Well, here goes nothing

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Nick8876, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    I'm currently on day 3 right now. I had one of the worst mental breakdowns in my life today. It got so bad I had to pull over on the highway.

    I felt the pain inside of me for being sucked into this stupid online world of porn. It hurt so much. But it spurred something within me.

    I also realized a fear of mine: that'll I never experience intimacy with a girl. 21 years old and I've never been on a date, much less kissed a girl. I blame this blasted addiction and myself for succumbing to it. There is still a part of me that wants those feelings, but I always felt inadequate, lacking confidence.

    I want this to go away. So badly.
  2. Purity Power

    Purity Power Member

    It would be a great opening scene for a NoFap/NoLust/NoShit movie. I plan to do one some day. Inspiring !
  3. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    I wouldn't even call it that. I've never felt that level of pain before. Its something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
  4. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 4.

    So far so good. I haven't had any urges yet, neither for PMO or video games.

    I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this morning. No idea how this is going to turn out. I may get prescribed medication, I may not. I haven't been to therapy in so long, I don't even know if it'll work.

    I just hope I can survive this semester.

    God. Why do I feel like I'll never get better? This sinking feeling in my stomach. Every time I read a success story, I feel a mixture of anger and self pity. I hate myself for falling into this.
    I may never be comfortable in my own skin again.
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2017
  5. thel00ker

    thel00ker New Member

    Therapy is a great choice for understanding where your porn addiction comes from and how you can battle it. Be sincere with your therapist and tell him EVERYTHING. thats the only way of battling through and making the therapy process more effective. Remember therapy is for you.
    I was a virgin until age 22, (january) lol, get active and try to be the best version of yourself both physically and mentally. That will attract girls on its own and you will be able to fell more confident around them.
  6. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    I am fairly active. I try to go to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. Lost a good bit of weight and built a fair amount of muscle, although I don't look much different. It honestly hasn't helped feel much better. There would be days where I would be lifting and feel nothing.

    I'm slowly getting better with girls, although I'm skeptical if I'll ever get a date at all. I'm just not that interesting. I read books, and I'm not even as active in that as I used to be. I guess gaming doesn't really count, at least not on this forum.
  7. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 5.

    Nothing unusual so far. Kind of struggling a little in one of my classes, but I hope to remedy that this weekend.

    I just had a random erection. Wasn't even thinking about anything sex related. Dunno why.

    I am starting to feel better though. I have some meds for anxiety now.

    I may allow myself some game time today. Not sure yet.
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2017
  8. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 6

    I'm starting to feel a lot better. I actually don't feel as shy around people as I used to be, although I still feel I'm not there yet.

    I'm not feeling as much anxiety about school as I used to be.

    Still no desire to PMO yet. That's good. My ps2 controller died after 13 years of use haha. The console outlived the controllers. Maybe that was a sign to save it for later.

    One thing I still feel unsettled about is that I feel kind of turned off from the world. I don't know if it is because of the routine I'm in or if I'm already experiencing the flat line phase.

    I want to be able to get excited about learning, but I don't know what to learn.
  9. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 6 Addendum

    I'm not sure why, but I seem to get irritated whenever I read something concerning sex and people having sex. Not sure why. Must be an ego thing. I've never had sex before, so I guess it's that or I feel envy. I always felt that sex was supposed to be an intimate thing with someone you have a connection with. Not saying I'm opposed to premarital sex, I guess I get irritated by the thought of "hooking up", and then being forgotten.

    I've also noticed I seem to get equally irritated when I hear talk about goals, dreams, ambitions, etc. I don't bear a grudge against people. I know that much myself. It's just that I feel like everyone has something. A partner, a hobby, place to go to, a desire, and I'm here on this rock thinking "WTF am I even doing here?" I don't think I have a purpose or a life goal. It seems all I care about is becoming stable, and one day financially independent. I wouldn't consider that a goal, seeing as our society expects it from us at some point in our lives.

    So then what?

    I'm here trying to study because I just want a better job. I don't have dream. I don't have a goal. I left my ambition in my other pants.
  10. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 7.

    I've hit the one week mark. My mind feels much clearer and I feel much calmer now. I've also started taking Prozac, and I have something for panic attacks.

    I have a chance to improve my mental health. I'm going to a state convention, so it'll give me a chance to meet new people. Although I'm still a little apprehensive, because last time I went I avoided most people and came close to a panic.

    I don't know how I should meet people. I'm not the best at small talk. But I'll have to learn. I just don't feel like I have anything in common with the people I'm with.
  11. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 7 addendum

    Currently riding in a car to the convention with 3 other people from my group. I've mostly just read books or browsed Craigslist. Made some small talk with the girl next to me.

    Eh. I still feel like I don't have a lot in common with people in my group. Celebrities, Snapchat photos, Starbucks, I honestly could care less about things like that.

