relatively normal, regular long and short term college relationships as well. By college I had a regular magazine purchasing habit where I would buy, FAP until I was sick of myself and then I’d toss them away with deep shame. I read a lot of erotica, too. The one serious relationship I had during that time was normal sexually from a functional standpoint but I started bringing some darker play into the bedroom.

    And so it went as I got older. More magazines. More FAP. Relationships but more insistence we get the clothes on the floor faster. And once there darker desires. It as movement, slow movement, but movement toward objecityfing women and playing darker games to them.

    Then I found the internet and CompuServe. Look at all of this! And it is free!

    The movement toward objecitificaiton and darker play quickened and instensiified. Big adult problems developed and the desire to get off grew with my desire to remove the stress from my life if only for a moment.

    That was over 20 years ago. The trend continued. I was dating, living with a woman. I was looking on pictures online. She knew and didn’t like it. I lied and told her I stopped. We got married when she got pregnant (yes, everything still worked then)!

    And the cycle began. We got married under the gun so to speak. New wife, new baby, new stresses. Porn. Caught. Shame. Lies.

    I have seen clergy, counselors, signed up for internet integrity services and so on. I always did it to end the strife at home not because I was ever committed to making to stopping porn. As I made commitments to get help I was planning how I would get out of them and continue with the porn.

    I finally hit rock bottom. Sleeping on the couch. Drinking gallons of beer, eating poorly, stopped working out. At 280 the biggest I'd ever been. Business struggling to the point of near failure. Had an eye infection. Went the doc for meds. And the doc points out that I've got 2 weeks to get my blood pressure down or she's putting me in the hospital.

    I thought it was work stress. Took a weekend to myself. No computer. Went to a hotel room and prayed and thought. Conclusion was that most of my waking time was spent in some way working on, in or toward my next porn fix.

    Found yourbrainonporn.com and started reading. Once I learned that this wasn't about me being weak but about me doing something that altered my brain I could accept that I had to get away from it. Huge tipping point for me.

    Business is stable.
    Blood pressure is normal and steady.
    I'm about to hit 250 as I committed a strict paleo diet and a return to my crossfit regimen. I'm actually at 49 starting Rugby practices next week.

    Marriage in a shambles. We are separating and likely divorcing. She knows about my problem. I've in our cycle over the years refused to acknowledge it but in the aftermath of all this I've confessed. She's told me "good luck but I'm out." Who knows where that goes. To save the marriage or to save myself for my next love requires me to save me. It is just something I'm going to at the moment struggle with on my own.

    I’m certain I’m going to beat this though I know I have 6 to 9 months of effort to not just rewire my brain but to relearn who I am and start being that person.

    I committed and started this reboot process about 6 weeks ago. My recent panics about flatlining brought me to relapse a couple of times because I had to check to make sure things still work!

    I also convinced my self that looking at profiles on OKC or pics of crossfit girls wasn’t porn. It is.

    I’ve come to accept that I am in a flatline and that that flatline will be with me until I get closer to the end of this. But I need some help as these little freakout moments happen.

    Knowing what was going on helped me to start. And I thought that knowledge was going to be enough to get me through. I realize that I do need to keep score and have some group support.

    So hi, I'm Rugger Doug ... I hook and prop for those that know the game ...

    I commit to a measured 90 days of:

    No porn
    No looking at online erotica, personal ads, craigslist posting.
    No edging.
    No grabbing my crotch to make sure it is still there.

  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am about to go ape shit fucking bananas.

    Hit sales goal for the month. it is beautiful outside. Lots I could do. I should be happy and enjoying the evening.

    Instead, I am fixated on thinking about rubbing one out. Not because I'm necessarily turned on. It is my fucking brain. I wish it would find something else to do.
    Wolf333 likes this.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Lesson learned .... earlier tonight I was driving myself nuts ... do I, don't I M?

    My sons' wrestling team had a fundraiser tonight. A local pub donated 10% of the meals purchased this evening so there were a lot of people there we knew. It was like old home week because we haven't seen so many of these folks out of season.

    I had a great time. Lost that crazy edge that was driving me to M.