    I wish there was someone I could meet that I felt like I had something in common, for fucks sake. But what's wishing going to do? Fucking nothing. I wish I could talk to someone who like the Witcher as much as I do.
  12. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 8

    Feeling all right. Last day of convention.

    I had fun last night, although part of me felt it was a little superficial. I went with some of my chapter members to the beach. It felt nice. I talked, laughed, and did my best to enjoy myself. And yet, part of me just felt like I still didn't belong there.

    It all just felt fake. Like an act. I don't know. I can never tell when people are genuine or just full of shit.
  13. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 8 addendum.

    Sitting with my chapter at lunch right now.

    There's something wrong in my head. Or in my heart. I just don't feel like I belong here. I can't feel like I belong here. I just can't...

    What is this? This hurt... this pain...

  14. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 9.

    Back home today. Still kinda tired and don't feel like doing much.

    Physics test in a few days. Not sure if I'll do well on this one. I plan on studying today, but I don't have much energy for anything. I just want to lay here, read, and do nothing. Maybe sleep some more.

    I must be experiencing the flat line phase. I just feel this blah sensation. I don't know. I just feel the motivation to do nothing.

    I don't feel particularly thrilled about this week either. I don't know why. Other than it'll probably be the same old shit. Go to class, study, come home, and repeat. Lost the desire to play video games.

    I'm starting to get the feeling that my life really doesn't matter that much. I feel like I don't care much about what happens to me, but not enough to go out and do something crazy. It all just feels meaningless sometimes.
  15. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 9 addendum

    Stomach kind of hurts. Been rumbling all day.

    Why? Why do we live in this culture that puts so much emphasis on love, sex, being in love, dating, when I feel like I'm just unworthy of it? Like I would be such a stranger to it.

    I know, I know. The world owes me nothing. I get it. It's just something that looms in my thoughts from time to time.

    I guess I'll try and study for my physics test. I wish I could just purge my mind of these thoughts.
  16. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 10

    I feel ridiculously flat today.

    If that even accurately describes the feeling. I just feel like everything is gray. Everything is just...Blah.

    Another Monday. Another round of classes. Great....

    I'm sick of school. I really am. But this intern opportunity is something I don't want to lose. So I guess I'll have to tough it out. But you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of tests, homework, studying, all of it.

    Nothing interests me in this life other than being under the covers with a book. I just don't have that burning passion that other people have for life. It's just a by product for me. I'm alive. I'm here. And I sure as hell didn't ask for it.

    So then I'll just go back to an endless fucking logic loop, where I keep thinking everything is pointless, that there is no meaning to my life, I'll never be in love, and I don't have anything going for me other than a new job.
  17. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 11

    Much better today. Not sure what happened yesterday with my attitude. I don't know if this is the flat line phase or I'm suffering from some sort of withdrawal effects.

    Nonetheless, I feel pretty solid this morning. Physics test tommorrow, but I figure I'll just do my best. No sense in stressing over it.

    I feel like I should find some new books or something. I bought the entire Witcher series, so I have that. It wouldn't hurt to read something different. I just don't know what.

    Learn new things. I watched a channel called brave wilderness last night. It was pretty interesting.

    I'm also getting better at talking to people. I struck up a conversation with a girl yesterday before class started, which I think went pretty well.

    But there's still a lot more work to do. The good thing is, I haven't felt any desire to PMO. Not yet, at least.
  18. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 13

    Took my physics test yesterday. Think I did OK, although I know I didn't make an A.

    My mind has gradually gotten better. I don't feel as anxious as I used to. I also don't play video games as much as I used to. I played some midnight club last night before bed, but not for long. I think as long as I play sparingly, I should be good.

    No desire for PMO yet. I'm about to go over my last streak, which is good. Maybe that mental break down on the highway finally snapped me to my senses.

    Things are looking up for once. I've got two trips coming up, I've been more social, and I'm keeping up in my classes.
  19. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 15
    Good day I guess. Caught up in school so I didn't have a lot going on.

    I went hiking today. Pretty nice experience. Hung out with a girl I met on the trail for a little, took pictures for her, then I went and walked on. Got lost a little.

    I beat my streak finally. I guess I'll go as far as I can.

    I played some more games this weekend. Doesn't really bother me that much, since all my work is caught up.

    Looks like I don't have much to talk about today.
  20. Nick8876

    Nick8876 New Member

    Day 17

    I don't feel good. Not sick, but I just feel flat.

    I don't know if I'll ever be normal again. I don't know if I'll ever have a love life. I don't know if I'll ever have a sex life. It all seems like a fucking pipe dream.

    Nothing matters at this rate. I mean, Ive stayed away from that junk, but I hardly feel much better.

    I don't really feel anything when. I'm around others either. I've tried putting myself out there. It didn't work.

    Maybe I'm just not cut out for loving someone else. Maybe I'm not cut out for sex. Maybe I'm just not good enough.

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