    Lesson is to remember to socialize instead of diving into the bunker and trying to fight it all by myself.
    mailboxsam and Wolf333 like this.
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, socializing is fantastic, and when you're not around others, this community of fellows will help you a LOT.
    Just know that it will get easier the more you find alternatives. And there is a multitude of good books to read or listen to. I don't have much time to read, so I listen to most of my books lately. Makes the commute productive. If you don't commute, try an iPod. And like Midge said, catch as many articles and videos on YBOP as you can. Our brains will return to their original factory settings if we let them.
    Stay strong, bud. And keep posting.
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Such a conundrum ...

    I have proven that I can't block things out and avoid PMOing so I come here to find support and solace with the fact that so many others are struggling. This is needed.

    Yet, coming here makes me think about it more than I thought about before I came here. Doing it less but thinking about it more. So not doing it has become a more active choice that I a making rather than a more passive commitment that I wasn't able to keep because it just happened.

    I've been fighting the fight for over 6 weeks. Does the brain ever shut off on this stuff?

    Anyway that's my nutty thought for the day!
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Wife and I are separating. As we work our way out of the house (we are nesting, kids stay in the house and we switch in and out) we have split the days we are there. Tonight was her night. I've typically stayed at the office or gone to Starbucks alone.

    My cross fit gym plays Hoover Ball on Friday nights. I played for 2 hours and it was a blast. Most of them went out for dinner afterward but I opted to come home.

    Funny, when you aren't focused on getting sneak peeks of porn and craigslist postings you have a lot more time.


    What do I do with my free time?

    That's a problem that needs solved ....
    mailboxsam likes this.
  10. shampoo

    shampoo Captain: I don't want to survive. I want to live.

    Welcome ruggerdoug.

    It's funny (not really...more like...it's sad) that we all have VERY similiar stories. Oh, the actors and some of the names of places have changed, but the relationships, the feelings, successes and failures are pretty much carbon copied.

    It's a real shame what we do to ourselves.

    But alas, there is hope and successes painted everywhere on this forum. We are here because of a common bond. You are not alone!

    A few things that have been instrumental in my recovery:
    This forum (duh)
    feed the right wolf (free online program 30 days)
    Cure the craving (free online program - 9+months)
    The practicing mind (book)
    Breaking the cycle (book, author Collins) < This one is has really helped me since the last major relapse.

    Wolf333 likes this.
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @shampoo .. thanks for the suggestions ... I am going to take on reading Feed the other Wolf ... it was the only one I checked out this morning (awesome name)! ... I'll have to check the others out later.

    My biggest challenge after getting on here and being a little bit more thoughtful about my rebooting work is what to do with my time that used to be devoted to PMOing or related activity. I don't even want to know how much time I let slip by. It makes me sad to think of life and relationships that have been muted.

    I'm passed dwelling on the sadness. I'm finally excited about what I could be doing. Last night I played Hoover Ball, came home, checked work email and then shut the laptop (a dangerous move since I work in a tech field and could be "working" all night some nights as part of the PMO ritual I created). All my sons were out. Wife, who is motivating our separation was upstairs doing her thing and not real interested in being a part of my night. I watched a terrible movie on cable and went to bed.

    It was a choice. I've been working on some life balance stuff. I realize that I need to have mini plans and lists of choices about what to take on when I hit these large blocks of time that used to be devoted to PMO. I think sometimes now the cycle is:

    1. A day of concern in the back of my head about flatlining
    2. Coming home with no newly established routine
    3. A time void that used to be PMO time needing filled
    4. My brain starting to negotiate for "just one time" to make sure it all still works

    That's the cycle that I have to overcome .... last night I did.

    Today I am investing some time in working on a personal vision statement and writing out some of things I want to do, want to be to help me change that cycle and remove the time void.

    If you read this have a great weekend!
    Discalced likes this.
  12. shampoo

    shampoo Captain: I don't want to survive. I want to live.

    Work that plan buddy!

    I find if I NEED to be on the internet and I am in the "craving" mode, I first write on a piece of paper the sites I NEED to be on. I stick to those sites ONLY. No....I wonder what is in the news or what is happening on this blog. Stick to the sites on your paper! No negotiating with the "voice!"

    This should be done a few hours prior to heading out on the net.

    Wolf333 likes this.
  13. Florida22

    Florida22 Member

    Welcome aboard!

    The best thing I can tell you is get out of the house if possible and put blockers on all your computers.

    It's amazing what being out of the house does.

    It's hard, but possible - hang in there!
  14. Sidd

    Sidd Guest

    Welcome RD. Keep coming here reading and posting. Make it your new habit. Not sure why it works but it does and as you will read here in time everything gets better. Right now you have made a step that many have not so be proud of that. We are of course never more than one step away from our monsters but in time they loose their strength and we fear them less. You can do this. Write the story of your compelling future - you without the Addiction and write the story of your repelling future - you if you don't get off the PMO roundabout. Remember that whatever the problem and however strong the temptation to relieve it by PMO it is guaranteed that you will still have a problem plus a big does of frustration, disappointment and if you are really deep in the cycle a lot of self-loathing. It never helps. All those feelings then provide more fuel for the PMO cycle and round you go. It is no one's fault. We have all been stubpng by this thing but it is our responsibility to reclaim our lives. Only we can do that. You will succeed and you can be an inspiration to others. Find your courage, your conviction and stay the course. We all want each and every one of us to succeed and be the men that we know we are. Good luck.
    Wolf333 likes this.
  15. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Sidd, thanks for the note. I'm past the self loathing. Or at least it isn't a prevalent part of my struggle. I'm sad I didn't catch this before and it is contributing to the downfall of my marriage (it likely would have failed even if I wasn't bringing this to the party). I'm sad about the time I've lost. I've been able to shelve the self loathing because I understand the issue and the process to fix it. KNOWING helps so much and I think these forums help because they expand the knowing and keep it front and center.

    I haven't done a pull up since high school. My cross fit coach posted this on the gym wall "If you can't do a pull up the best exercise to get to that first pull up: sets of stop being fat!" This struggle seems like that. I'll do a pull up (be rebooted) after I drop the right amount of weight (end PMOing as part of my life). Mentally it is the same to me NOW that I know. It took a lot of work to get there.

    I had vivid dreams last night. It was the first time I remember having vivid dreams in forever.

    Of course, I woke up to an empty house and what did my brain tell me: "Let's celebrate by M!" No thanks, I came here and posted.

    Have a great day! Go do something!
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Stressful night.

    Stress is a huge trigger for me.

    Wife said: "If you can't provide for your family like I want, I've found a man that will and he's going to be a great Daddy for your sons."

    Needless to say the insistence to PMO or MO is through the roof. I'm doing fine knowing that is the dynamic but it would be so easy to fall into that trap.

    I fucking hate this.
  17. ananoman

    ananoman Active Member

    Stay strong man!! This is a journey that will have lots of ups and downs
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Reset as of late last night.

    it wasn't a full blown relapse and violation, but rather a series of small technical rules violations that deserve to earn a reset. No porn. But enough borderline "that's ok" kinds of stuff and inappropriate thoughts throughout the night followed by a "just gotta do it to go to sleep MO" that I feel better just starting over.

    I learned something about myself last night and today.

    I'll work around the rules if I set the rules with loopholes.

    New rules:

    1. No P nor any intentional 2 dimensional T&A or otherwise eye candy material. No lingering on sites/tv shows when I trip across it.
    2. Acknowledge that my junk is still hanging between my legs. It is there. There is no need to touch it to make sure it is there or to grip and grab it to ensure it hasn't snuck off somewhere. It is on a flatline vacation.
    3. When I feel the urge to MO or to skirt the rules find something that doesn't involve electronics to distract.
    4. No Craigslist. No OKcupid. No Match.com. Accounts will be deleted tonight.

    Here we go again.

    Actually, even with the MO that was preceded by a lot of violations I do not feel compelled to go to any of the porn sites that I used to frolic on. So 5 days growth and a positive restart.
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I think you nailed it, Ruggerdog. It's amazing how the bargainer manipulates us into getting his fix. He'll lose his grip, however, the more we shut him down.
    They don't call this work for nothin'. Sticking by your rules (which are spot on, by the way) will get you to the promised land.
    I reset 8 days ago for the same reasons you did, and there's a stark difference between staying clean and allowing yourself a "break". It's no contest - sticking to your guns is the only way to go.
  20. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Good morning world!

    I woke up extra positive today though I have a long busy day ahead of me.

    Rough night sleeping because of the stress at home, but no P no M and no O, together or separately.

    Coffee. Quick bible study. And about to head out the door. Counter says 1 and 12 hours but I'm rounding up to 2!

    Everybody have a great day!

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